Monday, March 26, 2007

Anna Benson… what a dame!

Dear Anna,

My love, there are some days that I feel sad that you’ve slipped into D-list obscurity. Out of all your measurable assets (read: size DD’s) the one that endeared us to you was all the moxie you carried in spades. Between your strange screeds at PETA (which were kind of awesome, in their own way), your ranting on Kris’ trade to the Orioles, and your warnings to screw entire baseball organizations to keep your husband faithful, it makes me yearn for times past when your photos and sound bites were in greater supply. You might never be boring; Anna, but you’ll always be a classy dame.


Seriously, as hot as you are, your style of attention whoring belongs back in the strip club where you came from. Just because you're hot doesn’t mean it gives you the right to sound off on anything that enters your vapid head. Because that means that we all have to pay more attention to you. The side benefit of seeing you in skimpy outfits isn’t worth the trouble. After reading this foolishness, I’m going to have to blast you for your own good.
Anna: “The Mets lost (a chance at winning) the World Series because of a little red dress. That doesn’t bother me. That should bother them.”

Darling, reality check time-- The guy who got you off the pole… well… he’s just not a very good pitcher. Besides, the reason why the Mets lost the NLCS last year wasn’t because of the pitching. Quite the opposite, really: the pitching was actually ok. For some reason, David Wright and the gang couldn’t figure out Jeff Weaver or Jeff Suppan. Not to mention this is pretty much a moot point considering Kris was out for the season with a torn rotator cuff. By the way, it’s not like this sort of injury wouldn’t have happened had he been pitching in New York—it’s a rotator cuff, it’s not like he was jacked by an extra from The Wire.

Anna: “They got a bleeping bag of balls for Kris. They didn't get [expletive]. Julio Jorge and John Maine. They traded a number one stud pitcher who was 30 for at the time, and they blame the red dress."


Anna: “The Mets lost (a chance at winning) the World Series because of a little red dress. That doesn’t bother me. That should bother them.”

John Maine in 2006 was better than Benson was in 2005. Jorge Julio (not Julio Jorge for those keeping score at home) was a solid bullpen arm for a team that didn’t have many. Most experts decided that the O’s got raped on that trade worse than Marcellus Wallace did by the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Judging by 2006, they were right.

My mother said to pick the very best one and you are not… it

Also, you self absorbed little trollop, maybe Mets GM Omar Minaya liked Julio and Maine more than he liked your hubby. Maybe he didn’t want some crazy big-tittied ex-stripper to be a team distraction. Maybe in an effort to further Latinize Los Mets he wanted to get rid of all the white people. Or maybe, assuming if Kris did indeed cheat on you, he didn’t want you to bang every member of the Mets organization and give them all Chlamydia. Whatever his reasons, Minaya made the trade to make his team better, not because you let your massive jugs hang out of some sexy dress. The lesson, as always, is: "You can’t turn a ho’ into a housewife, ho’s don’t act right."* And that your boobs are still splendiferous, as evidenced below...

Like big bags of... sand

Sorry for the tough love, Anna. Remember-- girls can never be too pretty, too thin, or too QUIET. Try to stay that way.



Hat tip: AOL's Orioles Sportsblog

*From Ludacris’ Ho. We actually voted this as our prom song back in High School, but “apparently” the “school” thought it was “inappropriate.” "Apparently" the "women" at the "prom" would be "uncomfortable." Fucking assholes. What the fuck do they know??


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