Monday, June 25, 2007

Your Favorite Yankee Prospect is Worthless



For those don’t already know, I am a big-time Yankee fan. Huge, even. It’s why when I see my fellow fans saying or doing things that mind-bendingly stupid, I cringe and woefully acknowledge that, yes, perhaps a large portion of Yankee fans really are the delusional imbeciles that everyone claims them to be. Therefore, when I see a idea or statement that is so righteous in its woeful stupidity, I take this task of bitch slapping all the offenders back to Africa with a distinct pleasure, similar to the way a pimp does when he slaps around his ho’. I realize that this might hurt a tad, but fear not, you’ll all be better people after this thrashing.

The number of offenses are legion, but the most glaring one is the obsession with a little-known relief specialist named Colter Bean. Bean, an Auburn Tiger and Yankees draftee, has spent almost his entire career in service to the Yankees minor league system. Poor measurables such as a having no fastball, no movement on said fastball, no secondary pitches worth mentioning, and no knowledge of how to pitch, had the organization down on him, for very good reasons. After getting annihilated while pitching in brief stints in the majors, Bean was sent back down to AAA, probably to serve out the rest of his wholly undistinguished career.

In pro-wrestling, Bean would be called a "jobber." Jobbers were paid not to be the star attraction, but generally to put work in, lose, and make everyone around them look better. The pitcher's numbers against poor competition are good, true, but to a team competing for a World Championship, Bean is a worthless commodity and should probably have been released years ago. In fact, I say that he's less than worthless, because his very presence takes a spot away from a player who might actually help the major league club somewhere along the line.

However, delusional Yankee fans still flock to this guy, and treat him like he actually might be one of the answers to Yankees myriad of bullpen woes. He's not. "Free Colter Bean!" they cry. A website was made in his honor, which answers the age-old question “Is there really anyone out there dumb enough to fall for a pyramid scheme?”


A Bean defender might say “You realize you are deeming him worthless after only seven innings in the majors, right?” No.

He's worthless because he throws 85 miles an hour.
He's worthless because he's got a career ERA of 9.00 and a WHIP that's nearly 2.500.
He's worthless because Joe Torre abuses his relievers like they are insolent wives, and even HE won't use him.
He's worthless because people who know more in their little finger than you, I, or anyone including the so-called Internet experts know about the game of base-ball say he's worthless.

He's worthless because he was put up for grabs to any major league team when he was put on waivers, and everyone passed on him. The Texas Rangers, who are scouting little-league parent-pitch baseball games for anything remotely resembling a live arm, passed on Colter Bean. Just as a special exercise, they even opened up the waiver process to Japan-- no takers. The Dominican Summer League? No takers. Remember that story about the new Israeli baseball team? That team they're building in Israel? Bean's surname was shortened from "Beanowitz" when his parents came over from Ellis Island. He's eligible to play. The Yankees offered him up on waivers… even THEY passed on him.

Did you know that they played baseball the Planet Vulcan? It's not exactly fun, because everyone can read each other's mind, so the hitter knows what's coming. Games end up being like 100-97. However, they lack the strength human beings possess to throw a baseball faster than 70 mph. Even the Vulcans passed on Colter Bean.

Google Image Search for "Vulcan Baseball."


The only thing Bean needs to be free from are his delusions that he's a major league player. Perhaps he's just trying to collect a paycheck, and his supporters are the ones that are delusional. Lucky for all of you, Mr. Slick, in all of his infinite wisdom, is relieving you all from such vision. I am hereby ending the career (if you can call it that) of Colter Bean. Yankee fans-- he is not a savior. Fans of other AL teams-- he will not come up again, so quit waiting around like little kids on Christmas morning.

Colter, if you're reading this, in that demented attempt at the intellectual pornography called Google-scanning, you are hereby anointed by the High Priest of the Church of Matsuzaka, to quit the Yankees, and go teach gym. Outside of perverse schadenfreude-ian comedic value, enjoyed only by people whose grip on sanity is tenuous at best, you will not be missed. Hallelujah, and Amen.

UPDATE: The owner of FreeColterBean.com has expressed his thoughts on Bean in the comment section. Suppress your laughter accordingly.

12 comments:

Hustler of Culture said...

to quit the motherfucking Yankees, and go teach gym

Kids, go run some laps while I weap into my whiskey and think about what could have been...

Anonymous said...

I've never heard anyone refer to him as their 'Favorite Yankee Prospect', nor even considered a top prospect. If Humberto Sanchez has not fully recovered from Tommy John surgery a year from now, then it might be time to call a prospect 'worthless'. At least the Mike Lowell for Eddie Yarnell (currently pitching for the L.I. Ducks) worked out well.

Anonymous said...

Nobody called him the best prospect ever, especially now that he's so goddamned old. But he could be a good enough stopgap or replacement-level pitcher, and he was worth a try when Luis Vizcaino was sucking.

As long as Chris Britton and Edwar Ramirez are rotting in AAA, I'd rather see them get the call before Bean.

Anonymous said...

" but to a team competing for a World Championship,"...you really think the yankees are going to make a run at the world series? you sir are delusional. I mean seriously they are not even the best team in New York and thats not saying much. 11 games back right now, and they will fall after the break.

Anonymous said...

First of all... i don't see you ANYWHERE in professional baseball... Second of all, that guy has more class then you will ever fathom in your life time... Back off and get a life

Rickey Henderson said...

Meh, Yanks suck.

James said...

You are truly an idiot. I hope this was sarcasm just like freecolterbean.com is sarcasm. Non-retarded Yankee fans know that the dude blows.

Idiot.

Ross said...

yea, I too hope this is sarcasm. Everyone knows Colter Bean sucks and everyone knows the Yankees farm system is LOADED with young, live, exciting arms. More than you can say about their ML team.

Daniel Davis said...

The numbers quoted in this post aren't really that accurate since the ERA and WHIP quoted are from his very few innings in the majors. His minor league ERA and WHIP are much better in most years. Also in terms of his slow pitching, he's more of a trick pitcher then a overpowering one. The main problem is that he's misused most of the time. His odd angle of delivery makes him much more effective against right handed batters then lefties. He should be used more as a sort of right handed specialist.

I started FreeColterBean.com a year ago to bring attention to a player with good numbers who was underused. The level difference between the majors and minors is not so great that a pitcher who is consistently good in the minors can't pitch in the majors. He's had a bad year this year but that can be said of other players as well. He can be a good pitcher if used in the right limited role. And the Yankees can certainly use more middle relief.

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