Friday, April 13, 2007

Josh Hamilton Saved By Jesus Chain E-Mails

Josh Hamilton is a terrific story. Heroic, even, or mind bottle-ingly stupid depending on your perspective. The #1 overall pick in the 1999 amateur draft, Hamilton fell into injuries, drugs, suspensions, all essentially at the same time as the Devil Rays futility continued.

25 tattoos, crack, four million, and the #1 overall pick. It bottles the mind.*

Regardless, after hitting rock bottom, he embraced Matsuzaka Jesus, got his life back together, got selected by the Reds in the Rule V draft, and the rest is recent history. I got two things out of this piece, both of which make me want to cry. First is that after what was essentially a three year layoff, he could light up the gun with a pitch, whereas I’m barely able to break 100 70 60. Some guys just got “it.” “It” meaning unparalleled athletic ability and the mojo to bang hot groupies whenever they mood strikes them.

Second is this little quote here:

Now, at the kitchen table, Hamilton toggles through some text messages saved on his cellphone until he finds the one he was looking for: Dated Dec. 6, 2006, at 1:42 a.m., it reads: "Jesus never fails. Send this message to nine people except me and you will get good news tomorrow. Don't take this as a joke." As soon as he got it, he did as instructed.

The next morning, in a hotel ballroom at Walt Disney World Resort near Orlando, baseball held its annual Rule 5 draft. Hamilton got a call later that day from a scout he knows. "Hey," the voice said, "you got taken by the Cubs." A little while later, another call: "Check that. The Cubs just traded you to the Reds."

Are you freakin' kidding me? Hamilton attributes his comeback to a chain e-mail probably started by a Jesus-freak 13 year old girl in rural Alabama? Absolute madness. Religion is good for all kinds of things like personal betterment, artistic creation, and jihad. It is not good for increasing the amount of chain e-mails already spamming the tubes of the Internet and driving good and decent people bat-shit crazy. If Hamilton is for chain mail, then I am against him. A pox upon his house.

Josh Hamilton-- Jesus' 4th outfielder

*Note: It is impossible to mention Blades of Glory without a sexy picture of the smokin’ hot “Pam” from “The Office” in sex-garb. Very tasty. And I mean that in a totally cannibalistic way.


Corey Ettinger said...

Hamilton was actually selected by the Cubs in the rule five, then traded to the Reds. Just another beautiful Cubbies blunder.

SlickBomb said...

He'd be a nice fill in for Soriano, anyway. Robinson Cano (another 2B eligible player in some fantasy leagues) pulled a hammy last season for N.Y. and was out for two months. Remember-- it can always get worse.

Anonymous said...

youre a loser. go back to the real world...although no one tolerates your shit there. so stay on the internet leading your pathetic life where you think you actually mean something.


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