Attention all Cubs fans—your chances of actually winning a world series this year have gotten infinitesimally better! Even if the odds are only going from one-in-a-billion to one-in-a-million, considering the ignominious history of the northsiders, I’d say that’s cause for celebration.
Because you see, former Houston dynamo (pun intended) Wade Miller has beat out Mark Prior for the 5th spot in the Cubs’ rotation. With Prior barely breaking 90 on the gun, doomed to start the season in AAA, and Kerry Wood (surprise!) once again on the DL, it’s time to declare and end to the sometimes painful, but always hilarious, Wood-Prior era. Wood and Prior would be the goat-riding saviors who would take the Cubs finally to the promised land on their golden arms and youthful exuberance. And while youth is no barrier to great achievements, it’s still not a good sign when your manager stretches you out for games with 120+ pitch counts while your arm is yet to accrue the scar tissue necessary to withstand the wholly unnatural motion of pitching.
Daisuke Verducci Matsuzaka will still destroy you!! iddqd!
In closing, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, you provided a lot of hope to a lot of Cubs fans, whose dreams were all invariably crushed with your constant injuries (and now) general incompetence. For that, I salute you! MLB needs a good loser, and 1908 was such a long time ago. Enjoy your respective fades into bolivian.