Griffey Jr. out with a colon

Finding inspiration for writing can be hard. Your mind wonders, you hammer out sub-par columns, or you just plain-ol’ cruise the net. Sometimes, in those rare instances, you must act like Rousseau, and walk among the forests in the search for inspiration.*

This is not one of those times. Ken Griffey Jr. (as Al Micheals would say) is out with a colon.

Griffey confirmed that he was diagnosed about six months ago with diverticulitis, or inflammation of the colon.

There are just so many ways you can go with this! I don’t know about you, but when I’m confronted with a medical problem, I got to WebMD.com, just like any normal person. What do you think, I’m going to go to a “doctor”? A “shaman”? A “faith healer”? They all amount to modern quackery.** Besides, Tom Cruise told me that body thetans are making my soul hurt. Psychologists should be jailed. You’re just being glib.

Diverticulitis is a sometimes painful condition that develops when pouches diverticula that form in the wall of the colon, part of the large intestines become inflamed or infected.

Most of the time, diverticulitis can be treated with dietary changes and-if there is an infection-with antibiotics. About one-quarter of people with diverticulitis have complications, such as an abscess, fistula, or obstruction of the colon, that require surgery.

Wayyyy too easy. Way, way, way, too easy. Griffey, much like Mike Piazza, is one of few major league players one who is almost always questioned about his sexual orientation. Even though he’s married with kids, he just kind of looks gay. Like Kordell Stuart. Or Jeff Garcia. Or Mike Piazza. Now he has gay rumors and an inflammation of the colon? Let’s just say it’s probably going to start more flames than it’s going to put out. Is this “diverticulitis” contagious? Is it an STD? Should we check Brandon Phillips just to be sure? Or maybe Jason LaRue? He’s a catcher, after all, and this sort of thing can spread.

This sorry episode marks the end of Ken Griffey Jr.’s career. When you can’t play because you’ve hurt the muscle that’s attached to your anus, then I’m sorry, it’s time to hang up the spikes. He has now officially had every single injury a baseball player can have, outside of cancer and losing a testicle a la John Kruk. He’s broken hands, wrists, legs; he’s pulled hamstrings and quads; and now, he’s even injured his colon. This sort of thing should happen only to a couch potato who eats chicken friend steak daily, and is into sexual sado-masochism. Griffey is a professional athlete who makes Carl Pavano look like Cal Ripken Jr. If you think Barry Zito’s contract was bad, just take a look at Griffey’s. Albatross doesn't even quite define it. Call it a Spruce Goose, complete with total and utter failure. You’ve had a great run, Kenny, and you’ve provided people who watch baseball with a lot of laughs. Most of them generally at you as opposed to with you. But it’s time to retire. Take your ball and go home, that is, while you still have it.

Was the 1995 ALDS Griffey's Illmatic? I think it might have been.

*For more, consult the Reveries of the Solitary Walker. However, this book is quite wretched, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

**Modern Quackery. This is a magazine that would sell itself.

I can't believe I put modern philosophy and ass jokes in the same post. It's like college did and did not happen at the same time.