tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80092021152365847242024-03-13T23:03:42.485-04:00On The ShowThe Laugh Factory Meets Abu Ghraib -- But about BaseballSlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-85602665221183879642009-04-22T07:59:00.001-04:002009-04-22T07:59:19.705-04:00testing...<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rFhfJU45rvc&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rFhfJU45rvc&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-81062281459707605802007-08-23T00:18:00.000-04:002008-05-16T00:20:05.120-04:00Go AwayI post when I want to. Right I don't feel like working 14 hour days and writing at the same time. You don't like it? "Slick" my balls. Get it?<br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-78486721738068912772007-07-26T22:15:00.000-04:002007-07-27T07:39:27.551-04:00Emo Over Utley<BR><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.canada.com/a373a9c0-95d4-4a46-a780-e930d6c76147/061024-chemical.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://media.canada.com/a373a9c0-95d4-4a46-a780-e930d6c76147/061024-chemical.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Do you know who I am? Of course you do. I’m the lead Singer of My Chemical Romance. I’m the pagan god of losers and emo fan boys everywhere. I write with oDDLy pLaCeD capital letters because it helps me identify with people who don’t know how to spell. I also can fuck any 13 year old in the country, and that’s girls are well as boys, because they think white hair and pseudo-satanic band outfits are sexy. They also think real bad asses like a 1980’s Motley Crue are macho dickheads, and naturally, I agree.<br /><br />Are you feeling isolated? Are you feeling alone, angry, and afraid? You must have been a fan of Chase Utley, young friend, and that is why I am here. You see, when something so tragic happens in your life that you become a naked little ball of pre-pubscent emotion, that’s where I come in. I play my little guitar, I rock out in weird costumes, I wear eye shadow, and I make it all go away for that 3:53. <br /><br />Your friends and family might stand there and mock you about <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/recap?gid=270726122">Utley’s injury</a>. They might say “it’s just a game” or “he’s just some player” or “fantasy baseball isn’t real,” but what you’re hearing is “stop wearing makeup, you look like a fairy” or “when you see these pictures 20 years from now, you’ll want to die of shame” or "I'm serious, it's still won't help you get laid." Those words hurt, and when you’re feeling like you do (or more accurately, like WE do) all you have in this world are feelings. Isn’t that what Descartes said? They teach that in 6th grade, right? No? Anyway, don’t be so sad about Chase. All we can do right now to get over this is lean on each other. Or commit suicide (and for that I recommend song three).<br /><br />I feel really, really, really, rEaLLy bad actually for my Philly fans. The team is always having such bad luck. To tell you the truth, the majority of my fans are from Philly...for some reason, my band and I just make life easier for people who always lose. My advice? Just let it all out in one good cry, and while you’re at it, enjoy this poem I wrote while I try to escape the lewd advances of Hannah Montana. It’s totally already up on my MySpace and Xanga.<br /><br /><font color="grey">When the <font color="green">World</font> <font color="black">Collapses</font><br />And the <font color="white">*Stars*</font> <font size="6">F</font><font size="5">A</font><font size="4">l</font><font size="3">l</font> <font size="2">d</font><font size="1">o</font>wn<br />Then <font color="pink">love’s</font> the only recourse<br />To keep my feet on <font color="tan">solid ground.</font></font><br /><br />/emo<br />Mood: <img src="http://www.xanga.com/images/smiley2.gif" style="border-width:0px;"> Depressed (obvi)<br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-8289812949932769142007-07-23T23:01:00.000-04:002007-07-24T07:12:20.233-04:00Scott Olsen Was on COPS<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/31/Cops_Logo.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/31/Cops_Logo.JPG" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><i>Adventura Police Dept.<br />ADVENTURA, FL 3:40 AM</i><br /><br />Some people don’t like the graveyard shift. They think the hours feel too long, and the wrong kinds of people are out this late at night. But you know, these are also the same kinds of people who don’t like Haitian gangs, Columbian drug smugglers, Mexican ex-pats, white-crazies, and underground street fights that may or may not be perpetuated by Kimbo Slice. It’s all part of the charm of Miami. Will Smith made that video, Colin Farrell made that movie. Miami can’t be that bad, I mean, Shaq’s here. I served with him once. How he passed the fitness test to become deputized I have no idea, because the man weighs nearly 400 lbs, but the fact that he’s participating and trying to make his community better gives me and the fellow officers a lot of respect for him and all the athletes in this area. Except for the Miami Hurricanes, of course. <br /><br />(Pickup truck swerves into view)<br /><br />Ten-twenty-two. It looks like we’ve got a violation here, 48 miles an hour in a 35. Most of the time that’s about par for the course, but this late at night, there’s probably some trouble going on. I’ll flash him and see what he does.<br /><br />(flashes the siren, car continues at same pace)<br /><br />Please be advised, we have a seafoam green Ford pickup, unknown make. Warrant search on license plate number is “B-O-N-U-Z-B-A-B-I.”<br /><br />Well… he’s failing to stop, and whoops, just ran that stop sign. We might have ourselves a runner, here. Unit 64, requesting backup on possible DUI. Just ran a stop sign and is failing to stop. Also note the bumper sticker that reads “In one hand’s a baseball and in the other’s my cock,” which may be a violation of the decency statute, I’m not sure.<br /><br />(Car travels a mile, and then stops, as the driver, Marlins pitcher Scott Olsen, gets out and sits in a white lawn chair)<br /><br />Sir-- sir get up from that chair.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">(belches) There a problem occifer?</span><br /><br />Can I see some ID please?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">What? I didn’t do nothin’. I came from work, got outta my truck, and now I’m sitting and enjoying this weather.</span><br /><br />(checks over the ID) Ok. Did you see me trying to pull you over?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">What? I didn’t see nothin’.</span><br /><br />Did you see me try and pull you over?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">I didn’t see nothin’. Look man, I’m just trying to live my life, ok? Just trying to live my life. I don’t come trying to live your life, don’t try to come live mine.</span><br /><br />What have you been doing tonight?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">I’m just shitting out… (snorts laughter) yea, I’m just sitting out enjoying thish nice weather.</span><br /><br />Did you have anything to drink tonight, sir?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">What?</span><br /><br />Did you have anything to drink tonight, sir?<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Hell yea I some to drink. I just <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/recap?gid=270720128">beat the fucking shit</a> out of the Cincinnati Reds, and I think I have the right to celebrate.</span><br /><br />Do me a favor please sir, stand up. We’re going to give you a field sobriety test. Uh, sir?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">(Olsen collapses in a heap)</span><br /><br />Sir, sir, you’re going to have to stand up if you want to take the test.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">(stumbles up)</span><br /><br />Alright, sir. We’re beginning the field sobriety test now. Please recite the alphabet backwards, starting from the letter Z.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Z-Y-X-W-T-U-Z Joe Girardi’s a fucking asshole, next time sing with me shitface. HAHAHAH!! (falls down laughing)</span><br /><br />(rolls eyes) Alright, that’s a fail… now, phase two of the test, can you now stand on one leg for 30 seconds? Can you? No… no, sir, don’t go into the windup, and don’t start throwing imaginary pitches—sir? If you continue you’re going to have to do it again.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://mlb.mlb.com/images/2007/04/03/bfLn64Pr.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px;" src="http://mlb.mlb.com/images/2007/04/03/bfLn64Pr.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Those faggots wanted to trade me for Rocco Baldelli? Look who’s playing baseball now. Look who’s playing baseball now? Rocco Baldelli is a fucking pussy. Guy fucking… wouldn’t want to start for any team…</span><br /><br />Looks like we’ll mark that as fail. Now sir, focus on me. Can you please follow this light with your eyes, and don’t move your head? Use only your eyes when following my flashlight. Ready? Ready? Begin… sir, why are you staring so hard at me?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">I’m showing you my war face.</span><br /><br />Excuse me?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">This is the face I use when I’m going to war. This is my war face. This is the Game 7 World Series war face. This is "I’m going to fucking destroy you" war face, because there is no way in hell we are worse than the fucking Nationals war face, and I will not be relocated to Las Vegas, or Monterray, Mexico, because all of my shit is here and I don’t fucking want to go anywhere.</span><br /><br />Uh, ten-twenty-two, we’re gonna need some more backup.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">I’m not fucking going anywhere!!</span><br /><br />Sir, I am going to place you under arrest for driving under the influence<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">No! Fuck you! I wasn’t even driving! I wasn’t even driving!</span><br /><br />Sir, you have a right to take a breathalyser test…<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Fuck you John Law! You’re on my fucking property, and you need to get the fuck out right now.</span><br /><br />Sir, if you don’t start to calm down and submit to a test or arrest then we will have to taze you. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">I will fucking beat your skinny ass like you are Sergio fucking Mitre if you get the fuck off my house right now!</span><br /><br />We’re not on your house sir!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">I will fucking use karate! I will fucking use my karate! (starts kicking at the police)</span><br /><br />Taze him!<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />BZZZTaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!</span><br /><br />Hold him on the ground! Stop resisting! Taze him again.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">BZZZzzttuwahhhh!!!</span><br /><br />Alright, cuff him up. Cuff him up. You got him? Alright, pull him up. Scott Olsen, you are being placed under arrest for driving while under the influence, and resisting arrest for said crime. You have the right to remain silent…<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">DONTRELLE!!</span><br /><br />…anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, and if you can’t afford one, then one will be provided for you by the state…<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">DONTRELLE!!</span><br /><br />Do you understand these rights?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">..........I feel like Miguel Cabrera’s colon.</span><br /><br />I’ll take that as a yes. Guys, take him away.<br /><br />(Olsen is put in the back of a squad car and is driven off to the police station.)<br /><br />That was just crazy. Absolutely just bizarre. I mean, I arrested Dontrelle a couple months ago, and it was nothing like this. The guy was respectful, nice even. I mean, he was sitting in a pool of his own urine, drenched in Boones Farm, and he was actually pulling sparks on the inside of the guardrail. But this was just crazy.<br /><br />Just one more night in Miami.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.withleather.com//ul/3426-scottolsenmug.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.withleather.com//ul/3426-scottolsenmug.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />Hat-Tip: <a href="http://s2nblog.wordpress.com/2007/07/21/scott-olsens-got-issues/">S2N</a> via <a href="http://www.withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=3426">WithLeather</a>.<br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-73574815024110400282007-07-18T09:44:00.001-04:002008-05-16T00:16:04.123-04:00The Best of the Internets<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b228/N0nAbsolute/loled.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b228/N0nAbsolute/loled.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Here at SlickBomb’s On The Show, I do other things than <a href="http://ontheshow.blogspot.com/2007/06/your-favorite-yankee-prospect-is.html">bash prospects</a>, <a href="http://ontheshow.blogspot.com/2007/07/brewers-are-still-doomed.html">make fun of bad teams</a>, and <a href="http://ontheshow.blogspot.com/2007/07/bill-james-smarter-than-you.html">do impressions of front-office types</a>. I also read message boards to near-obsessive levels, and I think now would be a good time to share some of the funniest lines, pictures, or avatars that populate the message boards of America’s baseball die-hards. You might say I’m being lazy, and I might tell you to kiss off. If <a href="http://www.withleather.com/index.phtml?t=DOIN+IT+WELL">WithLeather</a>, <a href="http://deadspin.com/sports/comment-ombudsman/">Deadspin</a>, and <a href="http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/search/label/ksk%20commenter%20drafts">KSK</a> can get by with purely commeting posts, then why can't I?<br /><br /><blockquote>In part wakefield, mostly the problem has been the same all season: No clutch hitting. This team will not win this year w/o some sort of shake up -- SinCitySoxFan1978, <a href="http://sonsofsamhorn.net/index.php?showtopic=20828&st=500&p=889157&#entry889157">Sons of Sam Horn</a>.</blockquote><br /><br />Heh. I guess eight games up post All-Star Break isn’t nearly enough, then? When people call Sox fans neurotic barely-functional whackos, this is probably why.<br /><br /><blockquote>Kyle Farnsworth- 101 MPH of pure dogshit. -- Tommy22, <a href="http://nomaas.org/phpBB1/viewtopic.php?p=482096#482096">NoMass.org board</a>.</blockquote><br /><br />Short, succient, to the point, and 100% correct. Just imagine if he was playing in right field.<br /><br /><blockquote><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1408/843620694_98838d27f9_o.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1408/843620694_98838d27f9_o.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />-- JLaff, <a href="http://www.athleticsnation.com/comments/2007/7/18/14639/2797/2#c2">Athletics Nation</a>.</blockquote><br /><br />Bwahaha. Picture’s worth a thousand words. Why Kendal is wearing a football helmet, though, I have no idea.<br /><br /><blockquote><br />What do the Pirates have to lose? How about the rest of the fan base? -- Nathan, <a href="http://www.haloscan.com/comments/lackeyp/5929756980805897096/#190503">Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke?</a></blockquote><br /><br />Remember, kids. It can always get worse. You could be the Cubs!<br /><br /><blockquote>those ankiel minor league stats almost make me cry... i say we bring him up, wait till some extra inning game when LaDuncs used all of our bullpen playing the matchup game then ask ankiel to throw a few innings instead of spezio and who knows, maybe the young ace returns... i'd say that would solve our pitching problem. -- all in the cards, <a href="http://www.vivaelbirdos.com/comments/2007/7/17/10253/1950/23#23">Viva El Birdos</a>.</blockquote><br /><br />Come on. If that’s not the funniest thing you’ve ever read then you haven’t been paying attention. A World Series win last year and these guys are STILL thinking Ankiel's the savior. This guy did a Mark Fidrych impersonation better than Mark Fidrych! Let the man hit!<br /><br /><blockquote><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v313/dantc/klq_fat_guy_ty_shows_off_man_boobs_6-4-03_10750.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px;" src="http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v313/dantc/klq_fat_guy_ty_shows_off_man_boobs_6-4-03_10750.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />-- Fat Vegas Alan, <a href="http://www.redreporter.com/comments/2007/7/17/193924/776/369#369">Red Reporter</a>.</blockquote><br /><br />As if the State of Ohio didn't have enough to worry about already.<br /><br /><blockquote><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.halosheaven.com/images/admin/7LoseDiezz.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px;" src="http://images.halosheaven.com/images/admin/7LoseDiezz.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />-- Rev HaloFan, <a href="http://www.halosheaven.com/story/2007/7/17/23152/8724">Halos Heaven</a>.</blockquote><br /><br />If Ervin Santana gets this kind of reaction, imagine the feelings about Bartolo Colon? You just can't trust a pitcher named after an excretion organ. That picture just slays me, no pun intended.<br /><br /><br /><blockquote>I've always thought Jose Valentin looks like a rapist. -- The Third Giles, <a href="http://www.gaslampball.com/comments/2007/7/17/22116/9001/130#130">Gas Lamp Ball</a>.</blockquote><br /><br />Yes, yes, and more yes. Ladies in the bars of New York, when Jose Valentine offers you a drink, say you have a boyfriend and walk away.<br /><br />That’s enough for me. Remember folks-- if you're saying something interesting on the Internet, then people will read it, and laugh either with or at you. Hopefully it's more of the latter.<br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-86909476389678605692007-07-16T22:19:00.000-04:002007-07-17T13:32:39.503-04:00I Am Bill James and I Am Smarter Than You<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://premium1.uploadit.org/DrDetecto/billjames.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 175px;" src="http://premium1.uploadit.org/DrDetecto/billjames.bmp" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Greetings, fuckwits. You are all lucky enough to be in the presence of the most freakishly intelligent man in the history of professional baseball. I find your invitation to the <a href="http://www.dailybulletin.com/pauloberjuerge/ci_6378921">Pasadena Shrine of the Eternals</a> appropriate, and thus, I’ve decided to actually show up and do a little Q & A. It’s not quite the baseball Hall of Fame, but that will obviously come in time. My minions call me "The Sage of New Hampshire," and this gives me the right to pass on a hearty “fuck you” to Warren Buffet, "The Sage of Ohmaha." Whereas I’m the sage of my own state, he’s only a sage of a city, so I own his ass. What do you mean New Hampshire doesn’t count as a state? Lick my balls.<br /><br />For years I’ve been saying things like “It’s entirely possible to be completely successful in the baseball business without ascribing to any of my work.” I, much like the vast majority my followers (just look on Internet message boards everywhere), am reversing this statement, and saying that it is total bullcrap, and anyone who doesn’t follow in-depth statistical baseball analysis should automatically lose the right to watch a game of professional baseball. I mean, why watch when you can't possibly understand everything what's going on? In some cases, said person should lose the right to breed, because he/she might have a son, and that would pervert this glorious eugenics of baseball I’m striving to achieve, here. Baseball is not for the plebs, people! It is for we happy few, we band of egg-heads, who have never played an ounce of the game professionally yet still by the light of our incalculable intellects, know absolutely everything there is to know. On to your almost certainly dumb questions.<br /><br /><b>What’s your opinion of Darin Erstad, and considering his track record with the Angels, isn't a player like that valuable on a championship team?</b><br /><br />Haha. HAHAHAHA. BWAHAHAHA!! In the Dark Ages, hordes of roving barbarian Cossack tribes in what is now Southern Russia would conquer neighboring peoples, and in a fit of sport, would throw their infant children to hungry wolves and watch them be eaten. That’s what I’d do to Darin Erstad, if I had a time machine, which by the way, I’m inventing, and fuck you, it’s already patented, because it’s a motherfucking time machine. Darin Erstad blows donkey balls. He can’t hit, he can’t field, and he can’t play. And who gives a monkey-shit about how he “hustles” and “won championships”? I don’t know how many times I have to say this: if I can’t put it in a spreadsheet, dickhead, then it DOESN’T.FUCKING.EXIST. <br /><br />Look where that little bitch is right now-- trying to avoid getting DFA’ed by the Chicago White Sox (or CHA for any of you non BP subscribing cock goblins). Any team that steals, bunts, and gives consistent AB’s to Scott Podsednik, deserves a punch right in the pussy. Darin Erstad sucks, he should die, next question.<br /><br /><b>Are you impressed with Brewers 1B Prince Fielder, and what does his progression mean for smaller market teams?</b><br /><br />According to the tools that I invented (praise me) such as VORP, RCAA, Win Shares, and other super-cereal-statistics given by me solely to the Boston Red Sox to be unleashed like a tactical nuclear warhead, I can tell you that Prince Fielder is the best overall player in terms of everything, relative to cost. Yea and what else is new? What this means for smaller market teams is that it is time to stop spending big money on marquee free agents if your team is filled with a bunch of crap players. The only way to make your team succeed is to undergo a harsh rebuilding process where nearly each and every one of your core players is acquired through the draft. What if you can't draft, or afford the outrageous signing bonuses top picks get nowadays? Too bad bitch. Now, this rebuilding typically takes around five years, and by that time your fans will either be gone, rooting for the Yankees, or giving their energies to a different sport, but how is that my fucking problem exactly? I just make the rules, if you don’t like the way how they’re used, then tough testicles. After all, the best part about sitting in an ivory tower is pissing on the people below you.<br /><br /><b>Mr. James, you’ve never apologized for your criticisms of the Dowd report, despite Pete Rose proclaiming his guilt and affirming everything written in its findings. Don’t you think that as one of the leading voices in baseball theory, you have an obligation to speak your piece on a corrupting influence in the game?</b><br /><br />No comment, next question, and fuck you. <br /><br /><b>Horrors of horrors, the New York Yankees haven’t won a World Series in seven whole years. Isn’t it better to let A-Rod opt out, and try to rebuild the team around pitching and defense? The guy isn’t at all clutch!</b><br /><br />I remain unconvinced about the theory of “clutch” and it’s usefulness to baseball analysis. But what I <i>do</i> know is that you are a drooling, dribbling, retard. According to my statistics (again, praise me) Rodriguez is the best all-around player in the game. Consider that with the dollars Texas has contributed, and Rodriguez is a relative bargain for New York. There are some indicators that in a short series, pitching and defense wins (the sample sizes are too small obvi), but your belief that the Yankees should rid themselves of their best player in order to achieve this is somewhere between the stupidest idea that’s ever defiled the sanctuary of my glorious mind, and <i>guganuafia’a</i>, which is stat-speak for “you are a dumbshit.” But sure, fuck it, boo the fucker and drive him away. It makes my job a hell of a lot easier.<br /><br />In closing, I’d like to thank Pasadena, but truly, I am already an “Eternal.” It was a nice ceremony, with balloons and sangria, but I was expecting something more… <i>regal</i>. After all, I am the father of statistical baseball analysis, the most important man in baseball, and (according to some people) the finest living being on the planet. Armchair net jockeys everywhere use my teachings like a voodoo talisman against any who would dare say that it's important to steal when the team can't seem to score. I’m like Kim Jong Il from the North Korean perspective, except I look like the gay guy who won the 1st Survivor competition. Next time, I hope you change your veneration practices accordingly, and try hard not to be so stupid.<br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com196tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-27194353875230309842007-07-16T00:01:00.002-04:002008-05-16T00:10:34.703-04:00The Brewers Are Still Doomed<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.theticketking.com/tickets/images/brewers1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.theticketking.com/tickets/images/brewers1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Have you ever eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup while sitting on the toilet? It’s an interesting experience to say the least. The sweet, chocolate, peanut-buttery taste caresses your taste buds in their succulent awesomeness, but because of the look of the candy and the place you’re sitting, the thought never leaves your mind that “Oh my God, I think I'm eating a giant sample of stool!” That’s basically how I feel about the 2007 Milwaukee Brewers. It might look and taste good, but after thinking about it, things go downhill pretty quickly.<br /><br />The positives about these guys are the platitudes: “They play the game the right way,” “they have a lot of youth and enthusiasm,” “the game comes easy to them,” etc. Have you ever actually looked at the way their lineup is constructed? The starting pitching is not that great, and wunderkind Ben Sheets is still an injury waiting to happen. After one more ten strikeout game his arm is bound to explode. Ace-closer Francisco Cordero has been among the NL’s best this season, but this is the player who made a Howard Hughes style meltdown in Texas look like cold feet before marriage. Before you know it, the guy will be blowing saves, throwing up like Willie Beaman in the bullpen before games, and keeping his urine in plastic bags.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href=" http://www.fccps.k12.va.us/gm/lasso/Archive/2004-2005/reviews/6-11-05-TheAviator1.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src=" http://www.fccps.k12.va.us/gm/lasso/Archive/2004-2005/reviews/6-11-05-TheAviator1.JPG" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>"It’s the wave of the future"</i></center><br />The hitting is not much better. JJ Hardy has been playing over his head for a while now, and is due for a regression. Do you really thing he’s going to hit 35 HR’s, and have a slugging percentage around .500? There is no chance the 2nd coming of Alex Rodriguez could play in Milwaukee-- it’s seriously not possible. Besides, the guy is basically the Brady Quinn of professional baseball. Is this the kind of dude you’d really want your team to rely on down the stretch? And speaking of “stretching,” “closing windows”, and JJ Hardy, let’s just say that the one in the upper-deck isn’t the only chute that Bernie Brewer is sliding around in. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://users.commspeed.net/guzzi/images/Hardly%20Boys.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://users.commspeed.net/guzzi/images/Hardly%20Boys.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>“Oh my God you guys, I think I’m getting a clue!”</i></center><br />And speaking of horrific regressions, how about 3B, SS and OF Bill Hall? It seems like last year was the serious aberration, and this season is indicative what Hall can do. This guy’s strikeouts make Mike Cameron look like Tony Gwynn, except thinner and not nearly as black. Not to mention that by the time Hall is finished getting worse, the guy’ll be playing in AAA, and will have by that time committed a fantasy baseball holocaust not even the owners of Andruw Jones have ever seen. <br /><br />If these things happen (and the way things have gone for the Brewers and their fans, they must) then the team’s division rivals are bound to overtake them eventually. Although it’s generally not a good idea to count on the Cubs for anything other than national embarrassment, the 300 million dollar men are starting to come around as of late, and are only about four games back in the division standings. In addition, the computer projections have always like the Cards in this division, and if Albert Pujols makes up for the time that was lost earlier in the season, and the <a href="http://www.deadspin.com/search/Ankiel/">Rick Ankiel experience</a> gives the team a Josh Hamilton-level boost, then the NL Central crown will be ripe for the picking.<br /><br />Time to face the facts—the Brewers are doomed. The club right now is hanging by a thread, and is probably a Paris Hilton hookup away from all out implosion. They might have tasted pretty good at first, but all you’ve really been eating is a nice chunk of feces. It might have taken a little longer than <a href="http://ontheshow.blogspot.com/2007/05/brewers-are-doomed.html">I originally projected</a>, but the season is over nonetheless. Enjoy watching the playoffs at home once again, gentlemen, and please watch where you eat.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.mascotstalker.com/reeses/reeses.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.mascotstalker.com/reeses/reeses.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Too weird not to post.</i></center><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-53377865630390253432007-07-11T23:29:00.001-04:002008-05-16T00:03:55.550-04:00Seattle Done Lost Its Mind<br><a href="http://mvdesign.mvcreations.com/graph_design/baseball/ichiro.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://mvdesign.mvcreations.com/graph_design/baseball/ichiro.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />According to the Seattle Times, the Mariners are <a href="http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/sports/2003783037_webichiro10.html">set to sign </a>Ichiro Suzuki for 20 million dollars over the next five years, signaling that after a few years of financial discipline and forward thinking, the financial baseball market has gone officially and completely insane. Keeping Ichiro around for the short-term should be a priority, but the long term ramifications of this deal make Alfonso Soriano’s mega-deal with the Cubs look like Frank Thomas’ year in Oakland by comparison. Seeing Garret Anderson, Bernie Williams, and Jeff Bagwell cripple around the bases in their twilight years hasn’t exactly inspired GM’s everywhere to give older guys big contracts, has it?<br /><br />Despite a few inquiries to the contrary, Ichiro is a no-doubt Hall of Famer. 200 hits a season for 10 years would put him in the pantheon for the best pure hitters in the history of the game: Cobb, Gwynn, ####*, Aaron. But as much of a reputation as Ichiro has (and you basically have to have a rep to get away with using only one name) the guy isn’t the overall offensive weapon some folks make him out to be. He doesn’t get on base regularly, he doesn’t hit for power, really all he does is hit the ball well and generally keeps it in the park, and I’m under the impression that those kinds of guys don’t age too well.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.astroasylum.com/files/images/bagwell%20night%202.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.astroasylum.com/files/images/bagwell%20night%202.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Bagwell 2006: 0H, 0HR, 0RBI; $19,369,019 dollars.</i></center><br /><br />Think about it, singles hitters rely so much on their speed—to stretch out a double from a hit that would ordinarily be a single, or beat out a bunt attempt or a chop over the mound outright. Without that speed, the 30 or so extra hits a year that turn into outs can take a pretty hefty toll on a batting average, and when you don’t hit for power or walk much to begin with… a team miiiight not want to give that guy big dollars until he’s nearly 40. Throw in what seems to me like a generally mediocre performance in centerfield this year, and this has Bernie Williams territory written all over it. This is not to say that Ichiro won’t be a productive player for the next few years, but for the next five? That gets a little iffy. Are the dollars that come in from Japan with Ichiro playing really enough to make up for a 20 million dollar below average player in 2011? <br /><br />The real story out of all this is the coinciding bump free agents will get in salary once this deal’s done. With a slap-hitter like Ichiro making 20 million, what will this do to the rest of baseball salaries? 20 million for Torii Hunter? 25 Million for the <a href="http://ontheshow.blogspot.com/2007/06/adam-dunn-was-bad-choice.html">atrocious</a> Adam Dunn? 30 million for Carlos Zambrano? Don’t even get me started on what A-Rod will be worth. This all started when Omar Minaya gave 13 million to the rotator cuff formally known as Pedro Martinez, and with the contemptible Scott Boras having the ear of the commissioner, chances are it’ll only get worse.<br /><br />Fans everywhere are getting screwed because of this deal, and not just because that little SOB Ichiro will be terrorizing the AL for the next half decade. The increase in player salaries across the board will mean that (a) Your favorite player will be leaving for bigger money than it takes to keep him and (b) When he signs that contact, he’ll be terrible by the end of it. You mean there’s a lose-lose situation in baseball that doesn’t involve watching the Home Run derby? Count me in! The baseball financial market’s officially done lost it’s mind. Time to ride the madness, watch the carnage, and just sit back and enjoy the crazy.<br /><br /><a href="http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/04/19/sports/baseball/arod.650.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/04/19/sports/baseball/arod.650.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>40 Million buys a lot of She-Males.</i></center><br /><br />*Name redacted by order from Major League Baseball and its clubs.SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-55068015510875138822007-07-09T21:41:00.000-04:002008-12-10T10:11:14.169-05:00Kevin McClatchy = Robert Mugabe<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qwt0CzQYqU/RpLkILhfhYI/AAAAAAAAAGI/FC8VCtexf2Y/s1600-h/McClatchyequalsMugabe.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qwt0CzQYqU/RpLkILhfhYI/AAAAAAAAAGI/FC8VCtexf2Y/s320/McClatchyequalsMugabe.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5085377758438065538" /></a><br />In terms of generally every measure, be it wealth, influence, or happiness, almost every place on Earth has been made better by the natural wheels of the future that creates progress as a byproduct. In fact, there are few places on planet in this world that are demonstrably worse today than they were 30 years ago. However, arch-dictator Robert Mugabe’s Zimbabwe just so happens to be one of those places. The other is the baseball city of Pittsburgh, under the stewardship of CEO Kevin McClatchy. Now, you might read the post’s title and think that comparing a relatively benign executive to a murderous and possibly insane African dictator is the height of lunacy, but hey, crazy is what I do here at OnTheShow, and if you laugh at something horrible, it helps make the nightmarish reality of it all much easier to deal with. This reality being 14 losing seasons, of course. Let us count the transgressions against humanity! <br /><br />Ignoring the pleas of fans = Massive Voter Suppression<br /><br />Numerous petitions for new ownership = institutional election fraud<br /><br />Trading Kris Benson = Systematic persecutions of homosexuals<br /><br />Using tax dollars to build PNC = race-based farm takeover program<br /><br />Causing a statewide increase in Phanaics = thousands of executions<br /><br />Having to pay beyond top dollar for anything resembling a decent free agent = Weekly increases in inflation that’s risen to nearly 15,000 percent above the norm<br /> <br />The only accurate descriptions for each of these places are quaint little corners of Hell. The ‘Burgh has ugly women, crummy weather, the Amish, and 14 years of unabated losing. Zimbabwe has AIDS, malaria, widespread starvation, and unimaginable poverty. It’s my understanding that when faced with a choice between the two, most people would pick Pittsburgh, but they might have to think about it. Now, according to several sources, change is in the air. Mugabe is <a href="http://www.irinnews.org/report.aspx?reportid=62530">promising elections</a> within the next two to four years, and Pirates CEO Kevin McClatchy has <a href="http://www.postgazette.com/pg/07187/799784-100.stm">agreed to step down</a> after this season. But then again, haven’t Mugabe apologists been saying the “old man” will eventually step down for a while now? The way the Pirates operation has shaken out, I can see McClatchy staying on while a replacement is found, then staying on for another season, then staying on indefinitely. If it works for 3rd world dictators after all, it’ll work for the Pittsburgh Pirates.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.athleticreporter.com/images/stories/233_9236.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.athleticreporter.com/images/stories/233_9236.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>The Randall Simon order came from on high</i></center><br /><br />The baseball city of Pittsburgh and Mugabe’s Zimbabwe are some of the most wretched places to have ever cursed God’s Earth. The transgressions against their people are legion, and all stem from the leadership of the executive. The sooner these two are removed from their posts, the sooner their followers can enjoy living again, and move in a more positive direction. After all, Andruw Jones is a free agent, and the status quo hasn't worked out. They're bound to be interested, right?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://msnbcmedia2.msn.com/j/ap/frangags10707272135.hmedium.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://msnbcmedia2.msn.com/j/ap/frangags10707272135.hmedium.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Hey, what's another 14 years?</i></center><br /><br />NOTE: If you’d like to make a contribution to the very generous causes of helping the people mentioned in this post <a href="http://the-parrot.blogspot.com">click here</a>. Or, you know, <a href="http://www.zimfund.com/">here</a>. <br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-17251377853653187112007-07-04T07:53:00.000-04:002007-07-04T08:19:47.054-04:00It's Your Patriotic Duty to Watch Baseball<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.united-states-map.org/images/american-flag.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px;" src="http://www.united-states-map.org/images/american-flag.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />July 4th is a celebration of our independence, and all of what is right in the United States. There are only two things that I can think of are quintessentially American. One is Jazz. The other is baseball. On this outstanding July 4th holiday, I hope that you are doing one of those things that isn’t lame. Catch you guys on the flip.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://yankeeschick.mlblogs.com/yankees_fans_are_the_true/images/babe_bows_out_1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px;" src="http://yankeeschick.mlblogs.com/yankees_fans_are_the_true/images/babe_bows_out_1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-15892894641628556182007-07-01T23:37:00.001-04:002008-05-15T23:56:58.409-04:00Grover's a Goner<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20070701/capt.8182821180444675a88884ee3fe44ac6.hargrove_resigns_mariners_baseball_wakc110.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20070701/capt.8182821180444675a88884ee3fe44ac6.hargrove_resigns_mariners_baseball_wakc110.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />On Sunday, Mike Hargrove resigned as the Manager of the Seattle Mariners due to a “lack of passion” for the game, and an interest to spend more time with his family. OnTheShow interviewed high profile players on the club to gauge their reactions.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/v/mlb/players/20070502/6200.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 50px;" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/v/mlb/players/20070502/6200.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><b>Jeff Weaver, SP</b> – Damn brah, I’m so high right now. <a href="http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/06/ksk-birthday-wishes-from-michael-vick.html">I think I just need to lay down and ish</a>. What? Grover’s gone dude? No way, man. How can you not love it here? The <a href="http://www.starbucks.com/">coffee’s</a> great, the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grunge_music">music</a> scene is so uplifting, and the <a href="http://oregonstate.edu/">local college</a> has some of the best weed in the country. Whatever the reason, it can’t be my pitching, right? I’ve been on a roll this month, right? I don’t even know anymore, man.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/v/mlb/players/20070502/5931.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 50px;" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/v/mlb/players/20070502/5931.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><b>Richie Sexson, 1B</b> – Out of all the people I’ve been managed for (and believe me, there has been a few), Grover’s probably the only guy who’d call a hit-and-run when I was on 1st base. I’d be all like “Grover, the last time I successfully stole a base was in 1997.” Well, he said he “had a feeling about it,” and I guess he has a feeling about this play too. I just hope it works out better than that hit-and-run did.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/v/mlb/players/20070502/7812.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 50px;" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/v/mlb/players/20070502/7812.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><b>Adam Jones, OF</b> – Grover was the 1st manager I’ve ever had, so I’ll remember his lessons for the rest of my career, ya know? My favorite lesson was “use a different name when checking into a hotel.” I was in Tacoma playing in AAA, and after pickin' up some poonani, and I tried to check in as Adam Jones. Peoples start jumpin’ over tables for cover and shit. I was like “damn, yo, I ain’t Pac-Man!” but they wouldn’t listen. People started crying, begging for their lives and ish. Dudes started giving me their wallets. This one dude gave me a diamond ring he was smuggling up in his ass, and I was like “yo, son, I ain’t Pac-Man.” It’s like every black athlete with essentially no college education named Adam Jones is forever tainted because of this crackhead. If he goes to play the Seahawks in five years after he gets outta prison or whatever, I’ma beat his ass.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.sadsamspalace.com/images/Miyamoto-small.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 50px;" src="http://www.sadsamspalace.com/images/Miyamoto-small.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><b>Shigeru Miyamoto, Nintendo</b> – As Head Game Designer for Nintendo, Inc, I knew Hargrove-san, but only tangentially. I tried to create a baseball game using Hargrove’s exact managerial techniques, and it resulted in game with all-time lows in scoring. He would call bunts for Adrian Beltre, and would steal bases with Kenji Jojima. Everyone at Nintendo appreciated his years of service, but perhaps this is for the best.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/v/mlb/players/20070502/6615.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 50px;" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/v/mlb/players/20070502/6615.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><b>Ichiro, OF</b> – Manager Hargrove always managed with the warrior’s spirit, and tried his best to instill the spirit within all who played for him. However, his recent abandonment of our team makes us all question his teachings. A general who flees while his troops are still in battle is a coward of the highest order, and his family name will be forever stained. If he wishes to cleanse himself from this dishonor, he is welcome to take his own life via <i>seppuku</i>. Out of respect, I will allow him my sword for this task.<br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-26251883216107481452007-06-28T18:41:00.001-04:002008-05-15T23:53:32.705-04:00Sink the Ship Faster<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.nomaas.org/images/torreloss6-2007.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.nomaas.org/images/torreloss6-2007.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Andy Pettitte is saying the New York Yankees don’t “care” enough, Kyle Farnsworth is breaking things with practice bats, Scott Proctor is swearing at the media, and murmurs in the Yankee clubhouse say that Roger Clemens is missing the strikezone due to cataracts in his eyes, and forgetting pitch signs due to general senility. To put it mildly, the Bombers are facing an outright mutiny not seen since <i>The Bronx Was Burning</i>. Naturally, cackles of schadenfreude are heard from the usual suspects, but the question begs-- who is the savior who can bring the Highlanders back from the brink of elimination? What paragon of virtue and ability can rally the Yankee troops, and start a wild ride that will end deep into October with a World Series victory? Why, <a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/h/hillesh02.shtml">Shea Hillenbrand</a>, of course.<br /><br />Just when you think things have absolutely hit rock-bottom, Yankees GM Brian Cashman is apparently very close to <a href="http://www.newsday.com/sports/printedition/ny-spshea285272643jun28,0,6860773.story?coll=ny-sports-print">agreeing to acquire</a> the worst DH in the American League this side of Johnny Damon. Hillenbrand is a guy who:<br /><br />1. Sucks, to put it mildly<br />2. Got in a fist fight with his manager<br />3. Wrote on the white-board of the Toronto locker room “The ship is sinking, play for your contracts.”<br /><br />I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the perfect guy to bring on when a ship actually <i>is</i> sinking! Before you know it, the media locust swarm will be crowded around Hillenbrand’s locker like flies are to feces, and the “Shea-Hey Kid” will be saying, candidly, how doomed the team really is. That'll be great for morale I'm sure. Also, as much as I’d like to punch Joe Torre in the face (and this year, the feeling has occurred more often than not) it’s not like I would actually do it. Hillenbrand would. We haven’t seen a Yankee geriatric go down in violence since Don Zimmer in 2003, and how did that work out?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img456.imageshack.us/img456/6057/boone20hk.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://img456.imageshack.us/img456/6057/boone20hk.png" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Oh yea, like that.</center></i><br /><br />I’m not very persuaded by the arguments that there are some players that just know how to “win.” But there are some out there that just know how to lose. This is a guy who has only once played on a team that’s finished the season with an above .500 record, and has never sniffed playoff baseball. Is that, keeping in mind the other flaws mentioned above, really the kind of guy a team would want in a foxhole during a pennant race? I’m certainly not a baseball player, but I sure as hell wouldn’t think so.<br /><br />All is not great in Yankee land. The team is on the verge of <strike>dropping three-of-four to</strike> being swept entirely by the Orioles, A-Rod opt out talk is continuing to buzz, the bullpen is surrendering wins like they’re frog-blooded Frenchmen, and meanwhile in Detroit, Gary Sheffield is slowly earning the nickname “<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/12th_Street_Riot">the 12th Street Riot</a>.” However, there is still a lot of time left in the season, and former New York teams have done pretty amazing things in the 2nd halves of some baseball years. If the team acquires Shea Hillenbrand, however, then the fall of freaking Rome will pale in comparison to the circus of suck that will plague baseball's most expensive debacle until the end of their first season without the playoffs since 1994. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/baseball/mlb/1999/postseason/division_series/nl_div2/news/1999/10/08/bumbling_diamondbacks_ap/t1_showalter_ap.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 225px;" src="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/baseball/mlb/1999/postseason/division_series/nl_div2/news/1999/10/08/bumbling_diamondbacks_ap/t1_showalter_ap.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>While we're at it, let's bring back Showalter.</i></center><br /><br /><i>Hat-Tip: The essential <a href="http://www.mlbtraderumors.com/2007/06/hillenbrand-to-.html">MLB Trade Rumors</a></i>.<br /><i>Snoozing Torre courtesy of <a href="http://www.nomaas.org">nomaas.org</a>.</i><br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com68tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-58248458281099048642007-06-28T10:10:00.001-04:002008-12-10T10:11:14.308-05:00It's Their Party and They Can Cry If They Want To<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.toppun.com/Cool_Free_Stuff/Free_for_All/Free-Rainbow-Stuff/Free-Gay-Pride-Rainbow-Posters/Free-Gay-Pride-Poster-Smile-If-You-are-Gay-smiley-face-450.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.toppun.com/Cool_Free_Stuff/Free_for_All/Free-Rainbow-Stuff/Free-Gay-Pride-Rainbow-Posters/Free-Gay-Pride-Poster-Smile-If-You-are-Gay-smiley-face-450.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />My good friends of the KSK Gay Mafia are marking their one year anniversary together! If that's not just the height of Internet fabulosity, then I don't know what is. A year ago to the day, they all packed their bags up to San Francisco, got hitched, and launched their 1st ever post. Today, they're having a "stayed-together spectacular" celebrating how funny they all are. While most websites can't pull this off without being somewhat obnoxious, campy, pretentious, and self-congratulatory, isn't that what the gay movement in America is all about? Be sure to celebrate this fantastic occasion with other distinguished guests:* <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.shc.ohio-state.edu/posts/images/unavailable.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.shc.ohio-state.edu/posts/images/unavailable.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />1. Peter King's Famous Daughter, Mary-Beth King! A softball playing attendee at a liberal arts college would fit right in at an all gay party, despite the elephants in the room. MBK promises not to get too drunk, as not to give the mafia <a href="http://deadspin.com/sports/media/deadspin-moral-quandary-pk-vs-ksk-201657.php">more ammunition</a>. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cache.deadspin.com/assets/resources/2006/11/smootass.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://cache.deadspin.com/assets/resources/2006/11/smootass.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />2. Sex Boat Captain Fred Smoot, and his 1st mate, Dinari! Name not meant to be ironic, the golden couple helped launch Vikings fan Big Daddy Drew into Internet Superstardom (which in most quarters is a lot like being a prince in Hell).<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZzSeX2ctOaA/Rjq_jkmA56I/AAAAAAAAAHE/GCBBYVBLTsg/s320/DrZandSlicklessgay.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZzSeX2ctOaA/Rjq_jkmA56I/AAAAAAAAAHE/GCBBYVBLTsg/s320/DrZandSlicklessgay.JPG" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Can the jokes, I am not the Flaming Redhead</i></center><br />3. Dr. Z! The Doyen of the Sports Illustrated Football Corps, Z is going at the behest of the flaming redhead. While things like "Young People" and "The Internet" are strange and frightening to him, expect Z to bash Art Monk about 3,000 times while he's there. The phrase "Eight Yard Hooks" will give Unsilent Majority the same reaction as a Hezbollah guerrilla staring at a stick figure of Mohammad, and that my friends, is high comedy.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://loglog.peghole.com/archives/pics2005/pitbull.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://loglog.peghole.com/archives/pics2005/pitbull.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />4. Slayer! Not actually a death-metal band, this particular Slayer is the world championship pit-bull owned by Atlanta's own run-first freaknik, Michael Vick. Because he's worth nearly 100 thousand dollars, Slayer will be guarded by Vick-brother Marcus, who desperately needed a job. Why would an athlete worth millions in endorsements and NFL contracts participate in an activity that could ruin him financially? Because that's how you keep it real.<br /><br />Yours truly will be there all day, and you should be to. I'll take this moment to present this toast: To the KSK Gay Mafia, more talent than Dead-On, more popular than Ladies-dotx3, you'll be always be the 1st Deadspin-spinoff in our hearts. And our bookmarks. And probably, our anuses.<br /><br /><div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/HzpCcNdhy5w' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/HzpCcNdhy5w'/></object></p></div><center><i>Will there be gay club music? Fab-solutely!</i></center><br /><br />*Guest list subject to change.<br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-45372137459356331402007-06-27T23:21:00.000-04:002007-06-28T18:40:02.793-04:00Scott Boras Smokes Crack<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.12steptreatmentcentres.com/Articles/crack.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.12steptreatmentcentres.com/Articles/crack.JPG" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Scott Boras, baseball super-agent for Alex Rodriguez, Barry Zito, and the soon to be free agent Carlos Zambrano, has a new idea that could have only come from the mind of someone using powerful and deadly mind expanding drugs. Some might say it’s strange for someone so rich and influential to be under the influence of such substances, but ever since Ed Muskie got all whacked out on Ibogaine in 1972, anything is possible in America if there is enough corruption involved. New York scribe Bob Klapisch <a href="http://www.northjersey.com/page.php?qstr=eXJpcnk3ZjczN2Y3dnFlZUVFeXkyNjgmZmdiZWw3Zjd2cWVlRUV5eTcxNTkxMjUmeXJpcnk3ZjcxN2Y3dnFlZUVFeXk2">describes the idea in depth</a>: Expand the World Series to nine games, with two of the 1st nine games in presumably neutral grounds and warm-weather cities to enhance the stature of the game. This will give high-profile business types yet another glory-hole to suck-off their high level clientele.<br /><br />First off, this plan is complete and total lunacy. Baseball is supposedly already planning on extending the playoff format to seven-game series in the division and championship series. Throw in an extra two games in a warm weather city will push World Series games deeper into November, which will make fantastic television when the Red Sox, Yankees, Cubs, (and if God is kind) the White Sox and O’s will be playing in the snow. Second thing, unless the games are played in outer-space, can there really be a neutral ground in baseball? A site like Florida has the Marlins and future powerhouse D-Rays, Texas has the Rangers, and even though no one in California takes baseball seriously, it’s still got <strike>three</strike> <b>five</b> teams in state. If the Braves play the Tigers in Miami, who is going to have more fans in attendance—the team that plays a few hundred miles away, or a team that plays in the city that’s the US equivalent of Port-au-Prince?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://twojesters.com/seasonal/05.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://twojesters.com/seasonal/05.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Believed to be your average Haitian.</i></center><br />And do you know what’s worse outside of this general insanity? It’s that the doddering old nincompoop Bud Selig is actually taking the time to humor him. In case everyone didn’t already know, the labor-vs.-management struggle that in many ways has been the history of professional baseball, makes the mass genocide between the Hutus and the Tutsis look like a skirmish between the Hatfields and the McCoys by comparison. This is the guy who has been drastically driving up the price of free agents for years, now has the ear of the principal negotiator for ownership? Bart Giamatti would be rolling in his grave.<br /><br />Maybe Boras has his motives. Maybe he thinks that by expanding the stature of the Series it’ll make baseball more popular, his players higher in demand, and ere go, himself more rich. Maybe by playing a game always in Florida, teams can just transport a 600 pound (and by that time, client) Miguel Cabrera via semi-truck instead of a much more dangerous private jet. That’s an Aalyiah tragedy waiting to happen. But more realistically, Boras is smoking crack. Tina Turner said that crack was for poor people, but is there really any other explanation, here? Crack makes the mind feel crazy things—paranoia, mania, and fanatically greedy. All these were in play when he came up with this blasphemous idea. Lay off the crack Scotty, and our game will be just fine.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/2005/08/23/gallery.collisions/taylor_17.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/2005/08/23/gallery.collisions/taylor_17.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>"Remember kids, don't smoke crack."</i></center><br /><br />UPDATE: There are five California baseball teams: LA, San Fran, Anahiem, San Diego, and Oakland/Freemont. Thanks to Ben, Rob I., and the people who e-mailed. <br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-4372218873570605902007-06-27T10:43:00.000-04:002007-06-27T12:07:24.245-04:00Ch-Ch-Ch-Chan-ges!!<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.businessweek.com/ss/05/10/sportsites/image/deadspin.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://images.businessweek.com/ss/05/10/sportsites/image/deadspin.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>The nostalgia will fuck your mind.</center></i><br />In case you didn’t know (and if you’re reading this site, it’s impossible that you do not) <a href="http://www.deadspin.com">Deadspin</a>, the Internet Walmart for all things involving “underground” and “sports,” has undertaken a massive, fantastic site re-design. As one of the oldest and most senior Deadspinners around, I thought I should give my expanded take. I absolutely love it! I also loved New Coke, the Sacagawea dollar, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and ESPN mobile, so maybe my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt. My main qualm is not that the ‘Spin fixed something that wasn’t broke, or forced a radical change on it's viewers without a hint of what was to come, it’s that it didn’t go nearly far enough! You don’t change a Michelangelo statue with a chisel-- you break out the fucking jackhammer. Here’s some ideas that’ll be sure to make everyone's Deadspin experience much, much better. Or at least more synergistic. <br /><br />1. Since synergy with the Gawker Media Empire is already an obvious priority, why not bring on Commenter Executions, gay editors, and intrusive and potentially unverifiable athlete sightings? The sightings <a href="http://deadspin.com/sports/contests/last-call-for-athlete-run+in-stories-137212.php">were a staple</a> of site back in the day, and the KSK gay mafia can be brought in for the homosexual quotient. The site Executions on Deadspin have come far and few in between, and it could be seen as a real slap in the face to a person who was loyal to your brand and product, but hey, if it gets you past the post quota for the day/week, why not do it?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://gothamist.com/interview/images/sicha_big.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://gothamist.com/interview/images/sicha_big.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Google Image Search for “Choire” gets you this. Scary!</center></i><br />2. Smilies, smilies, and more smilies! People who actually use descriptive words to convey emotions are, by definition, ignorant morons. Let’s bring in smiley faces!<br /><br /><center>Instead of seeing:</center><br /><br /><center>“ :) “</center><br /><br /><center>Let’s get a:</center><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.ohg.sh.schule.de/ohg/start/Aktuelles/smilie.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 50px;" src="http://www.ohg.sh.schule.de/ohg/start/Aktuelles/smilie.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Better yet, let’s get those REALLY LOUD smilies that haunt the MySpace pages of America’s lonely. “HELLLOOOOO!” and “WHAT!” are sure to make everyone reading at work really know what site they’re viewing. Not only will it ratchet up ad revenue, it’ll bring in all those MTV-TRL viewers that might have been turned off by <a href="http://deadspin.com/sports/clips/ywml-suddenly-huge-with-13yearolds-182124.php">the commentariot’s initial salvo</a>.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.bra.cher.li/smilies.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.bra.cher.li/smilies.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Seriously, this isn’t at all annoying.</center></i><br />3. And speaking of the executed, this is already the Deadspin’s Vietnam, so why not bring back all the soldiers that were mentally unstable to begin with? Let’s resurrect Pot Roast n’ Gravy, TseTseFly, and Supermikes 1, 2, and 3. Will they bring anything to the table? Of course not! Did they ever? If “Embrace the Suck” is good enough for the US Marine Corps in Iraq, then it should be darn good enough for Deadspin.<br /><br />Come on people, wasn’t it obvious this entire time that wholesale changes had to have been made? You might have thought Deadspin kicked ass and was totally sweet, but you’re just an ignorant prole who has no idea about the complex research and in-depth analysis that goes into running an intergalactic Internet media empire. The changes our favorite site has made have gone far, true, but obviously not far enough. Do what I’ve written here, and the advertising dollars will flow the pooty-juice on a sex-boat. Biggie might have said “Mo Money, Mo Problems” but he’s dead. How smart can he really be?<br /><br />Make the Changes, Deadspin, and let our glorious revolucion continue. <i>Vamanos</i>!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlny/original/deadspin_shirt.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlny/original/deadspin_shirt.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><i>UPDATE: The "Viva La Leitch" T-shirt is obviously from the outstanding <a href="http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=79444">289 Designs</a>. Buy his products immediately, if possible. Especially the Masshole shirt. Bonus points if you're not being ironic.</i><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com49tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-32137026948964960102007-06-27T00:10:00.000-04:002007-06-27T08:16:07.506-04:00White Sox Fans-- Your Season is Over<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.philly.com/images/300*202/79735b5c-20ed-40fd-b441-a2cc23a0c27d.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://media.philly.com/images/300*202/79735b5c-20ed-40fd-b441-a2cc23a0c27d.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />After getting swept by the hapless Cubs, reports are beginning to surface that a fire sale is <a href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/jon_heyman/06/25/scoop.monday/?cnn=yes">now being planned</a> for the Chicago White Sox that’ll make the Reds yearly <a href="http://ontheshow.blogspot.com/2007/06/adam-dunn-was-bad-choice.html">reach-around</a> look like the Mulder-Haren trade, as yet another season ends in ignominious failure. While some bastions of support still exist (generally within the prison population of Illinois) it’s understood that when your club is only a game and a half up on the Kansas City Royals, it’s time to give up the ship. This is a welcome development for most baseball fans, because despite winning a World Series in 2005, the Southsiders haven’t exactly become America’s team.<br /><br />Outside of <a href="http://dugout.progressiveboink.com/">Internet phenom</a> Jim Thome and the ever entertaining Ozzie Guillen, there isn’t a lot to like with this brand of White Sox. Ever since Jose Contreras was reunited with his family and was placed in a lower-pressure environment, the guy lost a lot of his good story and drawing power. Any team that values Scott Podsednik can’t be taken seriously, and the media blow-ups the team’s General Manager has with past players leave a bad taste in viewers’ mouths, since the world will remember Frank Thomas long after Kenny Williams is dead. Injuries abound with the 2007 club, and while almost none of it could have been planned or corrected, these kinds of things don’t happen to the Dallas Cowboys of the world. Unless of course you’re Michael Irvin.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/football/nfl/news/1999/10/11/philly_fans_ap/t1_irvin_ap.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/football/nfl/news/1999/10/11/philly_fans_ap/t1_irvin_ap.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>This one goes out to Lt. Winslow.</center></i><br />The fact is, outside of a banner World Series victory in recent memory, the White Sox are probably one of the most wretched franchises that’s ever graced the national pastime. Before an 88 year championship drought was extinguished, they were even more pathetic than the Red Sox, but with far worse press coverage. Really, outside of providing misery for their own followers and fodder for the fans of other teams, the most notable thing about the CHW’s were those uniforms with the shorts, which were also some of the historically bad variety. Just like Rutgers football really has no place in the pantheon of great college teams, the White Sox don’t probably belong in the list of great teams and perennial contenders along with the Yankees, Red Sox, Cardinals, A’s, and Dodgers. Ere go, this team was doomed from the start—it was written in the stars.<br /><br />Now, does this mean things can’t get better? In a macro sense, yes. But good trades of essentially the entire team could put the White Sox in prime position to repeat some semblance of their 2005 success, provided the Twins, Indians, Tigers, and Royals, all get progressively worse as the years go by, and that has a pretty good chance of happening, right?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.lohud.com/blogs/uploaded_images/Borat-flag-770131.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.lohud.com/blogs/uploaded_images/Borat-flag-770131.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>…………NOT!!</center></i><br /><br />It’s time to revel in glorious schadenfreude, and outside of watching (VaJay)Jay Mariotti <a href="http://www.suntimes.com/sports/mariotti/441833,CST-SPT-jay25.article">poking White Sox fans with a stick</a> through his gilded cage, the greatest thing about the early demise of the White Sox are the wailings of the insidious Ken “the Hawk” Harrelson. If you are a person who believes in “goodness” and “truth” then Harrelson is almost certainly the Joesph Goebbels of a Major League Baseball organization. Not only during his announcing is he out-and-out rooting for the Southsiders, he tells outright lies to keep the fans entertained. Seeing Iraqi Information Minister Harrelson do the play-by-play for one of the league’s worst teams will bring delight to the millions of viewers who can actually see WGN.<br /><br />Congratulations to the 2007 Chicago White Sox. For about the first month of the season, you guys hung in there pretty well. Unforunately, this would not be the case throughout the rest of the baseball year. The new rallying cry of your team will now be “Let’s not be worse than the Royals.” It’s an accomplishable goal, I think. Probably more so than winning another World Series this century, anyway.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.photofile.com/Photos/Albums/05_MLB_WorldSeries/Thumbs/MarkBuehrleWSGM2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.photofile.com/Photos/Albums/05_MLB_WorldSeries/Thumbs/MarkBuehrleWSGM2.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>“He Gone.” And by this I mean “traded.”</center></i><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-44375943678908654952007-06-25T23:55:00.001-04:002008-05-15T23:43:35.023-04:00Your Favorite Yankee Prospect is Worthless<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://freecolterbean.com/images/Bean.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://freecolterbean.com/images/Bean.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />For those don’t already know, I am a big-time Yankee fan. Huge, even. It’s why when I see my fellow fans saying or doing things that mind-bendingly stupid, I cringe and woefully acknowledge that, yes, perhaps a large portion of Yankee fans really are the delusional imbeciles that everyone claims them to be. Therefore, when I see a idea or statement that is so righteous in its woeful stupidity, I take this task of bitch slapping all the offenders back to Africa with a distinct pleasure, similar to the way a pimp does when he slaps around his ho’. I realize that this might hurt a tad, but fear not, you’ll all be better people after this thrashing.<br /><br />The number of offenses are legion, but the most glaring one is the obsession with a little-known relief specialist named <a href="http://www.thebaseballcube.com/players/B/Colter-Bean.shtml">Colter Bean</a>. Bean, an Auburn Tiger and Yankees draftee, has spent almost his entire career in service to the Yankees minor league system. Poor measurables such as a having no fastball, no movement on said fastball, no secondary pitches worth mentioning, and no knowledge of how to pitch, had the organization down on him, for very good reasons. After getting annihilated while pitching in brief stints in the majors, Bean was sent back down to AAA, probably to serve out the rest of his wholly undistinguished career.<br /><br />In pro-wrestling, Bean would be called a "jobber." Jobbers were paid not to be the star attraction, but generally to put work in, lose, and make everyone around them look better. The pitcher's numbers against poor competition are good, true, but to a team competing for a World Championship, Bean is a worthless commodity and should probably have been released years ago. In fact, I say that he's less than worthless, because his very presence takes a spot away from a player who might actually help the major league club somewhere along the line.<br /><br />However, delusional Yankee fans still flock to this guy, and treat him like he actually might be one of the answers to Yankees myriad of bullpen woes. He's not. "Free Colter Bean!" they cry. A <a href="http://freecolterbean.com/default.aspx">website</a> was made in his honor, which answers the age-old question “Is there really anyone out there dumb enough to fall for a pyramid scheme?”<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/con-artist-6.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/con-artist-6.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />A Bean defender might say “You realize you are deeming him worthless after only seven innings in the majors, right?” No.<br /><br />He's worthless because he throws 85 miles an hour.<br />He's worthless because he's got a career ERA of 9.00 and a WHIP that's nearly 2.500.<br />He's worthless because Joe Torre abuses his relievers like they are insolent wives, and even HE won't use him.<br />He's worthless because people who know more in their little finger than you, I, or anyone including the so-called Internet experts know about the game of base-ball say he's worthless.<br /><br />He's worthless because he was put up for grabs to any major league team when he was put on waivers, and everyone passed on him. The Texas Rangers, who are scouting little-league parent-pitch baseball games for anything remotely resembling a live arm, passed on Colter Bean. Just as a special exercise, they even opened up the waiver process to Japan-- no takers. The Dominican Summer League? No takers. Remember that story about the new Israeli baseball team? That team they're building in Israel? Bean's surname was shortened from "Beanowitz" when his parents came over from Ellis Island. He's eligible to play. The Yankees offered him up on waivers… even THEY passed on him.<br /><br />Did you know that they played baseball the Planet Vulcan? It's not exactly fun, because everyone can read each other's mind, so the hitter knows what's coming. Games end up being like 100-97. However, they lack the strength human beings possess to throw a baseball faster than 70 mph. Even the Vulcans passed on Colter Bean.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.wikia.com/memoryalpha/en/images/thumb/2/2b/Vulcan_baseball_player.jpg/190px-Vulcan_baseball_player.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://images.wikia.com/memoryalpha/en/images/thumb/2/2b/Vulcan_baseball_player.jpg/190px-Vulcan_baseball_player.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Google Image Search for "Vulcan Baseball."</center></i><br /><br />The only thing Bean needs to be free from are his delusions that he's a major league player. Perhaps he's just trying to collect a paycheck, and his supporters are the ones that are delusional. Lucky for all of you, Mr. Slick, in all of his infinite wisdom, is relieving you all from such vision. I am hereby ending the career (if you can call it that) of Colter Bean. Yankee fans-- he is not a savior. Fans of other AL teams-- he will not come up again, so quit waiting around like little kids on Christmas morning.<br /><br />Colter, if you're reading this, in that demented attempt at the intellectual pornography called Google-scanning, you are hereby anointed by the High Priest of the <a href="http://ontheshow.blogspot.com/search/label/Cult%20of%20Matsuzaka">Church of Matsuzaka</a>, to quit the Yankees, and go teach gym. Outside of perverse schadenfreude-ian comedic value, enjoyed only by people whose grip on sanity is tenuous at best, you will not be missed. Hallelujah, and Amen.<br /><br /><i>UPDATE: The owner of <a href="http://freecolterbean.com/default.aspx">FreeColterBean.com</a> has expressed his thoughts on Bean in the comment section. Suppress your laughter accordingly.</i><br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-90976789020452225952007-06-25T00:11:00.001-04:002008-12-10T10:11:14.591-05:00Andruw Jones Ruined Your Fantasy Team<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://msnbcmedia2.msn.com/j/ap/frangags10707272135.hmedium.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://msnbcmedia2.msn.com/j/ap/frangags10707272135.hmedium.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>No U can not has cheezburger.</i></center><br />With once again having a game where he’s struggled with his hitting, perennial Silver Slugger and 40-homer man Andruw Jones has officially fallen below the Mendoza Line, and committed against fantasy owners what can only be called, accurately and conservatively, a holocaust. According to ESPN.com fantasy services, Jones is owned in 100% of all leagues, meaning that not only does every fantasy baseball owner everywhere have Jones on their team, they are also being screwed by him. As is with every year, Jones’ maddening potential is too good for a sell-low trade, or an outright drop, so fantasy teams with fewer options for power production must continue playing Jones, and basically carry out the fantasy version of a death march to Bataan. <br /><br />If you’re even a modest follower of statistical analysis, you know the book on Jones: Eschew the low batting average and strikeouts, you’ll earn points through walks, home runs, and RBI’s. Throw in the fact that Jones is in a contract year, and you have a potential 1st round pick that might hit 50 homers and drive in 125 runs or more. However, even the stat monkeys have begun to rattle their cages and throw their feces at this abomination of a season:<br /><br />OBP: .299<br />OPS: .680<br />WKRP: -1.0 x 10^15 <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qwt0CzQYqU/Rn9EWgzkgWI/AAAAAAAAAGA/dmKJcnHFY-M/s1600-h/feces.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3qwt0CzQYqU/Rn9EWgzkgWI/AAAAAAAAAGA/dmKJcnHFY-M/s320/feces.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5079854058251256162" /></a><center><i>"Especially when you write that strikeouts are a bad thing!"</i></center><br />If this were any other player in any other organization (save for maybe Seattle and Jeff Weaver) you would drop him from your lineup, and possibly investigate having him killed, depending on the laws of your state and/or country. However, this is no ordinary payer—this is Andruw Jones. Jones has “potential.”<br /><br />Potential is the silver-haired siren who gurus and players chase when building a championship team. She nestles up to your side and caresses your face, whispering insights and wisdom in your listening ear: “Do you want to be known as ‘Sell-Low Slick’?” she coos. “You know he’ll hit those 40 homers sooner or later. Drop or trade him now, and he’ll start to hit for another team.” And you know what? She’s right! So you hesitate, you try to stick it out a little longer. Meanwhile Brad Hennessy, Yovanni Gallardo, and Brad Hawpe stand unclaimed on the waiver wire and mock.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://mlb.mlb.com/images/2006/09/23/HNrPB6XY.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://mlb.mlb.com/images/2006/09/23/HNrPB6XY.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>If he's there, get him now.</i></center><br />Not to go all Bill Simmons here, but sometimes the worst thing you can have in any kind of relationship is a little bit of potential. Potential is the inspiration that lets the Yankees give Jaret Wright a three year deal. Potential is the motivation that convinced you that Peavy would finish with a winning record last year. Potential is the idea that makes you hang on to the loser girlfriend when you think she can be something. Newsflash people-- Wright sucks, Peavy was nowhere near a #1 starter last year, and the girlfriend is a screw-up. Also, seriously, no one thought she was hot. <br /><br />Yoda once said that hope is the source of humanities greatest strength as well as our greatest weakness. Or it could have been one of the guys in the Matrix. Regardless, this belief in a false potential is screws all people who buying into it for too long. This includes any and all people unfortunate enough to have Andruw Jones, who has probably ruined your fantasy team. In more positive development, Jones got his 1st hit in about 25 at bats last night; does this mean he’s turning the corner? Would it change our options even if it did? It’s real doubtful. Really though, it’s just one more sign that’ll keep us all here stuck hearing the same old song, and listening to all those damn whispers in our ears.. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://connections.smsd.org/veterans/bataan.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://connections.smsd.org/veterans/bataan.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-63065201759609608972007-06-22T14:26:00.001-04:002008-05-15T23:37:30.732-04:00Performance Enhancing TreesNote: This is not about drugs. Take your polluted mind elsewhere, hippy.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.solarnavigator.net/sport/sport_images/baseball_baum_bat_drawing.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.solarnavigator.net/sport/sport_images/baseball_baum_bat_drawing.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />A joke a friend of mine sent me made me think of something profound. It is as follows:<br /><br /><blockquote>Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"<br /><br />The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."</blockquote><br />See, this is one of those kinds of jokes that your grandmother e-mails you assuming (a) She’s Alive (b) She’s lucid enough to actually use e-mail or (c) She wants to show that for an octogenarian she’s still “hip” and “with it” and send you sexy jokes. Naturally, because of the source, this make you think of “SEX” and “GRANDMA” in your mind VERY EXPLICITLY and generally makes you want to take a soldering iron to your eyes and acid to your face. Regardless, it helped me to come up with something profound.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://fogcity.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/grandma.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://fogcity.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/grandma.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Not even remotely sexy.</i></center><br />The stuff they can do with technology and genetic engineering is crazy these days, and baseball is a multi-billion dollar industry that is always seeking to increase any edge their players can use within the limits of the game. Why not have an enterprising team genetically engineer trees to make the wood that they produce, like, super wood? I’m talking wood that is so hard and light it’s like carrying a metal bat in your hand, but it’s made of wood.<br /><br />So how is this done? I’m not a scientist, exactly, but I think magic might have something to do with it. Or injecting steroids into seeds and planting them with radioactive fertilizer. But come on. I think the Boston Red Sox need to do this, and if at all possible, do it immediately. Why? <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cabanedebart.free.fr/grabpics+other/Homer%20et%20ses%20tobaccos.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://cabanedebart.free.fr/grabpics+other/Homer%20et%20ses%20tobaccos.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Homer made Tomacco the exact same way.</i></center><br />1. Boston’s proximity to some of the world’s finest academic institutions can allow them put pressure on the scientists who can actually pull this off. And by “pressure” I mean, holding the geeks off a balcony like it’s Shug Knight vs. Vanilla Ice all over again.<br /><br />2. Boston’s proximity to the great forests of Vermont, New Hampshire, and Southern Canada (also known in some areas as “Maine”) give it plenty of testing ground, as well as the element of secrecy. Whitey Bulger has been hiding out in these areas for years, and if they can’t find him, a few glowing trees with spring-like leaves won’t freak out any locals. At least not any who aren’t already whacked out on maple-moonshine.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.healthsystem.virginia.edu/internet/medtox/images/moonshine.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://www.healthsystem.virginia.edu/internet/medtox/images/moonshine.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />3. Larry Luchino’s dollars make Boss George look like Boss Hog in comparison. This is high-end genetic engineering, here, and will be very, very expensive. Paying the scientists and buying fissile material aside, bribes will be made, and people need to be silenced. Imagine if during the test phase, one of these bats comes alive and eats Julio Lugo? Someone’s going to have to buy off his family. Then again, the way Lugo is hitting this might actually be an improvement. Don't forget they’d have to build their own lumber yard to actually make these bats as well. <br /><br />And besides, is there any other team that needs to satiate such a rabid fan base? Red Sox Nation (and I use the term very lightly, if they are a nation, it’s probably one like Haiti) reminds me of an impersonal Japanese corporation. Remember back in the 80’s, and we heard all these stories about Japanese employees who were so fantastically devoted to their companies that they would run around the office, come in on weekends, and ignore their families? The only difference is the employee gets paid, while a member of Red Sox Nation actually pays the Sox to belong. This new performance enhancing wood will provide historic levels of offense, and is the one way to actually fulfill the completely unrealistic expectations of the pizza-throwing lunatics that call themselves fans. The new wood would even let the Red Sox franchise catch up to the Yankees, at least in terms of championships. Because believe me, it’s not going to happen any other way, and that is no joke.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://mlb.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/pMLB2-1333435dt.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://mlb.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/pMLB2-1333435dt.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-61737470721965905682007-06-19T21:15:00.001-04:002008-05-15T23:35:14.011-04:00In The Future There Will Be Robots<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://mind.kaist.ac.kr/3_re/HumanRobot/images/2003_baseball_allstar_02.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://mind.kaist.ac.kr/3_re/HumanRobot/images/2003_baseball_allstar_02.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Is it me, or have the calls umpires have made this year been the worst baseball has seen since 1979? It seems everywhere, bad strike calls, missed judgments on balls in play, and Willie Bloomquist magnitude screw-ups have been fantastically commonplace. Every time I see these feckless, doddering, old fossils stand there around and argue a call that can be proved indisputably incorrect by three seconds of video evidence, I wonder why even have umpires in the first place. Replace them all with robots, I say!<br /><br />Now, to an old-school baseball purist, what I just said would border on heresy. They would have you believe that umpires are the caretakers of the game, and the heralds of the grand national religion of ours. But at one point in time, priests were the great caretakers of Christianity, and then they started insourcing by the truckload from Africa. Outside of some enclaves in Uganda, nobody plays baseball in Africa, so how true can this all really be? My logic is unassailable.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.mustangmods.com/data/10900/brilliant.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.mustangmods.com/data/10900/brilliant.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Priest and baseball are the same thing? Brilliant!</i></center><br />If you believe in chaos theory then one missed strike call can inexorably change the outcome of an entire season. Think about it: one wrong third strike call, one less chance for a batter to drive in runs, one less opportunity to use more elite relievers in a superior situation, and one less win total at the beginning of October can make a big impact—just see the winners of the AL Central last year, or the AL East the year before that. Grandpa might shake his head, and would argue all folksy-like that “it all balances out in the end” but does it really? If this is all completely random, and subject to the whims of one person of a seventy person umpiring roster on one particular day, has anyone even bothered to quantify such a claim? For an industry so concerned with the latest statistical trends and scouting, it’s inexcusable that more studies haven’t been done on this.<br /><br />The fact is, high speed cameras, light-weight sensors, and instant replay can do the jobs umpires do, but even better to the point of perfection. They’ve already started doing this in Japan, with generally positive results. Hirugaki Corporation president Oroku Saki is quoted as saying that the Japanese Pro Baseball League is very happy with the accuracy of the robot’s reading in the test phase rollout, and are looking forward to full robotic integration within the next few years (along with a hefty check, I suppose).* <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/asimo-1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/asimo-1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Will the slight replay phase with the computers and the lasers and the *GLAVIN* slow the game down? Marginally, perhaps. But no more than Steve Trachel’s dithering, Lou Pinella’s arguing, or every major league hitter sniping over balls and strikes. Now, those who are unwelcoming of our new robot overlords (I deem thee “anti-integration”) might say that these little foibles make the game fun. However, the way SABRmerics are headed, a soulless, mechanical approach to the game seems all but assured, so why not get this glorious new revolution off on the right foot with the umpire version of the AWESOME-O 3000?<br /><br />There are some problems to this, of course. There is an umpires union that needs to be managed, and by “managed” I mean, broke with the wrath of an early 1900’s factory owner when crushing socialist inspired rebellion. But that shouldn’t be too hard. Parks will still have grounds crews, so turning the hoses on deposed umps won’t be too tough, and umpires aren’t in exactly strong in numbers, so a massive physical intimidation campaign ain’t really all that massive. As for the actual players, who perhaps would be the umpire’s greatest ally, they would all probably rather chase women or get wasted rather than getting in a tricky labor dispute that could hurt their endorsement potential. Communism doesn’t play well in Peoria.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.evoluxion.com/utopia/images/communists.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px;" src="http://www.evoluxion.com/utopia/images/communists.png" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>I don't care who you are, Karl Marx + lampshade = Funny.</i></center> <br />At this point, the only reasonable argument against mechanical umpires would be that it is the first step towards a Terminator 2/Matrix-style robotic world takeover and enslavement by machines.** While probable, isn’t this a small price to pay for the peace of mind that comes from knowing the call was indisputably right? I just am sick and tired of seeing blown call after blown call affect the way the game is played. Baseball shouldn’t be soccer or the NBA where the tenor of officiating drastically affects games. When the <strike>assimilation</strike> integration begins, that's something we'll never have to worry about. The future is nigh. One day, there will be robots. Let’s let them do the umpiring. In your face, Isaac Asmov.<br /><br />*Alright, outside of the 1st sentence, nothing in this paragraph is even remotely true. Oroku Saki was the name of the original Shredder in the old <i>Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles</i> cartoons, and the “Hirugaki Corporation,” basically is a very Japanese sounding name for a fake company. Nor will there be a massive check for the implementation of robot umpires. But does this revelation actually take away from my original points? I don’t think so. Robots = cool, badass, death. Embrace the madness.<br /><br />**If you’re ready for some good old fashioned Japanese nightmare fuel, then click <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4xbe2emYVk">here</a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVqAvGzLk_8">here</a>. Try not watching it before falling asleep.<br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-5695800479216127532007-06-18T22:57:00.001-04:002008-05-15T23:30:16.987-04:00Leo Mazzone Didn’t Help Much, Did He?<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2006/writers/gennaro_filice/06/15/fiveup.fivedown/t1_mazzone.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 225px;" src="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2006/writers/gennaro_filice/06/15/fiveup.fivedown/t1_mazzone.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Executive Vice President Mike Flanagan <a href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/baseball/mlb/06/18/bc.bba.orioles.perlozzo.ap/index.html ">terminated</a> Orioles manager Sam Perlozzo on Monday, thus effectively ending a baseball career that has notable only by being hilariously entrenched in ignominious failure. Perlozzo, it seems, brought only two things to the table as O’s manager: Being almost entirely bereft of tactical baseball know-how, and having pitching scion Leo Mazzone be his best friend. In fact, some people with no familiarity with the situation whatsoever claim that Perlozzo was hired solely to recruit the venerable pitching coach that was thought to be the architect of the Atlanta Braves fourteen year NL East dynasty, and was perceived at one time to be the finest assistant coach in all of professional baseball.<br /><br />Some of you might forget, but there was an out-and-out scrum for Mazzone’s services when he chose not to renew his contract with the Braves. Stat-geeks (and I use it as a term of endearment) <a href="http://www.sabr.org/sabr.cfm?a=cms,c,1341">wrote formulas</a> on how the coach would help any staff he went to. Sports pundits across the nation offered their opinion on why their hometown nine should splurge on Mazzone. Brian Cashman offered to fellate him, and Theo Epstien actually did. Regardless, Mazzone, in the ultimate “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment, ended up taking the O’s job, and proceeded to accomplish nearly nothing of note, making him equal to almost every pitching coach in the major leagues. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.pressboxonline.com/upload/1.29_mazzone2_200.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 225px;" src="http://www.pressboxonline.com/upload/1.29_mazzone2_200.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>If you were John Smoltz this would be a lot easier.</i></center><br /><br />Take a look at the <a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/teams/BAL/2006.shtml">2006 Orioles pitching</a> performance. This thing is basically the statistical baseball equivalent of a triage unit in a war zone, or every other day in Detroit. From the "sundry guys" listed, I counted one ERA under five, and that’s not counting the rounded-up Kurt Birkins. The <a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/teams/BAL/2007.shtml">2007 squad</a> looks only marginally better, with general regressions from former pitching prodigies Chris Ray, Daniel Cabrera, Danys Baez. We'll have to wait until the end of the season to know for sure, but the only player who has markedly improved is staff ace Erik Bedard, who is the 2nd coming of Mike Mussina in terms of both performance and future payday with the Yankees.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.usatoday.com/sports/photos/30mussina.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 225px;" src="http://images.usatoday.com/sports/photos/30mussina.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Look on the bright side... they could have got Manny.</i></center><br /><br />Now, it is possible that things were so bad in “Balmer” that Mazzone’s presence was the only thing from letting the entire situation turn into total chaos. But that’s the kind of flawed thinking that got generally reasonable people thanking their lucky stars for LeBron James after the NBA finals had the worst TV ratings in their history. Are we supposed to be so naïve to believe that after years of taking the pitching dregs of the world and turning them into effective starters and relievers, Leo-Maz lost the magic touch? Hardly. The fact is, Mazzone had the good fortune of having three 1st ballot Hall of Fame pitchers play for the Braves, and their presence just so happened to coincide directly with his own tenure as pitching coach starting in 1991. The shrewd acquisitions Jon Schuerholz made, and the wise bullpen usage from Bobby Cox resulted in pitchers having an Atlanta resurgence, not some helpful tidbits from a rocking so-called sage. Giving pitching coaches in general that kind of pull is the kind of madness that lets guys like Rick Peterson make outrageous statements like “I can fix Victor Zambrano in an hour.”<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://tampabay.devilrays.mlb.com/images/2004/03/07/NXneIVUR.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 225px;" src="http://tampabay.devilrays.mlb.com/images/2004/03/07/NXneIVUR.gif" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>If this picture doesn’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul.</i></center><br /><br />Since the only reason the vaunted coach ever came to the O’s at all was because of Perlozzo, Mazzone will probably ask to be released at the end of this year, as this current incarnation of the Orioles is almost undoubtedly his Vietnam. Then the next Brett Favre/Roger Clemens-style attention fest will begin anew, maybe with your own hometown scribe giving the coach a mulligan. It <i>is</i> the O's after all. Just be sure to remember that just because a team has a great rotation, it doesn't mean there was a great pitching coach behind it. As for Leo-- next time watch who your friends are, buddy. You used to have a good reputation.<br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-30516095432990452962007-06-14T15:45:00.002-04:002008-05-15T23:20:19.929-04:00Messin' with Texas<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.utwatch.org/images/hicks.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://www.utwatch.org/images/hicks.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Even someone who delights in the misery of others would feel the slightest touch disheartened for Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks (pictured above). In a league where most owners run their clubs with the business acuity of a 3rd world kleptocrat, Hicks has done everything in his power to win. He’s overpaid for high-level free agents (Jose Canseco, A-Rod, Eric Gagne), he’s developed talent via the farm system (Hank Blaylock, Ian Kinsler, Michael Young), and regardless of anything he does, the team has gotten almost entirely and consistently worse. You have to chuckle to keep from hysterically laughing.<br /><br />I don’t know if you guys know how completely screwed Texas is. Rookie manager Ron Washington, less than a half-season into his tenure, is on the verge of an outright player rebellion, the likes and haste of which hasn’t been seen since the days of Buck Showalter. Mark Texiera, a cost-controlled perennial all-star, and the best 1st basemen in the American League, said that he would like to leave Texas to go play in his home state of Maryland. Do you have any idea how messed up a franchise must be to have its best player rather be in Baltimore? Have you seen <i>The Wire</i>? I don’t have the statistics on me, but I’m pretty sure that the crime and violence there are comparable only to present day Baghdad. And don’t even get me started on their baseball team. Baltimore’s, not Baghdad’s.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.worth1000.com/entries/30500/30761gagi_w.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://www.worth1000.com/entries/30500/30761gagi_w.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Google image search of “Baghdad baseball.” Very strange.</i></center><br />Whatever, the fact is, poor Tom Hicks has gotten some pretty bad advice from some pretty stupid people over the past ten years, and that’s what is holding his team back from dominating one of the generally weaker divisions in baseball. So Tommy, if you can hear me*, here’s how to fix the Rangers. Consider me a consultant, minus the whole 10,000 dollar fee.<br /><br />1. Rid Baseball of Jon Daniels<br /><br /><a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070611/ap_on_re_mi_ea/israel_palestinians">Currently in the Gaza Strip</a>, internal strife between rival Islamic militants from the Fatah and Hamas political parties have taken up the practice of throwing their rivals off the roofs of buildings. Hicks might do well to follow their example with his own General Manager Jon Daniels, who in three years has had the <a href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/jon_heyman/06/13/scoop.wednesday/index.html">worst GM tenure</a> this side of Dave Littlefield, with the Carlos Lee fiasco being perhaps the final infamy. Since life is really an interactive cartoon, Daniels won’t die, but he’ll certainly be injured enough to leave the club, and won’t degrade any other clubs with his presence. Then again, if you want to be <i>sane</i> about the whole thing, Hicks can just fire Daniels and attempt a blackballing, but that’s boring, and is certainly more so than watching the current Rangers.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://webapp1.dlib.indiana.edu/collections/cushman/full/P10474.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://webapp1.dlib.indiana.edu/collections/cushman/full/P10474.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>This might be a good one.</center></i><br /><br />2. Firesale<br /><br />This is probably happening any day now, but should be re-emphasized. Guys like Kenny Lofton and Eric Gagne can help a team win now, and can be traded to truly desperate teams for a king’s ransom. Now is your turn to find out who you can screw.<br /><br />3. Draft 50 pitchers<br /><br />The Rangers have zero viable starting pitchers. There are 50 rounds in the MLB draft. Ere go, Texas should draft 50 pitchers, and the 1st 20 rounds should be used on hard-to-sign prospects. Prep phenoms Rick Porcello and Matt Harvey were both available to be taken in the 1st and 2nd rounds for the Rangers, and they chose to let them slide. Keep this in mind 3-4 years from now when they’re cost-controlled and causing damage. Remember kids, the slotting system is for cowards and poor people—pay the young guys handsomely.<br /><br />4. Spend, spend, spend on starters.<br /><br />This is where Hicks can really shine. An old southern investment banker, this bastard has money to burn. 18 Million for Carlos Zambrano? 20 Million for CC Sabathia? 25 Million for Johan Santana? Why not all three! Starting pitching has been the Rangers’ Achillies heel for years, and along with drafting pitchers every pick for a few years which ought to wield maybe one or two viable starters, and those that don't might be pretty solid bullpen arms. That seems to me like a pretty good club.<br /><br />Now, there are other sundries that could help. Bringing in Chuck Norris for promotion would make a fine one. Regardless, I hereby end the season of the 2007 Texas Rangers. They tried out some interesting ideas in the pre-season, had a nice run of it for about the first four games. Enormous size is apparently a big deal in Texas, but the size the steak of consecutive seasons with the playoffs not made is probably not seen as a positive. Make the right moves, spend those Texas dollars, and the club will be a lot less funny. It might lead to some very big things.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://imagesource.allposters.com/images/pic/PHO/AAHB062_16x20-2006FieldingAction~Michael-Young-Posters.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 250px;" src="http://imagesource.allposters.com/images/pic/PHO/AAHB062_16x20-2006FieldingAction~Michael-Young-Posters.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />* From the outstanding musical “Tommy” by <i>The Who</i>. And if you try any of that Abbot and Costello routine on me there will be trouble.<br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-31539865589298808262007-06-13T21:12:00.001-04:002008-05-15T23:15:33.106-04:00Adam Dunn Was A Bad Choice<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.pacificcohistory.org/pacific_wholesale.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.pacificcohistory.org/pacific_wholesale.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Newsflash, America, the Reds are once again an awful, awful baseball team. When your club is so bad they can’t even compete in the drudgery that is the NL Central, then not only is it time to abandon ship, it’s time to start selling assets like you’re Ken Lay at a pre-crash Enron. Therefore, we all once again eagerly await one of the time-honored and favorite parts of the baseball season-- figuring out which silver-tongued GM is going to screw the Reds for the best players during this year?*<br /><br />You see, despite the team being so wretched, there are still solid pieces playing for Cincinnati. However, one of them is not Adam Dunn. For some reason, people tend to think positively of an ox that hits almost exclusively in the most prolific hitters park west of Fenway. Because of this, ludicrous questions still persist in my area of the world such as: “Is Dunn is the answer to the New York Yankees continual 1st base needs?” The answer? NO!!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.stdmfg.com/NO.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.stdmfg.com/NO.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />The local Fox affiliate here in New York has a thing they do nightly that says “It’s 10 PM, do you know where your children are?” Adam Dunn is similar, except “it’s 9:00 PM, do you know that Adam Dunn just struck out again?”<br /><br />Have you ever seen a mentally challenged person eat something they're not supposed to? Like a wooden dowel or some paste? No one wants to say anything to correct them, because that would be impolite, and we are a compassionate society that frowns on gestures such as that. So instead all the people just stand there and stare, mouths agape, wondering what exactly caused God to favor some and not others. The MCP (not to be confused with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIDU3WVuL9E">OPP</a>, the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Omni_Consumer_Products">OCP</a>, or <a href="http://www.sunywcc.edu/">WCC</a>**) sees this attention, and instead of wondering "why the heck are these people staring at me," his face morphs into an ecstatic grin and starts clapping his hands with delight. According him or her, attention is good, no matter where it comes from. It's a similar feeling that comes from defecating oneself, or blogging, which in some quarters is precisely the same thing.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en-commons/thumb/4/42/250px-Swinging_strikeout.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en-commons/thumb/4/42/250px-Swinging_strikeout.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />This is what Adam Dunn looks like when he's trying to field a ground ball hit to the 1st baseman. The ball bounces, Dunn does his little jerry-clap, the ball bounces off his chest, and in an ultimately futile effort to make a routine play for nearly all 60 starting 1B's in the MLB and AAA, he kicks the ball off into the 1st base dugout. Before you know it, Dontrelle Willis is cruising his way onto 3rd base, flashing gang signs, and calling himself Daisuke Mastublacka. Jason Giambi looks like Keith freaking Hernandez compared to Adam Dunn.<br /><br />Did I forget to mention that Dunn is hitting a better-than-career-average .250 right now, and that his career OPS is only marginally better than the league average at his position? New York, or any team for that matter, would have to overpay drastically for a guy who is really not all that good.<br /><br />So, a Dunn fan might say, why not put him at DH? Because New York already has six, the majority of them are injured, and the team doesn't need any more. Besides, I know we've all moved on from the concept of using batting average as <i>the</i> metric for player evaluation. But don’t you want someone who generally hits northward of the Mendoza line? Next thing you know, you'll be advocating for Andruw Jones, and that guy has the Mendoza line installed in his house.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.futilityinfielder.com/mendoza.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.futilityinfielder.com/mendoza.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Seriously, this is Andruw. Look at his numbers.</i></center><br /><br />Dunn reminds me a little bit of that fictional player that appeared in the commercials for MLB '06 "The Show." Remember that ad campaign? Remember those commercials? He was a black dude was playing in Osaka, Japan. Here's essentially a direct quote from memory:<br /><br />"People in Osaka don't care about hits, RBI's. They care about the long ball. I'm not a ball player, I'm an entertainer!!" The guy had an absurd stat line of like .196 AVG 32 HR 39 RBI. That's basically what we'll get with Adam Dunn. I'll ask any and all baseball teams to stay as far as bloody possible away from him, and that does double for the Yankees. If NY traded for Dunn, they would be the ones who are mentally challenged.<br /><br />*My money’s on Ned Colletti. He’s like Jim Bowden, only dumber, and Bowden pulled off the mother of all hose jobs last year. You can’t even rip guys off like that in fantasy baseball.<br />**Also known as "Harvard on the Hudson.”<br /><br /><i>UPDATE: Here' the commercial I was refering to. The video isn't working for me for some reason-- you tell me if I got his statline right.</i><br /><br /><div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/8eXjzKd6uRA' name='movie'></param><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/8eXjzKd6uRA'></embed></object></p><p></p></div><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-28526663194024395742007-06-12T21:51:00.002-04:002008-05-15T23:12:25.503-04:00Elijah Dukes Just Kicked Your Daddie's [Ass]<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://inlinethumb31.webshots.com/5982/2873342670056395142S600x600Q85.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://inlinethumb31.webshots.com/5982/2873342670056395142S600x600Q85.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><a href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/jon_heyman/06/12/scoop.draft/1.html">A masterful tidbit</a> comes from the generally incorrigible Jon Heyman’s “Daily Scoop” yesterday:<br /><blockquote>And there's another more outrageous story going around about how one young Devil Ray peeked his head into the Twins' family room at the Metrodome after a recent victory at Minnesota and shouted into a room full of kids. "We just kicked your daddies' [ass]."</blockquote><br />This is outstanding on so many levels it can hardly even be conveyed. First off, Heyman is too serious and SI a publication too venerable to ever write the word “ass” in one of their columns. Routinely posting pictures of hot women in nothing but body paint is ok, but expletives? Dr. Z would be rolling in his grave. <br /><br />Regardless of anything, it is absolutely Elijah Dukes who went in and said this. Unverified, you say? Hearsay? Libel? Madness?? That’s what the Internt's for. After threatening to kill his wife and her kids, he’s probably not averse to getting in the sandbox with the tykes, and due to his immaturity and anger issues, it makes too much sense not to be true. What’s apparent is that the D-Rays are slowly but surely becoming the most hilarious team in the league.<br /><br />Let us count the ways: Rocco Baldelli’s injury history is making Kerry Wood look like Nolan Ryan, Delmon Young has a <a href="http://ontheshow.blogspot.com/2007/05/fear-delmon.html">budding criminal empire</a>, the Scott Kazmir trade is still giving Mets fans nightmares, James Shields is on the verge of homicide because he’s stuck with this run support, and it’s possible they’re bringing back Jesse Orosco for some semblance of relief help. To top it all off, Elijah Dukes is the MLB’s version of Michael Vick, and this is no longer even disputable. The fact that the team as a whole is talking trash to the players children makes this even more outstanding, and is probably a page out of Mike Tyson's repartoire. I can see this spiraling out of control a la the Miami Hurricanes in the 80’s. Rampant criminality, traditionalists freaking out everywhere, elite play, a crappy stadium, and inevitably, military fatigues, rap videos, and murder. Will there be probation? Sanctions? Contraction? A banning of <a href="http://www.tbt.com/entertainment/news/article21085.ece">Rated R</a> from the dugout? Almost certainly, and it's going to be great to watch. We are in the midst of a glorious future for MLB, and the first signs stemmed from Elijah Dukes saying “We just kicked ya daddie’s [ass]” to Torii Hunter’s kids. When this all finally happens, and at this point it must, you guys can all say Slick saw it coming from back in the day.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.durhambulls.com/clubhouse/2006players/slides/dukes.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.durhambulls.com/clubhouse/2006players/slides/dukes.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Not busted for dog fighting. Yet.</i></center><br /><br /><i>UPDATE: From my good friends at <a href="http://www.withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=3107">WithLeather</a> comes the report that Dukes has fathered a child of a 17 year old girl. I'm guessing the Prophet might be more Marcus than Michael.</i><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8009202115236584724.post-32373798199748528442007-05-23T23:55:00.002-04:002008-05-15T23:10:17.735-04:00Tommy Can You Hear Me<br><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.palomar.edu/performingarts/academic_programs/interperformance_images/Tommy_poster.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.palomar.edu/performingarts/academic_programs/interperformance_images/Tommy_poster.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Tom Verducci, I’d like to preface this by saying I’m a big fan. Huge fan, even. Considering you’ve racked up national sports writing awards like the Yankees have racked up championships, I’m sure I’m not the only one. Your writings have anointed you as one of the great caretakers of the game of baseball, and your first-hand take on what it’s like to participate in a Major League spring training or to umpire a spring training contest, are writings that enrich our enjoyment of America’s Pastime. <br /><br />But I think someone needs to tell you (and I’d like you to sit down when you hear this) you are NOT a Toronto Blue Jay. Just because the last ever Canadian baseball team decided it would be a good idea get some easy publicity and let you roll around in the sand for five days doesn’t give you entry into the fraternity that is “The Show.” And I mean, seriously, how close can you get to some guys after knowing them <a href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/tom_verducci/03/29/blue_jay0314/index.html">for five days</a>? Vernon Wells is not your homey. BJ Ryan was probably not going to be the first one to tell you that he’s hurt, despite the posturing of his team, and Doc Halladay is not your huckleberry.* Outside of proving to the world that baseball players are outstandingly good compared to the rest of the planet, the most notable thing you did, really, was listen to a lecture on why eating feces is bad, and most of us get those lectures at work all the time. I get them daily.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2007/writers/tom_verducci/05/22/hall.game/t1_verducci1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2007/writers/tom_verducci/05/22/hall.game/t1_verducci1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Will never go to the bathroom and then touch the spread</center></i><br /><br />And now you’re <a href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/tom_verducci/05/22/hall.game/index.html">playing in the Hall of Fame game</a>? Josh Lyman in the West Wing (Brad Whitford’s character) had a terrific line, saying “There comes a time in every man’s life when he realizes he won’t be playing professional baseball.” That time in your life is now. You’re a lot like that weird guy in Happy Gilmore following around Shooter McGavin, a man would do anything to be closer to the sport. It’s beneath you, and it’s embarrassing. Journalist’s forays have often yielded disastrous, <a href="http://www.onthemedia.org/yore/transcripts/transcripts_112202_espn.html">though hilarious</a>, results, and before you know it, your wife is going to have the ass** because you’re spending all your time in the batting cages getting ready for your next “story”, in the utterly insane notion that some team, somewhere, will actually give you a shot. Madness, I tell you. The D-Rays might have been up to it once upon a time, but they’re actually somewhat respectable right now. The Brewers, despite their impending doom, also will not want you. Toronto has seen what you have to offer, and still no sale.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.clonehighusa.com/backstage/cast/cast/Joe%20flaherty.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px;" src="http://www.clonehighusa.com/backstage/cast/cast/Joe%20flaherty.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><center><i>Well Gustavo, I'll be at the Red Lobster if you change your mind!</center></i><br /><br />Keeping this up makes you the journalistic equivalent of Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite. Uncle Rico was funny because he was a loser. You’re not yet a loser. However, you’re getting very, very close to being one, so consider this an intervention. You might have been a Toronto Blue Jay, but you’re not any longer. Channel your athletic drive into beer-league softball, or better yet, <a href="http://yankees.lohudblogs.com/2007/05/22/new-york-media-rallies-to-4-2-win/">kicking the crap out of Boston sports writers</a> for an afternoon. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can return to you fantastic writing. It’s not quite the show, but you’re still part of the game. <br /><br />*Because you need to know where this is from:<br /><br /><div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/b4_IgihvYDU' name='movie'></param><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/b4_IgihvYDU'></embed></object></p></div><br />**and <a href="http://www.wearethepostmen.com/?p=526">this too</a>.<br /><br>SlickBombhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00174600353432293959noreply@blogger.com2