Thursday, June 28, 2007

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Andy Pettitte is saying the New York Yankees don’t “care” enough, Kyle Farnsworth is breaking things with practice bats, Scott Proctor is swearing at the media, and murmurs in the Yankee clubhouse say that Roger Clemens is missing the strikezone due to cataracts in his eyes, and forgetting pitch signs due to general senility. To put it mildly, the Bombers are facing an outright mutiny not seen since The Bronx Was Burning. Naturally, cackles of schadenfreude are heard from the usual suspects, but the question begs-- who is the savior who can bring the Highlanders back from the brink of elimination? What paragon of virtue and ability can rally the Yankee troops, and start a wild ride that will end deep into October with a World Series victory? Why, Shea Hillenbrand, of course.

Just when you think things have absolutely hit rock-bottom, Yankees GM Brian Cashman is apparently very close to agreeing to acquire the worst DH in the American League this side of Johnny Damon. Hillenbrand is a guy who:

1. Sucks, to put it mildly
2. Got in a fist fight with his manager
3. Wrote on the white-board of the Toronto locker room “The ship is sinking, play for your contracts.”

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the perfect guy to bring on when a ship actually is sinking! Before you know it, the media locust swarm will be crowded around Hillenbrand’s locker like flies are to feces, and the “Shea-Hey Kid” will be saying, candidly, how doomed the team really is. That'll be great for morale I'm sure. Also, as much as I’d like to punch Joe Torre in the face (and this year, the feeling has occurred more often than not) it’s not like I would actually do it. Hillenbrand would. We haven’t seen a Yankee geriatric go down in violence since Don Zimmer in 2003, and how did that work out?

Oh yea, like that.


I’m not very persuaded by the arguments that there are some players that just know how to “win.” But there are some out there that just know how to lose. This is a guy who has only once played on a team that’s finished the season with an above .500 record, and has never sniffed playoff baseball. Is that, keeping in mind the other flaws mentioned above, really the kind of guy a team would want in a foxhole during a pennant race? I’m certainly not a baseball player, but I sure as hell wouldn’t think so.

All is not great in Yankee land. The team is on the verge of dropping three-of-four to being swept entirely by the Orioles, A-Rod opt out talk is continuing to buzz, the bullpen is surrendering wins like they’re frog-blooded Frenchmen, and meanwhile in Detroit, Gary Sheffield is slowly earning the nickname “the 12th Street Riot.” However, there is still a lot of time left in the season, and former New York teams have done pretty amazing things in the 2nd halves of some baseball years. If the team acquires Shea Hillenbrand, however, then the fall of freaking Rome will pale in comparison to the circus of suck that will plague baseball's most expensive debacle until the end of their first season without the playoffs since 1994.

While we're at it, let's bring back Showalter.


Hat-Tip: The essential MLB Trade Rumors.
Snoozing Torre courtesy of nomaas.org.

93 comments:

Rob I said...

Kill me now. Make it quick and painless.

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

Rob I:

you get used to losing after awhile.

And the Yankees and Orioles are playing in a 3-game series. (small nitpik)

Hustler of Culture said...

I loved this post. It gave me lots of joy.

And stupid rain....

SlickBomb said...

So Ms. Wanda, you're telling me the Yankees never beat the O's this series, and are on the verge of getting completely swept?

Breakfast, thy name is Hemlock.

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

They were on the verge of getting swept, till Jeter got that 2-run single. And then the rain came.

The "Met fan from 02-04" part of me sympathizes with y'all. The rest of me takes gleeful delight in watching the Yankees lose.

Except for the part where Torre looks very Art Howe-ish on the bench. Frea-ky. He's even started using ole Art's motto "We battled". Sorry to say, but Torre needs to go. (any other manager would've been gone after '04, imo.)

Eric said...

Two teams, actually: both the 2001 and 2002 Red Sox finished above .500 - and that's not including teams where Shea maintained a temporary residency (hurray for euphemisms!) that finished above .500 after he left.

I'd be pleased as punch if the Yanks got Hillenbrand: it would finally give Boston fans another reason to boo that a-hole.

SlickBomb said...

Dan-- I did see that, I only counted seasons that he finished with teams. It makes the points more relevant.

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