The Brewers are Doomed

Surprise, bitches. After what can liberally be called the 1st half of the season, the Milwaukee Brewers are atop their division for first time since Micheal Jackson was black. The Brewers’ history since then has been one of ignominious failure, losing most of their games with remarkable frequency. They’ve come around of late, due to some deals that have made the 2003 Curt Schilling hose job look like No! No! Nanette*, and the rest of the division (read: Cardinals! Cardinals! Cardinals!) being the poster children for organizational dysfunction.

This is sort of cute, because the Brewers really barely even qualify as a major league franchise. They play in the National League, which in some eras has been grounds for contraction. Their mascots are on par with most minor league teams, the slide is beyond kitschy, and has any prominent recent major leaguer even been the best player on the Brewers? Richie Sexon doesn’t count, and Roy Oswalt is better. Also, do we need to even get into the Mr. 3000 debacle? No other team would be comfortable being associated with such a travesty, but the Brewers felt right at home. The entire back story for the movie was that the Brewers were even historically bad, and they still said “ok?” Anything for publicity, right Uncle Bud?

At least it was better than Pride
Such a joke of a franchise can’t possibly be successful for this long, so naturally they’re doomed. Ben Sheets is bound to get re-injured sooner or later. Rickie Weeks, the second coming of Gary Sheffield, is going to start airmailing throws over 1st in no time. Eventually their players will become old enough to drink and all hell will break loose, with a sex boat cruise that makes the 2005 Minnesota Vikings look like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in comparison. This is so obvious, it’s barely even a story.

Immerse yourselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka

The real story will be what Bud Selig will do when the Brewers begin to falter. Will there be instant Vince Mcmahon-style rule changes? Sausage races counting as runs?** The infield fly rule extending to the 1st and 3rd base crowds? Sending in Bill Alphonso as the special guest umpire? The question is not will this happen (it must) but how hilarious will it be? Selig has always struck me as a feckless, doddering old coot, whose dealings with the steroids controversy reminds one of the Iran hostage scandal, but with far more disastrous global consequences. Bud should get his Vince on-- it’s not like his legacy can get any worse. All things considered, it’ll probably end up saving (at least in terms of entertainment) what will eventually become yet another lost season for the Brew-Crew.



*Nice job on that one, Joe Garagiola. It only cost you your reputation and career.
** This will, of course, have either the Pirates or Cubs re-sign Randall Simon. But considering the direction of those teams at this point it’s probably to be expected.

UPDATE: No comment from the peanut gallery?

Heee’s Backman!!

You guys remember Wally Backman, right? Backman was the skipper for the Arizona Diamondbacks for about seventeen minutes. Now he’s back on the bottom, looking to work his way back up to the top. Once the ‘Backs* started digging around in Wally’s past, a few things became apparent, which lead to his eventual firing:

1. He had an arrest record which included counts of domestic violence offenses.
2. He’d been nailed for a DWI, which probably means he’s an alcoholic.
3. He’d filed for bankruptcy.

This is cause for firing, how exactly? How many broke former players out there love to slap wives and get wasted? Precisely? I’d say all of them. Backman wasn’t a superstar. He was a grinder. Sometimes, the stress of a long day gets to a grinder. He’s sore from a ten-day road trip, the eight prescription strength anti-inflammatories are making a little blood come out of his stool, and then his wife starts giving it to him for not spending enough time with the kids. Can you really fault the guy for giving the wife a slap? Sean Connery doesn’t!!** Besides, that little list of transgressions basically describes Kirby Puckett, doesn’t it? And they have him stuffed and under glass right outside the Metrodome. I heard it’s a striking thing to see. Horrifying, really.

Even the homeless are afraid.
Regardless, just because Backman hits the sauce a little too hard, and was unfortunate enough to get nailed by the cops before plowing into a tree doesn’t make him a bad baseball man. In fact, it probably makes him a great baseball man. When you’re the skipper of a young team like the ‘Backs, you’re not just looking for a guy who knows how to do a double switch, and someone who knows well enough to sit Chad Tracy in any and all circumstances. You’re looking for a leader who can teach about life. When Connor Jackson is hitting .320, putting spinners on the whip, and thinking about getting a gun for protection, Backman can be all like “Nah, man. Hove did that, so hopefully, y’all don’t have to go through that.” After all, you can’t spell Maybach without “Back.”***


I say this as a fan-- If he really likes the Jets, does that somehow make them less inferior?

The guy has won at every level, and God knows there are some awful skippers managing major league teams. Eric Wedge? Mike Hargove? You’re telling me Wally Backman would inspire less confidence then these guys? Please. Wally Backman can out-manage these drones while drunk and high off painkillers. Give the man a shot, baseball!


*D-Backs is a pain the ass to type. And isn’t simply saying “Backs” a lot easier to say? Isn't it cooler?? Besides, anyone who’s anyone knows there’s only one D-hyphen-anything in this country, and that’s D-troit. 8 Mile, bitches. Shady entertainment.

** Only because I love you:

*** Actually you can. Correctly.

No More Tommy John?

This is pretty remarkable. According to an article in the NY Times, therapies are being developed with stem cells from umbilical cord blood that can erase the need for Tommy John Surgery. Injections of primitive stem cells done on rats to repair ligaments and tendons by one doctor has been deemed successful. Good enough for me! Supposedly the technology to do something like this is 3-5 years away. This means that Dontrelle Willis will pitch in the future. Prior and Wood will not.



Seriously Dontrelle. Beat the rush… get TJ surgery now.

Let’s think about this.

The technology works in rats.
Randy Johnson is the most rat-like player in MLB.
Ergo, this technology will work in Randy Johnson.

It is logical.

The ornery old SOB can pitch until he’s 80! I mean, the NL West is where careers go to die, right?* More on this later. Regardless of anything remotely sane, questions abound from this technology. Whose to say that someone just injects the stuff in the arm at the start of the season to keep themselves from tiring? If you can grow new ligaments, why not get TJ surgery with brand new ligaments when you’re like 9 and then throw 105 mph for the rest of your life? Aren’t these all performance enhancing drugs??? The best thing about this series of tubes called the Internet is that it’s the only place where we can anonymously scream at each other about matters such as these that will never even remotely concern us. You know, unless you’re Curt Schilling. Who was teammates with Randy Johnson! Kevin Bacon that, people.

No sir, not at all homoerotic. Not one bit.

*Also see Bronx, New York 2003-2006.