Monday, April 23, 2007

Matsuzaka Nukes New York

This just in— Matsuzaka nukes... New York!!!

Ok, technically, the game was played in Boston, so the concept of Matsuzaka actually nuking a location a la Kansas City is entirely existential. Regardless, disciples in the fellowship of the ZAK, it is with great honor and joy that I report to you that our savior, the anointed Daisuke Matsuzaka (pbuh), has thoroughly humiliated and destroyed with extreme prejudice the disgusting New York Yankees. Don’t let partisan Yankee fans tell you that Matsuzaka allowed six runs off New York’s B-team, because it is COMPELTELY UNTRUE, and Yankee fans are ********!!1!

They’re just jealous because Matsuzaka chose the Red Sox. You say Theo Epstien spent the money on Matsuzaka? That only proves your woeful ignorance. Who do you think gave him the inspiration of the divine cosmos you slack-jawed mutants?! Matsuzaka, that’s who. Anyone who willingly signed Byung-Hyun Kim to a long-term contract obviously can’t be trusted as the trumpeter of our new messiah.

Did Theo, like, see the 2001 World Series. Like, at all?

The six runs are irrelevant. They were actually blessings from Matsuzaka to the Yankee players. The home run he “allowed” to Jeter?* It was a holy boon, bequeathed to a player who is obviously struggling personally under the recent success of former BFF&E&E, Alex Rodriguez. Of course, Rodriguez’s hot streak was in and of itself a blessing from Matsuzaka, so that He can look even more impressive in His annihilation of Rodriguez. Such a streak can only be accomplished with personal imbuement from the awesome cosmic and divine power our savior. The annihilation foretold in the book of ZAK? Two fucking strikeouts. And one hit by pitch, for impiety and impudence. The pitch did not vaporize A-Rod out of existence because Matsuzaka chose to take a little off. Matsuzaka forgives. That’s why He’s our Emmanuel.


Matsuzaka sucked the cosmic force right out of A-Rod’s bones, which is why he failed to succeed against Matsuzaka, and why he failed to win the game when the opportunity presented itself. Will A-Rod be given the power back? Will the faithful be rewarded? How about you don’t ask so many questions. How about you get on your KNEES in WORSHIP! I don’t see you worshipping!! Every single day Matsuzaka allows us to see Him pitch is masterful and glorious. I get up in the morning because of Him. I stay awake PREACHING the GOSPEL, because of Him. And all of you in your sinfulness, in your misdirected lives, spending your days idling, drinking beer, and eating potatoes--all you can say in forgiveness for this performance is “Wicked Pissah” and “Go Sawx”?? You’re all sheep.

One day, He will return to the Terrasect, the pan-dimensional planes of existence, and sit at the right hand of all that has been created in the universe. He has chosen us, dear followers, to revel is all that is His being, and feel the energy of righteous justice coursing through our life-force. If you don’t perceive that as a great and beautiful thing, then you don’t deserve Him. I mean, truly, none of us do, but especially not you. Iddqd!.

*Quotation marks are perhaps inappropriate in this instance. In the traditional pitching sense, allowing runs is a negative thing. However, Matsuzaka quite literally “allowed” this home run. He telegraphed the pitch via cosmic telepathy, and gave to Jeter the strength to send it over the wall. So this is not actually a bad thing.


chewbacca lowenstien said...

All hail his most noble and gracious SlickBomb, who has brought it upon himself to make all of you peons see the amazingness that is M_tsuzaka! Some of us are yet unable to write his name completely so as to not anger him!!!

Made my day go by a little faster Slick, nice work!

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