According to Padres’ beat writer Corey Brock (via The FanHouse), Emmanuel Lewis was spotted in the Padre’s visiting clubhouse after their game with the Braves on Monday. Lewis, known most notably for his role in Webster and the Surreal Life series on VH1, is a scion to little people the world over for helping them earn the respect and dignity not seen during the dark times in history when they were used as plane movers and drink tables. Apparently Lewis was laughing hard after being tickled by Brian Giles, who may or may not have been wearing clothes at the time. According to sources close to me, the Giles v Giles are naked all the time, so the beat men don’t even record it, while Mike Penner looks on with permanent confusion.
The Pads are a hilarious franchise, intentionally or unintentionally so depending on perspective. Greg Maddux pees on rookies. The Giles brothers have a partiality towards nudity and bad jokes. David Wells is the John Daly of professional baseball*, except he consumes even more drugs, food, and booze, if that’s even possible. Let’s not get into the whole “Steve Garvey Is Not My Padre” fiasco. But now if you throw a midget in the mix, even one as prominent as Manny Lewis, then you’ve got the clubhouse of legends. While the LA Dodgers might be nicknamed “Red Sox West” by people too interested in both the Red Sox and the West, it seems like the Daddies are actually following the mantra:
Fat veteran secretly despised by the media = Boomer
Guys who get naked and rub their cocks all over each other/everything = Brothers Giles
Midget = Lewis
That being said, is there anything more potentially dangerous than David Wells, the Giles brothers, and Emmanuel Lewis together in the same place, in any circumstances? Rumor has it happening that night, and the results were tragic. Only the four of them were at Magic City in the A-T-L--Maddux needed to hydrate, Peavy was still striking people out, and Kevin Kouzmanoff was having PacBell install the Mendoza line in his house.
Anyway, every person who goes to a strip club tries their own kind of mojo out on the ladies. Ballplayers are no exception. Boomer was screaming at the DJ trying to get the girls to dance to Muscadine while taking out his fake teeth and showing them off, resulting in general disgust. Emmanuel Lewis was telling the girls that even though he is a “little person,” (his words, not mine) his penis is still a larger than average size. Meanwhile, Brian Giles was working his own kind of mojo:
Stripper: You wanna dance, baby?
Giles: Let me tell you a joke.
Giles: Ok, why is six afraid of seven?
Stripper: Cause seven-ate-nine!
Giles: (overly excited) Wow! You got it!
Stripper: Yea! My three kids at home tell that joke all the time.
Eventually, things descended into madness. Because of general weirdness and the midget getting grabby, none of the women would go up in VIP. Out of boredom, Brian and Marcus took their pants off and start simultaneously cock-whipping Manny Lewis, who probably enjoyed it too much. Boomer was so blasted off Cuervo and painkillers that he thought it was some kind of perverse tenderization ritual, and they were all going to try and eat the little fucker. So Boom grabbed him up like a big toothless bear, and ran out the club cackling like a maniac. Giles-squared tired running after him, but fell down the stairs since their pants were around their ankles. By the time they got back to the hotel, Lewis was already half eaten.
Some of this story may be true… I’m simply operating off hearsay and my own insanity. Regardless, no one will ever see Emmanuel Lewis again, and without their magical clubhouse chemistry, the Daddies are not a lock to make it to the World Series.
*Or is it John Daly is the David Wells of golf?