A post not about baseball

Attention all readers-- this weekend I attended the 2007 NFL draft, and kept a running commentary for Kissing Suzy Kolber, the world's most popular NFL blog. It's even funnier when your team is struggling! Please check it out at www.kissingsuzykolber.net. Search for the "SlickBomb" tag. Matsuzaka madness will be up tonight, along with some more episodes of hilarity/insanity.

Jimmy Dolan Interested in Buying the Yankees

(Gasp)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Oh my GOD don’t let this be true. Please Lord God in heaven almighty Matsuzaka don’t let this be true.


We’re talking about Jim Dolan here. Jimmy freakin' Dolan. Jimmy Mr. “I’ll-never-live-up-to-my-father’s-media-baron-reputation-so-I-decided-to-ruin-the-Knicks” Dolan. What’s next? Putting Jim Bowden in charge of the team? Signing five swing-first shortstops and playing them all over the field? Paying a king’s ransom to bring in Tony LaRussa, and then firing him after a disastrous first season? There is no other baseball-basketball equivalent. The Steinbrenners took a broken Yankees franchise, and made it into the international brand-entity for excellence in sport. For all their faults, George and Co. made quantum leaps in the fields of satellite broadcasting and pacific-rim scouting, and were the prime examples for the rest of baseball to follow.


Dolan is the guy who turned Madison Square Garden from the Mecca of basketball and the most famous arena in the world into a laughing stock. This is the guy who took one of the great franchises in NBA history and turned it into an abominable alter to the festering sore that is the 2007 NBA. Eddie Curry has a heart condition damnit! And you gave away this year’s lottery pick to get him?? Jesus!! I can’t even grasp the immeasurable stupidity of even considering selling the team to this SOB. It’s like giving your sainted grandfather’s life’s work to crack-addicted cousin, and then knowing he would snort it all away. Or smoke it all away. Or shoot it all away, I don’t give a crap, I don’t smoke crack.

This is apparently a crack pipe. I seriously wouldn't know.

I am saying it right here and right now, if the Yankees sell their team to Jimmy Dolan and his band of cronies, the fall of freaking Rome will pale in comparison to the twisted spectacle of failure that will inevitably result. Why don’t you just give the city to the Mets? I’ll be great, we’ll have white 13 year olds from the upper west side shout “Viva Los Mets!” while their yuppie parents stand agape in abject horror. How about we just dig up monument park, and replace the shrines with giant stone dildos? We can have little numbers for them too, right on the helmet. It’ll be a fitting testament to how the New York fan has been anally-violated by these godforsaken kleptocrats.

Just for kicks, let’s throw out some owners that would absolutely be better than Jimmy Dolan.

Idi Amin


Kim Jong-Il


Pol Pot


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


The long days of Yankee greatness past will have reached their apogee. If Dolan gets a handle on the Yankees, the team’s future will immediately collapse at terminal velocity. I’ll give it five games. George and company, if you have any respect, or decency, or appreciation for the fans of the New York Yankees who have supported your crap for YEARS, please for the love of all that is right in the world, DO NOT sell the Yankees to little Jimmy Dolan. I won’t sleep until this story is killed.

UPDATE: According to the MLB Fanhouse, the story is dead. Hallelujah.

Commander Sisko Describes Baseball and Life

Very, very trippy video from AOL's MLB Fanhouse. I love the way he describes the game-- it's all very Zen. I want to expand on this more, but I think I need to save my crazy for Matsuzaka's glorious first entrance into the Bronx. It's like Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, but far more gangsta. That trumpets hath sounded, bitches, and our savior is back! We bask in his sublime radiance!! More later tonight/tomorrow. Iddqd!

Danny Almonte, New York Baseball Legend

This was supposed to be a post about the outrage of the New York City government banning metal baseball bats throughout the greater New York Metropolitan area. Assuming MLB doesn’t start paying for wooden bats for young/poor people to use (they won’t) baseball has all but conceded the NY-metro area to basketball and lacrosse. I’ve said my piece on this. New York will probably never produce great players such as Manny Ramirez, Sandy Koufax, or Danny Almonte ever again.

Also, you might think Danny Almonte doesn’t belong in that list of New York baseball legends, but you would be wrong. Fantastically, horrifically, wrong. So what if he did most all his damage against kids half his own age*? That’s not like it stops Orlando Hernandez, and that guy’s at least 60.


For those of you too young, too divested, or too A.D.D. to remember, Danny Almonte was the ace left-hander for the Rolando Paulino All-Stars. Outside of having the most egomaniacal team name in the history of organized sports, and no one on the team being able to speak English, this plucky band played on the outskits of Yankee Stadium which, natually, endeared them to the entire country. When the tournament came around, Almonte was already a phenom, having embarassed opposing teams in regional tournaments across the northeast. Armed with a 75 mph fastball (or roughly half the speed of sound** on a little league mound), a Randy Johnson-esque slider, and the intimidation factor of a man-child who has started masturbating more frequently and not solely experimentation purposes, Almonte annihilated the competition.

The secret to his slider? Hairy palms.
He finished with a freakish stat line of 3 GS, 27IP, 46K, 3 H, 1 R, 0 ER. If that isn't the stuff of legends, then you show me what is. So what if Almonte was at the very least two years older than his competition? And speaking of NYC public school districts, who cares if Almonte didn’t even go to school? It's not like he would have learned anything anyway. I don’t care who you are, if you strike out more guys than Carl Pavano has pitched to in the past two years, you are officially gangsta. If Corey Lidle was still alive, could he put up a stat line like that? I don’t think so.

Regardless of anything remotely sane, by now we should know that age limits don’t mean a thing when it comes to baseball. Albert Pujols has the hairline of a 35 year old. We already mentioned El Duque. Julio Franco helped build the ark. Jessie Orosco is in the majors somewhere, isn’t he? In the Dominican Republic and Cuba, players routinely lie about being younger to seem like better prospects. The only mistake Almonte made was that he lied in the wrong direction. It didn't stop him from marrying a 30 year old, that's for sure. If anything, all of this should only increase his legend status.

Nowadays, Danny Almonte is pitching in for the Frontier League Miners, his legend status witheld from him by a stupid tradition that holds things like "cheating" and "fraud" in disregard. This is wrong! Madness, even. For a stretch of time, Almonte was one of the best young pitchers on the planet. He deserves to be in the pantheon of great ballplayers coming out of the New York area. Let's just hope in light of the new ban that he's not the last.



*Take a look at the old school ESPN site!

You’ve come a long way, baby! Now with obnoxious video.

**Come on, we all need a little lameness in our lives.

Griffey Jr. out with a colon

Finding inspiration for writing can be hard. Your mind wonders, you hammer out sub-par columns, or you just plain-ol’ cruise the net. Sometimes, in those rare instances, you must act like Rousseau, and walk among the forests in the search for inspiration.*

This is not one of those times. Ken Griffey Jr. (as Al Micheals would say) is out with a colon.

Griffey confirmed that he was diagnosed about six months ago with diverticulitis, or inflammation of the colon.

There are just so many ways you can go with this! I don’t know about you, but when I’m confronted with a medical problem, I got to WebMD.com, just like any normal person. What do you think, I’m going to go to a “doctor”? A “shaman”? A “faith healer”? They all amount to modern quackery.** Besides, Tom Cruise told me that body thetans are making my soul hurt. Psychologists should be jailed. You’re just being glib.

Diverticulitis is a sometimes painful condition that develops when pouches diverticula that form in the wall of the colon, part of the large intestines become inflamed or infected.

Most of the time, diverticulitis can be treated with dietary changes and-if there is an infection-with antibiotics. About one-quarter of people with diverticulitis have complications, such as an abscess, fistula, or obstruction of the colon, that require surgery.

Wayyyy too easy. Way, way, way, too easy. Griffey, much like Mike Piazza, is one of few major league players one who is almost always questioned about his sexual orientation. Even though he’s married with kids, he just kind of looks gay. Like Kordell Stuart. Or Jeff Garcia. Or Mike Piazza. Now he has gay rumors and an inflammation of the colon? Let’s just say it’s probably going to start more flames than it’s going to put out. Is this “diverticulitis” contagious? Is it an STD? Should we check Brandon Phillips just to be sure? Or maybe Jason LaRue? He’s a catcher, after all, and this sort of thing can spread.

This sorry episode marks the end of Ken Griffey Jr.’s career. When you can’t play because you’ve hurt the muscle that’s attached to your anus, then I’m sorry, it’s time to hang up the spikes. He has now officially had every single injury a baseball player can have, outside of cancer and losing a testicle a la John Kruk. He’s broken hands, wrists, legs; he’s pulled hamstrings and quads; and now, he’s even injured his colon. This sort of thing should happen only to a couch potato who eats chicken friend steak daily, and is into sexual sado-masochism. Griffey is a professional athlete who makes Carl Pavano look like Cal Ripken Jr. If you think Barry Zito’s contract was bad, just take a look at Griffey’s. Albatross doesn't even quite define it. Call it a Spruce Goose, complete with total and utter failure. You’ve had a great run, Kenny, and you’ve provided people who watch baseball with a lot of laughs. Most of them generally at you as opposed to with you. But it’s time to retire. Take your ball and go home, that is, while you still have it.

Was the 1995 ALDS Griffey's Illmatic? I think it might have been.

*For more, consult the Reveries of the Solitary Walker. However, this book is quite wretched, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

**Modern Quackery. This is a magazine that would sell itself.

I can't believe I put modern philosophy and ass jokes in the same post. It's like college did and did not happen at the same time.

Heee’s Backman!!

You guys remember Wally Backman, right? Backman was the skipper for the Arizona Diamondbacks for about seventeen minutes. Now he’s back on the bottom, looking to work his way back up to the top. Once the ‘Backs* started digging around in Wally’s past, a few things became apparent, which lead to his eventual firing:

1. He had an arrest record which included counts of domestic violence offenses.
2. He’d been nailed for a DWI, which probably means he’s an alcoholic.
3. He’d filed for bankruptcy.

This is cause for firing, how exactly? How many broke former players out there love to slap wives and get wasted? Precisely? I’d say all of them. Backman wasn’t a superstar. He was a grinder. Sometimes, the stress of a long day gets to a grinder. He’s sore from a ten-day road trip, the eight prescription strength anti-inflammatories are making a little blood come out of his stool, and then his wife starts giving it to him for not spending enough time with the kids. Can you really fault the guy for giving the wife a slap? Sean Connery doesn’t!!** Besides, that little list of transgressions basically describes Kirby Puckett, doesn’t it? And they have him stuffed and under glass right outside the Metrodome. I heard it’s a striking thing to see. Horrifying, really.

Even the homeless are afraid.
Regardless, just because Backman hits the sauce a little too hard, and was unfortunate enough to get nailed by the cops before plowing into a tree doesn’t make him a bad baseball man. In fact, it probably makes him a great baseball man. When you’re the skipper of a young team like the ‘Backs, you’re not just looking for a guy who knows how to do a double switch, and someone who knows well enough to sit Chad Tracy in any and all circumstances. You’re looking for a leader who can teach about life. When Connor Jackson is hitting .320, putting spinners on the whip, and thinking about getting a gun for protection, Backman can be all like “Nah, man. Hove did that, so hopefully, y’all don’t have to go through that.” After all, you can’t spell Maybach without “Back.”***


I say this as a fan-- If he really likes the Jets, does that somehow make them less inferior?

The guy has won at every level, and God knows there are some awful skippers managing major league teams. Eric Wedge? Mike Hargove? You’re telling me Wally Backman would inspire less confidence then these guys? Please. Wally Backman can out-manage these drones while drunk and high off painkillers. Give the man a shot, baseball!


*D-Backs is a pain the ass to type. And isn’t simply saying “Backs” a lot easier to say? Isn't it cooler?? Besides, anyone who’s anyone knows there’s only one D-hyphen-anything in this country, and that’s D-troit. 8 Mile, bitches. Shady entertainment.

** Only because I love you:

*** Actually you can. Correctly.

Matsuzaka Nukes New York

This just in— Matsuzaka nukes... New York!!!

Ok, technically, the game was played in Boston, so the concept of Matsuzaka actually nuking a location a la Kansas City is entirely existential. Regardless, disciples in the fellowship of the ZAK, it is with great honor and joy that I report to you that our savior, the anointed Daisuke Matsuzaka (pbuh), has thoroughly humiliated and destroyed with extreme prejudice the disgusting New York Yankees. Don’t let partisan Yankee fans tell you that Matsuzaka allowed six runs off New York’s B-team, because it is COMPELTELY UNTRUE, and Yankee fans are ********!!1!


They’re just jealous because Matsuzaka chose the Red Sox. You say Theo Epstien spent the money on Matsuzaka? That only proves your woeful ignorance. Who do you think gave him the inspiration of the divine cosmos you slack-jawed mutants?! Matsuzaka, that’s who. Anyone who willingly signed Byung-Hyun Kim to a long-term contract obviously can’t be trusted as the trumpeter of our new messiah.

Did Theo, like, see the 2001 World Series. Like, at all?

The six runs are irrelevant. They were actually blessings from Matsuzaka to the Yankee players. The home run he “allowed” to Jeter?* It was a holy boon, bequeathed to a player who is obviously struggling personally under the recent success of former BFF&E&E, Alex Rodriguez. Of course, Rodriguez’s hot streak was in and of itself a blessing from Matsuzaka, so that He can look even more impressive in His annihilation of Rodriguez. Such a streak can only be accomplished with personal imbuement from the awesome cosmic and divine power our savior. The annihilation foretold in the book of ZAK? Two fucking strikeouts. And one hit by pitch, for impiety and impudence. The pitch did not vaporize A-Rod out of existence because Matsuzaka chose to take a little off. Matsuzaka forgives. That’s why He’s our Emmanuel.

Iddqd!!
Matsuzaka sucked the cosmic force right out of A-Rod’s bones, which is why he failed to succeed against Matsuzaka, and why he failed to win the game when the opportunity presented itself. Will A-Rod be given the power back? Will the faithful be rewarded? How about you don’t ask so many questions. How about you get on your KNEES in WORSHIP! I don’t see you worshipping!! Every single day Matsuzaka allows us to see Him pitch is masterful and glorious. I get up in the morning because of Him. I stay awake PREACHING the GOSPEL, because of Him. And all of you in your sinfulness, in your misdirected lives, spending your days idling, drinking beer, and eating potatoes--all you can say in forgiveness for this performance is “Wicked Pissah” and “Go Sawx”?? You’re all sheep.

One day, He will return to the Terrasect, the pan-dimensional planes of existence, and sit at the right hand of all that has been created in the universe. He has chosen us, dear followers, to revel is all that is His being, and feel the energy of righteous justice coursing through our life-force. If you don’t perceive that as a great and beautiful thing, then you don’t deserve Him. I mean, truly, none of us do, but especially not you. Iddqd!.


*Quotation marks are perhaps inappropriate in this instance. In the traditional pitching sense, allowing runs is a negative thing. However, Matsuzaka quite literally “allowed” this home run. He telegraphed the pitch via cosmic telepathy, and gave to Jeter the strength to send it over the wall. So this is not actually a bad thing.

Gimn Sovetskogo Soyuza*

Hello, Ryan. This is the MLBPA. It appears to us that you might have said something that you shouldn’t have. Luckily for you, we are here to help point out your mistake, and make sure that it doesn’t happen again.


You see, Ryan, when you played your first game in the major leagues, you made a commitment to us. Major League Baseball is a multinational corporation whose bourgeoisie owners rely solely on the labor of the proletariat that is the backbone of their enterprise. In the past, the bourgeoisie has felt that you are expendable, and that your efforts are replaceable, and that has forced us all to fight back. Because you have abilities that no one else has, you are obligated to your fellow players to receive the most amount of capital that you can. When you say that you are being “overpaid,” you give ownership an opportunity to replace us again, or pay us whatever they feel is charitable. You don’t want Jones to come back, do you Ryan?

Some animals are more equal than others. Like A-Rod.

Curt Flood received death threats to help you earn capital. Men have does so you can earn your capital. If you’re under the impression that you’re being “overpaid” when you are barely making over the league average salary, you are betraying the efforts of those who came before you. The union will take care of you, Ryan, but only when you make us.

So next time, Ryan, when you feel the need to say how lucky you are that you’re making the kind of money we fought so hard to get you, be sure to choose your words more carefully. We’ll be watching you. Good luck.



*Look it up, Philistines. A stirring rendition can be heard, here.

Torii Hunter called the N-word in Boston

I’m a big fan of Torii Hunter. He named the 2003-2005 Minnesota outfield the Soul Patrol*. Earlier in the decade he said that he would like to play for the Yankees. (I can’t find the quote, but I remember it being true). And his most recent column on Jackie Robinson speaks volumes about his character and his knowledge of the game of baseball. What really stood out for me in the piece was this little tidbit:

For the past 10 years, I've been called the N-word, like, 20 times. Not in Minnesota. In Kansas City. In Boston.

Now, this isn’t surprising. What is surprising was that he actually would come out and say it. In my experience, Boston is one of the most racist towns I’ve ever set foot in. Every single minority person I’ve ever spoken to has expressed discomfort by simply being in Boston. Barry Bonds, who would turn his back on God himself for fame and the almighty dollar, said that “Boston is too racist for me” and “I couldn’t play there.” (Source) But when you tell someone from the commonwealth (what mouth breathers from Beantown and parts beyond call Massachusetts) that Boston is a racist town, they either vehemently deny it, or chuckle out of appreciation. I wish this weren't the case.



Racial strife in Kansas City is practically assumed. Any city that’s located in two states across a river is bound to have some inherent tension. But you would think that having far and away the highest ticket prices in all of baseball would keep the riff-raff out of Fenway Park, you’re wrong. Otherwise one of the great players in baseball wouldn’t be called racial epithets that we’d think Boston got over in the 70’s. Apparently they haven’t.

Faneuil Hall riots. Look it up.**

*When you do a google image search for “Soul Patrol” this guy comes up. Weird.
**When you do a google image search for "Boston Racists" the old Deadspin Matsuzaka post comes up with the picture I just used above. Cool! I'm not sure Buster Olney ever got enough credit for that scoop, by the way.

Mets Players Can't Drive

I’m not talking about driving the ball. We all know they can do that. Just check out this video from last year’s NLCS.

C’mon, that was funny.

But seriously, it looks like these guys just can’t drive. Not that I blame Mets’ pitcher Joe Smith. Parking in New York is anarchy. This guy gets it about right*, except he forgets to mention the race gangs and cannibalism. Personally, I think it’s like being in Mad Max, except trans-fats are banned and smoking will get you five-to-ten. Not quite Escape from New York, but similar.

Regardless of anything even remotely sane, shouldn’t Mets fans be a little disturbed by this little gem?

"The sign said 'No standing.' Well, I wasn't standing. I was parking," Smith said. "If they mean 'No parking,' shouldn't it say 'No parking?' I mean, I just figured they didn't want anyone standing there. I don't know why."

Uh, dude?

When standing is prohibited by signs or rules, no person shall stop a vehicle, attended or unattended, except temporarily for the purpose of and while actually engaged in expeditiously receiving or discharging passengers.

New York City Trafic Rules 4-08(a)(3)

I’m not saying professional baseball players are geniuses. If you lived in northern Kentucky southern Ohio, maybe there aren’t any real cities where there would be signs like that. We can’t all be Zach Grenkie, writing physics equations in our sleep.



But if a player on my favorite team can’t figure out the meaning behind a “No Standing” sign, my prospects for the season wouldn’t be too great. New York Mets 2007: “Your Season Has Come.”

Start Heilman! Oh wait...

Hat-tip: MLB AOL Sportsblog

*This is behind the Times-Select wall. It’s obnoxious and infuriating. However, if you go to www.bugmenot.com, then they will give you a free password to that, and almost any other site. Enjoy!

Josh Hamilton Saved By Jesus Chain E-Mails

Josh Hamilton is a terrific story. Heroic, even, or mind bottle-ingly stupid depending on your perspective. The #1 overall pick in the 1999 amateur draft, Hamilton fell into injuries, drugs, suspensions, all essentially at the same time as the Devil Rays futility continued.

25 tattoos, crack, four million, and the #1 overall pick. It bottles the mind.*

Regardless, after hitting rock bottom, he embraced Matsuzaka Jesus, got his life back together, got selected by the Reds in the Rule V draft, and the rest is recent history. I got two things out of this piece, both of which make me want to cry. First is that after what was essentially a three year layoff, he could light up the gun with a pitch, whereas I’m barely able to break 100 70 60. Some guys just got “it.” “It” meaning unparalleled athletic ability and the mojo to bang hot groupies whenever they mood strikes them.

Second is this little quote here:

Now, at the kitchen table, Hamilton toggles through some text messages saved on his cellphone until he finds the one he was looking for: Dated Dec. 6, 2006, at 1:42 a.m., it reads: "Jesus never fails. Send this message to nine people except me and you will get good news tomorrow. Don't take this as a joke." As soon as he got it, he did as instructed.

The next morning, in a hotel ballroom at Walt Disney World Resort near Orlando, baseball held its annual Rule 5 draft. Hamilton got a call later that day from a scout he knows. "Hey," the voice said, "you got taken by the Cubs." A little while later, another call: "Check that. The Cubs just traded you to the Reds."

Are you freakin' kidding me? Hamilton attributes his comeback to a chain e-mail probably started by a Jesus-freak 13 year old girl in rural Alabama? Absolute madness. Religion is good for all kinds of things like personal betterment, artistic creation, and jihad. It is not good for increasing the amount of chain e-mails already spamming the tubes of the Internet and driving good and decent people bat-shit crazy. If Hamilton is for chain mail, then I am against him. A pox upon his house.

Josh Hamilton-- Jesus' 4th outfielder

*Note: It is impossible to mention Blades of Glory without a sexy picture of the smokin’ hot “Pam” from “The Office” in sex-garb. Very tasty. And I mean that in a totally cannibalistic way.

Blowing Snow in the Midwest

It’s not just a euphemism for doing cocaine, it’s also a weather pattern. Last week, all three games between the Tigers and the Indians were postponed due to massive amounts of snow. Snow? In April? In the words of Drew Carey “Global Warming? When the hell are we gonna get some?”

Ahh, Drew. Cleveland does indeed rock. Except in sports.

The solution to all this? Play Cleveland’s next three games in Milwaukee. When you need to move to Wisconsin to avoid the snow, I’m thinking we have some problems. The Angels won the series played there two games to one. This entire episode made me think of two things:

1. Will the MLB finally stop playing games in April in northern states where there are the chances for snow are much greater?

No, nor should they. You need to think macro in baseball. Just like Jon Papelbon getting a five-out save a few days ago doesn’t make him returning to closer any better of an idea, one set of crummy weather patterns in April 2007 should warp a tradition that goes back longer than any of us have been born. Stick with what works.



2. Is cocaine really worse for the game of baseball than steroids?

In terms of corrupting the game, not sliding because you’re afraid to break the crack vial might break is probably worse than becoming a roided up abomination that makes a mockery of the game of baseball. Maybe we can get someone who does skiing on a more regular basis? Winslow? Anyone??

Bueller…

Are you not entertained?! Are you not entertained?!!

Someone call 911, because A-Rod is jackin’ everything. It’s not like a team can intentionally drill him, because that will only make him angry (and because of the pussification of baseball, might get the pitcher ejected). You see, there is no more tenacious athlete in the history of the game when money is in his sights than Alex Rodriguez. When Alex sees the market, and Alex sees dollar signs, Alex turns on the jets. You don’t get 27 million a year by accident.



This, of course, means nothing to the majority of mouth breathing degenerate Yankee fans who demand yearly championships via coronation. Until he hits six HR’s in seven games in October, Rodriguez’ surge will mean nothing to a masses. Ironically enough, these same fans know as fact that A-Rod is only destined to go leave somewhere else to the Angels, Red Sox, or whoever will pay him top dollar. This is, of course, both irrelevant and nonsense. A-Rod wants to play for a winner, and the Yankees won’t be outbid by other clubs, already have around 30 million of free money to play with, thus making a place in Monument Park for A-Rod a virtual certainty.

Jeter, Ruth, DiMaggio, Mantle, A-Rod

Madness is a common theme of this blog. But what is truly crazy is the refusal of fans to embrace the finest player of a generation because he can’t bequeath onto them the championship they so desire. A-Rod cares, but he shouldn’t. He makes his money, and if the fans really want him gone, he’ll continue to make his money. “Are you not entertained” Yankee fans? Because Alex Rodriguez is shoving it back in the faces of all you haters, and entertaining the masses for at least one more day.

What Hath God Wrought?

This just in— Matsuzaka nukes Kansas… City!!!

Now, you might be saying “hey, Zach Grenkie just K’ed 7 better hitters on a better team,” or “maybe there is something to hitters struggling against guys they haven’t seen before.” Complete, utter, nonsense. This is no time for SENSE, this is time for NON-SENSE! Hyperbole, even. Not only is Matsuzaka the best pitcher in the league, he’s the best pitcher in the galaxy. All you aliens playing baseball on Talos IV—you’re all completely screwed.


iddqd!!

The biggest Japanese import since Nintendo, Pokemon, Yu-gi-oh, has started his tour of destruction, and it’s coming to a city near you. Godzilla, his weakness lies in the strength of other monsters (and sliding catches). Matsuzaka? He has no weakness.

Matsui? 0-16 w/ 15K’s vs. Matsuzaka*

Are you not LISTENING?!! Are you not REALIZING the GRAVITY of WHAT WE’RE SEEING HERE?!! You’re lucky this entire post isn’t in capslock. This is greatness we’re witnessing right now. Pure greatness. Chuck Norris sees Matsuzaka pitch, and bows down in devout worship. Roger Clemens will now decide to pitch for the Red Sox, because he feels he can learn a thing or two from Matsuzaka. If Walter Johnson was alive right now, he’d walk up to Matsuzaka and ask to massage him, if only for pederastical purposes.** The hitters of the MLB are basically doomed, teams across the AL and NL are conceding victory to the Red Sox, Skynet/Google have stopped their world takeover, and all because Matsuzaka will eventually defeat them no matter how many terminators they send after him. Everyone stop watching baseball—the Matsuzaka era is upon us, and he will never, ever lose.

As an offering to this new God (despite Easter being right around the corner, I did just use a big “G”) I propose we continuously play the opening theme from “Saint Seiya” in it’s entirety during each of Matsuzaka’s starts. While driving us all slowly insane, this can only please him, and that is good.

80’s rock? Japanese Cartoons? Madness? Welcome to OntheShow.

*No idea if this is true. But it must be!!
**Or he’d be clawing at his coffin saying HELP!!! Btw, I’m not sure “pederastical” is even a word. Therefore, I’m making it one.

Millions of Peaches...

There is a tense finality in Ty Cobb's conversation which is unique. Other players state opinions, the Georgian gives facts. In the presences of the game's greatest player, the listener feels intuitively that here is one man who knows absolutely what he is talking about. For, if Ty Cobb hasn't seen a particular play, or tried it himself, or seen it tried, it has never been or probably never will be attempted.

Ty Cobb is many things. "Violent," "racist," and "evil son of a bitch," all apply. However, he was undoubtedly one of the finest players to even put on a pair of spikes, and remains to this day the figure self-righteous sports writers use when bringing up "character" and the "Hall of Fame."* He was a character, and every story needs a villain. Look at that evil smile! It's even on his Hall of Fame plaque!



But as much as you have to hate the guy, he was a brilliant baseball mind. "Baseball is war," sure, but Cobb didn't play so much as he fought. The above quote was taken from Cobb's treatise Trick Plays and How to Make Them. Daring Feats That Have Made the Tigers Dreaded, and How They Were Thought Out and Executed, as Revealed in an Interview. It's from Baseball Magazine circa 1916, and it as long as it is awesome. While reading it, try imagining yourself in Cobb's presence-- you can almost feel the contempt oozing off the page you read it. It's quite the experience, unless of course, you're black, then Cobb would have fought you for being in his presence. Seriously. (10th paragraph)



*Not actually theoretical.
Hat Tip: "A Cheater's Guide to Baseball" Blog