Monday, July 23, 2007

Scott Olsen Was on COPS

Adventura Police Dept.

Some people don’t like the graveyard shift. They think the hours feel too long, and the wrong kinds of people are out this late at night. But you know, these are also the same kinds of people who don’t like Haitian gangs, Columbian drug smugglers, Mexican ex-pats, white-crazies, and underground street fights that may or may not be perpetuated by Kimbo Slice. It’s all part of the charm of Miami. Will Smith made that video, Colin Farrell made that movie. Miami can’t be that bad, I mean, Shaq’s here. I served with him once. How he passed the fitness test to become deputized I have no idea, because the man weighs nearly 400 lbs, but the fact that he’s participating and trying to make his community better gives me and the fellow officers a lot of respect for him and all the athletes in this area. Except for the Miami Hurricanes, of course.

(Pickup truck swerves into view)

Ten-twenty-two. It looks like we’ve got a violation here, 48 miles an hour in a 35. Most of the time that’s about par for the course, but this late at night, there’s probably some trouble going on. I’ll flash him and see what he does.

(flashes the siren, car continues at same pace)

Please be advised, we have a seafoam green Ford pickup, unknown make. Warrant search on license plate number is “B-O-N-U-Z-B-A-B-I.”

Well… he’s failing to stop, and whoops, just ran that stop sign. We might have ourselves a runner, here. Unit 64, requesting backup on possible DUI. Just ran a stop sign and is failing to stop. Also note the bumper sticker that reads “In one hand’s a baseball and in the other’s my cock,” which may be a violation of the decency statute, I’m not sure.

(Car travels a mile, and then stops, as the driver, Marlins pitcher Scott Olsen, gets out and sits in a white lawn chair)

Sir-- sir get up from that chair.

(belches) There a problem occifer?

Can I see some ID please?

What? I didn’t do nothin’. I came from work, got outta my truck, and now I’m sitting and enjoying this weather.

(checks over the ID) Ok. Did you see me trying to pull you over?

What? I didn’t see nothin’.

Did you see me try and pull you over?

I didn’t see nothin’. Look man, I’m just trying to live my life, ok? Just trying to live my life. I don’t come trying to live your life, don’t try to come live mine.

What have you been doing tonight?

I’m just shitting out… (snorts laughter) yea, I’m just sitting out enjoying thish nice weather.

Did you have anything to drink tonight, sir?


Did you have anything to drink tonight, sir?

Hell yea I some to drink. I just beat the fucking shit out of the Cincinnati Reds, and I think I have the right to celebrate.

Do me a favor please sir, stand up. We’re going to give you a field sobriety test. Uh, sir?

(Olsen collapses in a heap)

Sir, sir, you’re going to have to stand up if you want to take the test.

(stumbles up)

Alright, sir. We’re beginning the field sobriety test now. Please recite the alphabet backwards, starting from the letter Z.

Z-Y-X-W-T-U-Z Joe Girardi’s a fucking asshole, next time sing with me shitface. HAHAHAH!! (falls down laughing)

(rolls eyes) Alright, that’s a fail… now, phase two of the test, can you now stand on one leg for 30 seconds? Can you? No… no, sir, don’t go into the windup, and don’t start throwing imaginary pitches—sir? If you continue you’re going to have to do it again.

Those faggots wanted to trade me for Rocco Baldelli? Look who’s playing baseball now. Look who’s playing baseball now? Rocco Baldelli is a fucking pussy. Guy fucking… wouldn’t want to start for any team…

Looks like we’ll mark that as fail. Now sir, focus on me. Can you please follow this light with your eyes, and don’t move your head? Use only your eyes when following my flashlight. Ready? Ready? Begin… sir, why are you staring so hard at me?

I’m showing you my war face.

Excuse me?

This is the face I use when I’m going to war. This is my war face. This is the Game 7 World Series war face. This is "I’m going to fucking destroy you" war face, because there is no way in hell we are worse than the fucking Nationals war face, and I will not be relocated to Las Vegas, or Monterray, Mexico, because all of my shit is here and I don’t fucking want to go anywhere.

Uh, ten-twenty-two, we’re gonna need some more backup.

I’m not fucking going anywhere!!

Sir, I am going to place you under arrest for driving under the influence

No! Fuck you! I wasn’t even driving! I wasn’t even driving!

Sir, you have a right to take a breathalyser test…

Fuck you John Law! You’re on my fucking property, and you need to get the fuck out right now.

Sir, if you don’t start to calm down and submit to a test or arrest then we will have to taze you.

I will fucking beat your skinny ass like you are Sergio fucking Mitre if you get the fuck off my house right now!

We’re not on your house sir!

I will fucking use karate! I will fucking use my karate! (starts kicking at the police)

Taze him!


Hold him on the ground! Stop resisting! Taze him again.


Alright, cuff him up. Cuff him up. You got him? Alright, pull him up. Scott Olsen, you are being placed under arrest for driving while under the influence, and resisting arrest for said crime. You have the right to remain silent…


…anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, and if you can’t afford one, then one will be provided for you by the state…


Do you understand these rights?

..........I feel like Miguel Cabrera’s colon.

I’ll take that as a yes. Guys, take him away.

(Olsen is put in the back of a squad car and is driven off to the police station.)

That was just crazy. Absolutely just bizarre. I mean, I arrested Dontrelle a couple months ago, and it was nothing like this. The guy was respectful, nice even. I mean, he was sitting in a pool of his own urine, drenched in Boones Farm, and he was actually pulling sparks on the inside of the guardrail. But this was just crazy.

Just one more night in Miami.

Hat-Tip: S2N via WithLeather.


Pulp said...

That episode was awesome. But my favorite is still the America's Most Wanted where Lindsay Lohan and Maurice Clarett went on a coke fueled, 5 state killing spree.

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