Jeff Weaver: Back on the Pot

Saturday of this weekend while I was at the NFL draft, Jeff Weaver was losing. This wasn't any kind of losing, though, this dude was getting firebombed like the Germans at Dresden. By the Royals! Kurt Vonnegut, wrote an entire book out of his experience, all I’ll try to do is bang out a few paragraphs.

Everyone knows Weaver smokes pot. We suspected as much back in 2000, when he was a super prospect/best player for the then-hapless Detroit Tigers. A stewardess on a Tigers flight in a lawsuit against an uncomfortable (AKA overly sexy) working environment saw Weaver walk out of the lavatory in a "puff of smoke" and the "smell of Marijuana behind him."* Besides that little tidbit, he’s also from the LBC, which according to some, is where weed was practically invented. Also, is it just me, or does he look like he's high all the time?


He stopped smoking when he was with the Cardinals when he helped them win the World Series. It's the only explanation why such an awful pitcher suddenly turned good. So why is he back on it now? Maybe because Seattle is a dystopian super-structure, whose mocking name of the Emerald City hides the town’s wretched underbelly. Do you know what there is to actually do in Seattle?

1. Drink bad, overpriced coffee and fellate oneself
2. Listen to Grunge
3. Play Nintendo
4. Get in infinitely meaningless arguments over if PC or Macs are better.

Do you know who loses in this kind of situation? Everyone in Seattle. Hence, Weaver losing all his games. It’s a vicious cycle, and when you’re in a vicious cycle, you get back to your roots, and try to do what first made you successful. And considering Dave Duncan’s semi-miraculous pitching tapes self-destructed upon Weaver’s exit from St. Louis, all Weaver’s got left is the ganja.


Seattle manage Mike Hargrove, whose intellectual capacity places him somewhere between John Kruk and an igneous rock on the smartest beings to ever grace the human experience, has decided the best place for Weaver is in the bullpen. This will be, predictably, a disaster, making Weaver the most expensive, ineffective reliever since Kyle Farnsworth (an intellectual midget in his own regard).** Weaver’s last significant experience in a relief role came in the 2003 World Series, where after getting through one inning and giving a fist-pump that made Francisco Rodriguez’s slap-assery look like Sanjuro Yojimbo in comparison, gave up a laser of a homerun that literally dented the side of Dolphins’ Stadium.

Obviously, the Mariners shouldn't have signed Weaver. Hell, no one should have signed Weaver. His very acquisition is a total and abject failure, and this sort of incompetence should surprise no one-- Mariners GM Bill Bavasi has been doing this shit for years. How have Adrian Beltre and Richie Sexon turned out? I hate to make such an easy joke here, but Weaver's probably not the only one on drugs in Seattle.

This, Jamie Kennedy, is how you kick it old school

*This article is impossible to find online without a search via Lexus-Nexus. However, a gentleman at NYYFans.com copied and pasted the entire thing here. Very funny stuff.
**Consult The Dugout for more insight and hilarity.