Monday, July 16, 2007

The Brewers Are Still Doomed



Have you ever eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup while sitting on the toilet? It’s an interesting experience to say the least. The sweet, chocolate, peanut-buttery taste caresses your taste buds in their succulent awesomeness, but because of the look of the candy and the place you’re sitting, the thought never leaves your mind that “Oh my God, I think I'm eating a giant sample of stool!” That’s basically how I feel about the 2007 Milwaukee Brewers. It might look and taste good, but after thinking about it, things go downhill pretty quickly.

The positives about these guys are the platitudes: “They play the game the right way,” “they have a lot of youth and enthusiasm,” “the game comes easy to them,” etc. Have you ever actually looked at the way their lineup is constructed? The starting pitching is not that great, and wunderkind Ben Sheets is still an injury waiting to happen. After one more ten strikeout game his arm is bound to explode. Ace-closer Francisco Cordero has been among the NL’s best this season, but this is the player who made a Howard Hughes style meltdown in Texas look like cold feet before marriage. Before you know it, the guy will be blowing saves, throwing up like Willie Beaman in the bullpen before games, and keeping his urine in plastic bags.

"It’s the wave of the future"

The hitting is not much better. JJ Hardy has been playing over his head for a while now, and is due for a regression. Do you really thing he’s going to hit 35 HR’s, and have a slugging percentage around .500? There is no chance the 2nd coming of Alex Rodriguez could play in Milwaukee-- it’s seriously not possible. Besides, the guy is basically the Brady Quinn of professional baseball. Is this the kind of dude you’d really want your team to rely on down the stretch? And speaking of “stretching,” “closing windows”, and JJ Hardy, let’s just say that the one in the upper-deck isn’t the only chute that Bernie Brewer is sliding around in.

“Oh my God you guys, I think I’m getting a clue!”

And speaking of horrific regressions, how about 3B, SS and OF Bill Hall? It seems like last year was the serious aberration, and this season is indicative what Hall can do. This guy’s strikeouts make Mike Cameron look like Tony Gwynn, except thinner and not nearly as black. Not to mention that by the time Hall is finished getting worse, the guy’ll be playing in AAA, and will have by that time committed a fantasy baseball holocaust not even the owners of Andruw Jones have ever seen.

If these things happen (and the way things have gone for the Brewers and their fans, they must) then the team’s division rivals are bound to overtake them eventually. Although it’s generally not a good idea to count on the Cubs for anything other than national embarrassment, the 300 million dollar men are starting to come around as of late, and are only about four games back in the division standings. In addition, the computer projections have always like the Cards in this division, and if Albert Pujols makes up for the time that was lost earlier in the season, and the Rick Ankiel experience gives the team a Josh Hamilton-level boost, then the NL Central crown will be ripe for the picking.

Time to face the facts—the Brewers are doomed. The club right now is hanging by a thread, and is probably a Paris Hilton hookup away from all out implosion. They might have tasted pretty good at first, but all you’ve really been eating is a nice chunk of feces. It might have taken a little longer than I originally projected, but the season is over nonetheless. Enjoy watching the playoffs at home once again, gentlemen, and please watch where you eat.

Too weird not to post.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow that is an argument that only looks at the factors that affect it. You seemed to have left out Ryan Braun, and Corey Hart, who both are playing extremely well and have helped carry the brewers this year. You just seem to me to be a guy who looked at the Brewers in the standing and said wait that is not right. Then you managed to create an argument based on the only 3 players you are aware of. Watch a game jackass.

Andrew said...

Wow. East Coast Comedy deigns to visit the flyover states again and touch us with their comedy gifts. What did we do to deserve such gifts?

Are you lonely, sir? Do you need somebody's hate to make you feel like you exist? Do you need vitriol to make you feel alive?

I'm only too happy to help.

The positives about these guys are Prince Fielder. 30 Homers? All-Star starter? Your NL MVP at present?

Then there's Ryan Braun. In 6 weeks, he's gone from his debut to breathing down Hunter Pence's neck for NL Rookie of the Year. He might even go 25-25. But clearly, you haven't heard of him. You're trying to make us sit back and enjoy the crazy.

And look at Corey Hart. He's the fastest tall guy in baseball. And he's also been crushing the ball. Is your leadoff hitter 6'6"? No! You're jealous of Milwaukee's leadoff man.

And yeah, he did use "Sunglasses at Night" for Walk-up music and march in a parade with Hillbilly Jim. He's awesome.

But no. You let your shitty comedy and desire to be Will Leitch in the worst way obscure your view of the awesome Brewers.

And really, Center Field doesn't need Ken fucking Griffey Junior at his peak to win either. An Aaron Rowand level of skill gets it done if there's talent at other spots.

AND HOLY FUCK SON, THERE IS!

I hope you feel like a man today that you got such a rant out of me, Slick. I hope you see this and say "Hey! I'm noticed! I'm hated!" And you go home and fuck your girl or your boy, whatever keeps your boat afloat. And I hope you get that signed photo of Will Leitch to wink at you in the moment of climax. I really hope you have a good day.

Because then maybe you'll actually make an effort to be funny next time instead of just being a lazy scatalogical version of Gregg Doyel.

SlickBomb said...

Andrew,

That is the finest rant I've ever seen against anything I've written, and your delicate prose has touched my tender heart. Bravo, sir.

And as much as I adore Will, he's way too Hollywood for my tastes. I want to be the next Mike Lupica!

Mike, in case you even happen to read this, I'm here waiting, and I'll always love you.

Aaron said...

This was the stupidest thing I have read all MLB season. First of all. Hall had been playing better before going on the DL injuring his ankle trying to rob a HR. Second, you ignored our two hottest players, Braun and Hart who coming into the season were not regular starters. Next, you left off how awesome Turnbow-Cordero have been in the 8-9 role. didnt even mention super rookie Gallardo either

what a fucking terrible post. cant believe TheBigLead linked to this crap

Anonymous said...

lol. funny stuff

Chad Sexington said...

Uh oh, you've upset the fat people.

Anonymous said...

Cubs are on Milwaukee's ass. Should overtake them in the next few weeks.

fitz said...

corey hart is a good player, but he's also coming back down to earth. do you really think he and ryan braun will both have 9 HR months for the rest of the year? the brewers are a good team, and if there was about a month left in the year, they might be able to hold on. can they hold on for about another 70 games, though?

also, i tried to think of a joke about how me giving ben sheets the finger could possibly help what ails him, but i couldn't think of anything good.

Aaron said...

Yeah, the Cubs with that fricking awesome bullpen and starters such as Jason Marquis, Rich Hall, and Marshall.....all batting practice pitchers. They might have wanted Derek Lee to serve his suspension when they are playing the sisters of the poor right now.

Your Humble Correspondent said...

Yeah, the Brewers are dead, but you show that you don't follow the team for shit. Ben Sheets got hurt two days ago, and your lame post talks about him getting hurt is waiting to happen.

Yeah, the wait is over. Read a newspaper's sports page, and then impress us with your wit.

Lazy. Lame.

Anonymous said...

wow....you are a fucking idiot...let me get some of the stuff you're smoking...

Anonymous said...

This is the dumbest thing I've read since the guy that begged the Reds not to trade their strike out king, Big Donkey. The Cubs are still the Cubs. They'll find a way to screw it up. Jason Marquis? Do you not remember what happened the last time he was with the Cards in a pressure situation? Ryan Braun is hitting .349 the last time I checked. Hart is hitting .300 and had a 22 game hitting streak. They only have 1 everyday starter hitting under .260, with several above .280. The starting pitching is better than the Cubs'. The bullpen is WAY better than the Cubs'. As previously suggest, try actually being informed about a topic before you write about it.

Anonymous said...

The Brewers are an excellent, young ball club. But how can some of you guys be bashing the Cubs right now? They are the hottest team in baseball, winning games in almost every way possible.They have batting practice pitchers? All of our starters have an ERA under 4(besides Marquis who is 4.03). And Zambrano is finally back, and he's been at least as good as any pitcher in the majors the past month and a half. And who says that the Brewers are a better team? Yes, they have a better record, but who is leading the season series? I believe the Cubs are up 7-5? I may be off by a game.

Like I said, the Brewers have a great team, i just dont understand the Cub bashers. Good luck the rest of the way.

KP said...

No mention of Hart, Fielder, Braun, Gallardo, Estrada, Turnbow, Villanueva = no credibility.

If you think the Cubs can maintain the current hot streak, you're delusional. Brewers win the central by 15 games.

Anonymous said...

Cubs have a bunch of batting practice pitchers- with sub 4.00 eras!

Milwaukee morans.

Anonymous said...

Wow, if only the Brewers had this kind of support when the Cubs were in town. You can soapbox all you want about how good your overachieving team is, but we all know that if they were to meet in the playoffs the Cubs would have homefield in Milwaukee and Chicago.

And oh yeah. Did a Brewers fan make a comment about "the Cubs being the Cubs?" Because if that is the logic we're gonna use, pretty soon "the Brewers will be the Brewers" and not even get televised locally.

So enjoy your 3.5 game lead over the Cubs "batting practice pitchers." I'm sure that Cy Young hopefuls Bush, Vargas, Suppan, and Capuano will be absolute pillars of strength and consistency down the stretch.

Anonymous said...

Also, didn't "batting practice pitcher" Rich Hill one-hit the Brewers in Milwaukee earlier this season? I recall something along those lines taking place.

Anonymous said...

I love comments that contradict themselves. If you assume that Marquis is going to return to his normal crappy form, then you should probably assume that your players playing way above career avg's will return to their norm aka Hardy, Braun, and Hart. Not to mention the rookie wall.

So enjoy it Brew Crew, but don't be suprised when you're hanging your hopes on Favre in October and trying to figure out how you finished 3rd in the Central.

And then enjoy the '08 season when expectations are soaring and you somehow finish behind the Pirates because your rotation is overrated and fragile and your line up was a bunch of one hit wonders.

And by 2009 everything will be back to normal and you will once again be irrelevant with a slugging first baseman and an oft injured "ace".

Shawon said...

I like the Cubs v Brewers rivalry. Since the brewers have arrived to the NL, each year the series are quite close and fun. Hopefully it becomes a hated rivalry.

Anonymous said...

Okay, number one, right at this moment, the Brewers have had a ONE game lead over the Cubs for a while so therefore, the comment of the Cubs being in first place in a couple of weeks was irrelavent. Number two, Ryan Braun has been consistent in batting, so anyone saying that he won't be consistent is really dumb. Number three, the Cubs at this moment have lost their hot streak seeing as they have lost i think 4 games in a row. I know the Brewers have lost 4 games in a row too, but we weren't on a hot streak. Just face it, the Cubs aren't gonna take the spotlight and won't be the NL Central leaders. The Brewers are a good team that actually does get along unlike one ball club we know, the Cubs.

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