The Brewers Are Still Doomed

Have you ever eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup while sitting on the toilet? It’s an interesting experience to say the least. The sweet, chocolate, peanut-buttery taste caresses your taste buds in their succulent awesomeness, but because of the look of the candy and the place you’re sitting, the thought never leaves your mind that “Oh my God, I think I'm eating a giant sample of stool!” That’s basically how I feel about the 2007 Milwaukee Brewers. It might look and taste good, but after thinking about it, things go downhill pretty quickly.

The positives about these guys are the platitudes: “They play the game the right way,” “they have a lot of youth and enthusiasm,” “the game comes easy to them,” etc. Have you ever actually looked at the way their lineup is constructed? The starting pitching is not that great, and wunderkind Ben Sheets is still an injury waiting to happen. After one more ten strikeout game his arm is bound to explode. Ace-closer Francisco Cordero has been among the NL’s best this season, but this is the player who made a Howard Hughes style meltdown in Texas look like cold feet before marriage. Before you know it, the guy will be blowing saves, throwing up like Willie Beaman in the bullpen before games, and keeping his urine in plastic bags.

"It’s the wave of the future"
The hitting is not much better. JJ Hardy has been playing over his head for a while now, and is due for a regression. Do you really thing he’s going to hit 35 HR’s, and have a slugging percentage around .500? There is no chance the 2nd coming of Alex Rodriguez could play in Milwaukee-- it’s seriously not possible. Besides, the guy is basically the Brady Quinn of professional baseball. Is this the kind of dude you’d really want your team to rely on down the stretch? And speaking of “stretching,” “closing windows”, and JJ Hardy, let’s just say that the one in the upper-deck isn’t the only chute that Bernie Brewer is sliding around in.

“Oh my God you guys, I think I’m getting a clue!”
And speaking of horrific regressions, how about 3B, SS and OF Bill Hall? It seems like last year was the serious aberration, and this season is indicative what Hall can do. This guy’s strikeouts make Mike Cameron look like Tony Gwynn, except thinner and not nearly as black. Not to mention that by the time Hall is finished getting worse, the guy’ll be playing in AAA, and will have by that time committed a fantasy baseball holocaust not even the owners of Andruw Jones have ever seen.

If these things happen (and the way things have gone for the Brewers and their fans, they must) then the team’s division rivals are bound to overtake them eventually. Although it’s generally not a good idea to count on the Cubs for anything other than national embarrassment, the 300 million dollar men are starting to come around as of late, and are only about four games back in the division standings. In addition, the computer projections have always like the Cards in this division, and if Albert Pujols makes up for the time that was lost earlier in the season, and the Rick Ankiel experience gives the team a Josh Hamilton-level boost, then the NL Central crown will be ripe for the picking.

Time to face the facts—the Brewers are doomed. The club right now is hanging by a thread, and is probably a Paris Hilton hookup away from all out implosion. They might have tasted pretty good at first, but all you’ve really been eating is a nice chunk of feces. It might have taken a little longer than I originally projected, but the season is over nonetheless. Enjoy watching the playoffs at home once again, gentlemen, and please watch where you eat.

Too weird not to post.

Scott Boras Smokes Crack

Scott Boras, baseball super-agent for Alex Rodriguez, Barry Zito, and the soon to be free agent Carlos Zambrano, has a new idea that could have only come from the mind of someone using powerful and deadly mind expanding drugs. Some might say it’s strange for someone so rich and influential to be under the influence of such substances, but ever since Ed Muskie got all whacked out on Ibogaine in 1972, anything is possible in America if there is enough corruption involved. New York scribe Bob Klapisch describes the idea in depth: Expand the World Series to nine games, with two of the 1st nine games in presumably neutral grounds and warm-weather cities to enhance the stature of the game. This will give high-profile business types yet another glory-hole to suck-off their high level clientele.

First off, this plan is complete and total lunacy. Baseball is supposedly already planning on extending the playoff format to seven-game series in the division and championship series. Throw in an extra two games in a warm weather city will push World Series games deeper into November, which will make fantastic television when the Red Sox, Yankees, Cubs, (and if God is kind) the White Sox and O’s will be playing in the snow. Second thing, unless the games are played in outer-space, can there really be a neutral ground in baseball? A site like Florida has the Marlins and future powerhouse D-Rays, Texas has the Rangers, and even though no one in California takes baseball seriously, it’s still got three five teams in state. If the Braves play the Tigers in Miami, who is going to have more fans in attendance—the team that plays a few hundred miles away, or a team that plays in the city that’s the US equivalent of Port-au-Prince?

Believed to be your average Haitian.
And do you know what’s worse outside of this general insanity? It’s that the doddering old nincompoop Bud Selig is actually taking the time to humor him. In case everyone didn’t already know, the labor-vs.-management struggle that in many ways has been the history of professional baseball, makes the mass genocide between the Hutus and the Tutsis look like a skirmish between the Hatfields and the McCoys by comparison. This is the guy who has been drastically driving up the price of free agents for years, now has the ear of the principal negotiator for ownership? Bart Giamatti would be rolling in his grave.

Maybe Boras has his motives. Maybe he thinks that by expanding the stature of the Series it’ll make baseball more popular, his players higher in demand, and ere go, himself more rich. Maybe by playing a game always in Florida, teams can just transport a 600 pound (and by that time, client) Miguel Cabrera via semi-truck instead of a much more dangerous private jet. That’s an Aalyiah tragedy waiting to happen. But more realistically, Boras is smoking crack. Tina Turner said that crack was for poor people, but is there really any other explanation, here? Crack makes the mind feel crazy things—paranoia, mania, and fanatically greedy. All these were in play when he came up with this blasphemous idea. Lay off the crack Scotty, and our game will be just fine.

"Remember kids, don't smoke crack."

UPDATE: There are five California baseball teams: LA, San Fran, Anahiem, San Diego, and Oakland/Freemont. Thanks to Ben, Rob I., and the people who e-mailed.

White Sox Fans-- Your Season is Over

After getting swept by the hapless Cubs, reports are beginning to surface that a fire sale is now being planned for the Chicago White Sox that’ll make the Reds yearly reach-around look like the Mulder-Haren trade, as yet another season ends in ignominious failure. While some bastions of support still exist (generally within the prison population of Illinois) it’s understood that when your club is only a game and a half up on the Kansas City Royals, it’s time to give up the ship. This is a welcome development for most baseball fans, because despite winning a World Series in 2005, the Southsiders haven’t exactly become America’s team.

Outside of Internet phenom Jim Thome and the ever entertaining Ozzie Guillen, there isn’t a lot to like with this brand of White Sox. Ever since Jose Contreras was reunited with his family and was placed in a lower-pressure environment, the guy lost a lot of his good story and drawing power. Any team that values Scott Podsednik can’t be taken seriously, and the media blow-ups the team’s General Manager has with past players leave a bad taste in viewers’ mouths, since the world will remember Frank Thomas long after Kenny Williams is dead. Injuries abound with the 2007 club, and while almost none of it could have been planned or corrected, these kinds of things don’t happen to the Dallas Cowboys of the world. Unless of course you’re Michael Irvin.

This one goes out to Lt. Winslow.
The fact is, outside of a banner World Series victory in recent memory, the White Sox are probably one of the most wretched franchises that’s ever graced the national pastime. Before an 88 year championship drought was extinguished, they were even more pathetic than the Red Sox, but with far worse press coverage. Really, outside of providing misery for their own followers and fodder for the fans of other teams, the most notable thing about the CHW’s were those uniforms with the shorts, which were also some of the historically bad variety. Just like Rutgers football really has no place in the pantheon of great college teams, the White Sox don’t probably belong in the list of great teams and perennial contenders along with the Yankees, Red Sox, Cardinals, A’s, and Dodgers. Ere go, this team was doomed from the start—it was written in the stars.

Now, does this mean things can’t get better? In a macro sense, yes. But good trades of essentially the entire team could put the White Sox in prime position to repeat some semblance of their 2005 success, provided the Twins, Indians, Tigers, and Royals, all get progressively worse as the years go by, and that has a pretty good chance of happening, right?

…………NOT!!

It’s time to revel in glorious schadenfreude, and outside of watching (VaJay)Jay Mariotti poking White Sox fans with a stick through his gilded cage, the greatest thing about the early demise of the White Sox are the wailings of the insidious Ken “the Hawk” Harrelson. If you are a person who believes in “goodness” and “truth” then Harrelson is almost certainly the Joesph Goebbels of a Major League Baseball organization. Not only during his announcing is he out-and-out rooting for the Southsiders, he tells outright lies to keep the fans entertained. Seeing Iraqi Information Minister Harrelson do the play-by-play for one of the league’s worst teams will bring delight to the millions of viewers who can actually see WGN.

Congratulations to the 2007 Chicago White Sox. For about the first month of the season, you guys hung in there pretty well. Unforunately, this would not be the case throughout the rest of the baseball year. The new rallying cry of your team will now be “Let’s not be worse than the Royals.” It’s an accomplishable goal, I think. Probably more so than winning another World Series this century, anyway.

“He Gone.” And by this I mean “traded.”

Messin' with Texas

Even someone who delights in the misery of others would feel the slightest touch disheartened for Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks (pictured above). In a league where most owners run their clubs with the business acuity of a 3rd world kleptocrat, Hicks has done everything in his power to win. He’s overpaid for high-level free agents (Jose Canseco, A-Rod, Eric Gagne), he’s developed talent via the farm system (Hank Blaylock, Ian Kinsler, Michael Young), and regardless of anything he does, the team has gotten almost entirely and consistently worse. You have to chuckle to keep from hysterically laughing.

I don’t know if you guys know how completely screwed Texas is. Rookie manager Ron Washington, less than a half-season into his tenure, is on the verge of an outright player rebellion, the likes and haste of which hasn’t been seen since the days of Buck Showalter. Mark Texiera, a cost-controlled perennial all-star, and the best 1st basemen in the American League, said that he would like to leave Texas to go play in his home state of Maryland. Do you have any idea how messed up a franchise must be to have its best player rather be in Baltimore? Have you seen The Wire? I don’t have the statistics on me, but I’m pretty sure that the crime and violence there are comparable only to present day Baghdad. And don’t even get me started on their baseball team. Baltimore’s, not Baghdad’s.

Google image search of “Baghdad baseball.” Very strange.
Whatever, the fact is, poor Tom Hicks has gotten some pretty bad advice from some pretty stupid people over the past ten years, and that’s what is holding his team back from dominating one of the generally weaker divisions in baseball. So Tommy, if you can hear me*, here’s how to fix the Rangers. Consider me a consultant, minus the whole 10,000 dollar fee.

1. Rid Baseball of Jon Daniels

Currently in the Gaza Strip, internal strife between rival Islamic militants from the Fatah and Hamas political parties have taken up the practice of throwing their rivals off the roofs of buildings. Hicks might do well to follow their example with his own General Manager Jon Daniels, who in three years has had the worst GM tenure this side of Dave Littlefield, with the Carlos Lee fiasco being perhaps the final infamy. Since life is really an interactive cartoon, Daniels won’t die, but he’ll certainly be injured enough to leave the club, and won’t degrade any other clubs with his presence. Then again, if you want to be sane about the whole thing, Hicks can just fire Daniels and attempt a blackballing, but that’s boring, and is certainly more so than watching the current Rangers.

This might be a good one.

2. Firesale

This is probably happening any day now, but should be re-emphasized. Guys like Kenny Lofton and Eric Gagne can help a team win now, and can be traded to truly desperate teams for a king’s ransom. Now is your turn to find out who you can screw.

3. Draft 50 pitchers

The Rangers have zero viable starting pitchers. There are 50 rounds in the MLB draft. Ere go, Texas should draft 50 pitchers, and the 1st 20 rounds should be used on hard-to-sign prospects. Prep phenoms Rick Porcello and Matt Harvey were both available to be taken in the 1st and 2nd rounds for the Rangers, and they chose to let them slide. Keep this in mind 3-4 years from now when they’re cost-controlled and causing damage. Remember kids, the slotting system is for cowards and poor people—pay the young guys handsomely.

4. Spend, spend, spend on starters.

This is where Hicks can really shine. An old southern investment banker, this bastard has money to burn. 18 Million for Carlos Zambrano? 20 Million for CC Sabathia? 25 Million for Johan Santana? Why not all three! Starting pitching has been the Rangers’ Achillies heel for years, and along with drafting pitchers every pick for a few years which ought to wield maybe one or two viable starters, and those that don't might be pretty solid bullpen arms. That seems to me like a pretty good club.

Now, there are other sundries that could help. Bringing in Chuck Norris for promotion would make a fine one. Regardless, I hereby end the season of the 2007 Texas Rangers. They tried out some interesting ideas in the pre-season, had a nice run of it for about the first four games. Enormous size is apparently a big deal in Texas, but the size the steak of consecutive seasons with the playoffs not made is probably not seen as a positive. Make the right moves, spend those Texas dollars, and the club will be a lot less funny. It might lead to some very big things.


* From the outstanding musical “Tommy” by The Who. And if you try any of that Abbot and Costello routine on me there will be trouble.

No More Tommy John?

This is pretty remarkable. According to an article in the NY Times, therapies are being developed with stem cells from umbilical cord blood that can erase the need for Tommy John Surgery. Injections of primitive stem cells done on rats to repair ligaments and tendons by one doctor has been deemed successful. Good enough for me! Supposedly the technology to do something like this is 3-5 years away. This means that Dontrelle Willis will pitch in the future. Prior and Wood will not.



Seriously Dontrelle. Beat the rush… get TJ surgery now.

Let’s think about this.

The technology works in rats.
Randy Johnson is the most rat-like player in MLB.
Ergo, this technology will work in Randy Johnson.

It is logical.

The ornery old SOB can pitch until he’s 80! I mean, the NL West is where careers go to die, right?* More on this later. Regardless of anything remotely sane, questions abound from this technology. Whose to say that someone just injects the stuff in the arm at the start of the season to keep themselves from tiring? If you can grow new ligaments, why not get TJ surgery with brand new ligaments when you’re like 9 and then throw 105 mph for the rest of your life? Aren’t these all performance enhancing drugs??? The best thing about this series of tubes called the Internet is that it’s the only place where we can anonymously scream at each other about matters such as these that will never even remotely concern us. You know, unless you’re Curt Schilling. Who was teammates with Randy Johnson! Kevin Bacon that, people.

No sir, not at all homoerotic. Not one bit.

*Also see Bronx, New York 2003-2006.

The End of a Hilarious Era

Attention all Cubs fans—your chances of actually winning a world series this year have gotten infinitesimally better! Even if the odds are only going from one-in-a-billion to one-in-a-million, considering the ignominious history of the northsiders, I’d say that’s cause for celebration.

Ahhh… this just never gets old

Because you see, former Houston dynamo (pun intended) Wade Miller has beat out Mark Prior for the 5th spot in the Cubs’ rotation. With Prior barely breaking 90 on the gun, doomed to start the season in AAA, and Kerry Wood (surprise!) once again on the DL, it’s time to declare and end to the sometimes painful, but always hilarious, Wood-Prior era. Wood and Prior would be the goat-riding saviors who would take the Cubs finally to the promised land on their golden arms and youthful exuberance. And while youth is no barrier to great achievements, it’s still not a good sign when your manager stretches you out for games with 120+ pitch counts while your arm is yet to accrue the scar tissue necessary to withstand the wholly unnatural motion of pitching.


Daisuke Verducci Matsuzaka will still destroy you!! iddqd!

In closing, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, you provided a lot of hope to a lot of Cubs fans, whose dreams were all invariably crushed with your constant injuries (and now) general incompetence. For that, I salute you! MLB needs a good loser, and 1908 was such a long time ago. Enjoy your respective fades into bolivian.

Anna Benson… what a dame!

Dear Anna,

My love, there are some days that I feel sad that you’ve slipped into D-list obscurity. Out of all your measurable assets (read: size DD’s) the one that endeared us to you was all the moxie you carried in spades. Between your strange screeds at PETA (which were kind of awesome, in their own way), your ranting on Kris’ trade to the Orioles, and your warnings to screw entire baseball organizations to keep your husband faithful, it makes me yearn for times past when your photos and sound bites were in greater supply. You might never be boring; Anna, but you’ll always be a classy dame.

.....................NOT!

Seriously, as hot as you are, your style of attention whoring belongs back in the strip club where you came from. Just because you're hot doesn’t mean it gives you the right to sound off on anything that enters your vapid head. Because that means that we all have to pay more attention to you. The side benefit of seeing you in skimpy outfits isn’t worth the trouble. After reading this foolishness, I’m going to have to blast you for your own good.

Anna: “The Mets lost (a chance at winning) the World Series because of a little red dress. That doesn’t bother me. That should bother them.”

Darling, reality check time-- The guy who got you off the pole… well… he’s just not a very good pitcher. Besides, the reason why the Mets lost the NLCS last year wasn’t because of the pitching. Quite the opposite, really: the pitching was actually ok. For some reason, David Wright and the gang couldn’t figure out Jeff Weaver or Jeff Suppan. Not to mention this is pretty much a moot point considering Kris was out for the season with a torn rotator cuff. By the way, it’s not like this sort of injury wouldn’t have happened had he been pitching in New York—it’s a rotator cuff, it’s not like he was jacked by an extra from The Wire.

Anna: “They got a bleeping bag of balls for Kris. They didn't get [expletive]. Julio Jorge and John Maine. They traded a number one stud pitcher who was 30 for at the time, and they blame the red dress."

-and-

Anna: “The Mets lost (a chance at winning) the World Series because of a little red dress. That doesn’t bother me. That should bother them.”

John Maine in 2006 was better than Benson was in 2005. Jorge Julio (not Julio Jorge for those keeping score at home) was a solid bullpen arm for a team that didn’t have many. Most experts decided that the O’s got raped on that trade worse than Marcellus Wallace did by the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Judging by 2006, they were right.

My mother said to pick the very best one and you are not… it

Also, you self absorbed little trollop, maybe Mets GM Omar Minaya liked Julio and Maine more than he liked your hubby. Maybe he didn’t want some crazy big-tittied ex-stripper to be a team distraction. Maybe in an effort to further Latinize Los Mets he wanted to get rid of all the white people. Or maybe, assuming if Kris did indeed cheat on you, he didn’t want you to bang every member of the Mets organization and give them all Chlamydia. Whatever his reasons, Minaya made the trade to make his team better, not because you let your massive jugs hang out of some sexy dress. The lesson, as always, is: "You can’t turn a ho’ into a housewife, ho’s don’t act right."* And that your boobs are still splendiferous, as evidenced below...





Like big bags of... sand

Sorry for the tough love, Anna. Remember-- girls can never be too pretty, too thin, or too QUIET. Try to stay that way.

XO,


Slick

Hat tip: AOL's Orioles Sportsblog

*From Ludacris’ Ho. We actually voted this as our prom song back in High School, but “apparently” the “school” thought it was “inappropriate.” "Apparently" the "women" at the "prom" would be "uncomfortable." Fucking assholes. What the fuck do they know??