On The Show

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2009-04-22T07:59:00.001-04:00

Go Away

2007-08-23T00:18:00.000-04:00

I post when I want to. Right I don't feel like working 14 hour days and writing at the same time. You don't like it? "Slick" my balls. Get it?

Emo Over Utley

2007-07-26T22:15:00.000-04:00

Do you know who I am? Of course you do. I’m the lead Singer of My Chemical Romance. I’m the pagan god of losers and emo fan boys everywhere. I write with oDDLy pLaCeD capital letters because it helps me identify with people who don’t know how to spell. I also can fuck any 13 year old in the country, and that’s girls are well as boys, because they think white hair and pseudo-satanic band outfits are sexy. They also think real bad asses like a 1980’s Motley Crue are macho dickheads, and naturally, I agree.

Are you feeling isolated? Are you feeling alone, angry, and afraid? You must have been a fan of Chase Utley, young friend, and that is why I am here. You see, when something so tragic happens in your life that you become a naked little ball of pre-pubscent emotion, that’s where I come in. I play my little guitar, I rock out in weird costumes, I wear eye shadow, and I make it all go away for that 3:53.

Your friends and family might stand there and mock you about Utley’s injury. They might say “it’s just a game” or “he’s just some player” or “fantasy baseball isn’t real,” but what you’re hearing is “stop wearing makeup, you look like a fairy” or “when you see these pictures 20 years from now, you’ll want to die of shame” or "I'm serious, it's still won't help you get laid." Those words hurt, and when you’re feeling like you do (or more accurately, like WE do) all you have in this world are feelings. Isn’t that what Descartes said? They teach that in 6th grade, right? No? Anyway, don’t be so sad about Chase. All we can do right now to get over this is lean on each other. Or commit suicide (and for that I recommend song three).

I feel really, really, really, rEaLLy bad actually for my Philly fans. The team is always having such bad luck. To tell you the truth, the majority of my fans are from Philly...for some reason, my band and I just make life easier for people who always lose. My advice? Just let it all out in one good cry, and while you’re at it, enjoy this poem I wrote while I try to escape the lewd advances of Hannah Montana. It’s totally already up on my MySpace and Xanga.

When the World Collapses
And the *Stars* FAll down
Then love’s the only recourse
To keep my feet on solid ground.

/emo
Mood: Depressed (obvi)

Scott Olsen Was on COPS

2007-07-23T23:01:00.000-04:00

Adventura Police Dept.
ADVENTURA, FL 3:40 AM

Some people don’t like the graveyard shift. They think the hours feel too long, and the wrong kinds of people are out this late at night. But you know, these are also the same kinds of people who don’t like Haitian gangs, Columbian drug smugglers, Mexican ex-pats, white-crazies, and underground street fights that may or may not be perpetuated by Kimbo Slice. It’s all part of the charm of Miami. Will Smith made that video, Colin Farrell made that movie. Miami can’t be that bad, I mean, Shaq’s here. I served with him once. How he passed the fitness test to become deputized I have no idea, because the man weighs nearly 400 lbs, but the fact that he’s participating and trying to make his community better gives me and the fellow officers a lot of respect for him and all the athletes in this area. Except for the Miami Hurricanes, of course.

(Pickup truck swerves into view)

Ten-twenty-two. It looks like we’ve got a violation here, 48 miles an hour in a 35. Most of the time that’s about par for the course, but this late at night, there’s probably some trouble going on. I’ll flash him and see what he does.

(flashes the siren, car continues at same pace)

Please be advised, we have a seafoam green Ford pickup, unknown make. Warrant search on license plate number is “B-O-N-U-Z-B-A-B-I.”

Well… he’s failing to stop, and whoops, just ran that stop sign. We might have ourselves a runner, here. Unit 64, requesting backup on possible DUI. Just ran a stop sign and is failing to stop. Also note the bumper sticker that reads “In one hand’s a baseball and in the other’s my cock,” which may be a violation of the decency statute, I’m not sure.

(Car travels a mile, and then stops, as the driver, Marlins pitcher Scott Olsen, gets out and sits in a white lawn chair)

Sir-- sir get up from that chair.

(belches) There a problem occifer?

Can I see some ID please?

What? I didn’t do nothin’. I came from work, got outta my truck, and now I’m sitting and enjoying this weather.

(checks over the ID) Ok. Did you see me trying to pull you over?

What? I didn’t see nothin’.

Did you see me try and pull you over?

I didn’t see nothin’. Look man, I’m just trying to live my life, ok? Just trying to live my life. I don’t come trying to live your life, don’t try to come live mine.

What have you been doing tonight?

I’m just shitting out… (snorts laughter) yea, I’m just sitting out enjoying thish nice weather.

Did you have anything to drink tonight, sir?

What?

Did you have anything to drink tonight, sir?

Hell yea I some to drink. I just beat the fucking shit out of the Cincinnati Reds, and I think I have the right to celebrate.

Do me a favor please sir, stand up. We’re going to give you a field sobriety test. Uh, sir?

(Olsen collapses in a heap)

Sir, sir, you’re going to have to stand up if you want to take the test.

(stumbles up)

Alright, sir. We’re beginning the field sobriety test now. Please recite the alphabet backwards, starting from the letter Z.

Z-Y-X-W-T-U-Z Joe Girardi’s a fucking asshole, next time sing with me shitface. HAHAHAH!! (falls down laughing)

(rolls eyes) Alright, that’s a fail… now, phase two of the test, can you now stand on one leg for 30 seconds? Can you? No… no, sir, don’t go into the windup, and don’t start throwing imaginary pitches—sir? If you continue you’re going to have to do it again.

Those faggots wanted to trade me for Rocco Baldelli? Look who’s playing baseball now. Look who’s playing baseball now? Rocco Baldelli is a fucking pussy. Guy fucking… wouldn’t want to start for any team…

Looks like we’ll mark that as fail. Now sir, focus on me. Can you please follow this light with your eyes, and don’t move your head? Use only your eyes when following my flashlight. Ready? Ready? Begin… sir, why are you staring so hard at me?

I’m showing you my war face.

Excuse me?

This is the face I use when I’m going to war. This is my war face. This is the Game 7 World Series war face. This is "I’m going to fucking destroy you" war face, because there is no way in hell we are worse than the fucking Nationals war face, and I will not be relocated to Las Vegas, or Monterray, Mexico, because all of my shit is here and I don’t fucking want to go anywhere.

Uh, ten-twenty-two, we’re gonna need some more backup.

I’m not fucking going anywhere!!

Sir, I am going to place you under arrest for driving under the influence

No! Fuck you! I wasn’t even driving! I wasn’t even driving!

Sir, you have a right to take a breathalyser test…

Fuck you John Law! You’re on my fucking property, and you need to get the fuck out right now.

Sir, if you don’t start to calm down and submit to a test or arrest then we will have to taze you.

I will fucking beat your skinny ass like you are Sergio fucking Mitre if you get the fuck off my house right now!

We’re not on your house sir!

I will fucking use karate! I will fucking use my karate! (starts kicking at the police)

Taze him!

BZZZTaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Hold him on the ground! Stop resisting! Taze him again.

BZZZzzttuwahhhh!!!

Alright, cuff him up. Cuff him up. You got him? Alright, pull him up. Scott Olsen, you are being placed under arrest for driving while under the influence, and resisting arrest for said crime. You have the right to remain silent…

DONTRELLE!!

…anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, and if you can’t afford one, then one will be provided for you by the state…

DONTRELLE!!

Do you understand these rights?

..........I feel like Miguel Cabrera’s colon.

I’ll take that as a yes. Guys, take him away.

(Olsen is put in the back of a squad car and is driven off to the police station.)

That was just crazy. Absolutely just bizarre. I mean, I arrested Dontrelle a couple months ago, and it was nothing like this. The guy was respectful, nice even. I mean, he was sitting in a pool of his own urine, drenched in Boones Farm, and he was actually pulling sparks on the inside of the guardrail. But this was just crazy.

Just one more night in Miami.

Hat-Tip: S2N via WithLeather.

The Best of the Internets

2007-07-18T09:44:00.001-04:00

Here at SlickBomb’s On The Show, I do other things than bash prospects, make fun of bad teams, and do impressions of front-office types. I also read message boards to near-obsessive levels, and I think now would be a good time to share some of the funniest lines, pictures, or avatars that populate the message boards of America’s baseball die-hards. You might say I’m being lazy, and I might tell you to kiss off. If WithLeather, Deadspin, and KSK can get by with purely commeting posts, then why can't I?

In part wakefield, mostly the problem has been the same all season: No clutch hitting. This team will not win this year w/o some sort of shake up -- SinCitySoxFan1978, Sons of Sam Horn.

Heh. I guess eight games up post All-Star Break isn’t nearly enough, then? When people call Sox fans neurotic barely-functional whackos, this is probably why.

Kyle Farnsworth- 101 MPH of pure dogshit. -- Tommy22, NoMass.org board.

Short, succient, to the point, and 100% correct. Just imagine if he was playing in right field.

-- JLaff, Athletics Nation.

Bwahaha. Picture’s worth a thousand words. Why Kendal is wearing a football helmet, though, I have no idea.

What do the Pirates have to lose? How about the rest of the fan base? -- Nathan, Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke?

Remember, kids. It can always get worse. You could be the Cubs!

those ankiel minor league stats almost make me cry... i say we bring him up, wait till some extra inning game when LaDuncs used all of our bullpen playing the matchup game then ask ankiel to throw a few innings instead of spezio and who knows, maybe the young ace returns... i'd say that would solve our pitching problem. -- all in the cards, Viva El Birdos.

Come on. If that’s not the funniest thing you’ve ever read then you haven’t been paying attention. A World Series win last year and these guys are STILL thinking Ankiel's the savior. This guy did a Mark Fidrych impersonation better than Mark Fidrych! Let the man hit!

-- Fat Vegas Alan, Red Reporter.

As if the State of Ohio didn't have enough to worry about already.

-- Rev HaloFan, Halos Heaven.

If Ervin Santana gets this kind of reaction, imagine the feelings about Bartolo Colon? You just can't trust a pitcher named after an excretion organ. That picture just slays me, no pun intended.

I've always thought Jose Valentin looks like a rapist. -- The Third Giles, Gas Lamp Ball.

Yes, yes, and more yes. Ladies in the bars of New York, when Jose Valentine offers you a drink, say you have a boyfriend and walk away.

That’s enough for me. Remember folks-- if you're saying something interesting on the Internet, then people will read it, and laugh either with or at you. Hopefully it's more of the latter.

I Am Bill James and I Am Smarter Than You

2007-07-16T22:19:00.000-04:00

Greetings, fuckwits. You are all lucky enough to be in the presence of the most freakishly intelligent man in the history of professional baseball. I find your invitation to the Pasadena Shrine of the Eternals appropriate, and thus, I’ve decided to actually show up and do a little Q & A. It’s not quite the baseball Hall of Fame, but that will obviously come in time. My minions call me "The Sage of New Hampshire," and this gives me the right to pass on a hearty “fuck you” to Warren Buffet, "The Sage of Ohmaha." Whereas I’m the sage of my own state, he’s only a sage of a city, so I own his ass. What do you mean New Hampshire doesn’t count as a state? Lick my balls.

For years I’ve been saying things like “It’s entirely possible to be completely successful in the baseball business without ascribing to any of my work.” I, much like the vast majority my followers (just look on Internet message boards everywhere), am reversing this statement, and saying that it is total bullcrap, and anyone who doesn’t follow in-depth statistical baseball analysis should automatically lose the right to watch a game of professional baseball. I mean, why watch when you can't possibly understand everything what's going on? In some cases, said person should lose the right to breed, because he/she might have a son, and that would pervert this glorious eugenics of baseball I’m striving to achieve, here. Baseball is not for the plebs, people! It is for we happy few, we band of egg-heads, who have never played an ounce of the game professionally yet still by the light of our incalculable intellects, know absolutely everything there is to know. On to your almost certainly dumb questions.

What’s your opinion of Darin Erstad, and considering his track record with the Angels, isn't a player like that valuable on a championship team?

Haha. HAHAHAHA. BWAHAHAHA!! In the Dark Ages, hordes of roving barbarian Cossack tribes in what is now Southern Russia would conquer neighboring peoples, and in a fit of sport, would throw their infant children to hungry wolves and watch them be eaten. That’s what I’d do to Darin Erstad, if I had a time machine, which by the way, I’m inventing, and fuck you, it’s already patented, because it’s a motherfucking time machine. Darin Erstad blows donkey balls. He can’t hit, he can’t field, and he can’t play. And who gives a monkey-shit about how he “hustles” and “won championships”? I don’t know how many times I have to say this: if I can’t put it in a spreadsheet, dickhead, then it DOESN’T.FUCKING.EXIST.

Look where that little bitch is right now-- trying to avoid getting DFA’ed by the Chicago White Sox (or CHA for any of you non BP subscribing cock goblins). Any team that steals, bunts, and gives consistent AB’s to Scott Podsednik, deserves a punch right in the pussy. Darin Erstad sucks, he should die, next question.

Are you impressed with Brewers 1B Prince Fielder, and what does his progression mean for smaller market teams?

According to the tools that I invented (praise me) such as VORP, RCAA, Win Shares, and other super-cereal-statistics given by me solely to the Boston Red Sox to be unleashed like a tactical nuclear warhead, I can tell you that Prince Fielder is the best overall player in terms of everything, relative to cost. Yea and what else is new? What this means for smaller market teams is that it is time to stop spending big money on marquee free agents if your team is filled with a bunch of crap players. The only way to make your team succeed is to undergo a harsh rebuilding process where nearly each and every one of your core players is acquired through the draft. What if you can't draft, or afford the outrageous signing bonuses top picks get nowadays? Too bad bitch. Now, this rebuilding typically takes around five years, and by that time your fans will either be gone, rooting for the Yankees, or giving their energies to a different sport, but how is that my fucking problem exactly? I just make the rules, if you don’t like the way how they’re used, then tough testicles. After all, the best part about sitting in an ivory tower is pissing on the people below you.

Mr. James, you’ve never apologized for your criticisms of the Dowd report, despite Pete Rose proclaiming his guilt and affirming everything written in its findings. Don’t you think that as one of the leading voices in baseball theory, you have an obligation to speak your piece on a corrupting influence in the game?

No comment, next question, and fuck you.

Horrors of horrors, the New York Yankees haven’t won a World Series in seven whole years. Isn’t it better to let A-Rod opt out, and try to rebuild the team around pitching and defense? The guy isn’t at all clutch!

I remain unconvinced about the theory of “clutch” and it’s usefulness to baseball analysis. But what I do know is that you are a drooling, dribbling, retard. According to my statistics (again, praise me) Rodriguez is the best all-around player in the game. Consider that with the dollars Texas has contributed, and Rodriguez is a relative bargain for New York. There are some indicators that in a short series, pitching and defense wins (the sample sizes are too small obvi), but your belief that the Yankees should rid themselves of their best player in order to achieve this is somewhere between the stupidest idea that’s ever defiled the sanctuary of my glorious mind, and guganuafia’a, which is stat-speak for “you are a dumbshit.” But sure, fuck it, boo the fucker and drive him away. It makes my job a hell of a lot easier.

In closing, I’d like to thank Pasadena, but truly, I am already an “Eternal.” It was a nice ceremony, with balloons and sangria, but I was expecting something more… regal. After all, I am the father of statistical baseball analysis, the most important man in baseball, and (according to some people) the finest living being on the planet. Armchair net jockeys everywhere use my teachings like a voodoo talisman against any who would dare say that it's important to steal when the team can't seem to score. I’m like Kim Jong Il from the North Korean perspective, except I look like the gay guy who won the 1st Survivor competition. Next time, I hope you change your veneration practices accordingly, and try hard not to be so stupid.

The Brewers Are Still Doomed

2007-07-16T00:01:00.002-04:00

Have you ever eaten a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup while sitting on the toilet? It’s an interesting experience to say the least. The sweet, chocolate, peanut-buttery taste caresses your taste buds in their succulent awesomeness, but because of the look of the candy and the place you’re sitting, the thought never leaves your mind that “Oh my God, I think I'm eating a giant sample of stool!” That’s basically how I feel about the 2007 Milwaukee Brewers. It might look and taste good, but after thinking about it, things go downhill pretty quickly.

The positives about these guys are the platitudes: “They play the game the right way,” “they have a lot of youth and enthusiasm,” “the game comes easy to them,” etc. Have you ever actually looked at the way their lineup is constructed? The starting pitching is not that great, and wunderkind Ben Sheets is still an injury waiting to happen. After one more ten strikeout game his arm is bound to explode. Ace-closer Francisco Cordero has been among the NL’s best this season, but this is the player who made a Howard Hughes style meltdown in Texas look like cold feet before marriage. Before you know it, the guy will be blowing saves, throwing up like Willie Beaman in the bullpen before games, and keeping his urine in plastic bags.

"It’s the wave of the future"
The hitting is not much better. JJ Hardy has been playing over his head for a while now, and is due for a regression. Do you really thing he’s going to hit 35 HR’s, and have a slugging percentage around .500? There is no chance the 2nd coming of Alex Rodriguez could play in Milwaukee-- it’s seriously not possible. Besides, the guy is basically the Brady Quinn of professional baseball. Is this the kind of dude you’d really want your team to rely on down the stretch? And speaking of “stretching,” “closing windows”, and JJ Hardy, let’s just say that the one in the upper-deck isn’t the only chute that Bernie Brewer is sliding around in.

“Oh my God you guys, I think I’m getting a clue!”
And speaking of horrific regressions, how about 3B, SS and OF Bill Hall? It seems like last year was the serious aberration, and this season is indicative what Hall can do. This guy’s strikeouts make Mike Cameron look like Tony Gwynn, except thinner and not nearly as black. Not to mention that by the time Hall is finished getting worse, the guy’ll be playing in AAA, and will have by that time committed a fantasy baseball holocaust not even the owners of Andruw Jones have ever seen.

If these things happen (and the way things have gone for the Brewers and their fans, they must) then the team’s division rivals are bound to overtake them eventually. Although it’s generally not a good idea to count on the Cubs for anything other than national embarrassment, the 300 million dollar men are starting to come around as of late, and are only about four games back in the division standings. In addition, the computer projections have always like the Cards in this division, and if Albert Pujols makes up for the time that was lost earlier in the season, and the Rick Ankiel experience gives the team a Josh Hamilton-level boost, then the NL Central crown will be ripe for the picking.

Time to face the facts—the Brewers are doomed. The club right now is hanging by a thread, and is probably a Paris Hilton hookup away from all out implosion. They might have tasted pretty good at first, but all you’ve really been eating is a nice chunk of feces. It might have taken a little longer than I originally projected, but the season is over nonetheless. Enjoy watching the playoffs at home once again, gentlemen, and please watch where you eat.

Too weird not to post.

Seattle Done Lost Its Mind

2007-07-11T23:29:00.001-04:00

According to the Seattle Times, the Mariners are set to sign Ichiro Suzuki for 20 million dollars over the next five years, signaling that after a few years of financial discipline and forward thinking, the financial baseball market has gone officially and completely insane. Keeping Ichiro around for the short-term should be a priority, but the long term ramifications of this deal make Alfonso Soriano’s mega-deal with the Cubs look like Frank Thomas’ year in Oakland by comparison. Seeing Garret Anderson, Bernie Williams, and Jeff Bagwell cripple around the bases in their twilight years hasn’t exactly inspired GM’s everywhere to give older guys big contracts, has it?

Despite a few inquiries to the contrary, Ichiro is a no-doubt Hall of Famer. 200 hits a season for 10 years would put him in the pantheon for the best pure hitters in the history of the game: Cobb, Gwynn, ####*, Aaron. But as much of a reputation as Ichiro has (and you basically have to have a rep to get away with using only one name) the guy isn’t the overall offensive weapon some folks make him out to be. He doesn’t get on base regularly, he doesn’t hit for power, really all he does is hit the ball well and generally keeps it in the park, and I’m under the impression that those kinds of guys don’t age too well.

Bagwell 2006: 0H, 0HR, 0RBI; $19,369,019 dollars.

Think about it, singles hitters rely so much on their speed—to stretch out a double from a hit that would ordinarily be a single, or beat out a bunt attempt or a chop over the mound outright. Without that speed, the 30 or so extra hits a year that turn into outs can take a pretty hefty toll on a batting average, and when you don’t hit for power or walk much to begin with… a team miiiight not want to give that guy big dollars until he’s nearly 40. Throw in what seems to me like a generally mediocre performance in centerfield this year, and this has Bernie Williams territory written all over it. This is not to say that Ichiro won’t be a productive player for the next few years, but for the next five? That gets a little iffy. Are the dollars that come in from Japan with Ichiro playing really enough to make up for a 20 million dollar below average player in 2011?

The real story out of all this is the coinciding bump free agents will get in salary once this deal’s done. With a slap-hitter like Ichiro making 20 million, what will this do to the rest of baseball salaries? 20 million for Torii Hunter? 25 Million for the atrocious Adam Dunn? 30 million for Carlos Zambrano? Don’t even get me started on what A-Rod will be worth. This all started when Omar Minaya gave 13 million to the rotator cuff formally known as Pedro Martinez, and with the contemptible Scott Boras having the ear of the commissioner, chances are it’ll only get worse.

Fans everywhere are getting screwed because of this deal, and not just because that little SOB Ichiro will be terrorizing the AL for the next half decade. The increase in player salaries across the board will mean that (a) Your favorite player will be leaving for bigger money than it takes to keep him and (b) When he signs that contact, he’ll be terrible by the end of it. You mean there’s a lose-lose situation in baseball that doesn’t involve watching the Home Run derby? Count me in! The baseball financial market’s officially done lost it’s mind. Time to ride the madness, watch the carnage, and just sit back and enjoy the crazy.

40 Million buys a lot of She-Males.

*Name redacted by order from Major League Baseball and its clubs.

Kevin McClatchy = Robert Mugabe

2007-07-09T21:41:00.000-04:00

In terms of generally every measure, be it wealth, influence, or happiness, almost every place on Earth has been made better by the natural wheels of the future that creates progress as a byproduct. In fact, there are few places on planet in this world that are demonstrably worse today than they were 30 years ago. However, arch-dictator Robert Mugabe’s Zimbabwe just so happens to be one of those places. The other is the baseball city of Pittsburgh, under the stewardship of CEO Kevin McClatchy. Now, you might read the post’s title and think that comparing a relatively benign executive to a murderous and possibly insane African dictator is the height of lunacy, but hey, crazy is what I do here at OnTheShow, and if you laugh at something horrible, it helps make the nightmarish reality of it all much easier to deal with. This reality being 14 losing seasons, of course. Let us count the transgressions against humanity!

Ignoring the pleas of fans = Massive Voter Suppression

Numerous petitions for new ownership = institutional election fraud

Trading Kris Benson = Systematic persecutions of homosexuals

Using tax dollars to build PNC = race-based farm takeover program

Causing a statewide increase in Phanaics = thousands of executions

Having to pay beyond top dollar for anything resembling a decent free agent = Weekly increases in inflation that’s risen to nearly 15,000 percent above the norm

The only accurate descriptions for each of these places are quaint little corners of Hell. The ‘Burgh has ugly women, crummy weather, the Amish, and 14 years of unabated losing. Zimbabwe has AIDS, malaria, widespread starvation, and unimaginable poverty. It’s my understanding that when faced with a choice between the two, most people would pick Pittsburgh, but they might have to think about it. Now, according to several sources, change is in the air. Mugabe is promising elections within the next two to four years, and Pirates CEO Kevin McClatchy has agreed to step down after this season. But then again, haven’t Mugabe apologists been saying the “old man” will eventually step down for a while now? The way the Pirates operation has shaken out, I can see McClatchy staying on while a replacement is found, then staying on for another season, then staying on indefinitely. If it works for 3rd world dictators after all, it’ll work for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The Randall Simon order came from on high

The baseball city of Pittsburgh and Mugabe’s Zimbabwe are some of the most wretched places to have ever cursed God’s Earth. The transgressions against their people are legion, and all stem from the leadership of the executive. The sooner these two are removed from their posts, the sooner their followers can enjoy living again, and move in a more positive direction. After all, Andruw Jones is a free agent, and the status quo hasn't worked out. They're bound to be interested, right?

Hey, what's another 14 years?

NOTE: If you’d like to make a contribution to the very generous causes of helping the people mentioned in this post click here. Or, you know, here.

It's Your Patriotic Duty to Watch Baseball

2007-07-04T07:53:00.000-04:00

July 4th is a celebration of our independence, and all of what is right in the United States. There are only two things that I can think of are quintessentially American. One is Jazz. The other is baseball. On this outstanding July 4th holiday, I hope that you are doing one of those things that isn’t lame. Catch you guys on the flip.

Grover's a Goner

2007-07-01T23:37:00.001-04:00

On Sunday, Mike Hargrove resigned as the Manager of the Seattle Mariners due to a “lack of passion” for the game, and an interest to spend more time with his family. OnTheShow interviewed high profile players on the club to gauge their reactions.

Jeff Weaver, SP – Damn brah, I’m so high right now. I think I just need to lay down and ish. What? Grover’s gone dude? No way, man. How can you not love it here? The coffee’s great, the music scene is so uplifting, and the local college has some of the best weed in the country. Whatever the reason, it can’t be my pitching, right? I’ve been on a roll this month, right? I don’t even know anymore, man.

Richie Sexson, 1B – Out of all the people I’ve been managed for (and believe me, there has been a few), Grover’s probably the only guy who’d call a hit-and-run when I was on 1st base. I’d be all like “Grover, the last time I successfully stole a base was in 1997.” Well, he said he “had a feeling about it,” and I guess he has a feeling about this play too. I just hope it works out better than that hit-and-run did.

Adam Jones, OF – Grover was the 1st manager I’ve ever had, so I’ll remember his lessons for the rest of my career, ya know? My favorite lesson was “use a different name when checking into a hotel.” I was in Tacoma playing in AAA, and after pickin' up some poonani, and I tried to check in as Adam Jones. Peoples start jumpin’ over tables for cover and shit. I was like “damn, yo, I ain’t Pac-Man!” but they wouldn’t listen. People started crying, begging for their lives and ish. Dudes started giving me their wallets. This one dude gave me a diamond ring he was smuggling up in his ass, and I was like “yo, son, I ain’t Pac-Man.” It’s like every black athlete with essentially no college education named Adam Jones is forever tainted because of this crackhead. If he goes to play the Seahawks in five years after he gets outta prison or whatever, I’ma beat his ass.

Shigeru Miyamoto, Nintendo – As Head Game Designer for Nintendo, Inc, I knew Hargrove-san, but only tangentially. I tried to create a baseball game using Hargrove’s exact managerial techniques, and it resulted in game with all-time lows in scoring. He would call bunts for Adrian Beltre, and would steal bases with Kenji Jojima. Everyone at Nintendo appreciated his years of service, but perhaps this is for the best.

Ichiro, OF – Manager Hargrove always managed with the warrior’s spirit, and tried his best to instill the spirit within all who played for him. However, his recent abandonment of our team makes us all question his teachings. A general who flees while his troops are still in battle is a coward of the highest order, and his family name will be forever stained. If he wishes to cleanse himself from this dishonor, he is welcome to take his own life via seppuku. Out of respect, I will allow him my sword for this task.

Sink the Ship Faster

2007-06-28T18:41:00.001-04:00

Andy Pettitte is saying the New York Yankees don’t “care” enough, Kyle Farnsworth is breaking things with practice bats, Scott Proctor is swearing at the media, and murmurs in the Yankee clubhouse say that Roger Clemens is missing the strikezone due to cataracts in his eyes, and forgetting pitch signs due to general senility. To put it mildly, the Bombers are facing an outright mutiny not seen since The Bronx Was Burning. Naturally, cackles of schadenfreude are heard from the usual suspects, but the question begs-- who is the savior who can bring the Highlanders back from the brink of elimination? What paragon of virtue and ability can rally the Yankee troops, and start a wild ride that will end deep into October with a World Series victory? Why, Shea Hillenbrand, of course.

Just when you think things have absolutely hit rock-bottom, Yankees GM Brian Cashman is apparently very close to agreeing to acquire the worst DH in the American League this side of Johnny Damon. Hillenbrand is a guy who:

1. Sucks, to put it mildly
2. Got in a fist fight with his manager
3. Wrote on the white-board of the Toronto locker room “The ship is sinking, play for your contracts.”

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the perfect guy to bring on when a ship actually is sinking! Before you know it, the media locust swarm will be crowded around Hillenbrand’s locker like flies are to feces, and the “Shea-Hey Kid” will be saying, candidly, how doomed the team really is. That'll be great for morale I'm sure. Also, as much as I’d like to punch Joe Torre in the face (and this year, the feeling has occurred more often than not) it’s not like I would actually do it. Hillenbrand would. We haven’t seen a Yankee geriatric go down in violence since Don Zimmer in 2003, and how did that work out?

Oh yea, like that.

I’m not very persuaded by the arguments that there are some players that just know how to “win.” But there are some out there that just know how to lose. This is a guy who has only once played on a team that’s finished the season with an above .500 record, and has never sniffed playoff baseball. Is that, keeping in mind the other flaws mentioned above, really the kind of guy a team would want in a foxhole during a pennant race? I’m certainly not a baseball player, but I sure as hell wouldn’t think so.

All is not great in Yankee land. The team is on the verge of ~~dropping three-of-four to~~ being swept entirely by the Orioles, A-Rod opt out talk is continuing to buzz, the bullpen is surrendering wins like they’re frog-blooded Frenchmen, and meanwhile in Detroit, Gary Sheffield is slowly earning the nickname “the 12th Street Riot.” However, there is still a lot of time left in the season, and former New York teams have done pretty amazing things in the 2nd halves of some baseball years. If the team acquires Shea Hillenbrand, however, then the fall of freaking Rome will pale in comparison to the circus of suck that will plague baseball's most expensive debacle until the end of their first season without the playoffs since 1994.

While we're at it, let's bring back Showalter.

Hat-Tip: The essential MLB Trade Rumors.
Snoozing Torre courtesy of nomaas.org.

It's Their Party and They Can Cry If They Want To

2007-06-28T10:10:00.001-04:00

My good friends of the KSK Gay Mafia are marking their one year anniversary together! If that's not just the height of Internet fabulosity, then I don't know what is. A year ago to the day, they all packed their bags up to San Francisco, got hitched, and launched their 1st ever post. Today, they're having a "stayed-together spectacular" celebrating how funny they all are. While most websites can't pull this off without being somewhat obnoxious, campy, pretentious, and self-congratulatory, isn't that what the gay movement in America is all about? Be sure to celebrate this fantastic occasion with other distinguished guests:*

1. Peter King's Famous Daughter, Mary-Beth King! A softball playing attendee at a liberal arts college would fit right in at an all gay party, despite the elephants in the room. MBK promises not to get too drunk, as not to give the mafia more ammunition.

2. Sex Boat Captain Fred Smoot, and his 1st mate, Dinari! Name not meant to be ironic, the golden couple helped launch Vikings fan Big Daddy Drew into Internet Superstardom (which in most quarters is a lot like being a prince in Hell).

Can the jokes, I am not the Flaming Redhead
3. Dr. Z! The Doyen of the Sports Illustrated Football Corps, Z is going at the behest of the flaming redhead. While things like "Young People" and "The Internet" are strange and frightening to him, expect Z to bash Art Monk about 3,000 times while he's there. The phrase "Eight Yard Hooks" will give Unsilent Majority the same reaction as a Hezbollah guerrilla staring at a stick figure of Mohammad, and that my friends, is high comedy.

4. Slayer! Not actually a death-metal band, this particular Slayer is the world championship pit-bull owned by Atlanta's own run-first freaknik, Michael Vick. Because he's worth nearly 100 thousand dollars, Slayer will be guarded by Vick-brother Marcus, who desperately needed a job. Why would an athlete worth millions in endorsements and NFL contracts participate in an activity that could ruin him financially? Because that's how you keep it real.

Yours truly will be there all day, and you should be to. I'll take this moment to present this toast: To the KSK Gay Mafia, more talent than Dead-On, more popular than Ladies-dotx3, you'll be always be the 1st Deadspin-spinoff in our hearts. And our bookmarks. And probably, our anuses.

Will there be gay club music? Fab-solutely!

*Guest list subject to change.

Scott Boras Smokes Crack

2007-06-27T23:21:00.000-04:00

Scott Boras, baseball super-agent for Alex Rodriguez, Barry Zito, and the soon to be free agent Carlos Zambrano, has a new idea that could have only come from the mind of someone using powerful and deadly mind expanding drugs. Some might say it’s strange for someone so rich and influential to be under the influence of such substances, but ever since Ed Muskie got all whacked out on Ibogaine in 1972, anything is possible in America if there is enough corruption involved. New York scribe Bob Klapisch describes the idea in depth: Expand the World Series to nine games, with two of the 1st nine games in presumably neutral grounds and warm-weather cities to enhance the stature of the game. This will give high-profile business types yet another glory-hole to suck-off their high level clientele.

First off, this plan is complete and total lunacy. Baseball is supposedly already planning on extending the playoff format to seven-game series in the division and championship series. Throw in an extra two games in a warm weather city will push World Series games deeper into November, which will make fantastic television when the Red Sox, Yankees, Cubs, (and if God is kind) the White Sox and O’s will be playing in the snow. Second thing, unless the games are played in outer-space, can there really be a neutral ground in baseball? A site like Florida has the Marlins and future powerhouse D-Rays, Texas has the Rangers, and even though no one in California takes baseball seriously, it’s still got ~~three~~ five teams in state. If the Braves play the Tigers in Miami, who is going to have more fans in attendance—the team that plays a few hundred miles away, or a team that plays in the city that’s the US equivalent of Port-au-Prince?

Believed to be your average Haitian.
And do you know what’s worse outside of this general insanity? It’s that the doddering old nincompoop Bud Selig is actually taking the time to humor him. In case everyone didn’t already know, the labor-vs.-management struggle that in many ways has been the history of professional baseball, makes the mass genocide between the Hutus and the Tutsis look like a skirmish between the Hatfields and the McCoys by comparison. This is the guy who has been drastically driving up the price of free agents for years, now has the ear of the principal negotiator for ownership? Bart Giamatti would be rolling in his grave.

Maybe Boras has his motives. Maybe he thinks that by expanding the stature of the Series it’ll make baseball more popular, his players higher in demand, and ere go, himself more rich. Maybe by playing a game always in Florida, teams can just transport a 600 pound (and by that time, client) Miguel Cabrera via semi-truck instead of a much more dangerous private jet. That’s an Aalyiah tragedy waiting to happen. But more realistically, Boras is smoking crack. Tina Turner said that crack was for poor people, but is there really any other explanation, here? Crack makes the mind feel crazy things—paranoia, mania, and fanatically greedy. All these were in play when he came up with this blasphemous idea. Lay off the crack Scotty, and our game will be just fine.

"Remember kids, don't smoke crack."

UPDATE: There are five California baseball teams: LA, San Fran, Anahiem, San Diego, and Oakland/Freemont. Thanks to Ben, Rob I., and the people who e-mailed.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chan-ges!!

2007-06-27T10:43:00.000-04:00

The nostalgia will fuck your mind.
In case you didn’t know (and if you’re reading this site, it’s impossible that you do not) Deadspin, the Internet Walmart for all things involving “underground” and “sports,” has undertaken a massive, fantastic site re-design. As one of the oldest and most senior Deadspinners around, I thought I should give my expanded take. I absolutely love it! I also loved New Coke, the Sacagawea dollar, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and ESPN mobile, so maybe my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt. My main qualm is not that the ‘Spin fixed something that wasn’t broke, or forced a radical change on it's viewers without a hint of what was to come, it’s that it didn’t go nearly far enough! You don’t change a Michelangelo statue with a chisel-- you break out the fucking jackhammer. Here’s some ideas that’ll be sure to make everyone's Deadspin experience much, much better. Or at least more synergistic.

1. Since synergy with the Gawker Media Empire is already an obvious priority, why not bring on Commenter Executions, gay editors, and intrusive and potentially unverifiable athlete sightings? The sightings were a staple of site back in the day, and the KSK gay mafia can be brought in for the homosexual quotient. The site Executions on Deadspin have come far and few in between, and it could be seen as a real slap in the face to a person who was loyal to your brand and product, but hey, if it gets you past the post quota for the day/week, why not do it?

Google Image Search for “Choire” gets you this. Scary!
2. Smilies, smilies, and more smilies! People who actually use descriptive words to convey emotions are, by definition, ignorant morons. Let’s bring in smiley faces!

Instead of seeing:

“ :) “

Let’s get a:

Better yet, let’s get those REALLY LOUD smilies that haunt the MySpace pages of America’s lonely. “HELLLOOOOO!” and “WHAT!” are sure to make everyone reading at work really know what site they’re viewing. Not only will it ratchet up ad revenue, it’ll bring in all those MTV-TRL viewers that might have been turned off by the commentariot’s initial salvo.

Seriously, this isn’t at all annoying.
3. And speaking of the executed, this is already the Deadspin’s Vietnam, so why not bring back all the soldiers that were mentally unstable to begin with? Let’s resurrect Pot Roast n’ Gravy, TseTseFly, and Supermikes 1, 2, and 3. Will they bring anything to the table? Of course not! Did they ever? If “Embrace the Suck” is good enough for the US Marine Corps in Iraq, then it should be darn good enough for Deadspin.

Come on people, wasn’t it obvious this entire time that wholesale changes had to have been made? You might have thought Deadspin kicked ass and was totally sweet, but you’re just an ignorant prole who has no idea about the complex research and in-depth analysis that goes into running an intergalactic Internet media empire. The changes our favorite site has made have gone far, true, but obviously not far enough. Do what I’ve written here, and the advertising dollars will flow the pooty-juice on a sex-boat. Biggie might have said “Mo Money, Mo Problems” but he’s dead. How smart can he really be?

Make the Changes, Deadspin, and let our glorious revolucion continue. Vamanos!

UPDATE: The "Viva La Leitch" T-shirt is obviously from the outstanding 289 Designs. Buy his products immediately, if possible. Especially the Masshole shirt. Bonus points if you're not being ironic.

White Sox Fans-- Your Season is Over

2007-06-27T00:10:00.000-04:00

After getting swept by the hapless Cubs, reports are beginning to surface that a fire sale is now being planned for the Chicago White Sox that’ll make the Reds yearly reach-around look like the Mulder-Haren trade, as yet another season ends in ignominious failure. While some bastions of support still exist (generally within the prison population of Illinois) it’s understood that when your club is only a game and a half up on the Kansas City Royals, it’s time to give up the ship. This is a welcome development for most baseball fans, because despite winning a World Series in 2005, the Southsiders haven’t exactly become America’s team.

Outside of Internet phenom Jim Thome and the ever entertaining Ozzie Guillen, there isn’t a lot to like with this brand of White Sox. Ever since Jose Contreras was reunited with his family and was placed in a lower-pressure environment, the guy lost a lot of his good story and drawing power. Any team that values Scott Podsednik can’t be taken seriously, and the media blow-ups the team’s General Manager has with past players leave a bad taste in viewers’ mouths, since the world will remember Frank Thomas long after Kenny Williams is dead. Injuries abound with the 2007 club, and while almost none of it could have been planned or corrected, these kinds of things don’t happen to the Dallas Cowboys of the world. Unless of course you’re Michael Irvin.

This one goes out to Lt. Winslow.
The fact is, outside of a banner World Series victory in recent memory, the White Sox are probably one of the most wretched franchises that’s ever graced the national pastime. Before an 88 year championship drought was extinguished, they were even more pathetic than the Red Sox, but with far worse press coverage. Really, outside of providing misery for their own followers and fodder for the fans of other teams, the most notable thing about the CHW’s were those uniforms with the shorts, which were also some of the historically bad variety. Just like Rutgers football really has no place in the pantheon of great college teams, the White Sox don’t probably belong in the list of great teams and perennial contenders along with the Yankees, Red Sox, Cardinals, A’s, and Dodgers. Ere go, this team was doomed from the start—it was written in the stars.

Now, does this mean things can’t get better? In a macro sense, yes. But good trades of essentially the entire team could put the White Sox in prime position to repeat some semblance of their 2005 success, provided the Twins, Indians, Tigers, and Royals, all get progressively worse as the years go by, and that has a pretty good chance of happening, right?

…………NOT!!

It’s time to revel in glorious schadenfreude, and outside of watching (VaJay)Jay Mariotti poking White Sox fans with a stick through his gilded cage, the greatest thing about the early demise of the White Sox are the wailings of the insidious Ken “the Hawk” Harrelson. If you are a person who believes in “goodness” and “truth” then Harrelson is almost certainly the Joesph Goebbels of a Major League Baseball organization. Not only during his announcing is he out-and-out rooting for the Southsiders, he tells outright lies to keep the fans entertained. Seeing Iraqi Information Minister Harrelson do the play-by-play for one of the league’s worst teams will bring delight to the millions of viewers who can actually see WGN.

Congratulations to the 2007 Chicago White Sox. For about the first month of the season, you guys hung in there pretty well. Unforunately, this would not be the case throughout the rest of the baseball year. The new rallying cry of your team will now be “Let’s not be worse than the Royals.” It’s an accomplishable goal, I think. Probably more so than winning another World Series this century, anyway.

“He Gone.” And by this I mean “traded.”

Your Favorite Yankee Prospect is Worthless

2007-06-25T23:55:00.001-04:00

For those don’t already know, I am a big-time Yankee fan. Huge, even. It’s why when I see my fellow fans saying or doing things that mind-bendingly stupid, I cringe and woefully acknowledge that, yes, perhaps a large portion of Yankee fans really are the delusional imbeciles that everyone claims them to be. Therefore, when I see a idea or statement that is so righteous in its woeful stupidity, I take this task of bitch slapping all the offenders back to Africa with a distinct pleasure, similar to the way a pimp does when he slaps around his ho’. I realize that this might hurt a tad, but fear not, you’ll all be better people after this thrashing.

The number of offenses are legion, but the most glaring one is the obsession with a little-known relief specialist named Colter Bean. Bean, an Auburn Tiger and Yankees draftee, has spent almost his entire career in service to the Yankees minor league system. Poor measurables such as a having no fastball, no movement on said fastball, no secondary pitches worth mentioning, and no knowledge of how to pitch, had the organization down on him, for very good reasons. After getting annihilated while pitching in brief stints in the majors, Bean was sent back down to AAA, probably to serve out the rest of his wholly undistinguished career.

In pro-wrestling, Bean would be called a "jobber." Jobbers were paid not to be the star attraction, but generally to put work in, lose, and make everyone around them look better. The pitcher's numbers against poor competition are good, true, but to a team competing for a World Championship, Bean is a worthless commodity and should probably have been released years ago. In fact, I say that he's less than worthless, because his very presence takes a spot away from a player who might actually help the major league club somewhere along the line.

However, delusional Yankee fans still flock to this guy, and treat him like he actually might be one of the answers to Yankees myriad of bullpen woes. He's not. "Free Colter Bean!" they cry. A website was made in his honor, which answers the age-old question “Is there really anyone out there dumb enough to fall for a pyramid scheme?”

A Bean defender might say “You realize you are deeming him worthless after only seven innings in the majors, right?” No.

He's worthless because he throws 85 miles an hour.
He's worthless because he's got a career ERA of 9.00 and a WHIP that's nearly 2.500.
He's worthless because Joe Torre abuses his relievers like they are insolent wives, and even HE won't use him.
He's worthless because people who know more in their little finger than you, I, or anyone including the so-called Internet experts know about the game of base-ball say he's worthless.

He's worthless because he was put up for grabs to any major league team when he was put on waivers, and everyone passed on him. The Texas Rangers, who are scouting little-league parent-pitch baseball games for anything remotely resembling a live arm, passed on Colter Bean. Just as a special exercise, they even opened up the waiver process to Japan-- no takers. The Dominican Summer League? No takers. Remember that story about the new Israeli baseball team? That team they're building in Israel? Bean's surname was shortened from "Beanowitz" when his parents came over from Ellis Island. He's eligible to play. The Yankees offered him up on waivers… even THEY passed on him.

Did you know that they played baseball the Planet Vulcan? It's not exactly fun, because everyone can read each other's mind, so the hitter knows what's coming. Games end up being like 100-97. However, they lack the strength human beings possess to throw a baseball faster than 70 mph. Even the Vulcans passed on Colter Bean.

Google Image Search for "Vulcan Baseball."

The only thing Bean needs to be free from are his delusions that he's a major league player. Perhaps he's just trying to collect a paycheck, and his supporters are the ones that are delusional. Lucky for all of you, Mr. Slick, in all of his infinite wisdom, is relieving you all from such vision. I am hereby ending the career (if you can call it that) of Colter Bean. Yankee fans-- he is not a savior. Fans of other AL teams-- he will not come up again, so quit waiting around like little kids on Christmas morning.

Colter, if you're reading this, in that demented attempt at the intellectual pornography called Google-scanning, you are hereby anointed by the High Priest of the Church of Matsuzaka, to quit the Yankees, and go teach gym. Outside of perverse schadenfreude-ian comedic value, enjoyed only by people whose grip on sanity is tenuous at best, you will not be missed. Hallelujah, and Amen.

UPDATE: The owner of FreeColterBean.com has expressed his thoughts on Bean in the comment section. Suppress your laughter accordingly.

Andruw Jones Ruined Your Fantasy Team

2007-06-25T00:11:00.001-04:00

No U can not has cheezburger.
With once again having a game where he’s struggled with his hitting, perennial Silver Slugger and 40-homer man Andruw Jones has officially fallen below the Mendoza Line, and committed against fantasy owners what can only be called, accurately and conservatively, a holocaust. According to ESPN.com fantasy services, Jones is owned in 100% of all leagues, meaning that not only does every fantasy baseball owner everywhere have Jones on their team, they are also being screwed by him. As is with every year, Jones’ maddening potential is too good for a sell-low trade, or an outright drop, so fantasy teams with fewer options for power production must continue playing Jones, and basically carry out the fantasy version of a death march to Bataan.

If you’re even a modest follower of statistical analysis, you know the book on Jones: Eschew the low batting average and strikeouts, you’ll earn points through walks, home runs, and RBI’s. Throw in the fact that Jones is in a contract year, and you have a potential 1st round pick that might hit 50 homers and drive in 125 runs or more. However, even the stat monkeys have begun to rattle their cages and throw their feces at this abomination of a season:

OBP: .299
OPS: .680
WKRP: -1.0 x 10^15

"Especially when you write that strikeouts are a bad thing!"
If this were any other player in any other organization (save for maybe Seattle and Jeff Weaver) you would drop him from your lineup, and possibly investigate having him killed, depending on the laws of your state and/or country. However, this is no ordinary payer—this is Andruw Jones. Jones has “potential.”

Potential is the silver-haired siren who gurus and players chase when building a championship team. She nestles up to your side and caresses your face, whispering insights and wisdom in your listening ear: “Do you want to be known as ‘Sell-Low Slick’?” she coos. “You know he’ll hit those 40 homers sooner or later. Drop or trade him now, and he’ll start to hit for another team.” And you know what? She’s right! So you hesitate, you try to stick it out a little longer. Meanwhile Brad Hennessy, Yovanni Gallardo, and Brad Hawpe stand unclaimed on the waiver wire and mock.

If he's there, get him now.
Not to go all Bill Simmons here, but sometimes the worst thing you can have in any kind of relationship is a little bit of potential. Potential is the inspiration that lets the Yankees give Jaret Wright a three year deal. Potential is the motivation that convinced you that Peavy would finish with a winning record last year. Potential is the idea that makes you hang on to the loser girlfriend when you think she can be something. Newsflash people-- Wright sucks, Peavy was nowhere near a #1 starter last year, and the girlfriend is a screw-up. Also, seriously, no one thought she was hot.

Yoda once said that hope is the source of humanities greatest strength as well as our greatest weakness. Or it could have been one of the guys in the Matrix. Regardless, this belief in a false potential is screws all people who buying into it for too long. This includes any and all people unfortunate enough to have Andruw Jones, who has probably ruined your fantasy team. In more positive development, Jones got his 1st hit in about 25 at bats last night; does this mean he’s turning the corner? Would it change our options even if it did? It’s real doubtful. Really though, it’s just one more sign that’ll keep us all here stuck hearing the same old song, and listening to all those damn whispers in our ears..

Performance Enhancing Trees

2007-06-22T14:26:00.001-04:00

Note: This is not about drugs. Take your polluted mind elsewhere, hippy.

A joke a friend of mine sent me made me think of something profound. It is as follows:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

See, this is one of those kinds of jokes that your grandmother e-mails you assuming (a) She’s Alive (b) She’s lucid enough to actually use e-mail or (c) She wants to show that for an octogenarian she’s still “hip” and “with it” and send you sexy jokes. Naturally, because of the source, this make you think of “SEX” and “GRANDMA” in your mind VERY EXPLICITLY and generally makes you want to take a soldering iron to your eyes and acid to your face. Regardless, it helped me to come up with something profound.

Not even remotely sexy.
The stuff they can do with technology and genetic engineering is crazy these days, and baseball is a multi-billion dollar industry that is always seeking to increase any edge their players can use within the limits of the game. Why not have an enterprising team genetically engineer trees to make the wood that they produce, like, super wood? I’m talking wood that is so hard and light it’s like carrying a metal bat in your hand, but it’s made of wood.

So how is this done? I’m not a scientist, exactly, but I think magic might have something to do with it. Or injecting steroids into seeds and planting them with radioactive fertilizer. But come on. I think the Boston Red Sox need to do this, and if at all possible, do it immediately. Why?

Homer made Tomacco the exact same way.
1. Boston’s proximity to some of the world’s finest academic institutions can allow them put pressure on the scientists who can actually pull this off. And by “pressure” I mean, holding the geeks off a balcony like it’s Shug Knight vs. Vanilla Ice all over again.

2. Boston’s proximity to the great forests of Vermont, New Hampshire, and Southern Canada (also known in some areas as “Maine”) give it plenty of testing ground, as well as the element of secrecy. Whitey Bulger has been hiding out in these areas for years, and if they can’t find him, a few glowing trees with spring-like leaves won’t freak out any locals. At least not any who aren’t already whacked out on maple-moonshine.

3. Larry Luchino’s dollars make Boss George look like Boss Hog in comparison. This is high-end genetic engineering, here, and will be very, very expensive. Paying the scientists and buying fissile material aside, bribes will be made, and people need to be silenced. Imagine if during the test phase, one of these bats comes alive and eats Julio Lugo? Someone’s going to have to buy off his family. Then again, the way Lugo is hitting this might actually be an improvement. Don't forget they’d have to build their own lumber yard to actually make these bats as well.

And besides, is there any other team that needs to satiate such a rabid fan base? Red Sox Nation (and I use the term very lightly, if they are a nation, it’s probably one like Haiti) reminds me of an impersonal Japanese corporation. Remember back in the 80’s, and we heard all these stories about Japanese employees who were so fantastically devoted to their companies that they would run around the office, come in on weekends, and ignore their families? The only difference is the employee gets paid, while a member of Red Sox Nation actually pays the Sox to belong. This new performance enhancing wood will provide historic levels of offense, and is the one way to actually fulfill the completely unrealistic expectations of the pizza-throwing lunatics that call themselves fans. The new wood would even let the Red Sox franchise catch up to the Yankees, at least in terms of championships. Because believe me, it’s not going to happen any other way, and that is no joke.

In The Future There Will Be Robots

2007-06-19T21:15:00.001-04:00

Is it me, or have the calls umpires have made this year been the worst baseball has seen since 1979? It seems everywhere, bad strike calls, missed judgments on balls in play, and Willie Bloomquist magnitude screw-ups have been fantastically commonplace. Every time I see these feckless, doddering, old fossils stand there around and argue a call that can be proved indisputably incorrect by three seconds of video evidence, I wonder why even have umpires in the first place. Replace them all with robots, I say!

Now, to an old-school baseball purist, what I just said would border on heresy. They would have you believe that umpires are the caretakers of the game, and the heralds of the grand national religion of ours. But at one point in time, priests were the great caretakers of Christianity, and then they started insourcing by the truckload from Africa. Outside of some enclaves in Uganda, nobody plays baseball in Africa, so how true can this all really be? My logic is unassailable.

Priest and baseball are the same thing? Brilliant!
If you believe in chaos theory then one missed strike call can inexorably change the outcome of an entire season. Think about it: one wrong third strike call, one less chance for a batter to drive in runs, one less opportunity to use more elite relievers in a superior situation, and one less win total at the beginning of October can make a big impact—just see the winners of the AL Central last year, or the AL East the year before that. Grandpa might shake his head, and would argue all folksy-like that “it all balances out in the end” but does it really? If this is all completely random, and subject to the whims of one person of a seventy person umpiring roster on one particular day, has anyone even bothered to quantify such a claim? For an industry so concerned with the latest statistical trends and scouting, it’s inexcusable that more studies haven’t been done on this.

The fact is, high speed cameras, light-weight sensors, and instant replay can do the jobs umpires do, but even better to the point of perfection. They’ve already started doing this in Japan, with generally positive results. Hirugaki Corporation president Oroku Saki is quoted as saying that the Japanese Pro Baseball League is very happy with the accuracy of the robot’s reading in the test phase rollout, and are looking forward to full robotic integration within the next few years (along with a hefty check, I suppose).*

Will the slight replay phase with the computers and the lasers and the *GLAVIN* slow the game down? Marginally, perhaps. But no more than Steve Trachel’s dithering, Lou Pinella’s arguing, or every major league hitter sniping over balls and strikes. Now, those who are unwelcoming of our new robot overlords (I deem thee “anti-integration”) might say that these little foibles make the game fun. However, the way SABRmerics are headed, a soulless, mechanical approach to the game seems all but assured, so why not get this glorious new revolution off on the right foot with the umpire version of the AWESOME-O 3000?

There are some problems to this, of course. There is an umpires union that needs to be managed, and by “managed” I mean, broke with the wrath of an early 1900’s factory owner when crushing socialist inspired rebellion. But that shouldn’t be too hard. Parks will still have grounds crews, so turning the hoses on deposed umps won’t be too tough, and umpires aren’t in exactly strong in numbers, so a massive physical intimidation campaign ain’t really all that massive. As for the actual players, who perhaps would be the umpire’s greatest ally, they would all probably rather chase women or get wasted rather than getting in a tricky labor dispute that could hurt their endorsement potential. Communism doesn’t play well in Peoria.

I don't care who you are, Karl Marx + lampshade = Funny.
At this point, the only reasonable argument against mechanical umpires would be that it is the first step towards a Terminator 2/Matrix-style robotic world takeover and enslavement by machines.** While probable, isn’t this a small price to pay for the peace of mind that comes from knowing the call was indisputably right? I just am sick and tired of seeing blown call after blown call affect the way the game is played. Baseball shouldn’t be soccer or the NBA where the tenor of officiating drastically affects games. When the ~~assimilation~~ integration begins, that's something we'll never have to worry about. The future is nigh. One day, there will be robots. Let’s let them do the umpiring. In your face, Isaac Asmov.

*Alright, outside of the 1st sentence, nothing in this paragraph is even remotely true. Oroku Saki was the name of the original Shredder in the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons, and the “Hirugaki Corporation,” basically is a very Japanese sounding name for a fake company. Nor will there be a massive check for the implementation of robot umpires. But does this revelation actually take away from my original points? I don’t think so. Robots = cool, badass, death. Embrace the madness.

**If you’re ready for some good old fashioned Japanese nightmare fuel, then click here and here. Try not watching it before falling asleep.

Leo Mazzone Didn’t Help Much, Did He?

2007-06-18T22:57:00.001-04:00

Executive Vice President Mike Flanagan terminated Orioles manager Sam Perlozzo on Monday, thus effectively ending a baseball career that has notable only by being hilariously entrenched in ignominious failure. Perlozzo, it seems, brought only two things to the table as O’s manager: Being almost entirely bereft of tactical baseball know-how, and having pitching scion Leo Mazzone be his best friend. In fact, some people with no familiarity with the situation whatsoever claim that Perlozzo was hired solely to recruit the venerable pitching coach that was thought to be the architect of the Atlanta Braves fourteen year NL East dynasty, and was perceived at one time to be the finest assistant coach in all of professional baseball.

Some of you might forget, but there was an out-and-out scrum for Mazzone’s services when he chose not to renew his contract with the Braves. Stat-geeks (and I use it as a term of endearment) wrote formulas on how the coach would help any staff he went to. Sports pundits across the nation offered their opinion on why their hometown nine should splurge on Mazzone. Brian Cashman offered to fellate him, and Theo Epstien actually did. Regardless, Mazzone, in the ultimate “I’m Keith Hernandez” moment, ended up taking the O’s job, and proceeded to accomplish nearly nothing of note, making him equal to almost every pitching coach in the major leagues.

If you were John Smoltz this would be a lot easier.

Take a look at the 2006 Orioles pitching performance. This thing is basically the statistical baseball equivalent of a triage unit in a war zone, or every other day in Detroit. From the "sundry guys" listed, I counted one ERA under five, and that’s not counting the rounded-up Kurt Birkins. The 2007 squad looks only marginally better, with general regressions from former pitching prodigies Chris Ray, Daniel Cabrera, Danys Baez. We'll have to wait until the end of the season to know for sure, but the only player who has markedly improved is staff ace Erik Bedard, who is the 2nd coming of Mike Mussina in terms of both performance and future payday with the Yankees.

Look on the bright side... they could have got Manny.

Now, it is possible that things were so bad in “Balmer” that Mazzone’s presence was the only thing from letting the entire situation turn into total chaos. But that’s the kind of flawed thinking that got generally reasonable people thanking their lucky stars for LeBron James after the NBA finals had the worst TV ratings in their history. Are we supposed to be so naïve to believe that after years of taking the pitching dregs of the world and turning them into effective starters and relievers, Leo-Maz lost the magic touch? Hardly. The fact is, Mazzone had the good fortune of having three 1st ballot Hall of Fame pitchers play for the Braves, and their presence just so happened to coincide directly with his own tenure as pitching coach starting in 1991. The shrewd acquisitions Jon Schuerholz made, and the wise bullpen usage from Bobby Cox resulted in pitchers having an Atlanta resurgence, not some helpful tidbits from a rocking so-called sage. Giving pitching coaches in general that kind of pull is the kind of madness that lets guys like Rick Peterson make outrageous statements like “I can fix Victor Zambrano in an hour.”

If this picture doesn’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul.

Since the only reason the vaunted coach ever came to the O’s at all was because of Perlozzo, Mazzone will probably ask to be released at the end of this year, as this current incarnation of the Orioles is almost undoubtedly his Vietnam. Then the next Brett Favre/Roger Clemens-style attention fest will begin anew, maybe with your own hometown scribe giving the coach a mulligan. It is the O's after all. Just be sure to remember that just because a team has a great rotation, it doesn't mean there was a great pitching coach behind it. As for Leo-- next time watch who your friends are, buddy. You used to have a good reputation.

Messin' with Texas

2007-06-14T15:45:00.002-04:00

Even someone who delights in the misery of others would feel the slightest touch disheartened for Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks (pictured above). In a league where most owners run their clubs with the business acuity of a 3rd world kleptocrat, Hicks has done everything in his power to win. He’s overpaid for high-level free agents (Jose Canseco, A-Rod, Eric Gagne), he’s developed talent via the farm system (Hank Blaylock, Ian Kinsler, Michael Young), and regardless of anything he does, the team has gotten almost entirely and consistently worse. You have to chuckle to keep from hysterically laughing.

I don’t know if you guys know how completely screwed Texas is. Rookie manager Ron Washington, less than a half-season into his tenure, is on the verge of an outright player rebellion, the likes and haste of which hasn’t been seen since the days of Buck Showalter. Mark Texiera, a cost-controlled perennial all-star, and the best 1st basemen in the American League, said that he would like to leave Texas to go play in his home state of Maryland. Do you have any idea how messed up a franchise must be to have its best player rather be in Baltimore? Have you seen The Wire? I don’t have the statistics on me, but I’m pretty sure that the crime and violence there are comparable only to present day Baghdad. And don’t even get me started on their baseball team. Baltimore’s, not Baghdad’s.

Google image search of “Baghdad baseball.” Very strange.
Whatever, the fact is, poor Tom Hicks has gotten some pretty bad advice from some pretty stupid people over the past ten years, and that’s what is holding his team back from dominating one of the generally weaker divisions in baseball. So Tommy, if you can hear me*, here’s how to fix the Rangers. Consider me a consultant, minus the whole 10,000 dollar fee.

1. Rid Baseball of Jon Daniels

Currently in the Gaza Strip, internal strife between rival Islamic militants from the Fatah and Hamas political parties have taken up the practice of throwing their rivals off the roofs of buildings. Hicks might do well to follow their example with his own General Manager Jon Daniels, who in three years has had the worst GM tenure this side of Dave Littlefield, with the Carlos Lee fiasco being perhaps the final infamy. Since life is really an interactive cartoon, Daniels won’t die, but he’ll certainly be injured enough to leave the club, and won’t degrade any other clubs with his presence. Then again, if you want to be sane about the whole thing, Hicks can just fire Daniels and attempt a blackballing, but that’s boring, and is certainly more so than watching the current Rangers.

This might be a good one.

2. Firesale

This is probably happening any day now, but should be re-emphasized. Guys like Kenny Lofton and Eric Gagne can help a team win now, and can be traded to truly desperate teams for a king’s ransom. Now is your turn to find out who you can screw.

3. Draft 50 pitchers

The Rangers have zero viable starting pitchers. There are 50 rounds in the MLB draft. Ere go, Texas should draft 50 pitchers, and the 1st 20 rounds should be used on hard-to-sign prospects. Prep phenoms Rick Porcello and Matt Harvey were both available to be taken in the 1st and 2nd rounds for the Rangers, and they chose to let them slide. Keep this in mind 3-4 years from now when they’re cost-controlled and causing damage. Remember kids, the slotting system is for cowards and poor people—pay the young guys handsomely.

4. Spend, spend, spend on starters.

This is where Hicks can really shine. An old southern investment banker, this bastard has money to burn. 18 Million for Carlos Zambrano? 20 Million for CC Sabathia? 25 Million for Johan Santana? Why not all three! Starting pitching has been the Rangers’ Achillies heel for years, and along with drafting pitchers every pick for a few years which ought to wield maybe one or two viable starters, and those that don't might be pretty solid bullpen arms. That seems to me like a pretty good club.

Now, there are other sundries that could help. Bringing in Chuck Norris for promotion would make a fine one. Regardless, I hereby end the season of the 2007 Texas Rangers. They tried out some interesting ideas in the pre-season, had a nice run of it for about the first four games. Enormous size is apparently a big deal in Texas, but the size the steak of consecutive seasons with the playoffs not made is probably not seen as a positive. Make the right moves, spend those Texas dollars, and the club will be a lot less funny. It might lead to some very big things.

* From the outstanding musical “Tommy” by The Who. And if you try any of that Abbot and Costello routine on me there will be trouble.

Adam Dunn Was A Bad Choice

2007-06-13T21:12:00.001-04:00

Newsflash, America, the Reds are once again an awful, awful baseball team. When your club is so bad they can’t even compete in the drudgery that is the NL Central, then not only is it time to abandon ship, it’s time to start selling assets like you’re Ken Lay at a pre-crash Enron. Therefore, we all once again eagerly await one of the time-honored and favorite parts of the baseball season-- figuring out which silver-tongued GM is going to screw the Reds for the best players during this year?*

You see, despite the team being so wretched, there are still solid pieces playing for Cincinnati. However, one of them is not Adam Dunn. For some reason, people tend to think positively of an ox that hits almost exclusively in the most prolific hitters park west of Fenway. Because of this, ludicrous questions still persist in my area of the world such as: “Is Dunn is the answer to the New York Yankees continual 1st base needs?” The answer? NO!!

The local Fox affiliate here in New York has a thing they do nightly that says “It’s 10 PM, do you know where your children are?” Adam Dunn is similar, except “it’s 9:00 PM, do you know that Adam Dunn just struck out again?”

Have you ever seen a mentally challenged person eat something they're not supposed to? Like a wooden dowel or some paste? No one wants to say anything to correct them, because that would be impolite, and we are a compassionate society that frowns on gestures such as that. So instead all the people just stand there and stare, mouths agape, wondering what exactly caused God to favor some and not others. The MCP (not to be confused with OPP, the OCP, or WCC**) sees this attention, and instead of wondering "why the heck are these people staring at me," his face morphs into an ecstatic grin and starts clapping his hands with delight. According him or her, attention is good, no matter where it comes from. It's a similar feeling that comes from defecating oneself, or blogging, which in some quarters is precisely the same thing.

This is what Adam Dunn looks like when he's trying to field a ground ball hit to the 1st baseman. The ball bounces, Dunn does his little jerry-clap, the ball bounces off his chest, and in an ultimately futile effort to make a routine play for nearly all 60 starting 1B's in the MLB and AAA, he kicks the ball off into the 1st base dugout. Before you know it, Dontrelle Willis is cruising his way onto 3rd base, flashing gang signs, and calling himself Daisuke Mastublacka. Jason Giambi looks like Keith freaking Hernandez compared to Adam Dunn.

Did I forget to mention that Dunn is hitting a better-than-career-average .250 right now, and that his career OPS is only marginally better than the league average at his position? New York, or any team for that matter, would have to overpay drastically for a guy who is really not all that good.

So, a Dunn fan might say, why not put him at DH? Because New York already has six, the majority of them are injured, and the team doesn't need any more. Besides, I know we've all moved on from the concept of using batting average as the metric for player evaluation. But don’t you want someone who generally hits northward of the Mendoza line? Next thing you know, you'll be advocating for Andruw Jones, and that guy has the Mendoza line installed in his house.

Seriously, this is Andruw. Look at his numbers.

Dunn reminds me a little bit of that fictional player that appeared in the commercials for MLB '06 "The Show." Remember that ad campaign? Remember those commercials? He was a black dude was playing in Osaka, Japan. Here's essentially a direct quote from memory:

"People in Osaka don't care about hits, RBI's. They care about the long ball. I'm not a ball player, I'm an entertainer!!" The guy had an absurd stat line of like .196 AVG 32 HR 39 RBI. That's basically what we'll get with Adam Dunn. I'll ask any and all baseball teams to stay as far as bloody possible away from him, and that does double for the Yankees. If NY traded for Dunn, they would be the ones who are mentally challenged.

*My money’s on Ned Colletti. He’s like Jim Bowden, only dumber, and Bowden pulled off the mother of all hose jobs last year. You can’t even rip guys off like that in fantasy baseball.
**Also known as "Harvard on the Hudson.”

UPDATE: Here' the commercial I was refering to. The video isn't working for me for some reason-- you tell me if I got his statline right.

Elijah Dukes Just Kicked Your Daddie's [Ass]

2007-06-12T21:51:00.002-04:00

A masterful tidbit comes from the generally incorrigible Jon Heyman’s “Daily Scoop” yesterday:

And there's another more outrageous story going around about how one young Devil Ray peeked his head into the Twins' family room at the Metrodome after a recent victory at Minnesota and shouted into a room full of kids. "We just kicked your daddies' [ass]."

This is outstanding on so many levels it can hardly even be conveyed. First off, Heyman is too serious and SI a publication too venerable to ever write the word “ass” in one of their columns. Routinely posting pictures of hot women in nothing but body paint is ok, but expletives? Dr. Z would be rolling in his grave.

Regardless of anything, it is absolutely Elijah Dukes who went in and said this. Unverified, you say? Hearsay? Libel? Madness?? That’s what the Internt's for. After threatening to kill his wife and her kids, he’s probably not averse to getting in the sandbox with the tykes, and due to his immaturity and anger issues, it makes too much sense not to be true. What’s apparent is that the D-Rays are slowly but surely becoming the most hilarious team in the league.

Let us count the ways: Rocco Baldelli’s injury history is making Kerry Wood look like Nolan Ryan, Delmon Young has a budding criminal empire, the Scott Kazmir trade is still giving Mets fans nightmares, James Shields is on the verge of homicide because he’s stuck with this run support, and it’s possible they’re bringing back Jesse Orosco for some semblance of relief help. To top it all off, Elijah Dukes is the MLB’s version of Michael Vick, and this is no longer even disputable. The fact that the team as a whole is talking trash to the players children makes this even more outstanding, and is probably a page out of Mike Tyson's repartoire. I can see this spiraling out of control a la the Miami Hurricanes in the 80’s. Rampant criminality, traditionalists freaking out everywhere, elite play, a crappy stadium, and inevitably, military fatigues, rap videos, and murder. Will there be probation? Sanctions? Contraction? A banning of Rated R from the dugout? Almost certainly, and it's going to be great to watch. We are in the midst of a glorious future for MLB, and the first signs stemmed from Elijah Dukes saying “We just kicked ya daddie’s [ass]” to Torii Hunter’s kids. When this all finally happens, and at this point it must, you guys can all say Slick saw it coming from back in the day.

Not busted for dog fighting. Yet.

UPDATE: From my good friends at WithLeather comes the report that Dukes has fathered a child of a 17 year old girl. I'm guessing the Prophet might be more Marcus than Michael.

Tommy Can You Hear Me

2007-05-23T23:55:00.002-04:00

Tom Verducci, I’d like to preface this by saying I’m a big fan. Huge fan, even. Considering you’ve racked up national sports writing awards like the Yankees have racked up championships, I’m sure I’m not the only one. Your writings have anointed you as one of the great caretakers of the game of baseball, and your first-hand take on what it’s like to participate in a Major League spring training or to umpire a spring training contest, are writings that enrich our enjoyment of America’s Pastime.

But I think someone needs to tell you (and I’d like you to sit down when you hear this) you are NOT a Toronto Blue Jay. Just because the last ever Canadian baseball team decided it would be a good idea get some easy publicity and let you roll around in the sand for five days doesn’t give you entry into the fraternity that is “The Show.” And I mean, seriously, how close can you get to some guys after knowing them for five days? Vernon Wells is not your homey. BJ Ryan was probably not going to be the first one to tell you that he’s hurt, despite the posturing of his team, and Doc Halladay is not your huckleberry.* Outside of proving to the world that baseball players are outstandingly good compared to the rest of the planet, the most notable thing you did, really, was listen to a lecture on why eating feces is bad, and most of us get those lectures at work all the time. I get them daily.

Will never go to the bathroom and then touch the spread

And now you’re playing in the Hall of Fame game? Josh Lyman in the West Wing (Brad Whitford’s character) had a terrific line, saying “There comes a time in every man’s life when he realizes he won’t be playing professional baseball.” That time in your life is now. You’re a lot like that weird guy in Happy Gilmore following around Shooter McGavin, a man would do anything to be closer to the sport. It’s beneath you, and it’s embarrassing. Journalist’s forays have often yielded disastrous, though hilarious, results, and before you know it, your wife is going to have the ass** because you’re spending all your time in the batting cages getting ready for your next “story”, in the utterly insane notion that some team, somewhere, will actually give you a shot. Madness, I tell you. The D-Rays might have been up to it once upon a time, but they’re actually somewhat respectable right now. The Brewers, despite their impending doom, also will not want you. Toronto has seen what you have to offer, and still no sale.

Well Gustavo, I'll be at the Red Lobster if you change your mind!

Keeping this up makes you the journalistic equivalent of Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite. Uncle Rico was funny because he was a loser. You’re not yet a loser. However, you’re getting very, very close to being one, so consider this an intervention. You might have been a Toronto Blue Jay, but you’re not any longer. Channel your athletic drive into beer-league softball, or better yet, kicking the crap out of Boston sports writers for an afternoon. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can return to you fantastic writing. It’s not quite the show, but you’re still part of the game.

*Because you need to know where this is from:

**and this too.

Cult of Matsuzaka (FotZ): Motown No Mo'!!

2007-05-14T23:33:00.002-04:00

This just in-- Matsuzaka nukes... D-Troit City motha-what!!

Out of all the places in the western hemisphere, only Mexico City rivals Detroit in corruption, poverty, decay, and predilection for violent takeover and revolution. The city is generally perceived as an urban war zone, not unlike post-liberation Iraq, except the denizens of Rock City are on a whole better armed.

The following has caused much destruction in Detroit:

Pre-crackdown Devil’s Night*
OCP’s takeover of the city and the creation of the ED-209
The Shady Records-Murder Inc. rap war

What's not pictured is the shooting of the firemen
None of this has ever reached the amount of destruction from the divine wrath of Matsuzaka. Want to see the body count? Nine inning complete game. Five strikeouts, and a homerun allowed to Curtis Granderson, who through his outstanding blogging, has been seen as a favored son to the fellowship of the ZAK. To see a comparison, Moses was also favored in the eyes of Matsuzaka. Also, don't let JERKOFF YANKEE FANS tell you that Detorit can't really hit, and that there are a few more months in the season, because that's a load of crap, and they are delusional.

Rarely is there anything that can stop the pan-dimensional human embodiment of divinity and the space-time continuum, and there was nothing that could stop Matsuzaka today. Not the armies running the streets of Detroit at night, not the zombified octopi who hurl themselves at Red Wings games, not the guy who threw that drink at Ron Artest, and not even the combined forces of the 313 and the free world bitches (with the help of/special guest appearance by Joel Zumaya on Guitar Hero). In fact, if you went underneath the mansion of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and found Robocop, and re-activated him, not even he would stand against the righteous justice that is Matsuzaka.

So where does Detroit go from here? I say nowhere. Now that the city has been obliterated, it’s obvious that it’s time to move on and rebuild. The Tigers will have to forfit the rest of their games, and the citizens will be looking elsewhere for salvation. Luckily for them, the Cult of Matsuzaka (FotZ) will be giving out free stress tests and copies of our bible at the blast’s epicenter, consequently smack dab in the middle of where the old stadium used to be. Those who haven't had their skin melt off yet can enjoy that, as well as a complimentary choice of beverage. And no, morons, sake won’t be served, because that’s just racist. Also, if you choose not to come, I heard Flint, MI is always eager for another round of destruction.

I think this is necessary

*This is a fantastic website.
**As is this.

Wells and Brothers Giles Eat Midget

2007-05-09T08:00:00.000-04:00

According to Padres’ beat writer Corey Brock (via The FanHouse), Emmanuel Lewis was spotted in the Padre’s visiting clubhouse after their game with the Braves on Monday. Lewis, known most notably for his role in Webster and the Surreal Life series on VH1, is a scion to little people the world over for helping them earn the respect and dignity not seen during the dark times in history when they were used as plane movers and drink tables. Apparently Lewis was laughing hard after being tickled by Brian Giles, who may or may not have been wearing clothes at the time. According to sources close to me, the Giles v Giles are naked all the time, so the beat men don’t even record it, while Mike Penner looks on with permanent confusion.

Do you guys REALLY think this is degrading?
The Pads are a hilarious franchise, intentionally or unintentionally so depending on perspective. Greg Maddux pees on rookies. The Giles brothers have a partiality towards nudity and bad jokes. David Wells is the John Daly of professional baseball*, except he consumes even more drugs, food, and booze, if that’s even possible. Let’s not get into the whole “Steve Garvey Is Not My Padre” fiasco. But now if you throw a midget in the mix, even one as prominent as Manny Lewis, then you’ve got the clubhouse of legends. While the LA Dodgers might be nicknamed “Red Sox West” by people too interested in both the Red Sox and the West, it seems like the Daddies are actually following the mantra:

Fat veteran secretly despised by the media = Boomer
Guys who get naked and rub their cocks all over each other/everything = Brothers Giles
Midget = Lewis

That being said, is there anything more potentially dangerous than David Wells, the Giles brothers, and Emmanuel Lewis together in the same place, in any circumstances? Rumor has it happening that night, and the results were tragic. Only the four of them were at Magic City in the A-T-L--Maddux needed to hydrate, Peavy was still striking people out, and Kevin Kouzmanoff was having PacBell install the Mendoza line in his house.

Anyway, every person who goes to a strip club tries their own kind of mojo out on the ladies. Ballplayers are no exception. Boomer was screaming at the DJ trying to get the girls to dance to Muscadine while taking out his fake teeth and showing them off, resulting in general disgust. Emmanuel Lewis was telling the girls that even though he is a “little person,” (his words, not mine) his penis is still a larger than average size. Meanwhile, Brian Giles was working his own kind of mojo:

Stripper: You wanna dance, baby?

Giles: Let me tell you a joke.

Stripper: Oh-kaayyy

Giles: Ok, why is six afraid of seven?

Stripper: Cause seven-ate-nine!

Giles: (overly excited) Wow! You got it!

Stripper: Yea! My three kids at home tell that joke all the time.

Giles: ...Ak-warrrrrd.

Eventually, things descended into madness. Because of general weirdness and the midget getting grabby, none of the women would go up in VIP. Out of boredom, Brian and Marcus took their pants off and start simultaneously cock-whipping Manny Lewis, who probably enjoyed it too much. Boomer was so blasted off Cuervo and painkillers that he thought it was some kind of perverse tenderization ritual, and they were all going to try and eat the little fucker. So Boom grabbed him up like a big toothless bear, and ran out the club cackling like a maniac. Giles-squared tired running after him, but fell down the stairs since their pants were around their ankles. By the time they got back to the hotel, Lewis was already half eaten.

Some of this story may be true… I’m simply operating off hearsay and my own insanity. Regardless, no one will ever see Emmanuel Lewis again, and without their magical clubhouse chemistry, the Daddies are not a lock to make it to the World Series.

*Or is it John Daly is the David Wells of golf?

Fear Delmon

2007-05-08T07:29:00.000-04:00

Reading the essential AOL MLB Fanhouse, I came across this little tidbit on the Rays and their lack of hype.

So where's the respect [for the Rays]? Where are the "Fear Delmon" T-shirts and Carl Crawford Nike ads?

Why, indeed? The very least Delmon Young can get is a t-shirt. If anything symbolizes the “Booyah” generation, it’s athletes with freakish athletic talent coupled with penchants for criminality, destruction, and a flagrant disregard for authority. If Michael Vick is given million dollar contracts for dog fighting, and Sebastian Telfair is given shoe contracts for gunplay, then Delmon Young is absolutely a role model for the new generation of criminal athlete.

Delmon signed out of a California high school for six million dollars, immediately making him the highest paid Devil Ray since Jose Canseco. At age 18 he started out in single-A ball, where he racked up minor league all-star selections and player of the year awards. After a banner year in 2005 for both on and off the field activities, Delmon finally made it to the show for good at the end of 2006. Although he’s put up respectable numbers in the majors, his projections are far more impressive for the destruction outside the realm of traditional baseball.

Delmon has made it a practice to physically assault umpires, which according to notables such as William Ligue Jr., is every fan’s dream come true. In the minor leagues in 2005, Young gave an umpire a chest bump that Lou Pinella would be inspired by, earning him a paltry suspension of three games. A year later, Young would become the standard bearer for nihilistic rebellion when he intentionally hurled a bat at an umpire for handing out one of the worst third strike calls ever seen in AA baseball.

C'mon, that pitch was outside
A 50 game suspension resulted, but it did not slow Delmon’s progress in “Booyah”. When asked by a reporter how he felt about being held back in the minors, Delmon said that the organization was “cheap,” and that “when it comes to free agency, [there’s] no use trying to stay around there for the long haul.” Rational observers might think that because of the bat incident and attitude, the Rays felt Delmon lacked the emotional maturity that’s required for the major leagues. Madness! A similarly talented Ken Griffey Jr. was in the majors at that age, but he did have to suffer through occasional spankings by his father in front of Jim Lefebvre and Harold Reynolds.

And speaking of family pedigree, according to police forces in the district, Delmon is also a known accomplice (or sibling) of Washington D.C. arch criminal and drug lord Dmirti Young, whose sole presence has single handedly caused crime statistics to skyrocket, with long term residents wishing for the halcyon days of the crack epidemic and Marion Barry. Experts now say Southeast DC is a war zone markedly worse than Detroit on Devil’s Night, or a post-liberation Fallujah. If Dmitri is Avon Barksdale, then Delmon is Stringer Bell.

Tampa Bay is no place for Delmon Young. Rumor has it Tropicana Field was created to house homeless people in case of a Katrina-like disaster, with the intention of performing sociological experiments when the residents eventually dissolved into cannibalism and madness. This vibe is palpable throughout the arena, and does not make for a pleasurable viewing or playing experience. Young will not stay. In that well placed tirade against the team mentioned previously, he said that his goal was to “Get your six years and leave.” Can you imagine the publicity he'll get when he's a Yankee? By that time Joe Torre will be dead, replaced by an animatronic robot who cares little for things like "character" and "hustle."

Is there any player in sports who we should fear more than Delmon Young? Of course not. Marcus Vick and his twin gats doesn’t have the army that Delmon has behind him in southeast. After getting fired by the Celtics, Bassy won’t have the money. Until LeBron James starts doing drive-bys out of the Hummer that his momma bought him, Delmon will be the athlete that symbolizes the "Booyah" generation. And that, my friends, is outstanding.

The Brewers are Doomed

2007-05-06T23:25:00.000-04:00

Surprise, bitches. After what can liberally be called the 1st half of the season, the Milwaukee Brewers are atop their division for first time since Micheal Jackson was black. The Brewers’ history since then has been one of ignominious failure, losing most of their games with remarkable frequency. They’ve come around of late, due to some deals that have made the 2003 Curt Schilling hose job look like No! No! Nanette*, and the rest of the division (read: Cardinals! Cardinals! Cardinals!) being the poster children for organizational dysfunction.

This is sort of cute, because the Brewers really barely even qualify as a major league franchise. They play in the National League, which in some eras has been grounds for contraction. Their mascots are on par with most minor league teams, the slide is beyond kitschy, and has any prominent recent major leaguer even been the best player on the Brewers? Richie Sexon doesn’t count, and Roy Oswalt is better. Also, do we need to even get into the Mr. 3000 debacle? No other team would be comfortable being associated with such a travesty, but the Brewers felt right at home. The entire back story for the movie was that the Brewers were even historically bad, and they still said “ok?” Anything for publicity, right Uncle Bud?

At least it was better than Pride
Such a joke of a franchise can’t possibly be successful for this long, so naturally they’re doomed. Ben Sheets is bound to get re-injured sooner or later. Rickie Weeks, the second coming of Gary Sheffield, is going to start airmailing throws over 1st in no time. Eventually their players will become old enough to drink and all hell will break loose, with a sex boat cruise that makes the 2005 Minnesota Vikings look like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in comparison. This is so obvious, it’s barely even a story.

Immerse yourselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka

The real story will be what Bud Selig will do when the Brewers begin to falter. Will there be instant Vince Mcmahon-style rule changes? Sausage races counting as runs?** The infield fly rule extending to the 1st and 3rd base crowds? Sending in Bill Alphonso as the special guest umpire? The question is not will this happen (it must) but how hilarious will it be? Selig has always struck me as a feckless, doddering old coot, whose dealings with the steroids controversy reminds one of the Iran hostage scandal, but with far more disastrous global consequences. Bud should get his Vince on-- it’s not like his legacy can get any worse. All things considered, it’ll probably end up saving (at least in terms of entertainment) what will eventually become yet another lost season for the Brew-Crew.

*Nice job on that one, Joe Garagiola. It only cost you your reputation and career.
** This will, of course, have either the Pirates or Cubs re-sign Randall Simon. But considering the direction of those teams at this point it’s probably to be expected.

UPDATE: No comment from the peanut gallery?

Cult of Matsuzaka (FotZ): Heresy in Boston!!

2007-05-04T07:47:00.001-04:00

Julio Lugo... I’m not angry at you. I’m just not angry at you. There is no punch line here, this is not a joke, I’m not going to go and say that I’m FURIOUS... AT YOU... because I’m not, I’m not, I’m just not. Because I... I understand the position that you have been put in to, by your acquisition to the Boston Red Sox, the chosen team of our savior, Daisuke Matsuzaka (pbuh)*. I’m sure you realize on some celestial level conveyed to you, by Matsuzaka, that He is a pan-dimensional cosmic entity and the fact that you would even set foot on the same filed as Him, even for an inning, will fill the rest of your days with the bliss and peace that cannot even nearly be described in any language invented by humanity. This knowledge, combined with this righteous force of the most wonderful and raw comic energy swirling around you like a glorious typhoon, I’m sure it is a bit daunting, and I grant you that, and I understand.

But even then, Julio, you cannot ALLOW two

GODDAMN ERRORS in the same

GODDAMN

INNING!!!**

Threre is a strategy here, ok? There is a freakin'. strategy. right. here. Your job is not to simply beat the competition, ok? It is your job, and Matsuzaka’s, to grind their freakin' bones into toothpaste. Toothpaste with little red ribbons in it, just like AquaFresh. Do you know why the ribbons in this toothpaste are red, Julio? Because they’re filled with bone marrow, and DNA, and I don’t know what else, I’m a theologian, not a medical doctor, but that’s what you gotta do. The toothpaste, it might taste like Tom’s of Maine, all chalky, but you’re not there to make a good tasting toothpaste out of bone, because that would be impossible.

Matsuzaka’s plan is to intentionally load those bases. Intentionally walk those hitters, and load those bases, ok? And then when He gets those hitters out, they realize they simply have no chance against Him. Once the mind game is won, the physical game is easy, and the spiritual game can commence. Those errors of your not only screwed your team, they fucked Matsuzaka, and they might have screwed over the immortal souls of those players and the millions watching around the world.

Now, Julio, you recovered for yourself quite nicely. You had a ground-rule double right after your errors, you played well in the field, you accounted for yourself and your team quite nicely, and you deserve all the credit in the world for that. Perhaps Matsuzaka was testing you, as He tests me, to see if you could recover from this. You did, congratulations, la-dee-freaking-da. Do you know that there are those of us who flagellate ourselves daily out of gratitude just so we can watch Matsuzaka? That we put off our wives, our lives, our children, to hang on every glorious pitch He throws, because that is what will teach us about salvation? He forgives you, so do I, just be better next time, or we will not be so forgiving.

Is this not the face of intimidation?
BTW, everyone, don’t listen to DICKHEAD YANKEE FANS who think that giving up 7 ER somehow prevents the Messiah from being worth 100m dollars before He ever threw a pitch in the major leagues, because they’re freaking jealous liars! My inbox is filling up with this same thing, over and over again, people denegrating the Fellowship of the ZAK, insulting our Emmanuel, and I don’t want to hear it! Here's one:

Slick,

How does it feel to see Matsuzaka give up 7 ER to the fucking Mariners, pussy boy? Enjoy the next five days, you cultist whacko.

Love always,

Jesus

PS—Go Yanks!

grraaaaahhhhhh!!!fsddddddjhvc!!

*I don’t need to keep on typing this, you get the picture.
**The apostate official scorer, probably some college-level nimrod who wanted to get a job with the "Sawx" changed the 2nd error to a hit after the game. Obvious, total, crap. Check the play-by-play.

The Five Fabulous Weeks of the Marty Miller Program*

2007-05-02T23:05:00.001-04:00

Marty Miller, Director of Performance Enhancement for the New York Yankees, has been summarily relieved of his duties following the most number of injures on his watch to a platoon of men ever not directly involved in lethal and armed combat. The Yankees first hired Miller out of BallenIsles Country Club in Palm Beach, Florida, which is appropriate, considering the team is made up of a bunch of geriatrics. But having a “czar” of performance enhancement was a ridiculous notion before it was even conceived, making it one of baseball’s few (but glaring) pre-emptive failures.** And why is it thus? Let us count the ways!

First off, you can’t possibly trust anyone who goes by their nickname on their business card. It shows an outrageous lack of civility, and stretches the boundaries of good taste. He went by “Marty?” Are you going to put that on the top of your letterhead? What the heck is that? Before you know it, good and decent professionals will be calling themselves “Will” instead of “William” in a business setting. Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria.

Never drive angry.
Second thing-- Director of “Performance Enhancement?” Do you see those quotes? I think Jason Giambi’s performance has been enhanced quite enough over the years, don’t you? I mean, his comeback from 2003 was basically the stuff of miracles, and proof to everyone either the benefits of a clean lifestyle or better living through chemicals. Not to mention getting the Sheff out of the kitchen don’t make it less hot, baby.

Might be the greatest picture in the history of the Internet, right here.
And speaking of stretching, apparently Miller wasn’t interested in it. Now, I’m not expert in the philosophies involved in allowing world-class athletes to reach their potential, but hasn’t stretching been in basically every single self-fitness guide since the times of Teddy Atlas? Are we trying to go beyond the paradigm here? Is stretching too “new wave” for you, Marty?

Let’s Survey the Damage:

Johnny Damon—Hamstring problems that persist to this day.
Mike Mussina—Injured for a month.
Chien-Ming Wang—Injured for slightly less than a month.
Hideki Matsui—Injured, and just recently returned.
Jeff Karstens—Injured hamstring, out to start the season.
Phil Hughes—Injured for 8-10 weeks, might be back in time for the All-Star game.

According to some sources, Brian Cashman had a “sleepless night” when trying to decide whether or not Miller should be fired, which makes the independent observer wonder which inmates exactly are running the asylum that is the Bronx Zoo circa 2007. That list seen above? That’s not a disabled list, that’s a hit list. You couldn’t send a sleeper cell into an enemy locker room and cause that much destruction.

“Marty” has been the worst trainer for a baseball franchise since the Greg Anderson fiasco, and that guy is in jail. It appears to me that Miller got off easy. Don't forget to tell the folks back in BallenIsles to stretch, Marty, and don't pretend that you and "Jetes" are friends-- he probably hates you.

This will be your house of pain.

*C'mon. You guys gotta know know where this is from.
**Others being the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, The All-Star game counting, and actually recognizing David Ortiz as a 1B all come to mind.

Jeff Weaver: Back on the Pot

2007-05-01T18:07:00.001-04:00

Saturday of this weekend while I was at the NFL draft, Jeff Weaver was losing. This wasn't any kind of losing, though, this dude was getting firebombed like the Germans at Dresden. By the Royals! Kurt Vonnegut, wrote an entire book out of his experience, all I’ll try to do is bang out a few paragraphs.

Everyone knows Weaver smokes pot. We suspected as much back in 2000, when he was a super prospect/best player for the then-hapless Detroit Tigers. A stewardess on a Tigers flight in a lawsuit against an uncomfortable (AKA overly sexy) working environment saw Weaver walk out of the lavatory in a "puff of smoke" and the "smell of Marijuana behind him."* Besides that little tidbit, he’s also from the LBC, which according to some, is where weed was practically invented. Also, is it just me, or does he look like he's high all the time?

He stopped smoking when he was with the Cardinals when he helped them win the World Series. It's the only explanation why such an awful pitcher suddenly turned good. So why is he back on it now? Maybe because Seattle is a dystopian super-structure, whose mocking name of the Emerald City hides the town’s wretched underbelly. Do you know what there is to actually do in Seattle?

1. Drink bad, overpriced coffee and fellate oneself
2. Listen to Grunge
3. Play Nintendo
4. Get in infinitely meaningless arguments over if PC or Macs are better.

Do you know who loses in this kind of situation? Everyone in Seattle. Hence, Weaver losing all his games. It’s a vicious cycle, and when you’re in a vicious cycle, you get back to your roots, and try to do what first made you successful. And considering Dave Duncan’s semi-miraculous pitching tapes self-destructed upon Weaver’s exit from St. Louis, all Weaver’s got left is the ganja.

Seattle manage Mike Hargrove, whose intellectual capacity places him somewhere between John Kruk and an igneous rock on the smartest beings to ever grace the human experience, has decided the best place for Weaver is in the bullpen. This will be, predictably, a disaster, making Weaver the most expensive, ineffective reliever since Kyle Farnsworth (an intellectual midget in his own regard).** Weaver’s last significant experience in a relief role came in the 2003 World Series, where after getting through one inning and giving a fist-pump that made Francisco Rodriguez’s slap-assery look like Sanjuro Yojimbo in comparison, gave up a laser of a homerun that literally dented the side of Dolphins’ Stadium.

Obviously, the Mariners shouldn't have signed Weaver. Hell, no one should have signed Weaver. His very acquisition is a total and abject failure, and this sort of incompetence should surprise no one-- Mariners GM Bill Bavasi has been doing this shit for years. How have Adrian Beltre and Richie Sexon turned out? I hate to make such an easy joke here, but Weaver's probably not the only one on drugs in Seattle.

This, Jamie Kennedy, is how you kick it old school

*This article is impossible to find online without a search via Lexus-Nexus. However, a gentleman at NYYFans.com copied and pasted the entire thing here. Very funny stuff.
**Consult The Dugout for more insight and hilarity.

A post not about baseball

2007-04-30T10:23:00.000-04:00

Attention all readers-- this weekend I attended the 2007 NFL draft, and kept a running commentary for Kissing Suzy Kolber, the world's most popular NFL blog. It's even funnier when your team is struggling! Please check it out at www.kissingsuzykolber.net. Search for the "SlickBomb" tag. Matsuzaka madness will be up tonight, along with some more episodes of hilarity/insanity.

Jimmy Dolan Interested in Buying the Yankees

2007-04-27T13:55:00.001-04:00

(Gasp)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Oh my GOD don’t let this be true. Please Lord God in heaven almighty Matsuzaka don’t let this be true.

We’re talking about Jim Dolan here. Jimmy freakin' Dolan. Jimmy Mr. “I’ll-never-live-up-to-my-father’s-media-baron-reputation-so-I-decided-to-ruin-the-Knicks” Dolan. What’s next? Putting Jim Bowden in charge of the team? Signing five swing-first shortstops and playing them all over the field? Paying a king’s ransom to bring in Tony LaRussa, and then firing him after a disastrous first season? There is no other baseball-basketball equivalent. The Steinbrenners took a broken Yankees franchise, and made it into the international brand-entity for excellence in sport. For all their faults, George and Co. made quantum leaps in the fields of satellite broadcasting and pacific-rim scouting, and were the prime examples for the rest of baseball to follow.

Dolan is the guy who turned Madison Square Garden from the Mecca of basketball and the most famous arena in the world into a laughing stock. This is the guy who took one of the great franchises in NBA history and turned it into an abominable alter to the festering sore that is the 2007 NBA. Eddie Curry has a heart condition damnit! And you gave away this year’s lottery pick to get him?? Jesus!! I can’t even grasp the immeasurable stupidity of even considering selling the team to this SOB. It’s like giving your sainted grandfather’s life’s work to crack-addicted cousin, and then knowing he would snort it all away. Or smoke it all away. Or shoot it all away, I don’t give a crap, I don’t smoke crack.

This is apparently a crack pipe. I seriously wouldn't know.

I am saying it right here and right now, if the Yankees sell their team to Jimmy Dolan and his band of cronies, the fall of freaking Rome will pale in comparison to the twisted spectacle of failure that will inevitably result. Why don’t you just give the city to the Mets? I’ll be great, we’ll have white 13 year olds from the upper west side shout “Viva Los Mets!” while their yuppie parents stand agape in abject horror. How about we just dig up monument park, and replace the shrines with giant stone dildos? We can have little numbers for them too, right on the helmet. It’ll be a fitting testament to how the New York fan has been anally-violated by these godforsaken kleptocrats.

Just for kicks, let’s throw out some owners that would absolutely be better than Jimmy Dolan.

Idi Amin

Kim Jong-Il

Pol Pot

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

The long days of Yankee greatness past will have reached their apogee. If Dolan gets a handle on the Yankees, the team’s future will immediately collapse at terminal velocity. I’ll give it five games. George and company, if you have any respect, or decency, or appreciation for the fans of the New York Yankees who have supported your crap for YEARS, please for the love of all that is right in the world, DO NOT sell the Yankees to little Jimmy Dolan. I won’t sleep until this story is killed.

UPDATE: According to the MLB Fanhouse, the story is dead. Hallelujah.

Commander Sisko Describes Baseball and Life

2007-04-27T10:53:00.001-04:00

Very, very trippy video from AOL's MLB Fanhouse. I love the way he describes the game-- it's all very Zen. I want to expand on this more, but I think I need to save my crazy for Matsuzaka's glorious first entrance into the Bronx. It's like Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, but far more gangsta. That trumpets hath sounded, bitches, and our savior is back! We bask in his sublime radiance!! More later tonight/tomorrow. Iddqd!

Danny Almonte, New York Baseball Legend

2007-04-26T15:33:00.001-04:00

This was supposed to be a post about the outrage of the New York City government banning metal baseball bats throughout the greater New York Metropolitan area. Assuming MLB doesn’t start paying for wooden bats for young/poor people to use (they won’t) baseball has all but conceded the NY-metro area to basketball and lacrosse. I’ve said my piece on this. New York will probably never produce great players such as Manny Ramirez, Sandy Koufax, or Danny Almonte ever again.

Also, you might think Danny Almonte doesn’t belong in that list of New York baseball legends, but you would be wrong. Fantastically, horrifically, wrong. So what if he did ~~most~~ all his damage against kids half his own age*? That’s not like it stops Orlando Hernandez, and that guy’s at least 60.

For those of you too young, too divested, or too A.D.D. to remember, Danny Almonte was the ace left-hander for the Rolando Paulino All-Stars. Outside of having the most egomaniacal team name in the history of organized sports, and no one on the team being able to speak English, this plucky band played on the outskits of Yankee Stadium which, natually, endeared them to the entire country. When the tournament came around, Almonte was already a phenom, having embarassed opposing teams in regional tournaments across the northeast. Armed with a 75 mph fastball (or roughly half the speed of sound** on a little league mound), a Randy Johnson-esque slider, and the intimidation factor of a man-child who has started masturbating more frequently and not solely experimentation purposes, Almonte annihilated the competition.

The secret to his slider? Hairy palms.
He finished with a freakish stat line of 3 GS, 27IP, 46K, 3 H, 1 R, 0 ER. If that isn't the stuff of legends, then you show me what is. So what if Almonte was at the very least two years older than his competition? And speaking of NYC public school districts, who cares if Almonte didn’t even go to school? It's not like he would have learned anything anyway. I don’t care who you are, if you strike out more guys than Carl Pavano has pitched to in the past two years, you are officially gangsta. If Corey Lidle was still alive, could he put up a stat line like that? I don’t think so.

Regardless of anything remotely sane, by now we should know that age limits don’t mean a thing when it comes to baseball. Albert Pujols has the hairline of a 35 year old. We already mentioned El Duque. Julio Franco helped build the ark. Jessie Orosco is in the majors somewhere, isn’t he? In the Dominican Republic and Cuba, players routinely lie about being younger to seem like better prospects. The only mistake Almonte made was that he lied in the wrong direction. It didn't stop him from marrying a 30 year old, that's for sure. If anything, all of this should only increase his legend status.

Nowadays, Danny Almonte is pitching in for the Frontier League Miners, his legend status witheld from him by a stupid tradition that holds things like "cheating" and "fraud" in disregard. This is wrong! Madness, even. For a stretch of time, Almonte was one of the best young pitchers on the planet. He deserves to be in the pantheon of great ballplayers coming out of the New York area. Let's just hope in light of the new ban that he's not the last.

*Take a look at the old school ESPN site!

You’ve come a long way, baby! Now with obnoxious video.

**Come on, we all need a little lameness in our lives.

Griffey Jr. out with a colon

2007-04-24T22:33:00.001-04:00

Finding inspiration for writing can be hard. Your mind wonders, you hammer out sub-par columns, or you just plain-ol’ cruise the net. Sometimes, in those rare instances, you must act like Rousseau, and walk among the forests in the search for inspiration.*

This is not one of those times. Ken Griffey Jr. (as Al Micheals would say) is out with a colon.

Griffey confirmed that he was diagnosed about six months ago with diverticulitis, or inflammation of the colon.

There are just so many ways you can go with this! I don’t know about you, but when I’m confronted with a medical problem, I got to WebMD.com, just like any normal person. What do you think, I’m going to go to a “doctor”? A “shaman”? A “faith healer”? They all amount to modern quackery.** Besides, Tom Cruise told me that body thetans are making my soul hurt. Psychologists should be jailed. You’re just being glib.

Diverticulitis is a sometimes painful condition that develops when pouches diverticula that form in the wall of the colon, part of the large intestines become inflamed or infected.

Most of the time, diverticulitis can be treated with dietary changes and-if there is an infection-with antibiotics. About one-quarter of people with diverticulitis have complications, such as an abscess, fistula, or obstruction of the colon, that require surgery.

Wayyyy too easy. Way, way, way, too easy. Griffey, much like Mike Piazza, is one of few major league players one who is almost always questioned about his sexual orientation. Even though he’s married with kids, he just kind of looks gay. Like Kordell Stuart. Or Jeff Garcia. Or Mike Piazza. Now he has gay rumors and an inflammation of the colon? Let’s just say it’s probably going to start more flames than it’s going to put out. Is this “diverticulitis” contagious? Is it an STD? Should we check Brandon Phillips just to be sure? Or maybe Jason LaRue? He’s a catcher, after all, and this sort of thing can spread.

This sorry episode marks the end of Ken Griffey Jr.’s career. When you can’t play because you’ve hurt the muscle that’s attached to your anus, then I’m sorry, it’s time to hang up the spikes. He has now officially had every single injury a baseball player can have, outside of cancer and losing a testicle a la John Kruk. He’s broken hands, wrists, legs; he’s pulled hamstrings and quads; and now, he’s even injured his colon. This sort of thing should happen only to a couch potato who eats chicken friend steak daily, and is into sexual sado-masochism. Griffey is a professional athlete who makes Carl Pavano look like Cal Ripken Jr. If you think Barry Zito’s contract was bad, just take a look at Griffey’s. Albatross doesn't even quite define it. Call it a Spruce Goose, complete with total and utter failure. You’ve had a great run, Kenny, and you’ve provided people who watch baseball with a lot of laughs. Most of them generally at you as opposed to with you. But it’s time to retire. Take your ball and go home, that is, while you still have it.

Was the 1995 ALDS Griffey's Illmatic? I think it might have been.

*For more, consult the Reveries of the Solitary Walker. However, this book is quite wretched, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

**Modern Quackery. This is a magazine that would sell itself.

I can't believe I put modern philosophy and ass jokes in the same post. It's like college did and did not happen at the same time.

Heee’s Backman!!

2007-04-23T15:58:00.001-04:00

You guys remember Wally Backman, right? Backman was the skipper for the Arizona Diamondbacks for about seventeen minutes. Now he’s back on the bottom, looking to work his way back up to the top. Once the ‘Backs* started digging around in Wally’s past, a few things became apparent, which lead to his eventual firing:

1. He had an arrest record which included counts of domestic violence offenses.
2. He’d been nailed for a DWI, which probably means he’s an alcoholic.
3. He’d filed for bankruptcy.

This is cause for firing, how exactly? How many broke former players out there love to slap wives and get wasted? Precisely? I’d say all of them. Backman wasn’t a superstar. He was a grinder. Sometimes, the stress of a long day gets to a grinder. He’s sore from a ten-day road trip, the eight prescription strength anti-inflammatories are making a little blood come out of his stool, and then his wife starts giving it to him for not spending enough time with the kids. Can you really fault the guy for giving the wife a slap? Sean Connery doesn’t!!** Besides, that little list of transgressions basically describes Kirby Puckett, doesn’t it? And they have him stuffed and under glass right outside the Metrodome. I heard it’s a striking thing to see. Horrifying, really.

Even the homeless are afraid.
Regardless, just because Backman hits the sauce a little too hard, and was unfortunate enough to get nailed by the cops before plowing into a tree doesn’t make him a bad baseball man. In fact, it probably makes him a great baseball man. When you’re the skipper of a young team like the ‘Backs, you’re not just looking for a guy who knows how to do a double switch, and someone who knows well enough to sit Chad Tracy in any and all circumstances. You’re looking for a leader who can teach about life. When Connor Jackson is hitting .320, putting spinners on the whip, and thinking about getting a gun for protection, Backman can be all like “Nah, man. Hove did that, so hopefully, y’all don’t have to go through that.” After all, you can’t spell Maybach without “Back.”***

I say this as a fan-- If he really likes the Jets, does that somehow make them less inferior?

The guy has won at every level, and God knows there are some awful skippers managing major league teams. Eric Wedge? Mike Hargove? You’re telling me Wally Backman would inspire less confidence then these guys? Please. Wally Backman can out-manage these drones while drunk and high off painkillers. Give the man a shot, baseball!

*D-Backs is a pain the ass to type. And isn’t simply saying “Backs” a lot easier to say? Isn't it cooler?? Besides, anyone who’s anyone knows there’s only one D-hyphen-anything in this country, and that’s D-troit. 8 Mile, bitches. Shady entertainment.

** Only because I love you:

*** Actually you can. Correctly.

Matsuzaka Nukes New York

2007-04-23T00:05:00.001-04:00

This just in— Matsuzaka nukes... New York!!!

Ok, technically, the game was played in Boston, so the concept of Matsuzaka actually nuking a location a la Kansas City is entirely existential. Regardless, disciples in the fellowship of the ZAK, it is with great honor and joy that I report to you that our savior, the anointed Daisuke Matsuzaka (pbuh), has thoroughly humiliated and destroyed with extreme prejudice the disgusting New York Yankees. Don’t let partisan Yankee fans tell you that Matsuzaka allowed six runs off New York’s B-team, because it is COMPELTELY UNTRUE, and Yankee fans are ********!!1!

They’re just jealous because Matsuzaka chose the Red Sox. You say Theo Epstien spent the money on Matsuzaka? That only proves your woeful ignorance. Who do you think gave him the inspiration of the divine cosmos you slack-jawed mutants?! Matsuzaka, that’s who. Anyone who willingly signed Byung-Hyun Kim to a long-term contract obviously can’t be trusted as the trumpeter of our new messiah.

Did Theo, like, see the 2001 World Series. Like, at all?

The six runs are irrelevant. They were actually blessings from Matsuzaka to the Yankee players. The home run he “allowed” to Jeter?* It was a holy boon, bequeathed to a player who is obviously struggling personally under the recent success of former BFF&E&E, Alex Rodriguez. Of course, Rodriguez’s hot streak was in and of itself a blessing from Matsuzaka, so that He can look even more impressive in His annihilation of Rodriguez. Such a streak can only be accomplished with personal imbuement from the awesome cosmic and divine power our savior. The annihilation foretold in the book of ZAK? Two fucking strikeouts. And one hit by pitch, for impiety and impudence. The pitch did not vaporize A-Rod out of existence because Matsuzaka chose to take a little off. Matsuzaka forgives. That’s why He’s our Emmanuel.

Iddqd!!
Matsuzaka sucked the cosmic force right out of A-Rod’s bones, which is why he failed to succeed against Matsuzaka, and why he failed to win the game when the opportunity presented itself. Will A-Rod be given the power back? Will the faithful be rewarded? How about you don’t ask so many questions. How about you get on your KNEES in WORSHIP! I don’t see you worshipping!! Every single day Matsuzaka allows us to see Him pitch is masterful and glorious. I get up in the morning because of Him. I stay awake PREACHING the GOSPEL, because of Him. And all of you in your sinfulness, in your misdirected lives, spending your days idling, drinking beer, and eating potatoes--all you can say in forgiveness for this performance is “Wicked Pissah” and “Go Sawx”?? You’re all sheep.

One day, He will return to the Terrasect, the pan-dimensional planes of existence, and sit at the right hand of all that has been created in the universe. He has chosen us, dear followers, to revel is all that is His being, and feel the energy of righteous justice coursing through our life-force. If you don’t perceive that as a great and beautiful thing, then you don’t deserve Him. I mean, truly, none of us do, but especially not you. Iddqd!.

*Quotation marks are perhaps inappropriate in this instance. In the traditional pitching sense, allowing runs is a negative thing. However, Matsuzaka quite literally “allowed” this home run. He telegraphed the pitch via cosmic telepathy, and gave to Jeter the strength to send it over the wall. So this is not actually a bad thing.

Gimn Sovetskogo Soyuza*

2007-04-17T13:14:00.000-04:00

Hello, Ryan. This is the MLBPA. It appears to us that you might have said something that you shouldn’t have. Luckily for you, we are here to help point out your mistake, and make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

You see, Ryan, when you played your first game in the major leagues, you made a commitment to us. Major League Baseball is a multinational corporation whose bourgeoisie owners rely solely on the labor of the proletariat that is the backbone of their enterprise. In the past, the bourgeoisie has felt that you are expendable, and that your efforts are replaceable, and that has forced us all to fight back. Because you have abilities that no one else has, you are obligated to your fellow players to receive the most amount of capital that you can. When you say that you are being “overpaid,” you give ownership an opportunity to replace us again, or pay us whatever they feel is charitable. You don’t want Jones to come back, do you Ryan?

Some animals are more equal than others. Like A-Rod.

Curt Flood received death threats to help you earn capital. Men have does so you can earn your capital. If you’re under the impression that you’re being “overpaid” when you are barely making over the league average salary, you are betraying the efforts of those who came before you. The union will take care of you, Ryan, but only when you make us.

So next time, Ryan, when you feel the need to say how lucky you are that you’re making the kind of money we fought so hard to get you, be sure to choose your words more carefully. We’ll be watching you. Good luck.

*Look it up, Philistines. A stirring rendition can be heard, here.

Torii Hunter called the N-word in Boston

2007-04-16T11:02:00.000-04:00

I’m a big fan of Torii Hunter. He named the 2003-2005 Minnesota outfield the Soul Patrol*. Earlier in the decade he said that he would like to play for the Yankees. (I can’t find the quote, but I remember it being true). And his most recent column on Jackie Robinson speaks volumes about his character and his knowledge of the game of baseball. What really stood out for me in the piece was this little tidbit:

For the past 10 years, I've been called the N-word, like, 20 times. Not in Minnesota. In Kansas City. In Boston.

Now, this isn’t surprising. What is surprising was that he actually would come out and say it. In my experience, Boston is one of the most racist towns I’ve ever set foot in. Every single minority person I’ve ever spoken to has expressed discomfort by simply being in Boston. Barry Bonds, who would turn his back on God himself for fame and the almighty dollar, said that “Boston is too racist for me” and “I couldn’t play there.” (Source) But when you tell someone from the commonwealth (what mouth breathers from Beantown and parts beyond call Massachusetts) that Boston is a racist town, they either vehemently deny it, or chuckle out of appreciation. I wish this weren't the case.

Racial strife in Kansas City is practically assumed. Any city that’s located in two states across a river is bound to have some inherent tension. But you would think that having far and away the highest ticket prices in all of baseball would keep the riff-raff out of Fenway Park, you’re wrong. Otherwise one of the great players in baseball wouldn’t be called racial epithets that we’d think Boston got over in the 70’s. Apparently they haven’t.

Faneuil Hall riots. Look it up.**

*When you do a google image search for “Soul Patrol” this guy comes up. Weird.
**When you do a google image search for "Boston Racists" the old Deadspin Matsuzaka post comes up with the picture I just used above. Cool! I'm not sure Buster Olney ever got enough credit for that scoop, by the way.

Mets Players Can't Drive

2007-04-15T14:12:00.002-04:00

I’m not talking about driving the ball. We all know they can do that. Just check out this video from last year’s NLCS.

C’mon, that was funny.

But seriously, it looks like these guys just can’t drive. Not that I blame Mets’ pitcher Joe Smith. Parking in New York is anarchy. This guy gets it about right*, except he forgets to mention the race gangs and cannibalism. Personally, I think it’s like being in Mad Max, except trans-fats are banned and smoking will get you five-to-ten. Not quite Escape from New York, but similar.

Regardless of anything even remotely sane, shouldn’t Mets fans be a little disturbed by this little gem?

"The sign said 'No standing.' Well, I wasn't standing. I was parking," Smith said. "If they mean 'No parking,' shouldn't it say 'No parking?' I mean, I just figured they didn't want anyone standing there. I don't know why."

Uh, dude?

When standing is prohibited by signs or rules, no person shall stop a vehicle, attended or unattended, except temporarily for the purpose of and while actually engaged in expeditiously receiving or discharging passengers.

New York City Trafic Rules 4-08(a)(3)

I’m not saying professional baseball players are geniuses. If you lived in ~~northern Kentucky~~ southern Ohio, maybe there aren’t any real cities where there would be signs like that. We can’t all be Zach Grenkie, writing physics equations in our sleep.

But if a player on my favorite team can’t figure out the meaning behind a “No Standing” sign, my prospects for the season wouldn’t be too great. New York Mets 2007: “Your Season Has Come.”

Start Heilman! Oh wait...

Hat-tip: MLB AOL Sportsblog

*This is behind the Times-Select wall. It’s obnoxious and infuriating. However, if you go to www.bugmenot.com, then they will give you a free password to that, and almost any other site. Enjoy!

Josh Hamilton Saved By Jesus Chain E-Mails

2007-04-13T14:26:00.001-04:00

Josh Hamilton is a terrific story. Heroic, even, or mind bottle-ingly stupid depending on your perspective. The #1 overall pick in the 1999 amateur draft, Hamilton fell into injuries, drugs, suspensions, all essentially at the same time as the Devil Rays futility continued.

25 tattoos, crack, four million, and the #1 overall pick. It bottles the mind.*

Regardless, after hitting rock bottom, he embraced ~~Matsuzaka~~ Jesus, got his life back together, got selected by the Reds in the Rule V draft, and the rest is recent history. I got two things out of this piece, both of which make me want to cry. First is that after what was essentially a three year layoff, he could light up the gun with a pitch, whereas I’m barely able to break ~~100~~ 70 60. Some guys just got “it.” “It” meaning unparalleled athletic ability and the mojo to bang hot groupies whenever they mood strikes them.

Second is this little quote here:

Now, at the kitchen table, Hamilton toggles through some text messages saved on his cellphone until he finds the one he was looking for: Dated Dec. 6, 2006, at 1:42 a.m., it reads: "Jesus never fails. Send this message to nine people except me and you will get good news tomorrow. Don't take this as a joke." As soon as he got it, he did as instructed.

The next morning, in a hotel ballroom at Walt Disney World Resort near Orlando, baseball held its annual Rule 5 draft. Hamilton got a call later that day from a scout he knows. "Hey," the voice said, "you got taken by the Cubs." A little while later, another call: "Check that. The Cubs just traded you to the Reds."

Are you freakin' kidding me? Hamilton attributes his comeback to a chain e-mail probably started by a Jesus-freak 13 year old girl in rural Alabama? Absolute madness. Religion is good for all kinds of things like personal betterment, artistic creation, and jihad. It is not good for increasing the amount of chain e-mails already spamming the tubes of the Internet and driving good and decent people bat-shit crazy. If Hamilton is for chain mail, then I am against him. A pox upon his house.

Josh Hamilton-- Jesus' 4th outfielder

*Note: It is impossible to mention Blades of Glory without a sexy picture of the smokin’ hot “Pam” from “The Office” in sex-garb. Very tasty. And I mean that in a totally cannibalistic way.

Blowing Snow in the Midwest

2007-04-12T13:51:00.001-04:00

It’s not just a euphemism for doing cocaine, it’s also a weather pattern. Last week, all three games between the Tigers and the Indians were postponed due to massive amounts of snow. Snow? In April? In the words of Drew Carey “Global Warming? When the hell are we gonna get some?”

Ahh, Drew. Cleveland does indeed rock. Except in sports.

The solution to all this? Play Cleveland’s next three games in Milwaukee. When you need to move to Wisconsin to avoid the snow, I’m thinking we have some problems. The Angels won the series played there two games to one. This entire episode made me think of two things:

1. Will the MLB finally stop playing games in April in northern states where there are the chances for snow are much greater?

No, nor should they. You need to think macro in baseball. Just like Jon Papelbon getting a five-out save a few days ago doesn’t make him returning to closer any better of an idea, one set of crummy weather patterns in April 2007 should warp a tradition that goes back longer than any of us have been born. Stick with what works.

2. Is cocaine really worse for the game of baseball than steroids?

In terms of corrupting the game, not sliding because you’re afraid to break the crack vial might break is probably worse than becoming a roided up abomination that makes a mockery of the game of baseball. Maybe we can get someone who does skiing on a more regular basis? Winslow? Anyone??

Bueller…

Are you not entertained?! Are you not entertained?!!

2007-04-09T14:59:00.001-04:00

Someone call 911, because A-Rod is jackin’ everything. It’s not like a team can intentionally drill him, because that will only make him angry (and because of the pussification of baseball, might get the pitcher ejected). You see, there is no more tenacious athlete in the history of the game when money is in his sights than Alex Rodriguez. When Alex sees the market, and Alex sees dollar signs, Alex turns on the jets. You don’t get 27 million a year by accident.

This, of course, means nothing to the majority of mouth breathing degenerate Yankee fans who demand yearly championships via coronation. Until he hits six HR’s in seven games in October, Rodriguez’ surge will mean nothing to a masses. Ironically enough, these same fans know as fact that A-Rod is only destined to go leave somewhere else to the Angels, Red Sox, or whoever will pay him top dollar. This is, of course, both irrelevant and nonsense. A-Rod wants to play for a winner, and the Yankees won’t be outbid by other clubs, already have around 30 million of free money to play with, thus making a place in Monument Park for A-Rod a virtual certainty.

Jeter, Ruth, DiMaggio, Mantle, A-Rod

Madness is a common theme of this blog. But what is truly crazy is the refusal of fans to embrace the finest player of a generation because he can’t bequeath onto them the championship they so desire. A-Rod cares, but he shouldn’t. He makes his money, and if the fans really want him gone, he’ll continue to make his money. “Are you not entertained” Yankee fans? Because Alex Rodriguez is shoving it back in the faces of all you haters, and entertaining the masses for at least one more day.

What Hath God Wrought?

2007-04-05T17:35:00.002-04:00

This just in— Matsuzaka nukes Kansas… City!!!

Now, you might be saying “hey, Zach Grenkie just K’ed 7 better hitters on a better team,” or “maybe there is something to hitters struggling against guys they haven’t seen before.” Complete, utter, nonsense. This is no time for SENSE, this is time for NON-SENSE! Hyperbole, even. Not only is Matsuzaka the best pitcher in the league, he’s the best pitcher in the galaxy. All you aliens playing baseball on Talos IV—you’re all completely screwed.

iddqd!!

The biggest Japanese import since ~~Nintendo,~~ ~~Pokemon,~~ Yu-gi-oh, has started his tour of destruction, and it’s coming to a city near you. Godzilla, his weakness lies in the strength of other monsters (and sliding catches). Matsuzaka? He has no weakness.

Matsui? 0-16 w/ 15K’s vs. Matsuzaka*

Are you not LISTENING?!! Are you not REALIZING the GRAVITY of WHAT WE’RE SEEING HERE?!! You’re lucky this entire post isn’t in capslock. This is greatness we’re witnessing right now. Pure greatness. Chuck Norris sees Matsuzaka pitch, and bows down in devout worship. Roger Clemens will now decide to pitch for the Red Sox, because he feels he can learn a thing or two from Matsuzaka. If Walter Johnson was alive right now, he’d walk up to Matsuzaka and ask to massage him, if only for pederastical purposes.** The hitters of the MLB are basically doomed, teams across the AL and NL are conceding victory to the Red Sox, Skynet/Google have stopped their world takeover, and all because Matsuzaka will eventually defeat them no matter how many terminators they send after him. Everyone stop watching baseball—the Matsuzaka era is upon us, and he will never, ever lose.

As an offering to this new God (despite Easter being right around the corner, I did just use a big “G”) I propose we continuously play the opening theme from “Saint Seiya” in it’s entirety during each of Matsuzaka’s starts. While driving us all slowly insane, this can only please him, and that is good.

80’s rock? Japanese Cartoons? Madness? Welcome to OntheShow.

*No idea if this is true. But it must be!!
**Or he’d be clawing at his coffin saying HELP!!! Btw, I’m not sure “pederastical” is even a word. Therefore, I’m making it one.

Millions of Peaches...

2007-04-05T07:11:00.000-04:00

There is a tense finality in Ty Cobb's conversation which is unique. Other players state opinions, the Georgian gives facts. In the presences of the game's greatest player, the listener feels intuitively that here is one man who knows absolutely what he is talking about. For, if Ty Cobb hasn't seen a particular play, or tried it himself, or seen it tried, it has never been or probably never will be attempted.

Ty Cobb is many things. "Violent," "racist," and "evil son of a bitch," all apply. However, he was undoubtedly one of the finest players to even put on a pair of spikes, and remains to this day the figure self-righteous sports writers use when bringing up "character" and the "Hall of Fame."* He was a character, and every story needs a villain. Look at that evil smile! It's even on his Hall of Fame plaque!

But as much as you have to hate the guy, he was a brilliant baseball mind. "Baseball is war," sure, but Cobb didn't play so much as he fought. The above quote was taken from Cobb's treatise Trick Plays and How to Make Them. Daring Feats That Have Made the Tigers Dreaded, and How They Were Thought Out and Executed, as Revealed in an Interview. It's from Baseball Magazine circa 1916, and it as long as it is awesome. While reading it, try imagining yourself in Cobb's presence-- you can almost feel the contempt oozing off the page you read it. It's quite the experience, unless of course, you're black, then Cobb would have fought you for being in his presence. Seriously. (10th paragraph)

*Not actually theoretical.
Hat Tip: "A Cheater's Guide to Baseball" Blog

No More Tommy John?

2007-03-29T18:24:00.001-04:00

This is pretty remarkable. According to an article in the NY Times, therapies are being developed with stem cells from umbilical cord blood that can erase the need for Tommy John Surgery. Injections of primitive stem cells done on rats to repair ligaments and tendons by one doctor has been deemed successful. Good enough for me! Supposedly the technology to do something like this is 3-5 years away. This means that Dontrelle Willis will pitch in the future. Prior and Wood will not.

Seriously Dontrelle. Beat the rush… get TJ surgery now.

Let’s think about this.

The technology works in rats.
Randy Johnson is the most rat-like player in MLB.
Ergo, this technology will work in Randy Johnson.

It is logical.

The ornery old SOB can pitch until he’s 80! I mean, the NL West is where careers go to die, right?* More on this later. Regardless of anything remotely sane, questions abound from this technology. Whose to say that someone just injects the stuff in the arm at the start of the season to keep themselves from tiring? If you can grow new ligaments, why not get TJ surgery with brand new ligaments when you’re like 9 and then throw 105 mph for the rest of your life? Aren’t these all performance enhancing drugs??? The best thing about this series of tubes called the Internet is that it’s the only place where we can anonymously scream at each other about matters such as these that will never even remotely concern us. You know, unless you’re Curt Schilling. Who was teammates with Randy Johnson! Kevin Bacon that, people.

No sir, not at all homoerotic. Not one bit.

*Also see Bronx, New York 2003-2006.

UUU Gonna Get Raped

2007-03-29T08:04:00.001-04:00

Uh-oh. A Venezuelan prison? I’m not even sure Jack Bauer could survive in there, and he’s basically the only thing saving civilization. According to this gentleman, the Venezuelan criminal code is similar to the US, but Venezuela is also highly corrupt, and has gone under 11 constitution changes since the country’s inception, which according to my high level math skills is basically one every other spring.

-Caballero, the peasents are revolting!
-I know, I hate them too...*

Let’s get back into the corruption thing. Isn’t Urbina, like, rich enough to practically buy the entire bloody country? Or at least the parts not already owned by Bobby Abreu, Miguel Cabrera, Carlos Zambrano, or Hugo Chavez? I mean, go to jail, buy the prison, and walk out. Or if there is really that much corruption, just pay the judge off. About one-half year’s worth of an MLB contract should do it. Then he can get back in the show. JaJaJa!! See, that’s a play on words of the website’s name. “On The Show.” Original content and writing? About baseball? Get it?? Nothing???

Ironically enough if Urbina was a lefty, he could probably still get a job once he gets out of prison.

Does this still hurt for you? If so, change your lifestyle.

Hat Tip: Deadspin
*This joke is stolen from somewhere. Monty Python?? If anyone could tell me I'd appreciate it.

The End of a Hilarious Era

2007-03-28T07:57:00.000-04:00

Attention all Cubs fans—your chances of actually winning a world series this year have gotten infinitesimally better! Even if the odds are only going from one-in-a-billion to one-in-a-million, considering the ignominious history of the northsiders, I’d say that’s cause for celebration.

Ahhh… this just never gets old

Because you see, former Houston dynamo (pun intended) Wade Miller has beat out Mark Prior for the 5th spot in the Cubs’ rotation. With Prior barely breaking 90 on the gun, doomed to start the season in AAA, and Kerry Wood (surprise!) once again on the DL, it’s time to declare and end to the sometimes painful, but always hilarious, Wood-Prior era. Wood and Prior would be the goat-riding saviors who would take the Cubs finally to the promised land on their golden arms and youthful exuberance. And while youth is no barrier to great achievements, it’s still not a good sign when your manager stretches you out for games with 120+ pitch counts while your arm is yet to accrue the scar tissue necessary to withstand the wholly unnatural motion of pitching.

Daisuke Verducci Matsuzaka will still destroy you!! iddqd!

In closing, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, you provided a lot of hope to a lot of Cubs fans, whose dreams were all invariably crushed with your constant injuries (and now) general incompetence. For that, I salute you! MLB needs a good loser, and 1908 was such a long time ago. Enjoy your respective fades into bolivian.

Internet Slap Fight!! Winner gets to actually be quiet

2007-03-27T19:48:00.000-04:00

Pretty much everyone has commented on the latest Shaughnessy vs. Schilling slap-fight. To anyone who follows the newsreels in the northeast, this comes as a surprise to no one. Schilling doesn’t want to be misquoted by writers with an agenda, and Shaughnessy doesn’t want sports writers to fade into obscurity. In some ways, it’s a lose-lose situation for everyone, which is why it’s so delightful.

Clichéd, but appropriate

Anyway, the most important thing that only one blogger mentioned was that Irish Dan actually acknowledged his nickname and internet persona.

“CHB38: What do you say to those media morons who contend that you are a self-important blowhard with an ill-informed opinion about everything and an insatiable need to be worshipped by sheep-like fans and late-night blog boys who live in Ma's basement?”

CHB. CHB!! Dan fucking Shaughnessy just called himself the Curley Haired Boyfriend! Shouldn’t this be a bigger deal? Isn’t this the MSM-blogger link that proves that not only does Irish Dan read the jokes made about him, but his clever nod to them proves that it affects him in some way? I liken this to Iran diplomatically recognizing Israel, except you know, will less expected mustard gas.

Terrorism jokes-- fun for the whole family!

Regardless, this means three things:
1. He doesn’t like the name, which means we should use it incessantly.
2. He likes the name, which means we should come up with a new one. I prefer Nappy Haired Paddy (or NHP).
3. Or this is just another desperate attempt by two intolerable blowhards to foist even more attention on themselves, already spreading the rank virus that is the Boston Sports Media culture?

“Learn to Love the Bomb.” Nuke both of ‘em.

Ht Tip: Pete Abraham's LoHud Yankees Blog

Daisuke Verducci Matsuzaka

2007-03-27T00:09:00.002-04:00

Are you ready for Daisuke Matsuzaka?

Matsuzaka DOOM GodMode circa 1997*

Because according to Tom Verducci there is no way you are ready. Not even close. Matsuzaka knows more pitches than have even been invented. His very presence is so fearsome, he will hit American shores more radically than the atomic bomb that vaporized his grandfather.

If the U.S. got nuked, then we would have invented Pokemon.

Forget the inescapable annihilation of the A.L. the N.L. the Big Dig, and possibly the entire U.S. government (making him a surefire winner of all pitching awards both past and present) his presence will also completely warp the way pitchers are managed. All you so called experts? You’re about to get pwn3d. Pitch counts? Ice? Rest? Holding on off throwing hard sliders until the cartilage forms in your elbow? Total weakness. Your see, Daius-K Matsu-zaKa throws a 1000 pitch bullpen sessions. He does the long toss to Port St. Lucie (and when in Boston, to Framingham). One the VERY SUPER KICKY ULTRA RARE occasion he gets shelled, he’ll go into the bullpen to throw some more, ever focuses on the annihilation of the opposing batter.

I can smell your Gyroball

Forget the evidence provided from Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and Dr. James Andrews. Matsuzaka has already taken the lessons from those ignorant bastards and thrown them into the freakin' sun. It’s all been incinerated, and those links you saw in previous sentence? They are no longer in operation.**

The secret to developing yourself into a Japanese Pitching Weapon is throwing more, not less. The Japanese Way will show us that pitchers are not a weak breed to be coddled like children jaundice from birth, they are SPARTAN WARRIORS, endlessly training for the day they might reach baseball immortality without throwing a single pitch in Major League Baseball. Enjoy your breakfast men, because TONIGHT, WE DINE, IN HELL!

Kobe beef and sushi, bitches!

* iddqd. BTW, my photoshop for some reason is on the fritz. If you don’t like my MS Paint style images, then go elsewhere.
** Those links actually are in operation, moron. If you fell for that, then you fail at the internet.

UPDATE: Pootie did it again!!

Anna Benson… what a dame!

2007-03-26T20:58:00.001-04:00

Dear Anna,

My love, there are some days that I feel sad that you’ve slipped into D-list obscurity. Out of all your measurable assets (read: size DD’s) the one that endeared us to you was all the moxie you carried in spades. Between your strange screeds at PETA (which were kind of awesome, in their own way), your ranting on Kris’ trade to the Orioles, and your warnings to screw entire baseball organizations to keep your husband faithful, it makes me yearn for times past when your photos and sound bites were in greater supply. You might never be boring; Anna, but you’ll always be a classy dame.

.....................NOT!

Seriously, as hot as you are, your style of attention whoring belongs back in the strip club where you came from. Just because you're hot doesn’t mean it gives you the right to sound off on anything that enters your vapid head. Because that means that we all have to pay more attention to you. The side benefit of seeing you in skimpy outfits isn’t worth the trouble. After reading this foolishness, I’m going to have to blast you for your own good.

Anna: “The Mets lost (a chance at winning) the World Series because of a little red dress. That doesn’t bother me. That should bother them.”

Darling, reality check time-- The guy who got you off the pole… well… he’s just not a very good pitcher. Besides, the reason why the Mets lost the NLCS last year wasn’t because of the pitching. Quite the opposite, really: the pitching was actually ok. For some reason, David Wright and the gang couldn’t figure out Jeff Weaver or Jeff Suppan. Not to mention this is pretty much a moot point considering Kris was out for the season with a torn rotator cuff. By the way, it’s not like this sort of injury wouldn’t have happened had he been pitching in New York—it’s a rotator cuff, it’s not like he was jacked by an extra from The Wire.

Anna: “They got a bleeping bag of balls for Kris. They didn't get [expletive]. Julio Jorge and John Maine. They traded a number one stud pitcher who was 30 for at the time, and they blame the red dress."

-and-

Anna: “The Mets lost (a chance at winning) the World Series because of a little red dress. That doesn’t bother me. That should bother them.”

John Maine in 2006 was better than Benson was in 2005. Jorge Julio (not Julio Jorge for those keeping score at home) was a solid bullpen arm for a team that didn’t have many. Most experts decided that the O’s got raped on that trade worse than Marcellus Wallace did by the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Judging by 2006, they were right.

My mother said to pick the very best one and you are not… it

Also, you self absorbed little trollop, maybe Mets GM Omar Minaya liked Julio and Maine more than he liked your hubby. Maybe he didn’t want some crazy big-tittied ex-stripper to be a team distraction. Maybe in an effort to further Latinize Los Mets he wanted to get rid of all the white people. Or maybe, assuming if Kris did indeed cheat on you, he didn’t want you to bang every member of the Mets organization and give them all Chlamydia. Whatever his reasons, Minaya made the trade to make his team better, not because you let your massive jugs hang out of some sexy dress. The lesson, as always, is: "You can’t turn a ho’ into a housewife, ho’s don’t act right."* And that your boobs are still splendiferous, as evidenced below...

Like big bags of... sand

Sorry for the tough love, Anna. Remember-- girls can never be too pretty, too thin, or too QUIET. Try to stay that way.

XO,

Slick

Hat tip: AOL's Orioles Sportsblog

*From Ludacris’ Ho. We actually voted this as our prom song back in High School, but “apparently” the “school” thought it was “inappropriate.” "Apparently" the "women" at the "prom" would be "uncomfortable." Fucking assholes. What the fuck do they know??

Cry Havoc, Let Slip the Boys of Summer

2007-03-26T17:47:00.000-04:00

This is OnTheShow, a group blog and an ode to all things baseball. We do things a touch differently around here-- along with your regular wrath filled posts "OnTheShow" we're also producing original video content including skits, original reports, interviews, basically anything that's almost as fun to watch as it is to produce. We're all just getting our shit together here, check back with us later.

First Ever Post! Now get it right or pay the price!