Monday, May 14, 2007

Cult of Matsuzaka (FotZ): Motown No Mo'!!

This just in-- Matsuzaka nukes... D-Troit City motha-what!!

Out of all the places in the western hemisphere, only Mexico City rivals Detroit in corruption, poverty, decay, and predilection for violent takeover and revolution. The city is generally perceived as an urban war zone, not unlike post-liberation Iraq, except the denizens of Rock City are on a whole better armed.

The following has caused much destruction in Detroit:

Pre-crackdown Devil’s Night*
OCP’s takeover of the city and the creation of the ED-209
The Shady Records-Murder Inc. rap war

What's not pictured is the shooting of the firemen

None of this has ever reached the amount of destruction from the divine wrath of Matsuzaka. Want to see the body count? Nine inning complete game. Five strikeouts, and a homerun allowed to Curtis Granderson, who through his outstanding blogging, has been seen as a favored son to the fellowship of the ZAK. To see a comparison, Moses was also favored in the eyes of Matsuzaka. Also, don't let JERKOFF YANKEE FANS tell you that Detorit can't really hit, and that there are a few more months in the season, because that's a load of crap, and they are delusional.

Rarely is there anything that can stop the pan-dimensional human embodiment of divinity and the space-time continuum, and there was nothing that could stop Matsuzaka today. Not the armies running the streets of Detroit at night, not the zombified octopi who hurl themselves at Red Wings games, not the guy who threw that drink at Ron Artest, and not even the combined forces of the 313 and the free world bitches (with the help of/special guest appearance by Joel Zumaya on Guitar Hero). In fact, if you went underneath the mansion of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and found Robocop, and re-activated him, not even he would stand against the righteous justice that is Matsuzaka.

So where does Detroit go from here? I say nowhere. Now that the city has been obliterated, it’s obvious that it’s time to move on and rebuild. The Tigers will have to forfit the rest of their games, and the citizens will be looking elsewhere for salvation. Luckily for them, the Cult of Matsuzaka (FotZ) will be giving out free stress tests and copies of our bible at the blast’s epicenter, consequently smack dab in the middle of where the old stadium used to be. Those who haven't had their skin melt off yet can enjoy that, as well as a complimentary choice of beverage. And no, morons, sake won’t be served, because that’s just racist. Also, if you choose not to come, I heard Flint, MI is always eager for another round of destruction.

I think this is necessary

*This is a fantastic website.
**As is this.


chewbacca lowenstien said...


Just wow...

Anonymous said...

Don't sweat, the BoSox will choke it away again this year. Did they make the playoffs last year? I was out of pocket and may have missed their run to the top.

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