Sunday, May 6, 2007

The Brewers are Doomed



Surprise, bitches. After what can liberally be called the 1st half of the season, the Milwaukee Brewers are atop their division for first time since Micheal Jackson was black. The Brewers’ history since then has been one of ignominious failure, losing most of their games with remarkable frequency. They’ve come around of late, due to some deals that have made the 2003 Curt Schilling hose job look like No! No! Nanette*, and the rest of the division (read: Cardinals! Cardinals! Cardinals!) being the poster children for organizational dysfunction.

This is sort of cute, because the Brewers really barely even qualify as a major league franchise. They play in the National League, which in some eras has been grounds for contraction. Their mascots are on par with most minor league teams, the slide is beyond kitschy, and has any prominent recent major leaguer even been the best player on the Brewers? Richie Sexon doesn’t count, and Roy Oswalt is better. Also, do we need to even get into the Mr. 3000 debacle? No other team would be comfortable being associated with such a travesty, but the Brewers felt right at home. The entire back story for the movie was that the Brewers were even historically bad, and they still said “ok?” Anything for publicity, right Uncle Bud?

At least it was better than Pride

Such a joke of a franchise can’t possibly be successful for this long, so naturally they’re doomed. Ben Sheets is bound to get re-injured sooner or later. Rickie Weeks, the second coming of Gary Sheffield, is going to start airmailing throws over 1st in no time. Eventually their players will become old enough to drink and all hell will break loose, with a sex boat cruise that makes the 2005 Minnesota Vikings look like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in comparison. This is so obvious, it’s barely even a story.

Immerse yourselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka


The real story will be what Bud Selig will do when the Brewers begin to falter. Will there be instant Vince Mcmahon-style rule changes? Sausage races counting as runs?** The infield fly rule extending to the 1st and 3rd base crowds? Sending in Bill Alphonso as the special guest umpire? The question is not will this happen (it must) but how hilarious will it be? Selig has always struck me as a feckless, doddering old coot, whose dealings with the steroids controversy reminds one of the Iran hostage scandal, but with far more disastrous global consequences. Bud should get his Vince on-- it’s not like his legacy can get any worse. All things considered, it’ll probably end up saving (at least in terms of entertainment) what will eventually become yet another lost season for the Brew-Crew.



*Nice job on that one, Joe Garagiola. It only cost you your reputation and career.
** This will, of course, have either the Pirates or Cubs re-sign Randall Simon. But considering the direction of those teams at this point it’s probably to be expected.

UPDATE: No comment from the peanut gallery?

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bud Selig doesn't even own the Brewers anymore and hasn't for a couple years. The new owner appears to really care about the fans and try to improve the team.

http://milwaukee.brewers.mlb.com/team/front_office.jsp?c_id=mil

http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=315213

Real Debate said...

This may be the single dumbest post I have ever seen.

Congratulations for a new low in ass-hattery.

Anonymous said...

good grief, that was weak

James said...

If you're not going to be funny, at least throw out that Pythagorean Record statistic a lot of the other blogs are using to say the Brewers aren't as good as their record.

Even if Selig tried to rig the league in the Brewers favor, he'd probably just end up running over Prince Fielder while driving to lunch.

The Brewers play at Shea this weekend. See how that goes and save the "I told you so" comments until that series is over. Let us enjoy it while it's good.

robola said...

Wow, for the first time I actually kind of agree with Real Debate...

Wasn't John Jaha pretty good for the A's? B.J. Surhoff? Yeah, ok, forget about the entire 90's for the Brewers.

SlickBomb said...

C'mon, guys, tell me how you really feel.

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Anonymous said...

that was just dumb, how about dropping a WHY somewhere in the article.

FaceMan said...

I want my 45 seconds back. What a waste of a read.

Anonymous said...

that was not funny at all. you are fucking retarded.

Andrew said...

I think the real question is how Deadspin though this was funny/relevant?

Oooh, no prominent major leaguers. Oooh, Bernie Mac's a gon a hit dem kids. Oooh, Bud Selig's cheats to win.

Wow. It's as if you came from 2003 to post this. Best. Post. Ever.

Anonymous said...

Was there a point anywhere in there? Or Humor, even?

rluzinski said...

Did you cut and paste every lame Brewer joke from the last decade to make that article? At least bring something new to the table.

Anonymous said...

slicky old boy,
After reading your latest post on Deadspin you seem to think you got roasted for belittling our Brewers. You seem to be missing the point- we can take getting dumped on, 20 years of futility will give you a thick skin. We took exception to the piss-poor post you threw up there. Poorly thought out, poorly constructed. Not amusing at all.
At least in this case, it's not us, it's you. Don't make me remind you about that river in Egypt.

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It's a Yankees fan, I shouldn't have been surprised.

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