In case you didn’t know (and if you’re reading this site, it’s impossible that you do not) Deadspin, the Internet Walmart for all things involving “underground” and “sports,” has undertaken a massive, fantastic site re-design. As one of the oldest and most senior Deadspinners around, I thought I should give my expanded take. I absolutely love it! I also loved New Coke, the Sacagawea dollar, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and ESPN mobile, so maybe my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt. My main qualm is not that the ‘Spin fixed something that wasn’t broke, or forced a radical change on it's viewers without a hint of what was to come, it’s that it didn’t go nearly far enough! You don’t change a Michelangelo statue with a chisel-- you break out the fucking jackhammer. Here’s some ideas that’ll be sure to make everyone's Deadspin experience much, much better. Or at least more synergistic.
1. Since synergy with the Gawker Media Empire is already an obvious priority, why not bring on Commenter Executions, gay editors, and intrusive and potentially unverifiable athlete sightings? The sightings were a staple of site back in the day, and the KSK gay mafia can be brought in for the homosexual quotient. The site Executions on Deadspin have come far and few in between, and it could be seen as a real slap in the face to a person who was loyal to your brand and product, but hey, if it gets you past the post quota for the day/week, why not do it?
2. Smilies, smilies, and more smilies! People who actually use descriptive words to convey emotions are, by definition, ignorant morons. Let’s bring in smiley faces!
Better yet, let’s get those REALLY LOUD smilies that haunt the MySpace pages of America’s lonely. “HELLLOOOOO!” and “WHAT!” are sure to make everyone reading at work really know what site they’re viewing. Not only will it ratchet up ad revenue, it’ll bring in all those MTV-TRL viewers that might have been turned off by the commentariot’s initial salvo.
3. And speaking of the executed, this is already the Deadspin’s Vietnam, so why not bring back all the soldiers that were mentally unstable to begin with? Let’s resurrect Pot Roast n’ Gravy, TseTseFly, and Supermikes 1, 2, and 3. Will they bring anything to the table? Of course not! Did they ever? If “Embrace the Suck” is good enough for the US Marine Corps in Iraq, then it should be darn good enough for Deadspin.
Come on people, wasn’t it obvious this entire time that wholesale changes had to have been made? You might have thought Deadspin kicked ass and was totally sweet, but you’re just an ignorant prole who has no idea about the complex research and in-depth analysis that goes into running an intergalactic Internet media empire. The changes our favorite site has made have gone far, true, but obviously not far enough. Do what I’ve written here, and the advertising dollars will flow the pooty-juice on a sex-boat. Biggie might have said “Mo Money, Mo Problems” but he’s dead. How smart can he really be?
Make the Changes, Deadspin, and let our glorious revolucion continue. Vamanos!
UPDATE: The "Viva La Leitch" T-shirt is obviously from the outstanding 289 Designs. Buy his products immediately, if possible. Especially the Masshole shirt. Bonus points if you're not being ironic.