Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chan-ges!!


The nostalgia will fuck your mind.

In case you didn’t know (and if you’re reading this site, it’s impossible that you do not) Deadspin, the Internet Walmart for all things involving “underground” and “sports,” has undertaken a massive, fantastic site re-design. As one of the oldest and most senior Deadspinners around, I thought I should give my expanded take. I absolutely love it! I also loved New Coke, the Sacagawea dollar, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and ESPN mobile, so maybe my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt. My main qualm is not that the ‘Spin fixed something that wasn’t broke, or forced a radical change on it's viewers without a hint of what was to come, it’s that it didn’t go nearly far enough! You don’t change a Michelangelo statue with a chisel-- you break out the fucking jackhammer. Here’s some ideas that’ll be sure to make everyone's Deadspin experience much, much better. Or at least more synergistic.

1. Since synergy with the Gawker Media Empire is already an obvious priority, why not bring on Commenter Executions, gay editors, and intrusive and potentially unverifiable athlete sightings? The sightings were a staple of site back in the day, and the KSK gay mafia can be brought in for the homosexual quotient. The site Executions on Deadspin have come far and few in between, and it could be seen as a real slap in the face to a person who was loyal to your brand and product, but hey, if it gets you past the post quota for the day/week, why not do it?

Google Image Search for “Choire” gets you this. Scary!

2. Smilies, smilies, and more smilies! People who actually use descriptive words to convey emotions are, by definition, ignorant morons. Let’s bring in smiley faces!

Instead of seeing:


“ :) “


Let’s get a:



Better yet, let’s get those REALLY LOUD smilies that haunt the MySpace pages of America’s lonely. “HELLLOOOOO!” and “WHAT!” are sure to make everyone reading at work really know what site they’re viewing. Not only will it ratchet up ad revenue, it’ll bring in all those MTV-TRL viewers that might have been turned off by the commentariot’s initial salvo.

Seriously, this isn’t at all annoying.

3. And speaking of the executed, this is already the Deadspin’s Vietnam, so why not bring back all the soldiers that were mentally unstable to begin with? Let’s resurrect Pot Roast n’ Gravy, TseTseFly, and Supermikes 1, 2, and 3. Will they bring anything to the table? Of course not! Did they ever? If “Embrace the Suck” is good enough for the US Marine Corps in Iraq, then it should be darn good enough for Deadspin.

Come on people, wasn’t it obvious this entire time that wholesale changes had to have been made? You might have thought Deadspin kicked ass and was totally sweet, but you’re just an ignorant prole who has no idea about the complex research and in-depth analysis that goes into running an intergalactic Internet media empire. The changes our favorite site has made have gone far, true, but obviously not far enough. Do what I’ve written here, and the advertising dollars will flow the pooty-juice on a sex-boat. Biggie might have said “Mo Money, Mo Problems” but he’s dead. How smart can he really be?

Make the Changes, Deadspin, and let our glorious revolucion continue. Vamanos!



UPDATE: The "Viva La Leitch" T-shirt is obviously from the outstanding 289 Designs. Buy his products immediately, if possible. Especially the Masshole shirt. Bonus points if you're not being ironic.

57 comments:

Len Bias Cocaine Surplus said...

Can we bring back "I'm first" guy too?

bsanders37 said...

I don't think it's possible to sum up my own thoughts quite so well.

Anonymous said...

Un

Viewable

Anonymous said...

This is Supermike speaking (yes: 1, 2, and 3)

Hello from the beyond. Eat it.

I still read Deadspin and thoroughly enjoy seeing my name batted around by you losers all the time.

When I got booted it was because Rob Iracane wasn't doing his homework and basically fagged out. Here's his note:

Supermike,

I was offline for the first few days this week so I didn't get to
experience the craziness as it was going down. Whether or not you are
the one who started a fight or were the one who prolonged an argument,
you are ALWAYS in the middle of it, and it's making us all look like
boobs. The back-and-forth is really silly. It's bad enough that
Deadspin has devolved into a chatroom most of the day; the last thing
we need is a bitchfight every other post.

Take some time off for a bit. You have my email address. We'll talk
more later.

-Rob

i wrote him back to ensure him that i insist that he eat a dick. most retarded banning ever. craziness? i said to Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah (easily #1 retarded nickname - my favorite karate kid line is "honnnnkk!!") that he was a self-hating Boston fan and he perpetuated the Boston fan stereotypes. oh, i was wrong? yeah ok.

like you guys don't miss me? really. tell me more. for all y'all know (which ain't much) I am already back on there commenting. what do you think???

see you soon heheheheheheeeee.......

yankees suck.

Proverbial said...

Deadspin needs more supermike

Wanda (aka Metschick) said...

I agree. Yankees do suck.

(miss ya, Mike)

TheStarterWife said...

I know I am three hours behind, but how did you manage to get this post done so quickly?

Looks and sees if Rob I is looking

Hi Supermike

SlickBomb said...

TSW, when inspiration strikes, it strikes. Rumor has it Big Daddy Drew writes his best posts in under 10 minutes.

Anonymous said...

hello this, again, is supermike.

hi wanda (aka metschick), i miss you too.

i'm just upset that i get lumped in with guys who got banned for saying racist and inappropriate stuff. i never did that. all i did was get in arguements and rob's "note" explaining my banning... i mean "oh you're ALWAYS in the middle! you make us look like BOOBS!" what a girl. no offense.

and this is kind of a shot at everyone, no? "It's bad enough that Deadspin has devolved into a chatroom most of the day"

here's what I wrote back to Rob at the time when he said "Take some time off for a bit. You have my email address. We'll talk
more later.":

no, bro - that's it.

you were offline? nothing happened the first few days! i may ONE long comment and maybe one other one... directed at ONE guy - a guy who is constantly making violent and offensive comments including one "nigga" already this morning. he is always attacking me and i finally told him what i think about him.

check it out for yourself: http://deadspin.com/commenter/supermike2/

this is ridiculous dude. it was always a joke with everyone that i had been banned before (even though it wasn't Will who banned me) so i made it a joke by changing my name - i have no problem be self depreciating - i'm a humble dude who just likes to challenge people once in a while...

but this time the banning IS for real - and i won't be coming back to become more of a joke on your site. i know it's a priviledge to comment on deadspin but i could certainly spend my time elsewhere. apparently you guys didn't find me valuable at all. have fun without me - my TWO YEAR run is over. enjoy Get him a body bag, yeah! saying he wants to break people's arms and employ the "ground and pound" technique. that guy is a violent fucking steakhead.

good luck and bye.

LadyAndrea said...

*waves* Hi Supermike! I hope you're back on there commenting.

Slickbomb, rumor has it BDD does other things in under 10 minutes too.

Anonymous said...

hi, TheStarterWife.

Anonymous said...

hi Lady Andrea! this is supermike.

i still love you and miss you daily... mostly in the mornings right when i get up out of bed. in the shower sometimes on the T I think about you. send more of those special pics...!

i may be back on Deadspin already whonkows, but i certainly won't be back as "supermike" ever.

maybe i'll write you on myspace and tell you of a new secret identity? i know i can confide in you... seeing as though i have those pics as collateral. ;-)

Dweeze said...

Not that I comment much anymore (at least at Deadspin), but it's obvious that the site redesign was done to drive down web hits to make it easier on Nibbles.

And hi Supermike!

LadyAndrea said...

Shhhhh! Those were supposed to be a secret.

Anonymous said...

GHABB,Y! = EIU wrestling picketer?

CLARE. said...

"Ch-Ch-Ch-Chan-ges!!"

Turn and face the strange, indeed.

Anonymous said...

[This is probably not the most effective way to broadcast this, but I don't feel like trying to get a commenter account on Deadspin.]

To The Starter Wife (and the rest of your non-funny, deadspin as social network ilk):

It's really super neat that you can get members of the opposite sex to pay attention to you on an internet message board (which, thanks in some small part to you, the deadspin comments have become). You have never contributed a funny or insightful comment to the site. Perhaps trying to incite commentarial (commentlicious?) flirting is somehow empowering to you; if you need the attention that desperately, maybe MySpace is more your speed. But it fucks up a key component of a website that I used to enjoy a great deal more in the pre-KSK manifesto heyday of Larry Bird Flu. et al.

Please note that this is addressed not only to the female Tee-Hee Posters, but the male participants in the commentian flirting as well. You're all equally troublesome.

- Concerned deadspin reader.

Anonymous said...

this is supermike.

that last anonymous comment was NOT written by me.

i'm pretty sure Rob Iracane wrote it. he doesn't like commenters.

Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah! is an overweight tubesteakhead with a crush on the boys working at Dunkin Donuts. that is all.

gonzo said...

I have been booted from deadspin twice now. Nice work on the last on will "unable to authorize" is a nice little ploy. In any event I still read Deadspin daily and love it ( it is what gets me through the day). As far as the changes... as long as the content stays the same i'm cool. It's new and weird but in time it will be normal again.

Anonymous said...

hey concerned reader, eat it!

TheStarterWife said...

For the record, I have long said that I hate the "dating" aspect of Deadspin. I've stated this both publically and privately when people have asked me about it.

You can take that potshot at plenty of other people, but don't give that shit to me.

Feel free to email anytime if you think what I am saying it out of line "anonymous". stopkillinge@yahoo.com

TheStarterWife said...

And again, I've been around long before the Commentor/pre-KSK manifesto.

I'm not the one flirting. Period.

MoonshineMike said...

Concerned Reader,

Thanks for letting me know. I will know need to cancel my group video chat scheduled for later this evening.

(oh, how do you kids say it? a/s/l?)

The Secret Weapon said...

Slickbomb:

I can't express how proud I am that you chose one of my Deadspin comments as your blog's tagline.

I think I'll add it to my resume.

SlickBomb said...

Mr. Weapon, Deadspin posters write a lot of crap, and that Abu Ghraib jokes was probably the funniest I'd seen in all my years wasting time there. Perfectly describes my site here. Thanks for making the comment.

Anonymous said...

concerned reader hit this right on the head, the comments have just become unbearable making it past page one of the beckham shit

WE GET IT SKINNY ARMS, OKAY, WE GET IT, 80 fucking innane comments saying a different variation of the same shit, its RIDICULOUS, suss and a few others are essentially carrying that place

how you people revel in that smarminess is whats really the problem.

gj concerned reader.

Anonymous said...

deadspin died when supermike was kicked off. he was the most entertaining commenter on there... plus, handsome.

this is supermike, signing off.

Holly said...

The creepy LOOK AT ME-ness of a lot of the comments has actually driven a lot of girls AWAY from the social aspect of Deadspin, including yours truly, but to include TSW in that group is absolute lunacy. Get your facts straight.

CLARE. said...

Aw, Anonymous 9:02! When we get haters we feel like we've truly arrived as commenters and as bloggers. Thanks, honey.

Chris said...

Crazy, always enjoyed supermike. I hardly post Deadspin just because I rarely have anything to say which won't be drowned out by the 200+ post after me.

Also the new design sucks worse than Kip Wells.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the (alleged) non-Supermike Anonymous guy. The Starter Wife brings nothing to the table. All she wants to talk about is showing her boobs last year. She has never said anything funny or original in her life. I don't think you can include the other women in this though. Lady Andrea, Clare, and Texas Gal say some of the funniest stuff on there. It's obvious that if she was a guy, The Starter Wife would get run out of there in a day. I think the people just tolerate her because they want to see her boobs again.

Supermike - You are an asshole but Rob was totally wrong to ban you.

Anonymous said...

this is supermike. really. see? i don't use caps. totally me.

chris - everyone enjoyed me, its just that i intimidate some dudes (rob, "gabby", captain caveman, and other insecure small boys) so they push me out the door to talk about me, if they can. they know i'm going home with their dates if they let me stick around, so they take the opportunity to just get rid of me.

i actually brought alot to the table and put much thought into my comments. i challenged people there and they challenged me back. it was easy to see who was ganging up on me because they couldn't stand on their own (gay mafia). and those that jumped on the coattails of others because they don't have a prayer.

other anonymous dude says: Supermike - You are an asshole but Rob was totally wrong to ban you.

you are right, oad. i am an asshole AND i should not have been banned.

go tell retard iracane to beg me to come back. you guys need me. that place has devolved at an extraordinary rate. plus, "GABBY" is gay.

SlickBomb said...

This is awesome. It's like a real Deadspin thread. 32 comments and half of them by Supermike. At least in terms of length anyway.

Why-oh-why did they ever send you away??

sven said...

I'm really getting a kick out of the line "This is Supermike". It's almost as if it should be broadcast over a school's PA system.

other highlights:

"eat it"

"what a girl"

"i'm a humble dude who just likes to challenge people once in a while"

"Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah! is an overweight tubesteakhead with a crush on the boys working at Dunkin Donuts"

"everyone enjoyed me, its just that i intimidate some dudes (rob, "gabby", captain caveman, and other insecure small boys) so they push me out the door to talk about me, if they can. they know i'm going home with their dates if they let me stick around, so they take the opportunity to just get rid of me."


An impressive display of junior-high-ish smack talk.

LadyAndrea said...

Slickbomb, I agree. This thread is hysterical.

SlickBomb said...

Oops, trigger finger slipped. :)

MoonshineMike said...

I failed smarmy in high school.

So I stick to drinking.

P&G said...

TSW - don't listen to them. Listen to me. You need to focus on ruining your own blog and keep your self important ass off of Deadspin.

Rob is a fool. Gusy like Supermike built Deadspin. What the hell does he know?

Anonymous said...

sorry ladiesdotodootdot dotot dodtodototodtodtot but the thestarterwife IS terrible

Anonymous said...

This is all really confusing to me. Why is everyone ganging up on TSW? She's funny. All the time? Not necessarily, but what DS commenter is?

At any rate, the whole discussion re: TSW started with a diatribe about flirting in the comments. If you go back and read the comments on DS, you're more apt to see that from the other Ladies... than you are from TSW. But honestly, who cares? If you don't want to read it, skip over it.

Oh, and sidebar - Slickbomb, you are fabulous. And I mean that in the most non-flirtatious way. Just stating a fact.

throwbot said...

Seriously, why all the hate for TSW? Anyone who saw her video during the ladies takeover of KSK knows she's funnier and more original than most DS commenters. And certainly more original and funnier than these anonymous douchebags.

My Hero Zero said...

As an act of rebellion in my otherwise proletariate life, I pay my ESPN mobile account in Sackagawea dollars.

Basement Boy said...

People actually read the comments posted on these sites? What a bunch of fucking dorks.

SUPERMIKE4 said...

Where theres smoke theres fire. If this many people take the time to write about her then she must be pretty bad.
I saw her video and it looked amateurish. I don't read her comments though. I don't have time for whining.

Get Real said...

Suss can't wipe his own ass let along carry deadspin. His tired frat boy antics are trite and worn out.

Anonymous said...

I don't know that I think TSW is a pillar of deadspin; but she's none of the things she's accused of either.

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