I Am Bill James and I Am Smarter Than You

Greetings, fuckwits. You are all lucky enough to be in the presence of the most freakishly intelligent man in the history of professional baseball. I find your invitation to the Pasadena Shrine of the Eternals appropriate, and thus, I’ve decided to actually show up and do a little Q & A. It’s not quite the baseball Hall of Fame, but that will obviously come in time. My minions call me "The Sage of New Hampshire," and this gives me the right to pass on a hearty “fuck you” to Warren Buffet, "The Sage of Ohmaha." Whereas I’m the sage of my own state, he’s only a sage of a city, so I own his ass. What do you mean New Hampshire doesn’t count as a state? Lick my balls.

For years I’ve been saying things like “It’s entirely possible to be completely successful in the baseball business without ascribing to any of my work.” I, much like the vast majority my followers (just look on Internet message boards everywhere), am reversing this statement, and saying that it is total bullcrap, and anyone who doesn’t follow in-depth statistical baseball analysis should automatically lose the right to watch a game of professional baseball. I mean, why watch when you can't possibly understand everything what's going on? In some cases, said person should lose the right to breed, because he/she might have a son, and that would pervert this glorious eugenics of baseball I’m striving to achieve, here. Baseball is not for the plebs, people! It is for we happy few, we band of egg-heads, who have never played an ounce of the game professionally yet still by the light of our incalculable intellects, know absolutely everything there is to know. On to your almost certainly dumb questions.

What’s your opinion of Darin Erstad, and considering his track record with the Angels, isn't a player like that valuable on a championship team?

Haha. HAHAHAHA. BWAHAHAHA!! In the Dark Ages, hordes of roving barbarian Cossack tribes in what is now Southern Russia would conquer neighboring peoples, and in a fit of sport, would throw their infant children to hungry wolves and watch them be eaten. That’s what I’d do to Darin Erstad, if I had a time machine, which by the way, I’m inventing, and fuck you, it’s already patented, because it’s a motherfucking time machine. Darin Erstad blows donkey balls. He can’t hit, he can’t field, and he can’t play. And who gives a monkey-shit about how he “hustles” and “won championships”? I don’t know how many times I have to say this: if I can’t put it in a spreadsheet, dickhead, then it DOESN’T.FUCKING.EXIST.

Look where that little bitch is right now-- trying to avoid getting DFA’ed by the Chicago White Sox (or CHA for any of you non BP subscribing cock goblins). Any team that steals, bunts, and gives consistent AB’s to Scott Podsednik, deserves a punch right in the pussy. Darin Erstad sucks, he should die, next question.

Are you impressed with Brewers 1B Prince Fielder, and what does his progression mean for smaller market teams?

According to the tools that I invented (praise me) such as VORP, RCAA, Win Shares, and other super-cereal-statistics given by me solely to the Boston Red Sox to be unleashed like a tactical nuclear warhead, I can tell you that Prince Fielder is the best overall player in terms of everything, relative to cost. Yea and what else is new? What this means for smaller market teams is that it is time to stop spending big money on marquee free agents if your team is filled with a bunch of crap players. The only way to make your team succeed is to undergo a harsh rebuilding process where nearly each and every one of your core players is acquired through the draft. What if you can't draft, or afford the outrageous signing bonuses top picks get nowadays? Too bad bitch. Now, this rebuilding typically takes around five years, and by that time your fans will either be gone, rooting for the Yankees, or giving their energies to a different sport, but how is that my fucking problem exactly? I just make the rules, if you don’t like the way how they’re used, then tough testicles. After all, the best part about sitting in an ivory tower is pissing on the people below you.

Mr. James, you’ve never apologized for your criticisms of the Dowd report, despite Pete Rose proclaiming his guilt and affirming everything written in its findings. Don’t you think that as one of the leading voices in baseball theory, you have an obligation to speak your piece on a corrupting influence in the game?

No comment, next question, and fuck you.

Horrors of horrors, the New York Yankees haven’t won a World Series in seven whole years. Isn’t it better to let A-Rod opt out, and try to rebuild the team around pitching and defense? The guy isn’t at all clutch!

I remain unconvinced about the theory of “clutch” and it’s usefulness to baseball analysis. But what I do know is that you are a drooling, dribbling, retard. According to my statistics (again, praise me) Rodriguez is the best all-around player in the game. Consider that with the dollars Texas has contributed, and Rodriguez is a relative bargain for New York. There are some indicators that in a short series, pitching and defense wins (the sample sizes are too small obvi), but your belief that the Yankees should rid themselves of their best player in order to achieve this is somewhere between the stupidest idea that’s ever defiled the sanctuary of my glorious mind, and guganuafia’a, which is stat-speak for “you are a dumbshit.” But sure, fuck it, boo the fucker and drive him away. It makes my job a hell of a lot easier.

In closing, I’d like to thank Pasadena, but truly, I am already an “Eternal.” It was a nice ceremony, with balloons and sangria, but I was expecting something more… regal. After all, I am the father of statistical baseball analysis, the most important man in baseball, and (according to some people) the finest living being on the planet. Armchair net jockeys everywhere use my teachings like a voodoo talisman against any who would dare say that it's important to steal when the team can't seem to score. I’m like Kim Jong Il from the North Korean perspective, except I look like the gay guy who won the 1st Survivor competition. Next time, I hope you change your veneration practices accordingly, and try hard not to be so stupid.

Sink the Ship Faster

Andy Pettitte is saying the New York Yankees don’t “care” enough, Kyle Farnsworth is breaking things with practice bats, Scott Proctor is swearing at the media, and murmurs in the Yankee clubhouse say that Roger Clemens is missing the strikezone due to cataracts in his eyes, and forgetting pitch signs due to general senility. To put it mildly, the Bombers are facing an outright mutiny not seen since The Bronx Was Burning. Naturally, cackles of schadenfreude are heard from the usual suspects, but the question begs-- who is the savior who can bring the Highlanders back from the brink of elimination? What paragon of virtue and ability can rally the Yankee troops, and start a wild ride that will end deep into October with a World Series victory? Why, Shea Hillenbrand, of course.

Just when you think things have absolutely hit rock-bottom, Yankees GM Brian Cashman is apparently very close to agreeing to acquire the worst DH in the American League this side of Johnny Damon. Hillenbrand is a guy who:

1. Sucks, to put it mildly
2. Got in a fist fight with his manager
3. Wrote on the white-board of the Toronto locker room “The ship is sinking, play for your contracts.”

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the perfect guy to bring on when a ship actually is sinking! Before you know it, the media locust swarm will be crowded around Hillenbrand’s locker like flies are to feces, and the “Shea-Hey Kid” will be saying, candidly, how doomed the team really is. That'll be great for morale I'm sure. Also, as much as I’d like to punch Joe Torre in the face (and this year, the feeling has occurred more often than not) it’s not like I would actually do it. Hillenbrand would. We haven’t seen a Yankee geriatric go down in violence since Don Zimmer in 2003, and how did that work out?

Oh yea, like that.

I’m not very persuaded by the arguments that there are some players that just know how to “win.” But there are some out there that just know how to lose. This is a guy who has only once played on a team that’s finished the season with an above .500 record, and has never sniffed playoff baseball. Is that, keeping in mind the other flaws mentioned above, really the kind of guy a team would want in a foxhole during a pennant race? I’m certainly not a baseball player, but I sure as hell wouldn’t think so.

All is not great in Yankee land. The team is on the verge of dropping three-of-four to being swept entirely by the Orioles, A-Rod opt out talk is continuing to buzz, the bullpen is surrendering wins like they’re frog-blooded Frenchmen, and meanwhile in Detroit, Gary Sheffield is slowly earning the nickname “the 12th Street Riot.” However, there is still a lot of time left in the season, and former New York teams have done pretty amazing things in the 2nd halves of some baseball years. If the team acquires Shea Hillenbrand, however, then the fall of freaking Rome will pale in comparison to the circus of suck that will plague baseball's most expensive debacle until the end of their first season without the playoffs since 1994.

While we're at it, let's bring back Showalter.

Hat-Tip: The essential MLB Trade Rumors.
Snoozing Torre courtesy of nomaas.org.

Scott Boras Smokes Crack

Scott Boras, baseball super-agent for Alex Rodriguez, Barry Zito, and the soon to be free agent Carlos Zambrano, has a new idea that could have only come from the mind of someone using powerful and deadly mind expanding drugs. Some might say it’s strange for someone so rich and influential to be under the influence of such substances, but ever since Ed Muskie got all whacked out on Ibogaine in 1972, anything is possible in America if there is enough corruption involved. New York scribe Bob Klapisch describes the idea in depth: Expand the World Series to nine games, with two of the 1st nine games in presumably neutral grounds and warm-weather cities to enhance the stature of the game. This will give high-profile business types yet another glory-hole to suck-off their high level clientele.

First off, this plan is complete and total lunacy. Baseball is supposedly already planning on extending the playoff format to seven-game series in the division and championship series. Throw in an extra two games in a warm weather city will push World Series games deeper into November, which will make fantastic television when the Red Sox, Yankees, Cubs, (and if God is kind) the White Sox and O’s will be playing in the snow. Second thing, unless the games are played in outer-space, can there really be a neutral ground in baseball? A site like Florida has the Marlins and future powerhouse D-Rays, Texas has the Rangers, and even though no one in California takes baseball seriously, it’s still got three five teams in state. If the Braves play the Tigers in Miami, who is going to have more fans in attendance—the team that plays a few hundred miles away, or a team that plays in the city that’s the US equivalent of Port-au-Prince?

Believed to be your average Haitian.
And do you know what’s worse outside of this general insanity? It’s that the doddering old nincompoop Bud Selig is actually taking the time to humor him. In case everyone didn’t already know, the labor-vs.-management struggle that in many ways has been the history of professional baseball, makes the mass genocide between the Hutus and the Tutsis look like a skirmish between the Hatfields and the McCoys by comparison. This is the guy who has been drastically driving up the price of free agents for years, now has the ear of the principal negotiator for ownership? Bart Giamatti would be rolling in his grave.

Maybe Boras has his motives. Maybe he thinks that by expanding the stature of the Series it’ll make baseball more popular, his players higher in demand, and ere go, himself more rich. Maybe by playing a game always in Florida, teams can just transport a 600 pound (and by that time, client) Miguel Cabrera via semi-truck instead of a much more dangerous private jet. That’s an Aalyiah tragedy waiting to happen. But more realistically, Boras is smoking crack. Tina Turner said that crack was for poor people, but is there really any other explanation, here? Crack makes the mind feel crazy things—paranoia, mania, and fanatically greedy. All these were in play when he came up with this blasphemous idea. Lay off the crack Scotty, and our game will be just fine.

"Remember kids, don't smoke crack."

UPDATE: There are five California baseball teams: LA, San Fran, Anahiem, San Diego, and Oakland/Freemont. Thanks to Ben, Rob I., and the people who e-mailed.

White Sox Fans-- Your Season is Over

After getting swept by the hapless Cubs, reports are beginning to surface that a fire sale is now being planned for the Chicago White Sox that’ll make the Reds yearly reach-around look like the Mulder-Haren trade, as yet another season ends in ignominious failure. While some bastions of support still exist (generally within the prison population of Illinois) it’s understood that when your club is only a game and a half up on the Kansas City Royals, it’s time to give up the ship. This is a welcome development for most baseball fans, because despite winning a World Series in 2005, the Southsiders haven’t exactly become America’s team.

Outside of Internet phenom Jim Thome and the ever entertaining Ozzie Guillen, there isn’t a lot to like with this brand of White Sox. Ever since Jose Contreras was reunited with his family and was placed in a lower-pressure environment, the guy lost a lot of his good story and drawing power. Any team that values Scott Podsednik can’t be taken seriously, and the media blow-ups the team’s General Manager has with past players leave a bad taste in viewers’ mouths, since the world will remember Frank Thomas long after Kenny Williams is dead. Injuries abound with the 2007 club, and while almost none of it could have been planned or corrected, these kinds of things don’t happen to the Dallas Cowboys of the world. Unless of course you’re Michael Irvin.

This one goes out to Lt. Winslow.
The fact is, outside of a banner World Series victory in recent memory, the White Sox are probably one of the most wretched franchises that’s ever graced the national pastime. Before an 88 year championship drought was extinguished, they were even more pathetic than the Red Sox, but with far worse press coverage. Really, outside of providing misery for their own followers and fodder for the fans of other teams, the most notable thing about the CHW’s were those uniforms with the shorts, which were also some of the historically bad variety. Just like Rutgers football really has no place in the pantheon of great college teams, the White Sox don’t probably belong in the list of great teams and perennial contenders along with the Yankees, Red Sox, Cardinals, A’s, and Dodgers. Ere go, this team was doomed from the start—it was written in the stars.

Now, does this mean things can’t get better? In a macro sense, yes. But good trades of essentially the entire team could put the White Sox in prime position to repeat some semblance of their 2005 success, provided the Twins, Indians, Tigers, and Royals, all get progressively worse as the years go by, and that has a pretty good chance of happening, right?

…………NOT!!

It’s time to revel in glorious schadenfreude, and outside of watching (VaJay)Jay Mariotti poking White Sox fans with a stick through his gilded cage, the greatest thing about the early demise of the White Sox are the wailings of the insidious Ken “the Hawk” Harrelson. If you are a person who believes in “goodness” and “truth” then Harrelson is almost certainly the Joesph Goebbels of a Major League Baseball organization. Not only during his announcing is he out-and-out rooting for the Southsiders, he tells outright lies to keep the fans entertained. Seeing Iraqi Information Minister Harrelson do the play-by-play for one of the league’s worst teams will bring delight to the millions of viewers who can actually see WGN.

Congratulations to the 2007 Chicago White Sox. For about the first month of the season, you guys hung in there pretty well. Unforunately, this would not be the case throughout the rest of the baseball year. The new rallying cry of your team will now be “Let’s not be worse than the Royals.” It’s an accomplishable goal, I think. Probably more so than winning another World Series this century, anyway.

“He Gone.” And by this I mean “traded.”

Your Favorite Yankee Prospect is Worthless

For those don’t already know, I am a big-time Yankee fan. Huge, even. It’s why when I see my fellow fans saying or doing things that mind-bendingly stupid, I cringe and woefully acknowledge that, yes, perhaps a large portion of Yankee fans really are the delusional imbeciles that everyone claims them to be. Therefore, when I see a idea or statement that is so righteous in its woeful stupidity, I take this task of bitch slapping all the offenders back to Africa with a distinct pleasure, similar to the way a pimp does when he slaps around his ho’. I realize that this might hurt a tad, but fear not, you’ll all be better people after this thrashing.

The number of offenses are legion, but the most glaring one is the obsession with a little-known relief specialist named Colter Bean. Bean, an Auburn Tiger and Yankees draftee, has spent almost his entire career in service to the Yankees minor league system. Poor measurables such as a having no fastball, no movement on said fastball, no secondary pitches worth mentioning, and no knowledge of how to pitch, had the organization down on him, for very good reasons. After getting annihilated while pitching in brief stints in the majors, Bean was sent back down to AAA, probably to serve out the rest of his wholly undistinguished career.

In pro-wrestling, Bean would be called a "jobber." Jobbers were paid not to be the star attraction, but generally to put work in, lose, and make everyone around them look better. The pitcher's numbers against poor competition are good, true, but to a team competing for a World Championship, Bean is a worthless commodity and should probably have been released years ago. In fact, I say that he's less than worthless, because his very presence takes a spot away from a player who might actually help the major league club somewhere along the line.

However, delusional Yankee fans still flock to this guy, and treat him like he actually might be one of the answers to Yankees myriad of bullpen woes. He's not. "Free Colter Bean!" they cry. A website was made in his honor, which answers the age-old question “Is there really anyone out there dumb enough to fall for a pyramid scheme?”


A Bean defender might say “You realize you are deeming him worthless after only seven innings in the majors, right?” No.

He's worthless because he throws 85 miles an hour.
He's worthless because he's got a career ERA of 9.00 and a WHIP that's nearly 2.500.
He's worthless because Joe Torre abuses his relievers like they are insolent wives, and even HE won't use him.
He's worthless because people who know more in their little finger than you, I, or anyone including the so-called Internet experts know about the game of base-ball say he's worthless.

He's worthless because he was put up for grabs to any major league team when he was put on waivers, and everyone passed on him. The Texas Rangers, who are scouting little-league parent-pitch baseball games for anything remotely resembling a live arm, passed on Colter Bean. Just as a special exercise, they even opened up the waiver process to Japan-- no takers. The Dominican Summer League? No takers. Remember that story about the new Israeli baseball team? That team they're building in Israel? Bean's surname was shortened from "Beanowitz" when his parents came over from Ellis Island. He's eligible to play. The Yankees offered him up on waivers… even THEY passed on him.

Did you know that they played baseball the Planet Vulcan? It's not exactly fun, because everyone can read each other's mind, so the hitter knows what's coming. Games end up being like 100-97. However, they lack the strength human beings possess to throw a baseball faster than 70 mph. Even the Vulcans passed on Colter Bean.

Google Image Search for "Vulcan Baseball."

The only thing Bean needs to be free from are his delusions that he's a major league player. Perhaps he's just trying to collect a paycheck, and his supporters are the ones that are delusional. Lucky for all of you, Mr. Slick, in all of his infinite wisdom, is relieving you all from such vision. I am hereby ending the career (if you can call it that) of Colter Bean. Yankee fans-- he is not a savior. Fans of other AL teams-- he will not come up again, so quit waiting around like little kids on Christmas morning.

Colter, if you're reading this, in that demented attempt at the intellectual pornography called Google-scanning, you are hereby anointed by the High Priest of the Church of Matsuzaka, to quit the Yankees, and go teach gym. Outside of perverse schadenfreude-ian comedic value, enjoyed only by people whose grip on sanity is tenuous at best, you will not be missed. Hallelujah, and Amen.

UPDATE: The owner of FreeColterBean.com has expressed his thoughts on Bean in the comment section. Suppress your laughter accordingly.

Andruw Jones Ruined Your Fantasy Team

No U can not has cheezburger.
With once again having a game where he’s struggled with his hitting, perennial Silver Slugger and 40-homer man Andruw Jones has officially fallen below the Mendoza Line, and committed against fantasy owners what can only be called, accurately and conservatively, a holocaust. According to ESPN.com fantasy services, Jones is owned in 100% of all leagues, meaning that not only does every fantasy baseball owner everywhere have Jones on their team, they are also being screwed by him. As is with every year, Jones’ maddening potential is too good for a sell-low trade, or an outright drop, so fantasy teams with fewer options for power production must continue playing Jones, and basically carry out the fantasy version of a death march to Bataan.

If you’re even a modest follower of statistical analysis, you know the book on Jones: Eschew the low batting average and strikeouts, you’ll earn points through walks, home runs, and RBI’s. Throw in the fact that Jones is in a contract year, and you have a potential 1st round pick that might hit 50 homers and drive in 125 runs or more. However, even the stat monkeys have begun to rattle their cages and throw their feces at this abomination of a season:

OBP: .299
OPS: .680
WKRP: -1.0 x 10^15

"Especially when you write that strikeouts are a bad thing!"
If this were any other player in any other organization (save for maybe Seattle and Jeff Weaver) you would drop him from your lineup, and possibly investigate having him killed, depending on the laws of your state and/or country. However, this is no ordinary payer—this is Andruw Jones. Jones has “potential.”

Potential is the silver-haired siren who gurus and players chase when building a championship team. She nestles up to your side and caresses your face, whispering insights and wisdom in your listening ear: “Do you want to be known as ‘Sell-Low Slick’?” she coos. “You know he’ll hit those 40 homers sooner or later. Drop or trade him now, and he’ll start to hit for another team.” And you know what? She’s right! So you hesitate, you try to stick it out a little longer. Meanwhile Brad Hennessy, Yovanni Gallardo, and Brad Hawpe stand unclaimed on the waiver wire and mock.

If he's there, get him now.
Not to go all Bill Simmons here, but sometimes the worst thing you can have in any kind of relationship is a little bit of potential. Potential is the inspiration that lets the Yankees give Jaret Wright a three year deal. Potential is the motivation that convinced you that Peavy would finish with a winning record last year. Potential is the idea that makes you hang on to the loser girlfriend when you think she can be something. Newsflash people-- Wright sucks, Peavy was nowhere near a #1 starter last year, and the girlfriend is a screw-up. Also, seriously, no one thought she was hot.

Yoda once said that hope is the source of humanities greatest strength as well as our greatest weakness. Or it could have been one of the guys in the Matrix. Regardless, this belief in a false potential is screws all people who buying into it for too long. This includes any and all people unfortunate enough to have Andruw Jones, who has probably ruined your fantasy team. In more positive development, Jones got his 1st hit in about 25 at bats last night; does this mean he’s turning the corner? Would it change our options even if it did? It’s real doubtful. Really though, it’s just one more sign that’ll keep us all here stuck hearing the same old song, and listening to all those damn whispers in our ears..

Leo Mazzone Didn’t Help Much, Did He?

Executive Vice President Mike Flanagan terminated Orioles manager Sam Perlozzo on Monday, thus effectively ending a baseball career that has notable only by being hilariously entrenched in ignominious failure. Perlozzo, it seems, brought only two things to the table as O’s manager: Being almost entirely bereft of tactical baseball know-how, and having pitching scion Leo Mazzone be his best friend. In fact, some people with no familiarity with the situation whatsoever claim that Perlozzo was hired solely to recruit the venerable pitching coach that was thought to be the architect of the Atlanta Braves fourteen year NL East dynasty, and was perceived at one time to be the finest assistant coach in all of professional baseball.

Some of you might forget, but there was an out-and-out scrum for Mazzone’s services when he chose not to renew his contract with the Braves. Stat-geeks (and I use it as a term of endearment) wrote formulas on how the coach would help any staff he went to. Sports pundits across the nation offered their opinion on why their hometown nine should splurge on Mazzone. Brian Cashman offered to fellate him, and Theo Epstien actually did. Regardless, Mazzone, in the ultimate “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment, ended up taking the O’s job, and proceeded to accomplish nearly nothing of note, making him equal to almost every pitching coach in the major leagues.

If you were John Smoltz this would be a lot easier.

Take a look at the 2006 Orioles pitching performance. This thing is basically the statistical baseball equivalent of a triage unit in a war zone, or every other day in Detroit. From the "sundry guys" listed, I counted one ERA under five, and that’s not counting the rounded-up Kurt Birkins. The 2007 squad looks only marginally better, with general regressions from former pitching prodigies Chris Ray, Daniel Cabrera, Danys Baez. We'll have to wait until the end of the season to know for sure, but the only player who has markedly improved is staff ace Erik Bedard, who is the 2nd coming of Mike Mussina in terms of both performance and future payday with the Yankees.

Look on the bright side... they could have got Manny.

Now, it is possible that things were so bad in “Balmer” that Mazzone’s presence was the only thing from letting the entire situation turn into total chaos. But that’s the kind of flawed thinking that got generally reasonable people thanking their lucky stars for LeBron James after the NBA finals had the worst TV ratings in their history. Are we supposed to be so naïve to believe that after years of taking the pitching dregs of the world and turning them into effective starters and relievers, Leo-Maz lost the magic touch? Hardly. The fact is, Mazzone had the good fortune of having three 1st ballot Hall of Fame pitchers play for the Braves, and their presence just so happened to coincide directly with his own tenure as pitching coach starting in 1991. The shrewd acquisitions Jon Schuerholz made, and the wise bullpen usage from Bobby Cox resulted in pitchers having an Atlanta resurgence, not some helpful tidbits from a rocking so-called sage. Giving pitching coaches in general that kind of pull is the kind of madness that lets guys like Rick Peterson make outrageous statements like “I can fix Victor Zambrano in an hour.”

If this picture doesn’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul.

Since the only reason the vaunted coach ever came to the O’s at all was because of Perlozzo, Mazzone will probably ask to be released at the end of this year, as this current incarnation of the Orioles is almost undoubtedly his Vietnam. Then the next Brett Favre/Roger Clemens-style attention fest will begin anew, maybe with your own hometown scribe giving the coach a mulligan. It is the O's after all. Just be sure to remember that just because a team has a great rotation, it doesn't mean there was a great pitching coach behind it. As for Leo-- next time watch who your friends are, buddy. You used to have a good reputation.

Adam Dunn Was A Bad Choice

Newsflash, America, the Reds are once again an awful, awful baseball team. When your club is so bad they can’t even compete in the drudgery that is the NL Central, then not only is it time to abandon ship, it’s time to start selling assets like you’re Ken Lay at a pre-crash Enron. Therefore, we all once again eagerly await one of the time-honored and favorite parts of the baseball season-- figuring out which silver-tongued GM is going to screw the Reds for the best players during this year?*

You see, despite the team being so wretched, there are still solid pieces playing for Cincinnati. However, one of them is not Adam Dunn. For some reason, people tend to think positively of an ox that hits almost exclusively in the most prolific hitters park west of Fenway. Because of this, ludicrous questions still persist in my area of the world such as: “Is Dunn is the answer to the New York Yankees continual 1st base needs?” The answer? NO!!


The local Fox affiliate here in New York has a thing they do nightly that says “It’s 10 PM, do you know where your children are?” Adam Dunn is similar, except “it’s 9:00 PM, do you know that Adam Dunn just struck out again?”

Have you ever seen a mentally challenged person eat something they're not supposed to? Like a wooden dowel or some paste? No one wants to say anything to correct them, because that would be impolite, and we are a compassionate society that frowns on gestures such as that. So instead all the people just stand there and stare, mouths agape, wondering what exactly caused God to favor some and not others. The MCP (not to be confused with OPP, the OCP, or WCC**) sees this attention, and instead of wondering "why the heck are these people staring at me," his face morphs into an ecstatic grin and starts clapping his hands with delight. According him or her, attention is good, no matter where it comes from. It's a similar feeling that comes from defecating oneself, or blogging, which in some quarters is precisely the same thing.


This is what Adam Dunn looks like when he's trying to field a ground ball hit to the 1st baseman. The ball bounces, Dunn does his little jerry-clap, the ball bounces off his chest, and in an ultimately futile effort to make a routine play for nearly all 60 starting 1B's in the MLB and AAA, he kicks the ball off into the 1st base dugout. Before you know it, Dontrelle Willis is cruising his way onto 3rd base, flashing gang signs, and calling himself Daisuke Mastublacka. Jason Giambi looks like Keith freaking Hernandez compared to Adam Dunn.

Did I forget to mention that Dunn is hitting a better-than-career-average .250 right now, and that his career OPS is only marginally better than the league average at his position? New York, or any team for that matter, would have to overpay drastically for a guy who is really not all that good.

So, a Dunn fan might say, why not put him at DH? Because New York already has six, the majority of them are injured, and the team doesn't need any more. Besides, I know we've all moved on from the concept of using batting average as the metric for player evaluation. But don’t you want someone who generally hits northward of the Mendoza line? Next thing you know, you'll be advocating for Andruw Jones, and that guy has the Mendoza line installed in his house.

Seriously, this is Andruw. Look at his numbers.

Dunn reminds me a little bit of that fictional player that appeared in the commercials for MLB '06 "The Show." Remember that ad campaign? Remember those commercials? He was a black dude was playing in Osaka, Japan. Here's essentially a direct quote from memory:

"People in Osaka don't care about hits, RBI's. They care about the long ball. I'm not a ball player, I'm an entertainer!!" The guy had an absurd stat line of like .196 AVG 32 HR 39 RBI. That's basically what we'll get with Adam Dunn. I'll ask any and all baseball teams to stay as far as bloody possible away from him, and that does double for the Yankees. If NY traded for Dunn, they would be the ones who are mentally challenged.

*My money’s on Ned Colletti. He’s like Jim Bowden, only dumber, and Bowden pulled off the mother of all hose jobs last year. You can’t even rip guys off like that in fantasy baseball.
**Also known as "Harvard on the Hudson.”

UPDATE: Here' the commercial I was refering to. The video isn't working for me for some reason-- you tell me if I got his statline right.

Fear Delmon

Reading the essential AOL MLB Fanhouse, I came across this little tidbit on the Rays and their lack of hype.

So where's the respect [for the Rays]? Where are the "Fear Delmon" T-shirts and Carl Crawford Nike ads?

Why, indeed? The very least Delmon Young can get is a t-shirt. If anything symbolizes the “Booyah” generation, it’s athletes with freakish athletic talent coupled with penchants for criminality, destruction, and a flagrant disregard for authority. If Michael Vick is given million dollar contracts for dog fighting, and Sebastian Telfair is given shoe contracts for gunplay, then Delmon Young is absolutely a role model for the new generation of criminal athlete.

Delmon signed out of a California high school for six million dollars, immediately making him the highest paid Devil Ray since Jose Canseco. At age 18 he started out in single-A ball, where he racked up minor league all-star selections and player of the year awards. After a banner year in 2005 for both on and off the field activities, Delmon finally made it to the show for good at the end of 2006. Although he’s put up respectable numbers in the majors, his projections are far more impressive for the destruction outside the realm of traditional baseball.

Delmon has made it a practice to physically assault umpires, which according to notables such as William Ligue Jr., is every fan’s dream come true. In the minor leagues in 2005, Young gave an umpire a chest bump that Lou Pinella would be inspired by, earning him a paltry suspension of three games. A year later, Young would become the standard bearer for nihilistic rebellion when he intentionally hurled a bat at an umpire for handing out one of the worst third strike calls ever seen in AA baseball.

C'mon, that pitch was outside
A 50 game suspension resulted, but it did not slow Delmon’s progress in “Booyah”. When asked by a reporter how he felt about being held back in the minors, Delmon said that the organization was “cheap,” and that “when it comes to free agency, [there’s] no use trying to stay around there for the long haul.” Rational observers might think that because of the bat incident and attitude, the Rays felt Delmon lacked the emotional maturity that’s required for the major leagues. Madness! A similarly talented Ken Griffey Jr. was in the majors at that age, but he did have to suffer through occasional spankings by his father in front of Jim Lefebvre and Harold Reynolds.

And speaking of family pedigree, according to police forces in the district, Delmon is also a known accomplice (or sibling) of Washington D.C. arch criminal and drug lord Dmirti Young, whose sole presence has single handedly caused crime statistics to skyrocket, with long term residents wishing for the halcyon days of the crack epidemic and Marion Barry. Experts now say Southeast DC is a war zone markedly worse than Detroit on Devil’s Night, or a post-liberation Fallujah. If Dmitri is Avon Barksdale, then Delmon is Stringer Bell.



Tampa Bay is no place for Delmon Young. Rumor has it Tropicana Field was created to house homeless people in case of a Katrina-like disaster, with the intention of performing sociological experiments when the residents eventually dissolved into cannibalism and madness. This vibe is palpable throughout the arena, and does not make for a pleasurable viewing or playing experience. Young will not stay. In that well placed tirade against the team mentioned previously, he said that his goal was to “Get your six years and leave.” Can you imagine the publicity he'll get when he's a Yankee? By that time Joe Torre will be dead, replaced by an animatronic robot who cares little for things like "character" and "hustle."

Is there any player in sports who we should fear more than Delmon Young? Of course not. Marcus Vick and his twin gats doesn’t have the army that Delmon has behind him in southeast. After getting fired by the Celtics, Bassy won’t have the money. Until LeBron James starts doing drive-bys out of the Hummer that his momma bought him, Delmon will be the athlete that symbolizes the "Booyah" generation. And that, my friends, is outstanding.

Cult of Matsuzaka (FotZ): Heresy in Boston!!

Julio Lugo... I’m not angry at you. I’m just not angry at you. There is no punch line here, this is not a joke, I’m not going to go and say that I’m FURIOUS... AT YOU... because I’m not, I’m not, I’m just not. Because I... I understand the position that you have been put in to, by your acquisition to the Boston Red Sox, the chosen team of our savior, Daisuke Matsuzaka (pbuh)*. I’m sure you realize on some celestial level conveyed to you, by Matsuzaka, that He is a pan-dimensional cosmic entity and the fact that you would even set foot on the same filed as Him, even for an inning, will fill the rest of your days with the bliss and peace that cannot even nearly be described in any language invented by humanity. This knowledge, combined with this righteous force of the most wonderful and raw comic energy swirling around you like a glorious typhoon, I’m sure it is a bit daunting, and I grant you that, and I understand.

But even then, Julio, you cannot ALLOW two

GODDAMN ERRORS in the same

GODDAMN

INNING!!!**


Threre is a strategy here, ok? There is a freakin'. strategy. right. here. Your job is not to simply beat the competition, ok? It is your job, and Matsuzaka’s, to grind their freakin' bones into toothpaste. Toothpaste with little red ribbons in it, just like AquaFresh. Do you know why the ribbons in this toothpaste are red, Julio? Because they’re filled with bone marrow, and DNA, and I don’t know what else, I’m a theologian, not a medical doctor, but that’s what you gotta do. The toothpaste, it might taste like Tom’s of Maine, all chalky, but you’re not there to make a good tasting toothpaste out of bone, because that would be impossible.


Matsuzaka’s plan is to intentionally load those bases. Intentionally walk those hitters, and load those bases, ok? And then when He gets those hitters out, they realize they simply have no chance against Him. Once the mind game is won, the physical game is easy, and the spiritual game can commence. Those errors of your not only screwed your team, they fucked Matsuzaka, and they might have screwed over the immortal souls of those players and the millions watching around the world.

Now, Julio, you recovered for yourself quite nicely. You had a ground-rule double right after your errors, you played well in the field, you accounted for yourself and your team quite nicely, and you deserve all the credit in the world for that. Perhaps Matsuzaka was testing you, as He tests me, to see if you could recover from this. You did, congratulations, la-dee-freaking-da. Do you know that there are those of us who flagellate ourselves daily out of gratitude just so we can watch Matsuzaka? That we put off our wives, our lives, our children, to hang on every glorious pitch He throws, because that is what will teach us about salvation? He forgives you, so do I, just be better next time, or we will not be so forgiving.

Is this not the face of intimidation?
BTW, everyone, don’t listen to DICKHEAD YANKEE FANS who think that giving up 7 ER somehow prevents the Messiah from being worth 100m dollars before He ever threw a pitch in the major leagues, because they’re freaking jealous liars! My inbox is filling up with this same thing, over and over again, people denegrating the Fellowship of the ZAK, insulting our Emmanuel, and I don’t want to hear it! Here's one:

Slick,

How does it feel to see Matsuzaka give up 7 ER to the fucking Mariners, pussy boy? Enjoy the next five days, you cultist whacko.

Love always,


Jesus

PS—Go Yanks!

grraaaaahhhhhh!!!fsddddddjhvc!!


*I don’t need to keep on typing this, you get the picture.
**The apostate official scorer, probably some college-level nimrod who wanted to get a job with the "Sawx" changed the 2nd error to a hit after the game. Obvious, total, crap. Check the play-by-play.

The Five Fabulous Weeks of the Marty Miller Program*

Marty Miller, Director of Performance Enhancement for the New York Yankees, has been summarily relieved of his duties following the most number of injures on his watch to a platoon of men ever not directly involved in lethal and armed combat. The Yankees first hired Miller out of BallenIsles Country Club in Palm Beach, Florida, which is appropriate, considering the team is made up of a bunch of geriatrics. But having a “czar” of performance enhancement was a ridiculous notion before it was even conceived, making it one of baseball’s few (but glaring) pre-emptive failures.** And why is it thus? Let us count the ways!

First off, you can’t possibly trust anyone who goes by their nickname on their business card. It shows an outrageous lack of civility, and stretches the boundaries of good taste. He went by “Marty?” Are you going to put that on the top of your letterhead? What the heck is that? Before you know it, good and decent professionals will be calling themselves “Will” instead of “William” in a business setting. Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria.

Never drive angry.
Second thing-- Director of “Performance Enhancement?” Do you see those quotes? I think Jason Giambi’s performance has been enhanced quite enough over the years, don’t you? I mean, his comeback from 2003 was basically the stuff of miracles, and proof to everyone either the benefits of a clean lifestyle or better living through chemicals. Not to mention getting the Sheff out of the kitchen don’t make it less hot, baby.

Might be the greatest picture in the history of the Internet, right here.
And speaking of stretching, apparently Miller wasn’t interested in it. Now, I’m not expert in the philosophies involved in allowing world-class athletes to reach their potential, but hasn’t stretching been in basically every single self-fitness guide since the times of Teddy Atlas? Are we trying to go beyond the paradigm here? Is stretching too “new wave” for you, Marty?

Let’s Survey the Damage:

Johnny Damon—Hamstring problems that persist to this day.
Mike Mussina—Injured for a month.
Chien-Ming Wang—Injured for slightly less than a month.
Hideki Matsui—Injured, and just recently returned.
Jeff Karstens—Injured hamstring, out to start the season.
Phil Hughes—Injured for 8-10 weeks, might be back in time for the All-Star game.

According to some sources, Brian Cashman had a “sleepless night” when trying to decide whether or not Miller should be fired, which makes the independent observer wonder which inmates exactly are running the asylum that is the Bronx Zoo circa 2007. That list seen above? That’s not a disabled list, that’s a hit list. You couldn’t send a sleeper cell into an enemy locker room and cause that much destruction.

“Marty” has been the worst trainer for a baseball franchise since the Greg Anderson fiasco, and that guy is in jail. It appears to me that Miller got off easy. Don't forget to tell the folks back in BallenIsles to stretch, Marty, and don't pretend that you and "Jetes" are friends-- he probably hates you.

This will be your house of pain.

*C'mon. You guys gotta know know where this is from.
**Others being the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, The All-Star game counting, and actually recognizing David Ortiz as a 1B all come to mind.

Jimmy Dolan Interested in Buying the Yankees

(Gasp)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Oh my GOD don’t let this be true. Please Lord God in heaven almighty Matsuzaka don’t let this be true.


We’re talking about Jim Dolan here. Jimmy freakin' Dolan. Jimmy Mr. “I’ll-never-live-up-to-my-father’s-media-baron-reputation-so-I-decided-to-ruin-the-Knicks” Dolan. What’s next? Putting Jim Bowden in charge of the team? Signing five swing-first shortstops and playing them all over the field? Paying a king’s ransom to bring in Tony LaRussa, and then firing him after a disastrous first season? There is no other baseball-basketball equivalent. The Steinbrenners took a broken Yankees franchise, and made it into the international brand-entity for excellence in sport. For all their faults, George and Co. made quantum leaps in the fields of satellite broadcasting and pacific-rim scouting, and were the prime examples for the rest of baseball to follow.


Dolan is the guy who turned Madison Square Garden from the Mecca of basketball and the most famous arena in the world into a laughing stock. This is the guy who took one of the great franchises in NBA history and turned it into an abominable alter to the festering sore that is the 2007 NBA. Eddie Curry has a heart condition damnit! And you gave away this year’s lottery pick to get him?? Jesus!! I can’t even grasp the immeasurable stupidity of even considering selling the team to this SOB. It’s like giving your sainted grandfather’s life’s work to crack-addicted cousin, and then knowing he would snort it all away. Or smoke it all away. Or shoot it all away, I don’t give a crap, I don’t smoke crack.

This is apparently a crack pipe. I seriously wouldn't know.

I am saying it right here and right now, if the Yankees sell their team to Jimmy Dolan and his band of cronies, the fall of freaking Rome will pale in comparison to the twisted spectacle of failure that will inevitably result. Why don’t you just give the city to the Mets? I’ll be great, we’ll have white 13 year olds from the upper west side shout “Viva Los Mets!” while their yuppie parents stand agape in abject horror. How about we just dig up monument park, and replace the shrines with giant stone dildos? We can have little numbers for them too, right on the helmet. It’ll be a fitting testament to how the New York fan has been anally-violated by these godforsaken kleptocrats.

Just for kicks, let’s throw out some owners that would absolutely be better than Jimmy Dolan.

Idi Amin


Kim Jong-Il


Pol Pot


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


The long days of Yankee greatness past will have reached their apogee. If Dolan gets a handle on the Yankees, the team’s future will immediately collapse at terminal velocity. I’ll give it five games. George and company, if you have any respect, or decency, or appreciation for the fans of the New York Yankees who have supported your crap for YEARS, please for the love of all that is right in the world, DO NOT sell the Yankees to little Jimmy Dolan. I won’t sleep until this story is killed.

UPDATE: According to the MLB Fanhouse, the story is dead. Hallelujah.

Danny Almonte, New York Baseball Legend

This was supposed to be a post about the outrage of the New York City government banning metal baseball bats throughout the greater New York Metropolitan area. Assuming MLB doesn’t start paying for wooden bats for young/poor people to use (they won’t) baseball has all but conceded the NY-metro area to basketball and lacrosse. I’ve said my piece on this. New York will probably never produce great players such as Manny Ramirez, Sandy Koufax, or Danny Almonte ever again.

Also, you might think Danny Almonte doesn’t belong in that list of New York baseball legends, but you would be wrong. Fantastically, horrifically, wrong. So what if he did most all his damage against kids half his own age*? That’s not like it stops Orlando Hernandez, and that guy’s at least 60.


For those of you too young, too divested, or too A.D.D. to remember, Danny Almonte was the ace left-hander for the Rolando Paulino All-Stars. Outside of having the most egomaniacal team name in the history of organized sports, and no one on the team being able to speak English, this plucky band played on the outskits of Yankee Stadium which, natually, endeared them to the entire country. When the tournament came around, Almonte was already a phenom, having embarassed opposing teams in regional tournaments across the northeast. Armed with a 75 mph fastball (or roughly half the speed of sound** on a little league mound), a Randy Johnson-esque slider, and the intimidation factor of a man-child who has started masturbating more frequently and not solely experimentation purposes, Almonte annihilated the competition.

The secret to his slider? Hairy palms.
He finished with a freakish stat line of 3 GS, 27IP, 46K, 3 H, 1 R, 0 ER. If that isn't the stuff of legends, then you show me what is. So what if Almonte was at the very least two years older than his competition? And speaking of NYC public school districts, who cares if Almonte didn’t even go to school? It's not like he would have learned anything anyway. I don’t care who you are, if you strike out more guys than Carl Pavano has pitched to in the past two years, you are officially gangsta. If Corey Lidle was still alive, could he put up a stat line like that? I don’t think so.

Regardless of anything remotely sane, by now we should know that age limits don’t mean a thing when it comes to baseball. Albert Pujols has the hairline of a 35 year old. We already mentioned El Duque. Julio Franco helped build the ark. Jessie Orosco is in the majors somewhere, isn’t he? In the Dominican Republic and Cuba, players routinely lie about being younger to seem like better prospects. The only mistake Almonte made was that he lied in the wrong direction. It didn't stop him from marrying a 30 year old, that's for sure. If anything, all of this should only increase his legend status.

Nowadays, Danny Almonte is pitching in for the Frontier League Miners, his legend status witheld from him by a stupid tradition that holds things like "cheating" and "fraud" in disregard. This is wrong! Madness, even. For a stretch of time, Almonte was one of the best young pitchers on the planet. He deserves to be in the pantheon of great ballplayers coming out of the New York area. Let's just hope in light of the new ban that he's not the last.



*Take a look at the old school ESPN site!

You’ve come a long way, baby! Now with obnoxious video.

**Come on, we all need a little lameness in our lives.

Matsuzaka Nukes New York

This just in— Matsuzaka nukes... New York!!!

Ok, technically, the game was played in Boston, so the concept of Matsuzaka actually nuking a location a la Kansas City is entirely existential. Regardless, disciples in the fellowship of the ZAK, it is with great honor and joy that I report to you that our savior, the anointed Daisuke Matsuzaka (pbuh), has thoroughly humiliated and destroyed with extreme prejudice the disgusting New York Yankees. Don’t let partisan Yankee fans tell you that Matsuzaka allowed six runs off New York’s B-team, because it is COMPELTELY UNTRUE, and Yankee fans are ********!!1!


They’re just jealous because Matsuzaka chose the Red Sox. You say Theo Epstien spent the money on Matsuzaka? That only proves your woeful ignorance. Who do you think gave him the inspiration of the divine cosmos you slack-jawed mutants?! Matsuzaka, that’s who. Anyone who willingly signed Byung-Hyun Kim to a long-term contract obviously can’t be trusted as the trumpeter of our new messiah.

Did Theo, like, see the 2001 World Series. Like, at all?

The six runs are irrelevant. They were actually blessings from Matsuzaka to the Yankee players. The home run he “allowed” to Jeter?* It was a holy boon, bequeathed to a player who is obviously struggling personally under the recent success of former BFF&E&E, Alex Rodriguez. Of course, Rodriguez’s hot streak was in and of itself a blessing from Matsuzaka, so that He can look even more impressive in His annihilation of Rodriguez. Such a streak can only be accomplished with personal imbuement from the awesome cosmic and divine power our savior. The annihilation foretold in the book of ZAK? Two fucking strikeouts. And one hit by pitch, for impiety and impudence. The pitch did not vaporize A-Rod out of existence because Matsuzaka chose to take a little off. Matsuzaka forgives. That’s why He’s our Emmanuel.

Iddqd!!
Matsuzaka sucked the cosmic force right out of A-Rod’s bones, which is why he failed to succeed against Matsuzaka, and why he failed to win the game when the opportunity presented itself. Will A-Rod be given the power back? Will the faithful be rewarded? How about you don’t ask so many questions. How about you get on your KNEES in WORSHIP! I don’t see you worshipping!! Every single day Matsuzaka allows us to see Him pitch is masterful and glorious. I get up in the morning because of Him. I stay awake PREACHING the GOSPEL, because of Him. And all of you in your sinfulness, in your misdirected lives, spending your days idling, drinking beer, and eating potatoes--all you can say in forgiveness for this performance is “Wicked Pissah” and “Go Sawx”?? You’re all sheep.

One day, He will return to the Terrasect, the pan-dimensional planes of existence, and sit at the right hand of all that has been created in the universe. He has chosen us, dear followers, to revel is all that is His being, and feel the energy of righteous justice coursing through our life-force. If you don’t perceive that as a great and beautiful thing, then you don’t deserve Him. I mean, truly, none of us do, but especially not you. Iddqd!.


*Quotation marks are perhaps inappropriate in this instance. In the traditional pitching sense, allowing runs is a negative thing. However, Matsuzaka quite literally “allowed” this home run. He telegraphed the pitch via cosmic telepathy, and gave to Jeter the strength to send it over the wall. So this is not actually a bad thing.