Monday, July 16, 2007

I Am Bill James and I Am Smarter Than You



Greetings, fuckwits. You are all lucky enough to be in the presence of the most freakishly intelligent man in the history of professional baseball. I find your invitation to the Pasadena Shrine of the Eternals appropriate, and thus, I’ve decided to actually show up and do a little Q & A. It’s not quite the baseball Hall of Fame, but that will obviously come in time. My minions call me "The Sage of New Hampshire," and this gives me the right to pass on a hearty “fuck you” to Warren Buffet, "The Sage of Ohmaha." Whereas I’m the sage of my own state, he’s only a sage of a city, so I own his ass. What do you mean New Hampshire doesn’t count as a state? Lick my balls.

For years I’ve been saying things like “It’s entirely possible to be completely successful in the baseball business without ascribing to any of my work.” I, much like the vast majority my followers (just look on Internet message boards everywhere), am reversing this statement, and saying that it is total bullcrap, and anyone who doesn’t follow in-depth statistical baseball analysis should automatically lose the right to watch a game of professional baseball. I mean, why watch when you can't possibly understand everything what's going on? In some cases, said person should lose the right to breed, because he/she might have a son, and that would pervert this glorious eugenics of baseball I’m striving to achieve, here. Baseball is not for the plebs, people! It is for we happy few, we band of egg-heads, who have never played an ounce of the game professionally yet still by the light of our incalculable intellects, know absolutely everything there is to know. On to your almost certainly dumb questions.

What’s your opinion of Darin Erstad, and considering his track record with the Angels, isn't a player like that valuable on a championship team?

Haha. HAHAHAHA. BWAHAHAHA!! In the Dark Ages, hordes of roving barbarian Cossack tribes in what is now Southern Russia would conquer neighboring peoples, and in a fit of sport, would throw their infant children to hungry wolves and watch them be eaten. That’s what I’d do to Darin Erstad, if I had a time machine, which by the way, I’m inventing, and fuck you, it’s already patented, because it’s a motherfucking time machine. Darin Erstad blows donkey balls. He can’t hit, he can’t field, and he can’t play. And who gives a monkey-shit about how he “hustles” and “won championships”? I don’t know how many times I have to say this: if I can’t put it in a spreadsheet, dickhead, then it DOESN’T.FUCKING.EXIST.

Look where that little bitch is right now-- trying to avoid getting DFA’ed by the Chicago White Sox (or CHA for any of you non BP subscribing cock goblins). Any team that steals, bunts, and gives consistent AB’s to Scott Podsednik, deserves a punch right in the pussy. Darin Erstad sucks, he should die, next question.

Are you impressed with Brewers 1B Prince Fielder, and what does his progression mean for smaller market teams?

According to the tools that I invented (praise me) such as VORP, RCAA, Win Shares, and other super-cereal-statistics given by me solely to the Boston Red Sox to be unleashed like a tactical nuclear warhead, I can tell you that Prince Fielder is the best overall player in terms of everything, relative to cost. Yea and what else is new? What this means for smaller market teams is that it is time to stop spending big money on marquee free agents if your team is filled with a bunch of crap players. The only way to make your team succeed is to undergo a harsh rebuilding process where nearly each and every one of your core players is acquired through the draft. What if you can't draft, or afford the outrageous signing bonuses top picks get nowadays? Too bad bitch. Now, this rebuilding typically takes around five years, and by that time your fans will either be gone, rooting for the Yankees, or giving their energies to a different sport, but how is that my fucking problem exactly? I just make the rules, if you don’t like the way how they’re used, then tough testicles. After all, the best part about sitting in an ivory tower is pissing on the people below you.

Mr. James, you’ve never apologized for your criticisms of the Dowd report, despite Pete Rose proclaiming his guilt and affirming everything written in its findings. Don’t you think that as one of the leading voices in baseball theory, you have an obligation to speak your piece on a corrupting influence in the game?

No comment, next question, and fuck you.

Horrors of horrors, the New York Yankees haven’t won a World Series in seven whole years. Isn’t it better to let A-Rod opt out, and try to rebuild the team around pitching and defense? The guy isn’t at all clutch!

I remain unconvinced about the theory of “clutch” and it’s usefulness to baseball analysis. But what I do know is that you are a drooling, dribbling, retard. According to my statistics (again, praise me) Rodriguez is the best all-around player in the game. Consider that with the dollars Texas has contributed, and Rodriguez is a relative bargain for New York. There are some indicators that in a short series, pitching and defense wins (the sample sizes are too small obvi), but your belief that the Yankees should rid themselves of their best player in order to achieve this is somewhere between the stupidest idea that’s ever defiled the sanctuary of my glorious mind, and guganuafia’a, which is stat-speak for “you are a dumbshit.” But sure, fuck it, boo the fucker and drive him away. It makes my job a hell of a lot easier.

In closing, I’d like to thank Pasadena, but truly, I am already an “Eternal.” It was a nice ceremony, with balloons and sangria, but I was expecting something more… regal. After all, I am the father of statistical baseball analysis, the most important man in baseball, and (according to some people) the finest living being on the planet. Armchair net jockeys everywhere use my teachings like a voodoo talisman against any who would dare say that it's important to steal when the team can't seem to score. I’m like Kim Jong Il from the North Korean perspective, except I look like the gay guy who won the 1st Survivor competition. Next time, I hope you change your veneration practices accordingly, and try hard not to be so stupid.

204 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 204 of 204
ugg sale said...

It is far from only most respected to be particularly significant in top, but highly durable as effectively.ugg classic cardy. The GHD straighteners uses the ionic tourmaline technology; which also goes for each and every other item getting constructed by the business. ghd straighteners uk.For people in the hunt for high quality straighteners, this flat iron produces superior results for all hair textures; regardless of what the ailment is.pandora beads.A negative been making use of recognized quality GHD straighteners supplements have spoken of how sturdy they may be. Examples of the favorite characteristics of any of their brands contain; bad ion therapy, earthernware removing iron, distinction heat range control, strong ceramic heater, and other.ghd straighteners uk. You should buy single and commence to appreciate an array of superior attributes becoming savored by other users more or less anywhere. The selling prices are cost-effective, and it is particularly possible to get some special discounts in most stores. Decide to purchase 1 these days and see points for oneself!

咪摩兔 said...

酒店經紀
票貼
借錢
二胎
酒店

wedding flowers said...

To select from is indeed significantly wide that you will find elaborate jewelry designs in addition to elegant and straightforward designs. pandora.Buying clothes for comfort can also be yet another practical factor. However, we have a pre-conceived notion that comfortable clothes are not usually stylish and cause you to be appear cool. pandora uk.Positive thing there exists Ed Hardy Clothing. These clothes, although stylish, come in lightweight and comfortable material - permitting individuals to move freely. pandora. A person word of advice-I would prevent acquiring any specific silver jewelry that's not sterling. Pandora Jewelry. Repelling any terrible ingredient during the heavy snow as well as nippy wind, it keeps toes warm along with dry anytime all through winter. ghd sale.Necklaces who have similar sized beads work effectively on tall women and chokers help decrease each side height. ghd straighteners.It truly is accurate cheap Ugg Boots provide method aficionados terrific in addition to broad possibilities to spice up their shows. rrncluding a white and pink compact mirror.ugg boots sale.Longer necklaces aid lengthen each side round or square faces.wedding rings Furthermore they add length when worn beneath the bust-line but above the waist.

三重古天樂 said...

酒店經紀 酒店小姐 酒店經紀公司
台北酒店工作 台北酒店經紀人 酒店兼差 酒店兼職 酒店公關 酒店上班 台北酒店上班 酒店打工 酒店工作內容 酒店pt 台北酒店 便服店 禮服店 酒店 酒店工作 酒店上班時間 酒店上班薪水 酒店上班內容 現領 當日領
打工兼職 打工兼差 酒店營業時間
酒店經濟 酒店面試

酒店經紀 酒店打工 酒店工作 酒店上班 酒店兼差 酒店兼職 打工兼差 打工兼職 台北酒店 酒店應徵 禮服店 酒店 經紀 打工 兼差便服店 台北酒店經紀 酒店薪水 酒店工作內容 酒店時間 酒店經濟 美式餐廳 台北咖啡廳 永康街咖啡廳
2015/08/26

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 204 of 204   Newer› Newest»