Elijah Dukes Just Kicked Your Daddie's [Ass]

A masterful tidbit comes from the generally incorrigible Jon Heyman’s “Daily Scoop” yesterday:

And there's another more outrageous story going around about how one young Devil Ray peeked his head into the Twins' family room at the Metrodome after a recent victory at Minnesota and shouted into a room full of kids. "We just kicked your daddies' [ass]."

This is outstanding on so many levels it can hardly even be conveyed. First off, Heyman is too serious and SI a publication too venerable to ever write the word “ass” in one of their columns. Routinely posting pictures of hot women in nothing but body paint is ok, but expletives? Dr. Z would be rolling in his grave.

Regardless of anything, it is absolutely Elijah Dukes who went in and said this. Unverified, you say? Hearsay? Libel? Madness?? That’s what the Internt's for. After threatening to kill his wife and her kids, he’s probably not averse to getting in the sandbox with the tykes, and due to his immaturity and anger issues, it makes too much sense not to be true. What’s apparent is that the D-Rays are slowly but surely becoming the most hilarious team in the league.

Let us count the ways: Rocco Baldelli’s injury history is making Kerry Wood look like Nolan Ryan, Delmon Young has a budding criminal empire, the Scott Kazmir trade is still giving Mets fans nightmares, James Shields is on the verge of homicide because he’s stuck with this run support, and it’s possible they’re bringing back Jesse Orosco for some semblance of relief help. To top it all off, Elijah Dukes is the MLB’s version of Michael Vick, and this is no longer even disputable. The fact that the team as a whole is talking trash to the players children makes this even more outstanding, and is probably a page out of Mike Tyson's repartoire. I can see this spiraling out of control a la the Miami Hurricanes in the 80’s. Rampant criminality, traditionalists freaking out everywhere, elite play, a crappy stadium, and inevitably, military fatigues, rap videos, and murder. Will there be probation? Sanctions? Contraction? A banning of Rated R from the dugout? Almost certainly, and it's going to be great to watch. We are in the midst of a glorious future for MLB, and the first signs stemmed from Elijah Dukes saying “We just kicked ya daddie’s [ass]” to Torii Hunter’s kids. When this all finally happens, and at this point it must, you guys can all say Slick saw it coming from back in the day.

Not busted for dog fighting. Yet.

UPDATE: From my good friends at WithLeather comes the report that Dukes has fathered a child of a 17 year old girl. I'm guessing the Prophet might be more Marcus than Michael.