Friday, May 4, 2007

Cult of Matsuzaka (FotZ): Heresy in Boston!!



Julio Lugo... I’m not angry at you. I’m just not angry at you. There is no punch line here, this is not a joke, I’m not going to go and say that I’m FURIOUS... AT YOU... because I’m not, I’m not, I’m just not. Because I... I understand the position that you have been put in to, by your acquisition to the Boston Red Sox, the chosen team of our savior, Daisuke Matsuzaka (pbuh)*. I’m sure you realize on some celestial level conveyed to you, by Matsuzaka, that He is a pan-dimensional cosmic entity and the fact that you would even set foot on the same filed as Him, even for an inning, will fill the rest of your days with the bliss and peace that cannot even nearly be described in any language invented by humanity. This knowledge, combined with this righteous force of the most wonderful and raw comic energy swirling around you like a glorious typhoon, I’m sure it is a bit daunting, and I grant you that, and I understand.

But even then, Julio, you cannot ALLOW two

GODDAMN ERRORS in the same

GODDAMN

INNING!!!**


Threre is a strategy here, ok? There is a freakin'. strategy. right. here. Your job is not to simply beat the competition, ok? It is your job, and Matsuzaka’s, to grind their freakin' bones into toothpaste. Toothpaste with little red ribbons in it, just like AquaFresh. Do you know why the ribbons in this toothpaste are red, Julio? Because they’re filled with bone marrow, and DNA, and I don’t know what else, I’m a theologian, not a medical doctor, but that’s what you gotta do. The toothpaste, it might taste like Tom’s of Maine, all chalky, but you’re not there to make a good tasting toothpaste out of bone, because that would be impossible.


Matsuzaka’s plan is to intentionally load those bases. Intentionally walk those hitters, and load those bases, ok? And then when He gets those hitters out, they realize they simply have no chance against Him. Once the mind game is won, the physical game is easy, and the spiritual game can commence. Those errors of your not only screwed your team, they fucked Matsuzaka, and they might have screwed over the immortal souls of those players and the millions watching around the world.

Now, Julio, you recovered for yourself quite nicely. You had a ground-rule double right after your errors, you played well in the field, you accounted for yourself and your team quite nicely, and you deserve all the credit in the world for that. Perhaps Matsuzaka was testing you, as He tests me, to see if you could recover from this. You did, congratulations, la-dee-freaking-da. Do you know that there are those of us who flagellate ourselves daily out of gratitude just so we can watch Matsuzaka? That we put off our wives, our lives, our children, to hang on every glorious pitch He throws, because that is what will teach us about salvation? He forgives you, so do I, just be better next time, or we will not be so forgiving.

Is this not the face of intimidation?

BTW, everyone, don’t listen to DICKHEAD YANKEE FANS who think that giving up 7 ER somehow prevents the Messiah from being worth 100m dollars before He ever threw a pitch in the major leagues, because they’re freaking jealous liars! My inbox is filling up with this same thing, over and over again, people denegrating the Fellowship of the ZAK, insulting our Emmanuel, and I don’t want to hear it! Here's one:

Slick,

How does it feel to see Matsuzaka give up 7 ER to the fucking Mariners, pussy boy? Enjoy the next five days, you cultist whacko.

Love always,


Jesus

PS—Go Yanks!


grraaaaahhhhhh!!!fsddddddjhvc!!


*I don’t need to keep on typing this, you get the picture.
**The apostate official scorer, probably some college-level nimrod who wanted to get a job with the "Sawx" changed the 2nd error to a hit after the game. Obvious, total, crap. Check the play-by-play.

5 comments:

chewbacca lowenstien said...

M_tsuzaka fixed my computer from on high. I am once again able to view his teachings!

Anonymous said...

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SlickBomb said...

@ Anonymous:

Thanks for the kudos. If you need any help with subscription, send me an e-mail at SlickBomb-at-gmail-dot-com.

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