Thursday, April 5, 2007

What Hath God Wrought?

This just in— Matsuzaka nukes Kansas… City!!!

Now, you might be saying “hey, Zach Grenkie just K’ed 7 better hitters on a better team,” or “maybe there is something to hitters struggling against guys they haven’t seen before.” Complete, utter, nonsense. This is no time for SENSE, this is time for NON-SENSE! Hyperbole, even. Not only is Matsuzaka the best pitcher in the league, he’s the best pitcher in the galaxy. All you aliens playing baseball on Talos IV—you’re all completely screwed.


The biggest Japanese import since Nintendo, Pokemon, Yu-gi-oh, has started his tour of destruction, and it’s coming to a city near you. Godzilla, his weakness lies in the strength of other monsters (and sliding catches). Matsuzaka? He has no weakness.

Matsui? 0-16 w/ 15K’s vs. Matsuzaka*

Are you not LISTENING?!! Are you not REALIZING the GRAVITY of WHAT WE’RE SEEING HERE?!! You’re lucky this entire post isn’t in capslock. This is greatness we’re witnessing right now. Pure greatness. Chuck Norris sees Matsuzaka pitch, and bows down in devout worship. Roger Clemens will now decide to pitch for the Red Sox, because he feels he can learn a thing or two from Matsuzaka. If Walter Johnson was alive right now, he’d walk up to Matsuzaka and ask to massage him, if only for pederastical purposes.** The hitters of the MLB are basically doomed, teams across the AL and NL are conceding victory to the Red Sox, Skynet/Google have stopped their world takeover, and all because Matsuzaka will eventually defeat them no matter how many terminators they send after him. Everyone stop watching baseball—the Matsuzaka era is upon us, and he will never, ever lose.

As an offering to this new God (despite Easter being right around the corner, I did just use a big “G”) I propose we continuously play the opening theme from “Saint Seiya” in it’s entirety during each of Matsuzaka’s starts. While driving us all slowly insane, this can only please him, and that is good.

80’s rock? Japanese Cartoons? Madness? Welcome to OntheShow.

*No idea if this is true. But it must be!!
**Or he’d be clawing at his coffin saying HELP!!! Btw, I’m not sure “pederastical” is even a word. Therefore, I’m making it one.