Thursday, March 29, 2007

No More Tommy John?

This is pretty remarkable. According to an article in the NY Times, therapies are being developed with stem cells from umbilical cord blood that can erase the need for Tommy John Surgery. Injections of primitive stem cells done on rats to repair ligaments and tendons by one doctor has been deemed successful. Good enough for me! Supposedly the technology to do something like this is 3-5 years away. This means that Dontrelle Willis will pitch in the future. Prior and Wood will not.

Seriously Dontrelle. Beat the rush… get TJ surgery now.

Let’s think about this.

The technology works in rats.
Randy Johnson is the most rat-like player in MLB.
Ergo, this technology will work in Randy Johnson.

It is logical.

The ornery old SOB can pitch until he’s 80! I mean, the NL West is where careers go to die, right?* More on this later. Regardless of anything remotely sane, questions abound from this technology. Whose to say that someone just injects the stuff in the arm at the start of the season to keep themselves from tiring? If you can grow new ligaments, why not get TJ surgery with brand new ligaments when you’re like 9 and then throw 105 mph for the rest of your life? Aren’t these all performance enhancing drugs??? The best thing about this series of tubes called the Internet is that it’s the only place where we can anonymously scream at each other about matters such as these that will never even remotely concern us. You know, unless you’re Curt Schilling. Who was teammates with Randy Johnson! Kevin Bacon that, people.

No sir, not at all homoerotic. Not one bit.

*Also see Bronx, New York 2003-2006.

UUU Gonna Get Raped

Uh-oh. A Venezuelan prison? I’m not even sure Jack Bauer could survive in there, and he’s basically the only thing saving civilization. According to this gentleman, the Venezuelan criminal code is similar to the US, but Venezuela is also highly corrupt, and has gone under 11 constitution changes since the country’s inception, which according to my high level math skills is basically one every other spring.

-Caballero, the peasents are revolting!
-I know, I hate them too...*

Let’s get back into the corruption thing. Isn’t Urbina, like, rich enough to practically buy the entire bloody country? Or at least the parts not already owned by Bobby Abreu, Miguel Cabrera, Carlos Zambrano, or Hugo Chavez? I mean, go to jail, buy the prison, and walk out. Or if there is really that much corruption, just pay the judge off. About one-half year’s worth of an MLB contract should do it. Then he can get back in the show. JaJaJa!! See, that’s a play on words of the website’s name. “On The Show.” Original content and writing? About baseball? Get it?? Nothing???

Ironically enough if Urbina was a lefty, he could probably still get a job once he gets out of prison.

Does this still hurt for you? If so, change your lifestyle.

Hat Tip: Deadspin
*This joke is stolen from somewhere. Monty Python?? If anyone could tell me I'd appreciate it.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The End of a Hilarious Era

Attention all Cubs fans—your chances of actually winning a world series this year have gotten infinitesimally better! Even if the odds are only going from one-in-a-billion to one-in-a-million, considering the ignominious history of the northsiders, I’d say that’s cause for celebration.

Ahhh… this just never gets old

Because you see, former Houston dynamo (pun intended) Wade Miller has beat out Mark Prior for the 5th spot in the Cubs’ rotation. With Prior barely breaking 90 on the gun, doomed to start the season in AAA, and Kerry Wood (surprise!) once again on the DL, it’s time to declare and end to the sometimes painful, but always hilarious, Wood-Prior era. Wood and Prior would be the goat-riding saviors who would take the Cubs finally to the promised land on their golden arms and youthful exuberance. And while youth is no barrier to great achievements, it’s still not a good sign when your manager stretches you out for games with 120+ pitch counts while your arm is yet to accrue the scar tissue necessary to withstand the wholly unnatural motion of pitching.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Daisuke Verducci Matsuzaka will still destroy you!! iddqd!

In closing, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, you provided a lot of hope to a lot of Cubs fans, whose dreams were all invariably crushed with your constant injuries (and now) general incompetence. For that, I salute you! MLB needs a good loser, and 1908 was such a long time ago. Enjoy your respective fades into bolivian.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Internet Slap Fight!! Winner gets to actually be quiet

Pretty much everyone has commented on the latest Shaughnessy vs. Schilling slap-fight. To anyone who follows the newsreels in the northeast, this comes as a surprise to no one. Schilling doesn’t want to be misquoted by writers with an agenda, and Shaughnessy doesn’t want sports writers to fade into obscurity. In some ways, it’s a lose-lose situation for everyone, which is why it’s so delightful.

Clich├ęd, but appropriate

Anyway, the most important thing that only one blogger mentioned was that Irish Dan actually acknowledged his nickname and internet persona.

CHB38: What do you say to those media morons who contend that you are a self-important blowhard with an ill-informed opinion about everything and an insatiable need to be worshipped by sheep-like fans and late-night blog boys who live in Ma's basement?”

CHB. CHB!! Dan fucking Shaughnessy just called himself the Curley Haired Boyfriend! Shouldn’t this be a bigger deal? Isn’t this the MSM-blogger link that proves that not only does Irish Dan read the jokes made about him, but his clever nod to them proves that it affects him in some way? I liken this to Iran diplomatically recognizing Israel, except you know, will less expected mustard gas.

Terrorism jokes-- fun for the whole family!

Regardless, this means three things:
1. He doesn’t like the name, which means we should use it incessantly.
2. He likes the name, which means we should come up with a new one. I prefer Nappy Haired Paddy (or NHP).
3. Or this is just another desperate attempt by two intolerable blowhards to foist even more attention on themselves, already spreading the rank virus that is the Boston Sports Media culture?

“Learn to Love the Bomb.” Nuke both of ‘em.

Ht Tip: Pete Abraham's LoHud Yankees Blog

Daisuke Verducci Matsuzaka

Are you ready for Daisuke Matsuzaka?

Matsuzaka DOOM GodMode circa 1997*

Because according to Tom Verducci there is no way you are ready. Not even close. Matsuzaka knows more pitches than have even been invented. His very presence is so fearsome, he will hit American shores more radically than the atomic bomb that vaporized his grandfather.

If the U.S. got nuked, then we would have invented Pokemon.

Forget the inescapable annihilation of the A.L. the N.L. the Big Dig, and possibly the entire U.S. government (making him a surefire winner of all pitching awards both past and present) his presence will also completely warp the way pitchers are managed. All you so called experts? You’re about to get pwn3d. Pitch counts? Ice? Rest? Holding on off throwing hard sliders until the cartilage forms in your elbow? Total weakness. Your see, Daius-K Matsu-zaKa throws a 1000 pitch bullpen sessions. He does the long toss to Port St. Lucie (and when in Boston, to Framingham). One the VERY SUPER KICKY ULTRA RARE occasion he gets shelled, he’ll go into the bullpen to throw some more, ever focuses on the annihilation of the opposing batter.

I can smell your Gyroball

Forget the evidence provided from Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and Dr. James Andrews. Matsuzaka has already taken the lessons from those ignorant bastards and thrown them into the freakin' sun. It’s all been incinerated, and those links you saw in previous sentence? They are no longer in operation.**

The secret to developing yourself into a Japanese Pitching Weapon is throwing more, not less. The Japanese Way will show us that pitchers are not a weak breed to be coddled like children jaundice from birth, they are SPARTAN WARRIORS, endlessly training for the day they might reach baseball immortality without throwing a single pitch in Major League Baseball. Enjoy your breakfast men, because TONIGHT, WE DINE, IN HELL!

Kobe beef and sushi, bitches!

* iddqd. BTW, my photoshop for some reason is on the fritz. If you don’t like my MS Paint style images, then go elsewhere.
** Those links actually are in operation, moron. If you fell for that, then you fail at the internet.

UPDATE: Pootie did it again!!

Monday, March 26, 2007

Anna Benson… what a dame!

Dear Anna,

My love, there are some days that I feel sad that you’ve slipped into D-list obscurity. Out of all your measurable assets (read: size DD’s) the one that endeared us to you was all the moxie you carried in spades. Between your strange screeds at PETA (which were kind of awesome, in their own way), your ranting on Kris’ trade to the Orioles, and your warnings to screw entire baseball organizations to keep your husband faithful, it makes me yearn for times past when your photos and sound bites were in greater supply. You might never be boring; Anna, but you’ll always be a classy dame.


Seriously, as hot as you are, your style of attention whoring belongs back in the strip club where you came from. Just because you're hot doesn’t mean it gives you the right to sound off on anything that enters your vapid head. Because that means that we all have to pay more attention to you. The side benefit of seeing you in skimpy outfits isn’t worth the trouble. After reading this foolishness, I’m going to have to blast you for your own good.
Anna: “The Mets lost (a chance at winning) the World Series because of a little red dress. That doesn’t bother me. That should bother them.”

Darling, reality check time-- The guy who got you off the pole… well… he’s just not a very good pitcher. Besides, the reason why the Mets lost the NLCS last year wasn’t because of the pitching. Quite the opposite, really: the pitching was actually ok. For some reason, David Wright and the gang couldn’t figure out Jeff Weaver or Jeff Suppan. Not to mention this is pretty much a moot point considering Kris was out for the season with a torn rotator cuff. By the way, it’s not like this sort of injury wouldn’t have happened had he been pitching in New York—it’s a rotator cuff, it’s not like he was jacked by an extra from The Wire.

Anna: “They got a bleeping bag of balls for Kris. They didn't get [expletive]. Julio Jorge and John Maine. They traded a number one stud pitcher who was 30 for at the time, and they blame the red dress."


Anna: “The Mets lost (a chance at winning) the World Series because of a little red dress. That doesn’t bother me. That should bother them.”

John Maine in 2006 was better than Benson was in 2005. Jorge Julio (not Julio Jorge for those keeping score at home) was a solid bullpen arm for a team that didn’t have many. Most experts decided that the O’s got raped on that trade worse than Marcellus Wallace did by the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Judging by 2006, they were right.

My mother said to pick the very best one and you are not… it

Also, you self absorbed little trollop, maybe Mets GM Omar Minaya liked Julio and Maine more than he liked your hubby. Maybe he didn’t want some crazy big-tittied ex-stripper to be a team distraction. Maybe in an effort to further Latinize Los Mets he wanted to get rid of all the white people. Or maybe, assuming if Kris did indeed cheat on you, he didn’t want you to bang every member of the Mets organization and give them all Chlamydia. Whatever his reasons, Minaya made the trade to make his team better, not because you let your massive jugs hang out of some sexy dress. The lesson, as always, is: "You can’t turn a ho’ into a housewife, ho’s don’t act right."* And that your boobs are still splendiferous, as evidenced below...

Like big bags of... sand

Sorry for the tough love, Anna. Remember-- girls can never be too pretty, too thin, or too QUIET. Try to stay that way.



Hat tip: AOL's Orioles Sportsblog

*From Ludacris’ Ho. We actually voted this as our prom song back in High School, but “apparently” the “school” thought it was “inappropriate.” "Apparently" the "women" at the "prom" would be "uncomfortable." Fucking assholes. What the fuck do they know??

Cry Havoc, Let Slip the Boys of Summer

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