Monday, July 16, 2007

The Brewers Are Still Doomed



Have you ever eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup while sitting on the toilet? It’s an interesting experience to say the least. The sweet, chocolate, peanut-buttery taste caresses your taste buds in their succulent awesomeness, but because of the look of the candy and the place you’re sitting, the thought never leaves your mind that “Oh my God, I think I'm eating a giant sample of stool!” That’s basically how I feel about the 2007 Milwaukee Brewers. It might look and taste good, but after thinking about it, things go downhill pretty quickly.

The positives about these guys are the platitudes: “They play the game the right way,” “they have a lot of youth and enthusiasm,” “the game comes easy to them,” etc. Have you ever actually looked at the way their lineup is constructed? The starting pitching is not that great, and wunderkind Ben Sheets is still an injury waiting to happen. After one more ten strikeout game his arm is bound to explode. Ace-closer Francisco Cordero has been among the NL’s best this season, but this is the player who made a Howard Hughes style meltdown in Texas look like cold feet before marriage. Before you know it, the guy will be blowing saves, throwing up like Willie Beaman in the bullpen before games, and keeping his urine in plastic bags.

"It’s the wave of the future"

The hitting is not much better. JJ Hardy has been playing over his head for a while now, and is due for a regression. Do you really thing he’s going to hit 35 HR’s, and have a slugging percentage around .500? There is no chance the 2nd coming of Alex Rodriguez could play in Milwaukee-- it’s seriously not possible. Besides, the guy is basically the Brady Quinn of professional baseball. Is this the kind of dude you’d really want your team to rely on down the stretch? And speaking of “stretching,” “closing windows”, and JJ Hardy, let’s just say that the one in the upper-deck isn’t the only chute that Bernie Brewer is sliding around in.

“Oh my God you guys, I think I’m getting a clue!”

And speaking of horrific regressions, how about 3B, SS and OF Bill Hall? It seems like last year was the serious aberration, and this season is indicative what Hall can do. This guy’s strikeouts make Mike Cameron look like Tony Gwynn, except thinner and not nearly as black. Not to mention that by the time Hall is finished getting worse, the guy’ll be playing in AAA, and will have by that time committed a fantasy baseball holocaust not even the owners of Andruw Jones have ever seen.

If these things happen (and the way things have gone for the Brewers and their fans, they must) then the team’s division rivals are bound to overtake them eventually. Although it’s generally not a good idea to count on the Cubs for anything other than national embarrassment, the 300 million dollar men are starting to come around as of late, and are only about four games back in the division standings. In addition, the computer projections have always like the Cards in this division, and if Albert Pujols makes up for the time that was lost earlier in the season, and the Rick Ankiel experience gives the team a Josh Hamilton-level boost, then the NL Central crown will be ripe for the picking.

Time to face the facts—the Brewers are doomed. The club right now is hanging by a thread, and is probably a Paris Hilton hookup away from all out implosion. They might have tasted pretty good at first, but all you’ve really been eating is a nice chunk of feces. It might have taken a little longer than I originally projected, but the season is over nonetheless. Enjoy watching the playoffs at home once again, gentlemen, and please watch where you eat.

Too weird not to post.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow that is an argument that only looks at the factors that affect it. You seemed to have left out Ryan Braun, and Corey Hart, who both are playing extremely well and have helped carry the brewers this year. You just seem to me to be a guy who looked at the Brewers in the standing and said wait that is not right. Then you managed to create an argument based on the only 3 players you are aware of. Watch a game jackass.

Andrew said...

Wow. East Coast Comedy deigns to visit the flyover states again and touch us with their comedy gifts. What did we do to deserve such gifts?

Are you lonely, sir? Do you need somebody's hate to make you feel like you exist? Do you need vitriol to make you feel alive?

I'm only too happy to help.

The positives about these guys are Prince Fielder. 30 Homers? All-Star starter? Your NL MVP at present?

Then there's Ryan Braun. In 6 weeks, he's gone from his debut to breathing down Hunter Pence's neck for NL Rookie of the Year. He might even go 25-25. But clearly, you haven't heard of him. You're trying to make us sit back and enjoy the crazy.

And look at Corey Hart. He's the fastest tall guy in baseball. And he's also been crushing the ball. Is your leadoff hitter 6'6"? No! You're jealous of Milwaukee's leadoff man.

And yeah, he did use "Sunglasses at Night" for Walk-up music and march in a parade with Hillbilly Jim. He's awesome.

But no. You let your shitty comedy and desire to be Will Leitch in the worst way obscure your view of the awesome Brewers.

And really, Center Field doesn't need Ken fucking Griffey Junior at his peak to win either. An Aaron Rowand level of skill gets it done if there's talent at other spots.

AND HOLY FUCK SON, THERE IS!

I hope you feel like a man today that you got such a rant out of me, Slick. I hope you see this and say "Hey! I'm noticed! I'm hated!" And you go home and fuck your girl or your boy, whatever keeps your boat afloat. And I hope you get that signed photo of Will Leitch to wink at you in the moment of climax. I really hope you have a good day.

Because then maybe you'll actually make an effort to be funny next time instead of just being a lazy scatalogical version of Gregg Doyel.

SlickBomb said...

Andrew,

That is the finest rant I've ever seen against anything I've written, and your delicate prose has touched my tender heart. Bravo, sir.

And as much as I adore Will, he's way too Hollywood for my tastes. I want to be the next Mike Lupica!

Mike, in case you even happen to read this, I'm here waiting, and I'll always love you.

Unknown said...

This was the stupidest thing I have read all MLB season. First of all. Hall had been playing better before going on the DL injuring his ankle trying to rob a HR. Second, you ignored our two hottest players, Braun and Hart who coming into the season were not regular starters. Next, you left off how awesome Turnbow-Cordero have been in the 8-9 role. didnt even mention super rookie Gallardo either

what a fucking terrible post. cant believe TheBigLead linked to this crap

Anonymous said...

lol. funny stuff

Anonymous said...

Uh oh, you've upset the fat people.

fitz said...

corey hart is a good player, but he's also coming back down to earth. do you really think he and ryan braun will both have 9 HR months for the rest of the year? the brewers are a good team, and if there was about a month left in the year, they might be able to hold on. can they hold on for about another 70 games, though?

also, i tried to think of a joke about how me giving ben sheets the finger could possibly help what ails him, but i couldn't think of anything good.

Aaron said...

Yeah, the Cubs with that fricking awesome bullpen and starters such as Jason Marquis, Rich Hall, and Marshall.....all batting practice pitchers. They might have wanted Derek Lee to serve his suspension when they are playing the sisters of the poor right now.

Your Humble Correspondent said...

Yeah, the Brewers are dead, but you show that you don't follow the team for shit. Ben Sheets got hurt two days ago, and your lame post talks about him getting hurt is waiting to happen.

Yeah, the wait is over. Read a newspaper's sports page, and then impress us with your wit.

Lazy. Lame.

Anonymous said...

This is the dumbest thing I've read since the guy that begged the Reds not to trade their strike out king, Big Donkey. The Cubs are still the Cubs. They'll find a way to screw it up. Jason Marquis? Do you not remember what happened the last time he was with the Cards in a pressure situation? Ryan Braun is hitting .349 the last time I checked. Hart is hitting .300 and had a 22 game hitting streak. They only have 1 everyday starter hitting under .260, with several above .280. The starting pitching is better than the Cubs'. The bullpen is WAY better than the Cubs'. As previously suggest, try actually being informed about a topic before you write about it.

Anonymous said...

The Brewers are an excellent, young ball club. But how can some of you guys be bashing the Cubs right now? They are the hottest team in baseball, winning games in almost every way possible.They have batting practice pitchers? All of our starters have an ERA under 4(besides Marquis who is 4.03). And Zambrano is finally back, and he's been at least as good as any pitcher in the majors the past month and a half. And who says that the Brewers are a better team? Yes, they have a better record, but who is leading the season series? I believe the Cubs are up 7-5? I may be off by a game.

Like I said, the Brewers have a great team, i just dont understand the Cub bashers. Good luck the rest of the way.

KP said...

No mention of Hart, Fielder, Braun, Gallardo, Estrada, Turnbow, Villanueva = no credibility.

If you think the Cubs can maintain the current hot streak, you're delusional. Brewers win the central by 15 games.

Anonymous said...

Cubs have a bunch of batting practice pitchers- with sub 4.00 eras!

Milwaukee morans.

Anonymous said...

Wow, if only the Brewers had this kind of support when the Cubs were in town. You can soapbox all you want about how good your overachieving team is, but we all know that if they were to meet in the playoffs the Cubs would have homefield in Milwaukee and Chicago.

And oh yeah. Did a Brewers fan make a comment about "the Cubs being the Cubs?" Because if that is the logic we're gonna use, pretty soon "the Brewers will be the Brewers" and not even get televised locally.

So enjoy your 3.5 game lead over the Cubs "batting practice pitchers." I'm sure that Cy Young hopefuls Bush, Vargas, Suppan, and Capuano will be absolute pillars of strength and consistency down the stretch.

Anonymous said...

Also, didn't "batting practice pitcher" Rich Hill one-hit the Brewers in Milwaukee earlier this season? I recall something along those lines taking place.

Anonymous said...

I love comments that contradict themselves. If you assume that Marquis is going to return to his normal crappy form, then you should probably assume that your players playing way above career avg's will return to their norm aka Hardy, Braun, and Hart. Not to mention the rookie wall.

So enjoy it Brew Crew, but don't be suprised when you're hanging your hopes on Favre in October and trying to figure out how you finished 3rd in the Central.

And then enjoy the '08 season when expectations are soaring and you somehow finish behind the Pirates because your rotation is overrated and fragile and your line up was a bunch of one hit wonders.

And by 2009 everything will be back to normal and you will once again be irrelevant with a slugging first baseman and an oft injured "ace".

Unknown said...

I like the Cubs v Brewers rivalry. Since the brewers have arrived to the NL, each year the series are quite close and fun. Hopefully it becomes a hated rivalry.

Anonymous said...

Okay, number one, right at this moment, the Brewers have had a ONE game lead over the Cubs for a while so therefore, the comment of the Cubs being in first place in a couple of weeks was irrelavent. Number two, Ryan Braun has been consistent in batting, so anyone saying that he won't be consistent is really dumb. Number three, the Cubs at this moment have lost their hot streak seeing as they have lost i think 4 games in a row. I know the Brewers have lost 4 games in a row too, but we weren't on a hot streak. Just face it, the Cubs aren't gonna take the spotlight and won't be the NL Central leaders. The Brewers are a good team that actually does get along unlike one ball club we know, the Cubs.

三重古天樂 said...

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2015/08/26

梁爵 said...

2020.05.06新冠肺炎疫情肆虐,由於先前有台北某知名酒店工作酒店女公關酒店S確診,因此指揮中心下令全台酒店上班暫時停業,連帶造成許多小姐生計出現困難。不過也正因為如此,大家開始討論八大行業酒店內秘辛、玩法、價位等等,一些不為人知的事情,浮上檯面;一名酒店小姐就分享,曾遇到狐臭味超重的客人。根據【酒店PT】鍵盤大檸檬網站真人真事,一名酒店打工酒店小姐因為經濟困難到酒店上班,卻遇上「超級狐仙」客人,對方味道濃醇不香,期間不斷手舉高、腋下對著她;回家洗澡完,她發現身上仍有客人的狐臭味,因此再次坐檯時,請求對方不要再點她檯了,結果男客居然犯賤,每回來都點她。隨著酒店停業,想必該位小姐暫時不會再被男客的狐臭味侵犯了。回顧先前本刊記者調查,台北市合法登記的酒吧及視聽歌唱等特種行業約30家,以每家平均40個包廂(桌數),單店每日營收60萬元至240萬元為計,停業一個月,損失最高飆破20億元,若計入不合法的地下酒店,損失將逾30億元。而有業者為了求生存,因此轉為「地下化」,更有酒店女公關轉戰應召市場,宜蘭甚至出現付1500元就能獲得全套服務亂象。目前台灣疫情逐漸趨緩,對於酒店何時解禁,中央流行疫情指揮中心指揮官陳時中表示,解禁沒有時間表,但只要大家願意好好配合,那開放的時間就越快。

梁爵 said...

2020.05.16酒店小姐的基本介紹跟工作內容如果妳沒有接觸過酒店這八大行業,【酒店經紀梁曉尊】我在酒店上班的日子相信包括妳在內,很多人對這行業的第一個想法一定是:「酒店裡面酒店小姐一定有S?一定是龍蛇混雜,裡面 八大行業是哪八種行業呢?的人都是黑社會吸毒!打架、暴力脅迫女生陪睡…」等等電視上看來的畫面。

梁爵 said...

2020.06.05酒店小姐的基本介紹跟工作內容前「5566」成員小刀(彭康育)近年來轉居幕後,擔任娛樂公司執行長,而他同時也是「台玻集團」的駙馬爺,怎料今(3)爆出他和一名正妹過從甚密,經過調查後,驚人發現這名正妹姓甘,是「我在酒店上班的日子酒店名花」花名Amber,不僅和小刀有曖昧,同時和某科技小開上演愛的親親,甚至時間點就在見完小刀之後的隔天。據《不敢來酒店上班-酒店打工的原因》報導,小刀5月1日開始進出Amber的家中,5月19日就被直擊開著白色座車,停進正妹位在內湖區的豪宅停車場,約莫一個小時之後,才取車離開,結果酒店上班-酒店兼職-兼差如何達成人生的第一桶金就在隔一天也就是5月20日,換成另一名小開送Amber回家,晚上11點Amber要下車時還捧著一大束的玫瑰花,接著小開拉下Amber的口罩,霸氣親了上去,但Amber不想直接被親嘴,最後小開只親到臉頰。報導指出酒店兼差不是一個複雜的工作環境?,這名小開是身價3、40億的科技少東,而Amber的同事則爆料,職場須知 【酒店PT 】Amber手腕相當高明,通常對象不會只有一個,還清一色都是多金男,不過Amber已經有半年時間沒到酒店上班,或許就是因為很多愛慕者都主動送金,才能住在豪宅裡,過著貴婦般的生活;報導提到,Amber所待的酒店,消費方式是以10分鐘為1節計算,1節155元上下,小框15節、大框50節,粗估一晚都要消費萬元以上。

梁爵 said...

2020.06.09酒店小姐的基本介紹跟工作內容台北市大安區忠孝東路四段一間我在酒店上班的日子酒店,凌晨3時許發生打架案,30歲張姓男子在酒店門口與人口角衝突,慘被打到頭破血流送醫,由於不敢來酒店上班-酒店打工的原因疫情期間,酒店採實名制,所有進出酒客都有登錄姓名,目前酒店上班-酒店兼職-兼差如何達成人生的第一桶金警方根據監視器畫面及酒店兼差不是一個複雜的工作環境?登錄資料,已鎖定涉嫌動手的兩名男子,積極追查中。
職場須知 【酒店PT 】事發沒多久,張男的友人一度帶約10名黑衣人重回酒店要討公道,要店家教人出來,警方獲報出動30名快打警力,由於現場並無過激動作,警方查抄資料後將這群人驅離,另為防再有意外,也加派警力在酒店外站崗以防滋事。
警方初步調查,張男與朋友到忠孝東路四段地下室的「香閣里拉」酒店消費,結束後友人先離去,最後上來的張男在門口嘔吐,遇上正要從酒店出來的另群酒客,雙方發生口角,隨即大打出手,張男疑遭對方持鈍器攻擊,被打倒在地,頭部有撕裂傷,救護車將他送醫救治,暫無生命危險。

梁爵 said...

2020.08.06【工作相關職場分享必看不敢來酒店上班-酒店打工的原因】就算是酒店應徵也是有求職陷阱的!梁小尊來告訴你。
【工作相關職場分享必看酒店小姐的基本介紹跟工作內容
很多女孩我在酒店上班的日子在網路PTT的疑問:我在Google上網搜尋有找到好幾家酒店在徵酒店助理,可是我一到現場的時候,他們卻要我做酒店公關的工作,讓我感覺得害怕,可是酒店兼差不是一個複雜的工作環境?Google搜尋網頁上面寫的薪水又很誘人,真的很想嘗試看看,但又怕被騙!有人可以告訴我,我該怎麼做嗎?
梁曉尊來幫你解答: 酒店小姐上班通常會取什麼名字?
網路上的應徵酒店助理都是噱頭而已,實際上他們要應徵的都是酒店公關,薪水也是想用高薪來吸引人家進來應徵而已,如果他們看到你,覺得外型不錯,就會開始跟你說做酒店公關的薪水會比較多,就會開始慫恿你做酒店公關,因為酒店最缺的還是小姐,至於其他職務的話,有可能也有缺…但是要看店家需要的人數跟目前還有沒有餘額,如果要應徵酒店類的工作還是打聽清楚會比較安全、比較保險。
酒店助理,薪水也大概在兩萬五左右,跟外面的助理薪水其實是差不多的,不會因為酒店是高消費的地方,所有職務的薪水都會提高。
再來普羅大眾網路PTT時常發問: 酒店小姐去酒店上班都一定要出場接s嗎?如果真的要應徵酒店小姐 有什麼要注意的?要如何保護自己?
當然有些女孩們,因為生活上某些因素,需要酒店小姐這份工作又擔心受騙!沒有方向可尋....
梁曉尊再教你另一種保護自己的方式: 透過Google搜尋酒店經紀的名稱,是否有相關事業! 。如果只是看到漂亮的網頁 ,但沒有任何內容也別輕易相信(因為很多不肖酒店人士,透過假網頁做非法之事)共同點 經紀人名稱Google搜尋不到,更沒有本人照片(女孩們千萬要特別注意)。

梁爵 said...

2020.08.10不敢來酒店上班-酒店打工的原因
一、酒店小姐的基本介紹跟工作內容酒店小姐的收入有多少?有急用可以借支嗎?
我在酒店上班的日子以一個〝單純〞陪酒的酒店小姐,一天的收入約3000~7000(不含小費)酒店兼差不是一個複雜的工作環境?除非有〝額外〞的服務,一天可以領到8000~20000 ,酒店小姐上班通常會取什麼名字?不建議去做〝額外〞的服務,違法的事還是不要去碰,出了事沒人可以保障妳的權益!
一般的經紀公司都是可以借支的,但一定要選擇借支免利息的經紀公司,才是正派經營的公司。專業的經紀公司在上班前會先幫你包裝,彩妝、造型、服裝、高跟鞋、化妝包、美姿美儀都會幫你打點好才去上班。這樣才是專業的經紀公司!
二、酒店小姐去酒店上班都一定要出場接s嗎?酒店有這麼多到底該去哪一間酒店上班才好?
保險經紀,是評估客戶的〝需求〞,為客戶規劃最〝適合〞的商品
酒店經紀,是評估小姐的情況、可以配合的尺度、店家的生意量,為小姐規劃最〝適合〞的酒店
酒店的類型有很多種,用心的經紀人會將各種酒店的上班方式,詳細的為小姐做介紹以方便讓小姐選擇最〝適合〞自己的店家對小姐來說,酒店不見得有所謂的好與壞,只有對那位小姐適合與不適合,慎選自己所能接受的、又能夠賺到錢的才是最重要的,假設一位外在條件普通小姐、到最高檔的酒店去上班會有競爭力嗎?所以在這種行業最重要的是跟一個好的經紀人!