Matsuzaka DOOM GodMode circa 1997*
Because according to Tom Verducci there is no way you are ready. Not even close. Matsuzaka knows more pitches than have even been invented. His very presence is so fearsome, he will hit American shores more radically than the atomic bomb that vaporized his grandfather.
If the U.S. got nuked, then we would have invented Pokemon.
Forget the inescapable annihilation of the A.L. the N.L. the Big Dig, and possibly the entire U.S. government (making him a surefire winner of all pitching awards both past and present) his presence will also completely warp the way pitchers are managed. All you so called experts? You’re about to get pwn3d. Pitch counts? Ice? Rest? Holding on off throwing hard sliders until the cartilage forms in your elbow? Total weakness. Your see, Daius-K Matsu-zaKa throws a 1000 pitch bullpen sessions. He does the long toss to Port St. Lucie (and when in Boston, to Framingham). One the VERY SUPER KICKY ULTRA RARE occasion he gets shelled, he’ll go into the bullpen to throw some more, ever focuses on the annihilation of the opposing batter.
I can smell your Gyroball
Forget the evidence provided from Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and Dr. James Andrews. Matsuzaka has already taken the lessons from those ignorant bastards and thrown them into the freakin' sun. It’s all been incinerated, and those links you saw in previous sentence? They are no longer in operation.**
The secret to developing yourself into a Japanese Pitching Weapon is throwing more, not less. The Japanese Way will show us that pitchers are not a weak breed to be coddled like children jaundice from birth, they are SPARTAN WARRIORS, endlessly training for the day they might reach baseball immortality without throwing a single pitch in Major League Baseball. Enjoy your breakfast men, because TONIGHT, WE DINE, IN HELL!
Kobe beef and sushi, bitches!
* iddqd. BTW, my photoshop for some reason is on the fritz. If you don’t like my MS Paint style images, then go elsewhere.
** Those links actually are in operation, moron. If you fell for that, then you fail at the internet.
UPDATE: Pootie did it again!!